I am going to die.
I see the Grim Reaper come by;
Who am I?
before I blink the last bat of the eye.
I am a great lover of the tarot; it's a passion that I have developed for no other reason than my love of spirituality and religion. Also, my shadow loves all things halloween, for fun of course. However, I have found deep peace studying the pictures and symbols. I have had a sort of awakening inside my self; one that I never thought possible. I hung onto Jesus for a really, really long time. I did not want to confront those painful aspects in life. I did not want to confront death. I wanted to hang onto the religion of my childhood, it made me feel safe. Yet, curiosity got the best of me.
It helps me with my interpretation of the bible I once held close. I think about Jesus's words in a different light; looking at them as historical, not all encompassing. It's interesting when looking at his words from a New Ager's perspective -- from a secular perspective. Learning about tarot has helped me process my own death, and the future deaths of those around me. It helps me and I like it. And it is really fun; and non-judgemental. It has also helped take the perfection frame off my mother; I took off the rose coloured glasses of childhood. I now know they are simply spectacles and smile at the previous bliss that once shaded my view. Some people long for the idealism of childhood, perfection -- and aim to give the same dream world back to their children. To desire be able to give them a perfect childhood is a foolish concept. What is a flawless childhood? Who did not suffer?
It reminds me of how equal we all are in some ways; we are all one. It's a spiritual concept that has helped me -- understand my own darkness, my own weaknesses; my impending death. If I didn't have Jesus; what would happen when I died? The skies are opening now-a-days and the Earth's vibration is changing. I'd like to believe that we will move forward with unity, one day. Perhaps, it is when I am dead and buried.
Who am I?
That's the question I began writing in my diaries ever since the age of ten -- who am I? What did I come here to do? What did I come here to be? I believe we are all asking ourselves the same questions. We all are wearing a watch with a questionable amount of time. Death is the great unifier; neither rich nor poor escape. We all live a fraction of time in the scope of eternity. We are all humanoid meat suits that have a time stamp on the back of our heads; ones that we cannot see. When I gave birth; I went to the gates of life and death. Very few times in one's life do you get to go there; it's an honor to stand there and feel the change that begins morphing in one's bones. In childhood, we develop our meatsuit; in adulthood we develop our minds.
Who am I?
What is death?
Who will I be before I die?
It's a deep question one has to ponder when they lose their childhood religion; when the show stops interesting us, when Jesus is taken down off the pedestal. He is only one ancient teacher; he is a humanoid meatsuit full of the same source energy we are also made from. He is the son of god; and we all are additionally the same sons and daughters of source. We are all one, we are made of life energy; we are all holy. We all have a unifying space between the atoms -- that connects everything to everything.
"The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9)
We are not new;
our ideas are not new;
we are all ancient,
the space is all the same.
IMAGE SOURCE: BOTA TAROT CARDS<3
Death, number 13; my lucky number. The number I proclaimed, owned, loved; and now to truly contemplate as it relates to myself. Who am I? It's a question that plagues my soul, eats my heart out -- the skeleton holding the sickle. Have I made peace with death? Have I made peace with the small sliver of time that I have left here on Earth? Or am I angry at the passing of time? I refuse to let any more time pass to reminisce on the past; on the bad days. I have many more hard days to look forward too, many more joyful ones as well. I must understand and process the dichotomy. There is always light with darkness; one cannot escape with a perfect life. One cannot separate the ying from the yang. Sinlessness is to live in harmony with the divine light inside you; to live in harmony with that inner truth. Not to live without darkness. We all have a shadow we must harnise. There are no rules, except your own. And let this be a warning: do not break your own; to follow someone else's. Know why you are following someone else's laws. Does it feel safer?
Q: Do I believe in God?
A: A Source Power Energy; Sun; Light, Devine, "Good"
Q: Do I believe in the Devil?
A: Dark, deep, murky confusion, illusion, delusion and lies; "Bad"
Q: Do I believe in the human soul?
A: Soul is space, is everything in between; the matrix; consciousness
Q: Do I believe in hell?
A: I do believe in suffering; it is only in the mind.
Q: Do I believe in the kingdom of heaven?
A: The present moment; the joys of living free
Q: Do I believe in eternal death?
A: Energy is motion regardless of the state or the time frame. There is something much bigger than the timespan that we are on; there is something outside the walls of a ticking time bomb. There is consciousness, source, space -- the present moment.
I believe all religion has an element of truth; that everyone has access to the present moment, meditation of the mind, a world free of suffering. As pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional. True suffering is inside the memories, stuck on repeat. I suffered for 13 years; I suffered from November 19th 2007 until now. It's through writing and processing that I am able to release a lot of these feelings and emotions. The key to life is: we have died while we were still alive -- we have died to ourselves many times. Actual death is much similar. I believe DMT is released in our brain at the moment of death and we begin replaying the memories. We relive, once again. And we move onto a different consciousness plane; we just have to pass through the veil of death. We just have to pass through the veil of life. We heal, we feel, we die -- we later become born again; over and over.
Change and renewal;
birth and death.
Child to preteen;
Preteen to teenager;
teenager to young adult;
young adult to adult;
adult to motherhood;
mother to crone;
Crone to grave;
Grave to womb;
womb to birth;
birth to breath;
breath to child;
Egg to Caterpillar;
Caterpillar to cocoon;
Cocoon to butterfly;
butterfly to life flutters by.
Betty to Jeffrey;
to Laura to Townes
Everything is circular;
Everything is pattern;
Seed to sprout;
Sprout to shoot;
Kitten to Cat;
Puppy to Dog;
Infant to toddler,
My little boy is growing up fast.
