Once I got into a terrible argument with a friend
because I had said something about my fascination with LSD; previously accompanied by a casual joke.
She immediately started ranting about whether I had all my wits about me and whether I hadn't taken enough drugs in my life! Didn't I know that the Youth Welfare Office would immediately come to my house and I would get into real trouble if it became known that I was "one of those"? And then she really told me off, that she had known, that I was incorrigible and probably had permanent drug damage (from when we used to go out partying, as we called it) and that I smoked, that it was unbelievable how I treated myself, just my appearance alone, I would visually let myself go like that. I had always seemed like a rather questionable person to her, she just didn't say anything because it would have been quite interesting with me at times... And so on and so forth.
What had I said? That I was "interested" in LSD, that I "read about it" and liked to deal with marginal topics, but that I didn't want to get on her nerves if she didn't want to talk about it and that we could talk about something else. But by then the child had fallen into the well.
That was in 2017
The officials had not been the subject of my thoughts in the process. As so often in my life, the authorities were not part of my considerations as soon as I became interested in this or that topic.
Yet I had heard so much about these officials from childhood that I had memorised a good part of what was allowed and what was not. Drinking was allowed. Until you dropped and threw up in the neighbour's garden. Pills too. You were also allowed to smoke until your lungs groaned, but that will maybe banned soon.
Where I can still think, say or do anything at all that is not forbidden or unwelcome either by officials or unofficials - of which there are hordes - is something I will soon have to look for, or ready am. The consequences of my freedom loving mind and soul: I feel and have to bear with them in my real work and life.
Of course, this friend had been right about me.
In fact, I had stopped trying to live up to her ideal of beauty, I "let myself go", in other words: I took the liberty of no longer considering my wrinkles, my ageing and appearance as particularly important, since I can't do anything about getting old and unsightly anyway. Therefore: True, the expression "letting oneself go" is not that inappropriate, but of course the tone makes the music and as my friend told me, the statement dripped with unwillingness and a certain disgust for me. "Health" was a very big issue in our arguments.
The speculation that I would stand in front of A-level students as some kind of teacher and proclaim how "awesome drugs are", a fantasy she expressed to me, that too is certainly not to be dismissed, but of course I wouldn't do such a thing, what's the point, because why would I teach something that is viewed so controversially and above all contemptuously as "drugs"? At the same time, of course, all people take various drugs every day, but give it a different name and it's fine. Only the "drugs on the list" are evil, of course, the others are good. However, I did not have this debate with this friend.
She was also right about my dubiousness,
as I had always revealed various fringe topics as my area of investigation and whatever had once been interesting for my friend, now I had gone over the top and it had been "enough". I am still perplexed by what had actually been enough and probably, I suspect, it all had nothing to do with me anyway and was, as they say today, "projection". I often serve other people as a whipping girl for this or that anger that someone has inside and because I am mostly a peaceful person, I hold back. Not always though and so I have to admit that unfortunately my equanimity of this moment had not existed then but I have been quite hurt by my friend's comments.
Do I also think that way about her? Do I think she's stupid, is she a servant of authority or a person who's completely out of line? No, I don't think that, or, I better should say I don't like to have those kinds of thoughts. I don't think it does any good to think that way about other people either, even if it really gets to you from time to time. The moments I've actually felt the need to really insult a person, to discredit them, to call them names, to despise them and so on, I've still refrained - well, ... most of the times. Although I wouldn't say I kept quiet or had no arguments. I'm certainly an argumentative type.
But why am I even mentioning this episode?
It seems to me like a harbinger, or a retelling, of what we are currently experiencing and what we have experienced before: the fear of authority, the long arm of the law. No matter how small we want to make ourselves, there is always something where we could be accused of thinking or doing something against the rules. Following the media bluster, we seem to be obsessed with talking about who is considered a fanatic of authority and who is legitimised to mean something else.
