I had an interesting conversation with a colleague today, about saying "sorry" - for our behavior, and they disagreed with me, or at least partially. The setup was because I didn't apologize to another colleague for my behavior in a meeting, even though they thought I should in order to facilitate the discussion further. We had come in with different understandings and expectations and were unable a suitable rhythm.
But the reason I didn't apologize is, because it wasn't what I did that was the issue, it was who I am that was the problem, as based on the information I had, I acted appropriately and authentically - I am not going to apologize for that in the same way I am not going to apologize for the color of my skin. If you don't like it, I can acknowledge the discomfort it might cause you and my own failings, but it is not something to say sorry for. However, I will still look to find some kind of workaround.
I have a pretty strong value system and while I can adapt in many ways to a situation, I will stick to what I believe, as for me, integrity is important. Over the years, many people have had to or learned to rely on me in various ways, and me sticking to my values is a source of security for them. This means that they don't have to like me, to be able to trust me. Yet, because of this, at least as we get to know each other, I do tend to make good friends.
But, if I were to bend and grovel every time somebody didn't get a good first impression of me or disliked my behavior, it would mean losing the authenticity that builds that integrity and trust. It would end up being acceptance-seeking behavior, like a low-status guy at a bar agreeing with everything a girl says, in the hope he will get lucky - it doesn't work and it is very transparent and at least from my experience, comes across as very insincere.
Now, the discussion wasn't an argument over this and it was noted that this is a "grey area" as it is definitely preference based, but true to form, I will stick to my guns on this and will err on the side of only apologizing when I actually believe I should apologize, not when someone else believes I should apologize. There is a nuance here that seems to go by unnoticed these days, where everyone is meant to be apologetic whenever someone else gets upset. This begs for insincerity and meaningless sorries, because it isn't instigated by the "perpetrator".
This doesn't mean that points of contention can't be raised and the suggestion for the sorry be made, but demanding an apology does not yield the results expected and leaves everyone feeling worse off. We see this heavily in the socialized "cancel culture" where no matter what someone does, whether in the right or wrong, whether they apologize or not, there is no win for them, as there will always be multiple groups who will find fault with the approach - leaving an unwinnable situation - damned if you do, damned if you don't.
But at least, for those who are authentic in their approach and sincerely apologetic when they feel the need to be, no matter how it is received, they can at least know that they did their best, they held their values and despite the result - they weren't just saying the words in order to get acceptance from a group or an individual, as the case may be.
Am I wrong?
Maybe. But, I shouldn't have to apologize for other people's feelings of hurt, when it is quite obvious that it wasn't my intention and the approach I have taken was sincerely the one I thought was the best to take. Yes, I can acknowledge it might not have been the best way for that particular person or occasion in hindsight and discuss it, but there is another issue here, insert someone else into the equation and the identical approach could have yielded stunningly positive results. So, who should apologize, the person who had their feelings hurt, or the person who expects another person to be someone they are not, in order to protect their feelings? Well, that is the same person.
For me, unless I have background information to the contrary, I assume the best in most people I interact with, knowing that there are many types of people in this world with a whole spectrum of skills and ticks that will affect how they interact and communicate. Would the same person have expected an apology for social skill from someone with autism? What if they had known I had recently had a stroke? Perhaps.
In my experience, the people who get the most hurt and demand apologies for others hurting their feelings are those who expect to be respected. But, just like trust, respect is earned, it doesn't come from title or station and just because other people respect the person, it doesn't mean anyone else has to. The expectation and demanding of apologies shows a lack of respect and, points to personal issues of inadequacy and delusions of grandeur.
I agree, apologies are important, but they aren't to be thrown around to manipulate situations to facilitate a better outcome, as that degrades the value of apology itself. Instead, they should be reserved for when a person sincerely wants to deliver it, to someone who sincerely wants to receive it. Only ask for an apology if actually willing to provide forgiveness, not just to satisfy needs to feel respected and authoritative.
If you haven't heard my rule of thumb related to this, I will end with it.
One third of people will like you.
One third will dislike you.
One third will not care much either way.
No one can make everyone happy - best be authentic for yourself and spend time and energy on those who deserve it.
The outcome of what instigated the discussion in the first place, was that in the end, we did find some common ground and did move on and began building a functional relationship. Who knows, perhaps one day we will sit down over a drink and have a laugh about how we started the conversation way back when - it has happened before.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I've never requested an apology from anyone (except the children I'm raising).
If you did something wrong and you apologise, I'll respect you more.
If you did nothing wrong and you apologise, I'll respect you less.
