You've got a slimy mouth.
I yelled disgustedly from the Kitchen.
I beg your pardon?!
Yodelled the Good Lady in response from the lounge, indignation colouring her tone as if I had accused her of touching old men's bottoms in the Supermarket again. Your mouth. It's slimy, a slimy fetid thing. Ugh. I fought down the gorge as I cleaned her environmentally conscious, canary-yellow steel canister that she called a coffee cup. The damn thing resembled an artillery shell, albeit one painted bright yellow, more than a coffee cup. Or perhaps something that would be used to transport toxic waste. The lid at the top of it was the part that was giving me the heebs. It was a stainless steel disc with a slitty hole in it. The slitty hole was where the smeggy dregs of dried coffee and mouth slime had congregated into a foul smooky gook that stubbornly clung to the cup, like menstrual clots to an unwitting man's penis after some parting the Red Sea action. I shuddered as memories of the times I had been Moses washed over me. In particular that one time where it literally looked as if an eviscerated skinless rodent was clinging to my proud boofter. How dare you say I have a slimy mouth?! That is not very nice, is it? The Good Lady had marched into the kitchen with her hands on her hips like some kind of mental Russian ballet Dancer. I turned and waggled the offending coffee cup lid at her. Look at this? How does it get so minging? I mean really? There is only one possible answer and that milady, is that you have a filthy slimy mouth. I made a gagging noise like a bullfrog eating a wasp. I do not have a slimy mouth! How dare you? Look at it! Look at my mouth, it's cleaner than yours! She opened her mouth wide and yawned it at me like an amorous hippo. See? She fixed me with one of her famous, I'll make you wear condoms again faces. I made to speak and then thought better of it. The idea of making balloon animals in the dark again really wasn't too appealing. I looked down at the lid again, something mooky twitched on it. Huuugggh. But honestly, look at this clingy brown muck I'm having to clean. It's like doing nappies again!? I tossed the lid back into the soapy water behind me where it sunk with a phlegmy burp under the surface. Oh Daddy-Bear, did someone have a few too many beers last night? Is someone feeling a wee bit grumpy-wumpy? She stepped close to me and planted a dainty kiss on my cheek. If my mouth offends you then perhaps I had better keep it all to myself... She drew back and looked at me in the same way a lapdancer looks at a fat man's wallet. I made to deny the ridiculous claim of having too many beers and then remembered the way too many beers that I had had the night before. Oops. Should I confess that yes indeed, I had drunk a tad too much? Or should I seek some other avenue of escape that left me looking saintly and still eligible for some lip tom-foolery? Grumpy? Me? Oh no, my sweet. I am feeling just dandy. You know, now that I think on it, you don't have a slimy mouth. It must have been the kids playing with your cup! I smiled my most winning of smiles which despite being all about the win had still not won me the lottery. The Good Lady smiled and walked away trilling a little tune to herself. No doubt imagining a great victory in the never-ending war that was marriage. I watched her go and shook my head in resignation. The depths a man will stoop to for a slimy mouth.
Never has an old man looked happier at the combination of happenstance, accident and lady-finger fondling that caused 'The Incident.'
Of course, buying a ticket might help...
Lest we forget:
He who parts the Red Sea also speaks to the burning bush.
Oh the burning bush!!! how could I forget... Wait, how could I forget unless the Big G really does exist and he commands it be so!!
The Big G was probably just taking a break in his special spot and forgot to remind you not to forget?
He forgets that I can't remember the things that he tells me the month after December!
Dear Big G:
Remember, remember, the month after December, is a bad month for remembering!
Remember remember or risk a dismember.
I think that's how the lords prayer goes?
Something along those lines! It was either that or crucifixion I believe.
Buy a dishwasher and save your poor fingers. Once you try it you will never go back is what they say.
Lol! You know, we are talking about getting one finally. We always had a shitty small kitchen but I actually fixed the garage and stopped it leaking so a bit of skoofling about time and no more sore fingers! :OD
Oh, you will never wash another dish again after you get one. Mine even scrubs pots! Yes, I know, you can call me lazy, but, at least I don't have dish-pan-hands!
If it could scrub pots that would be even better! My hands can go back to their ladylike softness!
Well, not all, bur most. My hands don't like that warm, sudsy water. Still, it falls upon me.
Le sigh.
The travails of life! How very dare it!
This is exactly what I was thinking. You beat me to it. ;-)
You shouldn't deny how many beers you drunk. Even, you should say the number of bottles proudly :)
I would and do to everyone else except for the Good Lady, she complains at my slothfulness and grumpyness the next day!!! :O)
I've seen and experienced this slime you speak of but do not be alarmed. She's not the only one who does that.
Darn, there is a filthy brotherhood (sisterhood?) out there at it?
These filthy buggers need cleansed!! :OD
Get the soap. It's time for a bubble bath.
Damn, you're forward, I will give you that. Alright then, I'm in!
I don't beat around the bush.
No dicking around. I tell you, I move in many circles and in each and every one you would be seen as a King among men.