At the moment, it seems, we have nothing else to do, as we are all completely limited in what we can do. This is very difficult for someone like me to bear. I am in favour of freedom of thought, of deviating from ordered rules, which I follow anyway, but those who put me under general suspicion, who portray me as irresponsible, unloving and lacking in solidarity, could not be more wrong. Unfortunately, I have no one I can directly address, because the arm of the law is far too long to climb up.
I am still working,
but this work is taking place in a climate of fear. I don't know how long my mental stability can be maintained, but I am also amazed that more people don't go crazy, but if they did, I wouldn't notice (other than reading about numbers of suicides, something people seem to be astonishingly oblivious about).
My everyday life consists of reduced contacts and I hardly ever go out on the street. As a person who never takes her mobile phone with her, who is never online on the road, as someone who prefers physical contact to virtual, I notice a certain tiredness towards being active or interested in social life.
Probably I am exhausted from a working day. Not allowed to be near my clients, to sit on a distance and try to help or to understand the paperwork which I am supposed to work with. Normally, I do teach my clients how to read the papers, how to un-code the expressions of the authorities.
So, after almost a year, I am starting to get disinterested in social contact. In fact, I am considering to quit my job on the whole. For, as people here are not interested either in social work and life, why would I still insist in maintaining my job? Most of what I loved about my profession has gone done the hill. The quality of interaction suffered a great deal. And I realize that this won't change within the next foreseeable time. So I am willing to quit.
I know, the argument that I leave my clients alone, that many of them maybe will be lost to their own devices and suffer from having to deal with social distancing loving people, may arise in ones mind. But as always, I am convinced about the cleverness of people. They will find a way. I am neither the savior of the poor and disadvantaged nor need I to be saved by my customers or clients. Though I wish for more backbone and honesty in this whole crisis.
But if the world right now wants social distance and doesn't let me work the way I can be in my best, friendliest and most effective art of being, they will have me at distance. I no more want to deal with people. If I insist in doing so I may become unfriendly, unloving, aggressive and painful. For working against my very nature, this is leading not only to harm myself but it won't serve those well who visit my consultation hours. Next year it will be ten years I am completing my profession as a social worker. I may have chosen a different path until then. I don't know yet.
Wish me a good fortune.
P.S. What I have learned: People don't take good care of themselves. They hated their working hours and amounts. They overworked themselves or were under-inspired. For me, I had begun to take care of my personal needs long go, worked only as much as I felt joy and didn't overburden myself with loads of work and clients. Now I am hearing from a lot of people, that they actually are quite happy about the crisis as they feel less stressed and are relieved not to serve as much customers as before or to work from home.
For me, who did not need a pandemic to realize that I am responsible for how my life is being organized, that sounds somehow ironic. For I am carrying the consequences of all those people who did not jump down the "faster, higher and bigger"-train by their own choice but who had to "be forced" in doing so. What shall I say? Congratulations?
Well, maybe ...
Photo by McGill Library on Unsplash
isn't this the challenge for all of us right now? finding a way to transform our work through the audacious nature of this human crisis.
It really is making it easy for us to make the jump. I wish you all the best in finding a way to fuse your talents and competencies in new and marvellous ways so that you will end up freer than before this whole shenanigans began.
there will always be a need for direct people to people contact work, especially when this thing finally blows over or the people rise up and declare the shutdown is over. so much need for healing through and after this.
all the best to ya
Thank you so much for the well wishes, I can use them. Update from today: The first client has terminated me because I am not allowed to work without a mask. It is, as you say, a leap, but one that can only be done if you can afford it. I hope to feel freer soon and that the limit of what is reasonable will be clearly explained by many more people. My time as a social worker now seems to be running out and it will, it seems, not only be a disappointment but a release from the burdens of the past year of having to work under such conditions that are detrimental to me. So hopefully you will be right and I can concentrate on starting afresh with the courage to live, the talent and everything that makes me who I am. I send you warm greetings to .... ?
P.S. How do you deal with your professional situation these days?
Sounds great, step by step ;)
I am on travels, permanently so to speak. Quit the job, moved into a van and trying my best to build something on the go.
