I love one liner jokes. Two comedians who master this form are Steven Wright and Mitch Hedberg. Personally I think Steven has an edge over Mitch but they're both great comedians. In honor of these two greats, I created a list of one-lines of my own. A random assortment of jokes. One after another. unconnected (for the most part). Feel free to read them in the voice of Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg, they might sound funnier that way.
The hard part about one-liners is that a lot of the funny comes from the comedian. Their voice, delivery and timing. The the way they move across the stage and act out. With that in mind I still wanted to give it a try. So Here goes...
I became a vegan almost two years ago; I lost twenty pounds - but I gained it all back, it all went strait to my ego.
I have a deep voice and I don't enunciate. which means I have deep thoughts I can't understand
Sex with my ex is a lot like a rock concert. It was always loud, sweaty, and I always had to pay to get it... and that's after I waited in line for hours...and back stage was always off limits.
This one time I was watching the grateful dead. Jerry Garcia was running around the stage, I thought, wow, this guy must be on some major drugs to act like that, Then I realized I was on drugs and was at an aerosmith concert.
I love Aerosmith, they're my favorite band. I've seen Aerosmith in three different states: Drunk, High and Keith Richards.
I had a mid-life crises but I think I messed it up - instead of upgrading to a brand new BMW I bought a used BMX.
Having a cover band talk about their music is like taking singing lessons from Milli Vanili
I was at a L.A Guns show. I thought I was being clever so I ask this girl if she wanted to be LA'ed.
It amaze me how some bands stay together for decades and other bands go through more members than a porn star.
49 cents for a postage stamp is a good deal. Just think of it. for 49 cents I can have a letter travel 100's or even thousands of miles, wow, by compassion you have to pay a stripper at least a dollar and she'll only move like five feet....
I once spent the night in jail. It was too late to finish the game of monopoly.
I flipped the bird once; It was not the same as cow tipping.
there is a big prostitute problem in Las Vegas, must be all the buffets.
Jehovah witness's and zombie have a the same problems. When people see them trudging up the walk they shut off the lights, lock the doors and grab their guns.
I was buying eggs the other day and wondered why they don't come in a layers dozen.
my son's only four but I already know he will be a party animal. Last week he painted his room red
I've heard to write one great joke I need to write at least fifty... you can tell by this joke that I quite at five
Well there you go-
These were fun to write and with more practice I believe I could write so really good jokes. But in truth I enjoy forming jokes into longer bits as well. One-liners might be fun to write and preform but if not delivered in a certain style or manor they feel unfinished. but their a great way to rapid fire raw material that can be formed into a longer style.
Time to nominate two more victims huh? Alright lets call out @phoneinf and @Gormogon
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