And this is how I feel, meaning that if I apologise like this, I have less respect for myself.
Well put! I have apologized way too often in my life out of guilt or people-pleasing tendencies. You are absolutely right that it not only does a disservice to yourself but also to the other person because it comes across as insincere. However, in cases where I don't believe I did anything wrong but there was a misunderstanding, I will attempt to set things straight.
This is important of course. I don't shy away from the discomfort of these discussions, but I am not going to apologize unless I actually did something wrong.
I've had people demand apologies before in life and on line, most of the time the answer is no when an apology is demanded, especially if nothing I did warrants an apology.
Kind of makes me want to say You want an apology fine: I'm sorry your to stupid to understand what I said. I do not of course, but they also do not get an apology from me, apologies are for real life situation, bumped some ones car, accidentally startled someone, not for hurt feelings where no harm was done nor intended. Society has made sorry a meaningless word.
I would also add - sorry you are unable to recognize differences in people also. :)
and this is why I try to bring the meaning back to it - at least in my world.
What, you mean I won't get an apology from you simply because I WANT it? How un-21st-century of you, Taraz. Nowadays, everyone is entitled to an apology, and alongside it, the whole world. Personally, I agree with you, I'm not big on apologies, either, as long as it means forsaking my principles, so I reckon you did the right thing. But who am I to know what's right in this messed up world of ours?
Yes, "entitled" is the right word to use here, isn't it?
You have said it all....you cannot make everyone happy, the moment we realize that the easier it will be for us to handle people in a better way..
Some people are "people pleasers" and spend their life miserable.
Which is very sad..
I personally think that forcing someone to apologise already defeats the purpose of a true apology...if I want to apologise it should be something I was willing to do and not coerced to do it..
Precisely - making it not an apology at all - just words said, like a confession made under coercion, doesn't hold up in court.
Yeah sure..
Earning respect is something happen naturally on the base of our action which is always make us feel honoured but nowadays it goes little different where people physically or mentally put us in the frame to make us feel apologized.
In your work place , if company conduct meeting with employees about profit and loss then at the certain point where success not met to achieve target ,felt aplogised to them unnecesarily .
I differentiate people's respect for me or, the respect for what I do. What I find is, regardless of what they think of me, they can still respect what I do - we might not be friends, but the relationship can still be functional.
I definitely am too agreeable for my liking...and is something I've been conscious working on for the past year. The thing with being a people pleaser is that it is sure to get tiring at some point and starts feeling fake
I think it feels fake for everyone concerned, doesn't it?
Perhaps...except no one calls you(the person) out mot of the times and you slowly start eating yourself up
Yeah I agree. However, what I have found with a few people is, part of that those they interact with tend to move away from them, which might speed the eating up, as the chase for acceptance intensifies
Just continue to be yourself...do not allow them to make you turn to a fake person just to please them..
We lose when we try to make everybody happy. I used to be like that before, I don't care everybody anymore, but only with those who I get on well.
I follow my truths even if no one appreciates it. If I were right, I wouldn't apologize. If apologized, I wouldn't be right even if I were right.
Some people all too eager to apologize and they do it without thinking whether it is justified or not. It makes it all meaningless - much like how people use the word "love" now.
This is quite true regardless of who they are they just want an apology to clear their feelings. Like you said you can't please everyone no matter the kind of person you may be there will still be people that will still find fault in you so the best thing is to make yourself happy.
Many people live in a fantasy world of importance - believing that the world and everyone in it, owes them something.
Alot of entitlement mentality...it is even more dissappointing when such mentality comes from those you really love so much..
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Sibling dearest and I have gotten into constant arguments about my lack of parenting skills because I stupidly taught the kids to apologise when they were actually sorry. Now they do actually apologise when they are genuinely sorry and want to make amends/reparations or feel bad about something (like when you say "sorry" because you're "sorry"/sad that something has happened to someone but it's otherwise no one's fault).
Must be the brain glitches, I didn't realise we were actually supposed to be saying sorry purely to make people feel better x_x
Yes, since there were two people I mentioned. What about it?
Not to please people - but if you are not happy with the results you get, it is worth reviewing your own process. People could accept you as you, and still ignore everything you ever say.
When people are incessantly talking negatively about the system they choose to operate with, I think that qualifies as complaint. When it all stems around a result that they are not themselves getting, I think they are not happy with their results. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist.
This is not true at all. Many people can raise awareness on even some very topical issues, and still not be ignored.
No one should - but people should still consider their process, if they are not getting the results they want. But hey, some people just love to complain, but not actually look toward themselves to see if change might be useful. People are stubborn to the point they victimize themselves.