It's funny that all of this has been decided and shaped up before this weird world stage situation ever came up. When it did hit, me and my lady were already on the road through Europe.
No idea what tomorrow will bring but somehow it has worked out for us thus far <3
It's an ever present "struggle" to find what I can do and turn it into substance to support our little family. But making the jump was essential to get started really, so it is worth it.
That's quite a step you did. I've seen some people traveling with a van through the countries on youtube and watch them getting along. I can imagine, it is not easy but gives a different form of freedom on the other hand. What kind of work do you offer for cash?
We are mostly living from savings right now and the crypto space does help greatly to keep us afloat.
Will go into teaching trading soon - it's an area I spend most of my waking hours doing. <3
I don't have much of substance to reply with, but I do want to say thank you. Thank you for expressing what I believe many are struggling with right now; how to deal with all of this... And yes, I also want to wish you good fortune and the strength to deal with the loss of social contact. In fact, I wish that for us all. 😊
Thank you, too for your kind words. I believe that people in general are much stronger than how they think they are. I must tell that to myself, though :) From family history I know that this is the case and that my relatives have gone through worse things I have gone through, so far. But things cannot be easily relativized - every situation is felt individually and different. Take my good wishes as well.
I hope writing this has served you as an outlet. What I have learned, with the things that have happened in my country and with the lockdown, is that these things will happen and we cannot avoid it, we don't have control of what happens, we can fight and fight with it and many times nothing will change. Sometimes it even needs to happen. So it's like the old truism says, to flow with the river, and trust. Sometimes it is a matter of time, where we can do nothing but wait. And if we wait a long time and nothing changes on the outside, by that time, we have probably changed, on the inside, and we have found an alternative. We don't control what happens in the world, but we do control how we react to it. We can choose between suffering or peace. We are always free.
But I digress.
I hope you are following your intuition. Good luck!
Yes, I needed to let it out and to share it.
I assume that you are already a little further along in your acceptance of what has happened and what will happen, given the circumstances and experiences in your country. I am afraid that we here are still far from the humility and acceptance of such events over which we have no direct control. I think it is quite a significant difference to feel within oneself whether one "gives up" or adapts to the circumstances like flowing water without ceasing to be water.
True.
Waiting is actually more often the better option than taking action. My struggle nowadays is that the outside world does not accept waiting as something desirable. In the long run, though, and on a non individual basis humans altogether create a field of ignorance towards threats, for a threat cannot be maintained artificially in the same way a tsunami or earthquake happens and cannot be prolonged by our efforts. Many events in my life were made "the worst thing happening to humankind" but none of them endured the years but seized to be seen as life endangering.
I don't remember if it was you or someone else talking about the personal perception of freedom. And that one can feel free no matter the circumstances. Right now I do lack this state of being and I hope, I'll get it back some day.
Sincere greetings to you.
You say well. It is not about giving up but about adapting.
Sorry... I couldn't understand, maybe it's something from the language, what do you mean?
Maybe it was me, or maybe it was someone else, but I do believe that a person can not only feel, but be free, despite external circumstances. It is a matter of decision. We decided.
What I mean is that people are good at ignoring miseries and over time relativising a malady that was initially considered or perceived as catastrophic, or forgetting the state of affairs or pushing it far into the background.
I remember well my youth and later younger adult self and how we were scared off by school teachers and the media because of, for example, AIDS or the Chernobyl disaster. I did not directly experience any of the threatening effects or masses of people falling ill, and in the course of my life I began to take the horror stories less seriously, either because I was unable to do anything directly about them anyway or because I realised that the news reports were exaggerated.
Just the other day I saw an interesting contribution on the topic of global warming, in which the author had recited interesting horror stories from about a hundred years ago from picked-up newspapers. In it, journalists were already terribly worried in the early 1900s because the sea above Norway was not completely frozen over in winter. If you're interested, I'll send you the link with the video.
Is it clearer now what I meant?
Yeah, now I get it. :)
Don't worry, I know modern scientists are being just as alarmist about it today as they were then.