Can you lend me a tenner?
A tenner? You be sure to pay up or you'll be singing like a soprano.
Just keep count as you open them. With any luck, you’ll lose count at about three (or maybe two, if you’re having imperial ales). Then, after having “a few” more, when you’re starting to think just this one more, you’ll be able to convince yourself that it’s your fourth.
That is exactly what happens but sometimes I see the cans at the end of the night sitting at the back door and they burn onto my brain so that it is the only thing I do remember with any clarity! :OD
Your use of metaphors and most especially similes on this article i must say i find so hilarious and captivating.
Why thank you!! I do like to play with words!! :0)
You really have a way with words. There's always something in your writing that makes me shudder - the whole menstrual clot metaphor...🤢
Lol
On another note, this reminds me that I need to clean my water bottle.. 😆
Don't clean it, your mind will be assailed with wrongful filthy thoughts!
If I can make someone shudder I am a happy man :OD
Most times I don't bother cleaning it just because I'm lazy 😅
I dont clean mine, the missus is darn fussy though, lol
...and just why were you washing her cup in the first place? Do you always wash all of the dishes? I think it's a fine idea if you do.
Mr. Grumpy-wumpy....LOL !
I do wash a lot of the feckers. It seems to be one of my tasks. Whcih is fine till I finally get a dishwasher! lol, although the idea seems a little wasteful despite being good!
I guess you have to just hate washing dishes the right amount before a dishwasher doesn't seem expensive at all. LOL ! I bought a portable one a year ago after living in this house that doesn't have one for 3 and a half years. UGH ! I detest doing dishes and my life has been so much happier since I bought one.
I wouldnt mind a portable one. I mean, I think I might have been called a portable one in the past. lol. I am doing it though, for too long my beautiful hands have been marred b the very soap of dishness!
You'll have to do like my granny and keep a large bottle of moisturizing hand lotion by the sink, you know, the kind with the pump dispenser on the top. Then after the dishes are done, you dry your hands on your apron and slather a generous dollop all around. Every human portable dishwasher does this 😄
For some horrible reason, the whole set-up sounds like some seedy thing. the day I have a pump dispensing moisturiser by the sink is probably the day I give up and start wearing far more leather than I do!! :OD
LOL !!
Interesting. I thought you were going to say you would have to get another, because your current pump dispensing moisturizer MUST stay in the bathroom !
I know..... how did I know?.. .. it's just a gift.
You really can weave a story auld stock! Fantastic, laughing my ass off as usual, reading this. Does the wife read your ramblings? Looking forward to the next installment of the trials and tribulations with El Jefe!
Cheers dude! I do let her read some of them. Not the ones that are a bit more graphic right enough as I still want to live. LOL!
Ha ha, makes sense man, makes sense!
Ah I do that myself.
The aul hangover and pretending to not have one whilst Sunday mood.
Other clues include cleaning shit for some peace and quiet and the whole I'd love a dirty ride undertone to this post. Hahaha. Love it.
I do like doing something cleaning or DIY shot to get some peace.
There ain't no ride quite like a dirty ride! What hangover I had today,. Glad I am having a hair of the dog!! :OD
We cant be the only ones who have parted the red sea. I shuddered, but we must not stutter lol.
Russian dancers are actually phenomenal too, made me think of some random videos i watched with a lady at work.
Slime on, my good man. Time to time we must slime.
I was thinking of random videos myself when I was wondering how to describe that walking with hands on hips!
Parting the red sea. I wish I could say they were fond memories! The folly of youth!
"It was a stainless steel disc with a slitty hole in it. The slitty hole was where the smeggy dregs of dried coffee and mouth slime had congregated into a foul smooky gook that stubbornly clung to the cup, like menstrual clots to an unwitting man's penis after some parting the Red Sea action."
Damn, I got way too much of a visual on that one haha
I can only hope that what you saw wasn't half the foulness of what I saw!! :0D
If the cup actually looks like an artillery shell it's probably just as well you were washing it otherwise you might have been dodging it XD
Haha, yes it could have been getting launched!! Seriously, it is massive. It's like this giant yellow metal tube. She has to fill it with two coffees and then lectures me that I have too many coffees throughout the day!
I know this slimy mouth thing you speak of. I cannot drink from those cups because of it. It totally grosses me out.
Now I can't unsee it.
Does she wash yours? Every man for himself with those slimy cups!
I do like your style. Happy wife, happy life.
She does wash mine occasionally. She claims it grosses her out though and leaves me to it mostly. Wait, are we still talking about mooky cup lids?
I think a happy wife makes a very happy life!
Good thinking. That's exactly who I would have blamed. Someday these kids are going to grow up and move out and it is going to be very inconvenient.
You know that saying May your cup be always full? Well, if slime=happiness, then May your cup always be slimy.
That bit about Moses is just like something my husband would say. I'm going to read it to him and he is going to appreciate it, and then I will probably regret it later;)
The Moses buit, oh dear. I am far worse in real life than I am on paper... I always worry I go to far so I like hearing of others who say terrible things for the humour.