I am growing up fast.
My sister no longer bites me;
I am no longer taller than my brother;
I have a child;
She has a child;
And one day -- they will have a child.
One day, my children will sit by my bedside as I perish; if I am so lucky. All the money in the world cannot save men from dying. Nothing can save everyone I've ever met. We will all come face to face with mortality. In the end, the curse is on us; our bodies will turn back into dust. And with that dust, we will grow vegetation -- and life springs up from our death.
All we truly have is the present moment.
For how long had I been wishing it away?
I look into my sisters eyes. Eyes I have known since the day she was born; a skin that I have grown to feel comforted by, a touch of my childhood. She is the futuristic projection of past generations; a woman I hope to grow old along side of. I saw my mother in my sister today. I saw myself in my nephew today. I saw how wonderful of a mother she was; how much she deeply cared about another. How much her soul ached to give him the best of her. A call that spoke to her in the depths of her soul. The same calling that once spoke softly to my own mother. Motherhood called my sister up one day, at a time she was not expecting. Life became real, decisions became multidimensional. My sister chose to be a mother at the displeasure of her own father. I watched my sister rise out of her shame and into a beautiful, intelligent creature.
I told her that at 13 she would turn into a witch. At 13, I was to turn into a mermaid -- and she could too, only if she followed my demands.
Get into the cold shower, stand in there.
I beat on the glass, watch in my hand.
It had been two minutes.
"How is it in there?" I yelled at her through the plexi-glass.
"It's really not too bad," she squeaked.
I gave her my worst imaginable test; cold water.
Cold water, like not even and inch of hot.
And, "It's not so bad?" I sneared.
I went back to my chambers to think of a worser test.
She had to prove herself to be a mermaid.
Until then, she was a witch.
I had a difficult time seeing that I would have chosen the events in my life; even if I could have seen the end from the beginning. Who knows what would have happened if I would not have gone away? Would I have been able to survive high school? Could I have gained some great experiences from remaining in my class? Would I have had the same passion for mental health? It's a piece of the world's fabric of problems that isn't heavily understood. Why do some hang onto changing the past? Is not destiny calling? Why would I choose that path for myself again; I can't hold on if it was my choice all along. Why would I have chosen to still write diaries even if I knew I'd get in trouble? Why would I have chosen to walk down this path, regardless of the consequences upon my development or experiences?
Maybe it was because I deeply knew my purpose, subconsciously. And if I have a purpose to life that I've been following unaware, everyone does. What is yours? They just need to ignite that divine spark inside their soul. They need the divine spark in their heart to grow and take on it's genuine consciousness in order to manifest. It leads the way, it is that light that shines awareness onto the prescribed path. The earth, the inhabience, the state of the world is changing rapidly. We are all given the chance to heal, we are all given the chance to grow and change. We all die and become reborn multiple times throughout our dynamic and ever changing life. If I believe in the neuroplastic and dynamic forces of the universe, then I believe in everlasting life.
"And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he brake it, and gave to them, saying, This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me."American Standard Version
The bread, solid matter; the wine, liquid matter -- when you see solid and liquids, remember it is all but matter. We are the spaces inbetween. We are all one.
I hated my mother less when I saw the mother of my sister. I saw how much she loved her child. I saw the pain of the child's future figurative death their mother goes through as they begin to grow, oh so fast. I am sure my mother went through this. When everything was so simple, "get that rock out of your mouth," I ran and scooped out a pebble from my 13 month old. I save his life multiple times on the beach. When he cries, I know when he is hungry -- when he is just tired I hear it in his tone. I know him, now. Life is simple. His emotions are simple, his life is one of simplicity. That will all change one day. He won't remember himself as an infant, those memories will only live on inside me and his father. I am not sure who he is going to be; I recognize it is not going to be me -- and it will be version of myself all at the same time.
It's weird, because I kind of saw myself in him at one point. I started feeling the tug of the patterning that was placed upon my subconscious growing up. My parents projected and vomited all their shit onto the children without any awareness. I was being vomited on spiritually; no wonder I became emetophobic on the physical realm. They did not get to know me as a person, they did not want me to self discover through experiences -- that was too dangerous. At sixteen, they felt the need to scoop the rock out of my mouth, to put me somewhere safe. If I died during high school; how could they live with themselves? The fear ate them alive; mortality came knocking on their door. And their intentions was to protect me from those harsh realities of the world, by throwing me into the harsh realities of the world. They did not see the paradox. They did one thing to protect me, without fully realizing the future ramifications. Yet, I got to benefit from it. I got my entire life path. I received my calling in life. To help those people -- to shut down the modern day asylums.
My parents had a difficult time understanding how to manage and motivate me; it took myself seven years from the time I became "free" (the day I got married) to figure myself out. It took me seven years before I was allowed to go into this marvelous state of being; postpartum depression took me to the depths of hell and returned me onto the kingdom of heaven.
Maybe my life is all by choice.
I am a warrior; I am a mother; I evolved.
I think my own mother just had a difficult time processing her own path. And if I walked every mile in her shoes; I would do and choose the same thing, as we are all one. Not one of us is better than another; that is the delusion, that thinking is the devil. This year I evolved out of my childhood religion, Christianity and into spirituality.
And it feels better.
I feel better.
I am following my truth and honing my skill until death meets me.
I hope to delay our visit for awhile,
I am sure you've gotten the request before,
I have a child to attend too --
I have a mother to build.
I have an empire to slash with my sword.
longlivefreedomofspeech
longlivehive