Last night was one of those nights where the whole of my body just feels like being sad. This usually happens to me when things isn't going my way but last night was different because as far as I know, everything is going great. Unfortunately, when I start feeling this way, the only way to shake it off is to go be in the midst of people and just try and do something, anything that would keep my mind busy.
But it was the middle of the night and everyone else were inside their room. I did have someone in my room at the time but they were already asleep, so it felt like it was just me.
Now usually in the past when I felt this way, it usually doesn't bring a tear out of my eyes because even though my whole mind and body wants to be sad, there's nothing to be sad about. But for the past three years, it's been different. Whenever I feel this way, my thoughts automatically takes me to my late mom and the tears just flows out like the rock Moses smashed with his rod in the bible.
I wanted to hold myself because I didn't want the other person in my room to see me crying, but it was like every attempt I made to hold it back, just made it worse. And then my mind started wandering on its own, searching for memories of my mom and it did find one quickly, it was a memory that made me cry and smile both at the same time.
Many years ago, I had just learned how to make and design birthday cards with cardboard papers and I had done some for both my mom and my dad. I had written some beautiful things in it with no intention to give it to either of my parents. I didn't grow up in an "open family" where everyone easily told each other that they love them so doing something like that, that had a lot of love of affection in it wasn't really something I'd normally do and I only did it because I was learning how to perfect the cards.
So I had made a couple of those and wrote some really nice things in them before keeping them at my mom's shop, with no intentions of anyone finding them. Well my mom did find them and I remember I was playing with my friends when she called me, she had this huge smile on her face and I was going to ask why she was smiling but then I saw the cards in her hand and I kinda felt a bit embarrassed because like I said, we weren't the "I love you" kinda family. We all loved ourselves deeply, we just never really say it out loud.
So she had seen the cards and told me that she loved them and I had immediately ran back to go continue playing with my friends.
Remembering all of that last night, broke me. It just made the tears come out more and more and luckily for me, I fell asleep.
I cried myself to sleep which kinda was a miracle because I've been suffering from insomnia for some time now. Anyways, I'm better now and I no longer feel like shit. I guess last night was kinda like a reboot that I needed and now that it's all done, I feel great again.
There are times you will remember some events and you will be very sad
It happens but you just have to be strong again
Yeah, that's true. Memories like this will always come and go. Being strong is all that matters.
Thank you for reading.