I blame them for everything, to the point that I might have to have more when they get older and unblameable. Although it might be easier to get a big dog!
You are far from alone. I live with your twin across the pond. Not even the game of Candyland we were playing with the children last night can escape a perverted quip. I keep telling him he is going to have to practice toning that down in front of the children because it won't be too much longer before they understand:)
I highly recommend you get your own Big Dog. Dogs are always on the side of their master. And women like dogs. If Big Dog had been there at your side (literally and philosophically) when you told her she had a slimy mouth, she would have been softened by the adorableness of his face and taken your words so much gentler;)
That is such a familiar scenario. Oh the times I have had exactly the same warnings. Lol!
I have been working on the big Dog front. The obstacle is the Good LAdy. Everyone else is on board. Will keep chipping away, might make the time frames for when they are older.
Oh my husband didn't want all of our things either. It started with one dog. I broke him down and he agreed. Then, of course, he loved it. Then we got another, despite his misgivings, and of course, he loved it. Then we got chickens, which he wasn't so sure about, and he loves them...or at least agrees they serve a useful purpose and were a good idea. And then I hit him with children. Evil laughter He didn't want those either, but surprise - he loves them!
Now we have 2 guinea pigs, 2 rats, and 2 rabbits as well (although one dog has passed away.) And he loves them. Well, truth be told he wants to eat the rabbits. But he hasn't, and that is what is important!
Moral of this story: Spouses have no idea what they will actually love, and sometimes just need a little push ;)
War is hell, my friend.
Yes I am well familiar with such abominations. My son likes to horde filthy used dishes and cups in his room until it is not safe to approach even with a haz-mat suit on. The key is to immediately sink the bacteria breeding petri dishes into a tub of hot soapy water for ages. Then use the thickest of gloves you can buy to handle the mess. Boom, it is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Like you say it is the soul sucking depths a man sometimes has to stoop to...
I sometimes think that the key is to immediately jettison everything into the bin and forget that such horror existed. That would be an expensive hobby though :OD
Hey when Hive moons, no more doing dishes for us. Lets expand that to dirty clothes as well 😁
Yeah, and trainers. Sod this wearing old shoes lark. Lets just wear everything new! :OD
Marriage is without a doubt endless events , some more pleasant than others , but definitely the fact of experiencing something new every day , so to speak , makes it pleasant .
I wish you a happy Tuesday
Happy Tuesday dude! Every day every one should make a blue to experience something pleasant!
Some say I'm stupid for looking for people who have supported me to thank, but I don't care, I thank you for supporting my work.
I wish you a happy day and thank you very much again
You are welcome :O)
Tell the Good Lady that here in America it the woman's job to fetch the coffees and make the sammiches..
Follow me for more relationship advice
I will follow you with my two black eyes and broken leg after Itell her :OD
At first I read "too many bears" instead of "too many beers". That would be a totally different story. Hahaha. 😂
That would probably be a far better tale!! 🤣
When I was planning my kitchen, I had budgeted a certain amount for a dishwasher. When went to the store to get one ... it was more than 50% off ... So, we bought and installed 2. (We luckily had room for both).
Having 2 dishwashers allows you to be as hung over as you want ... There's always enough room to fit the pots and pans in too. But, don't think the arguments will cease... they will simply morph.
"Why would you load the dishwasher this way?" Is a sentence that you will immediately regret.
"Who's turn is it to dump the dishwasher?" : If you have to ask - it's likely your turn.
"Why do we have two dirty dishwashers?" : Again, don't ask, just run one.
I recommend that you start with 1, then get used to it ... but don't rule out upgrading to 2.
2!! Crazy!! Well ,it would be for us. We don't really have room for one until we trick out the garage with the washer dryer. We are still hesitant because we might get the house extended at the back which to be honest rankles with me because it will mean that my gargantuan decking effort was all for naught. I am kinda hoping that we cant afford to this year! :OD
If we extend tho, there could be two!
If you extend the house ... you might be able to put on a second story deck.
I can picture you sitting on your second story deck, then the neighbours will be providing you offerings of beer to join you. For some reason, I imagine it will look something like this.
Hrmmmm.... how did that image get into my head ....
I guess it'll remain a mystery
Lol, Lions? How did we get onto Lions ;O)
If I had a second story deck then I would have to get a man in to do it. I reached my limit with a ground(ish) level one!
I like your narrations. Is good to grace good relationship but to be straight with you. You need to think well deep if, your of story lines pictures the exact what may have translated your post. Meanwhile, I like your self respect somehow in the picture. Again, I advice you reason yet well. Cheers
I like your comment. It has given me pause for rumination. As has your 100% voting power... ;O)
🔥🔥🔥🔥
A vote to go with your emojis might have been nice!
✔️✔️✔️
✅✅✅
🚀🚀🚀
Hahahahahahahhaah!! AWesome!
Thank you 🌹
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