Perpetually Confused

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life where in you are utterly confused that you can no longer decide what’s best for you? Well, I just want to know if I am not alone in this feeling. I feel overwhelmed lately. This should not be a surprise. I am neurotic and diabolic anyway. It is just that I have one thing after another I have to decide on. Sometimes I wish I have a bot to make auto-choices for me. THIS freedom can be hard.

I don’t know, I am just feeling very confused lately. Anxiety is taking its toll. I have all these things that require me to activate my brain (I was brain dead) and the Amygdala in it (to protect me from possible threats). I made some choices I'm not sure if I will regret. And I have to make some choices I'm not sure if I will regret. At the end there should be no regrets. I think I’ve lost that courage to face the consequences of my own choices. I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I guess I’ve just become overprotective of my mental peace. But where’s the meaning in everything if there is no challenge? I need some change here.

I cannot predict the future. But what I choose today will have an impact on what will happen to me tomorrow. I am trapped in this constant over analyzation, in this, “how can I prevent something from happening again” so I will not feel hurt. Have I lost the courage in facing discomfort? Have I become attached to the all-too-secure and all-too-comfortable?

Maybe the current state of the world has contributed to this crippling anxiety. It is way easier to believe in anything and just follow the crowd so I no longer have to think. But I am not like that so now I am thinking and it sucks. It adds up to my confusion. The pandemic, the angry mob, the so-called intellectuals, the victims, the vaxxers and anti-vaxxers - I mean, these should be the least of my concerns right now. I have my own mental health to take care of. But somehow I got sucked into all of it. I have become confused of my own beliefs too. The world has gone crazy and it’s impossible not to get carried away sometimes. I read the news, go on Twitter, and maybe FOMO? I can’t go off-grid because I just have to know what’s going on out there. I can’t seem to find other entertainment these days. I can’t seem to focus on what I actually have to do in real life. And now I have information overload. Too many things in my head I might break down soon. My mind is crowded I no longer know what is real. My Gawd, this is hopeless. I love you Big Brother.

I’ve come to a state where it is now hard to make a decision on my own. I don’t know what’s the best for me anymore. It sounds weird. I think I am not as independent thinker as I think I am. I overestimated my freedom. I cannot forever protect myself. Whenever I encounter something crucial that needs my decision, I always feel the need to call my good friends for help. But what if they are no longer there? Eventually I have to decide alone. I have to listen to my heart. I am on my own.

Let me get into the heart of my confusion. I’ve been cutting off some people lately because I feel like they are not the best for me. But what if I deemed them just another “not good enough?" But what if nothing will ever be good enough for me? What if these are just one of those “fight-or-flight ” responses. It is hard for me to determine now. I can’t seem to move out of past traumas that I feel like everyone is out there to inflict pain on me. I do not want to waste my time on toxic people and at the same time, I do not want to be left alone, not everyone is my enemy after all. Not everyone is perfect but this is not an excuse to be asshole to each other yes?

And then there’s my job. Should I quit or not? Should I do something worthwhile letting go of the financial security during this pandemic. So, I am in the process of moving to another account/dept where it would be possible to work from home. I am moving out of corporate toxic A. There’s a potential growth in the other account and a chance to prove myself again. But I just realized that I have to turn everything over that I’ve developed and worked on. It means I have to train the person who will take over. Once again, my Amygdala is activated - detecting pain and chaos. How irrational. Because what’s wrong with teaching someone right? All these sorts of crazy thoughts came flashing back to me again, someone will know my super top-secret codes and techniques, someone will apply it and take credit (this happened in my previous jobs). Someone will get ahead. I will get stuck where I am. I will lose everything and everything. I will lose myself.

My Gawd, how hard it is to be me. I seriously think I’ve gone mental that it is hard to function as a normal human being. And you know, have normal work, and normal relationships, and normal friendships. But what is normal these days anyway? Are you confused too? Who am I to think that I am no longer prone to hurt and pain and chaos. I think I do not want to think.