I guess I'm losing it (whatever it is)

in #ecencylast month (edited)

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↑New Dining room arrangement↑
↓Old arrangement↓

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For more than a year, I've been running on an assumption, and planning on having a friend from New York to come down and share an apartment with me (that was the initial plan)

Even before the madness in Smyrna with "Midwood Management" buying the complex and jacking up the rent (illegally) with no notice, I had been looking for 2 or 3 bedroom apartments that I could afford.
Yes, he would be paying rent, but that was a nebulous arrangement.
He is/was a retired, disabled Registered Nurse, an overweight diabetic, with health issues that go along with that.
Plus, like me, he has serious issues with depression.
So he currently lives in a home that was converted into a 3 apartment scenario. Each with an outside access, each has kitchen/bathroom/laundry stuff, but it is a slum lord set up, where the slum lord doesn't fix things.
My friend was always running out of money to pay for either his internet or his phone, and I was always having to bail him out.
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Then, I came upon the notion that, since I have credit, and I have far more income than he does, I could buy a house.
I did that, this is an 80 yr old farm house with 3 beds and 2 baths.
Needs lots of work. I can do a lot of it, but being ALONE in some cases is dangerous, and in all cases it becomes hard for me to decide WHAT TO DO NEXT.
That was where he was going to come in.
Company, someone to chat with, walk around and help with things in the yard etc...
In that process he would be outside (never goes out up there) getting exercise and fresh air and sunlight.
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That was the plan. And he had his bus ticket, he had a date to come down for a two week trial/visit in January 2021.
First, the massive snow storm.
Then he had stomach issues that I insisted he get checked out (I didn't want him to come down and be sick the whole time)
Colonoscopy had to be scheduled, performed then the results delivered (another nearly month long process)
He had a bunch of polyps and an intestinal parasite. Fairly routine stuff.
Then he had the chance to get the vaccine. Another month wait.
Then he kept missing the bus, he'd set up his departure time and over sleep or something always happened.
Finally, he rescheduled for an afternoon departure (nearly 24 hr on the bus from NY to GA).
When that day arrived, he said "alright, I'm leaving for the bus station, I have Discord on my phone so I'll be able to touch base with you"
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I'd been outside working, came in and took a nap.
When I got up, there was a message in Discord from him.
Not sure where you may be around the property at the moment.
Jerry, I just can't do this.
I am sitting here in tears. I have tried to get my ass moving and it's not getting anywhere. I'm still home.
I just can't do this right now even though a part of me says yes. I am a horrible friend and if you never want to speak to me again, I would completely understand. I've been putting this off and I just don't know what else to say but I am sorry.

So it seems he has Agoraphobia

extreme or irrational fear of entering open or crowded places, of leaving one's own home, or of being in places from which escape is difficult.

Kinda late for that tidbit to be revealed, That all happened last Friday, and I've been very depressed and drinking more heavily at night than I have in years, and...
I am still alone.
This morning I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 am and I felt like doo doo.
It is grey and rainy, just like yesterday. Great weather for feeling sorry for yourself.
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This too shall pass, and I will continue on, I'm just miserable right now.
I have an absence to deal with, and my drinking to wrestle back under control.
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source
I'll be in touch, and I'll leave the light on for you.
All images are original our linked to the source.
Written this day by
Jerry E Smith
©05/11/2021







Self Portrait from about 1978

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Hello Jerry. This is Steven from Singapore. We all have our baggage and problems. Hope yours turn for the better soon ! big hugs

Thank you for that bit of commiseration. It is appreciated @sinlg
I wonder who or why someone downvoted this comment?

There is this bot called spaminator that thinks my posts are spam and will devote all my posts that have aby upvote.

You should go to the Hivewatchers server and appeal (I couldn't find an invitation, but here is the URL)

https://discord.com/channels/333959953951752194/428637147935801345

Oh Jerry, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. You told be about him some time ago, and I figured he should have being with you by now since it was a long time ago.

I am pretty sure you will get company soon so you can speak with and spend time with.

Okay, tell you what. I am almost always on discord. You're a very interesting fella with a beautiful yard 😅 and also a great mind of poetry. I will be happy to text you in discord all day. I myself happen to need a chat buddy as sometimes things get overwhelming for me here in my shitty country.

I do hope you're well Jerry.

Sending love and light

Ah @stevenson7 , if it were only that, but in fact I am pretty much the opposite.
I don't LIKE to "chat".
To me, chatting implies things like "How is the weather there?" or "What about that game last night?" things that are basically of no consequence.
He and I have been carrying on a DAILY exchange of medical info (about our various ailments) and about his plans to come down, and my plans on what we'd do during those two weeks of the trial visit.

In the last month or so, I'd pretty much decided for myself, that it would be JUST a visit, because enough had been revealed that I could tell it wouldn't work as a roommate/renter situation.

I still have TONS of things to do, just no motivation at present to try and get them done.

Thank you for the offer @stevenson7 , and I'm not saying no.

I get the full picture now. I guess you're still open to renting out the other room of your apartment.

Well, yes and no.

In 2014 I ran an advert in Craig's List, looking for a room or rooms to rent.

Found a nice arrangement in Marietta, 2 rooms on the garage level in a house where a mother and her 3 sons lived. One bathroom upstairs shared by all (the mother had her own b'room)
This worked quite well for about 8 months, however that whole time the middle son (18 yrs old at the time) broke into my rooms at least 2 times that I know of, he sold his mom's blower and lawnmower (that I was using to keep the place nice, not part of my rental agreement, I'm just that kinda guy)
The last time he broke in, he stole my TV, some computer gear, and close to $100 USD of loose coin.

My point is in bringing this up, you never know what you're going to get.

My friend from NY was not a TOTAL stranger; we'd been friends for over 10 yrs online.

I don't think I can face that with a total stranger. Not yet. I still need the company and help around the place, and that little bit of income would help make buying stuff for the house that much easier.
Still thinking @stevenson7

Oh wow. What' a douche the kid was. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

You're right anyways, Can't really allow random strangers in. I see why you felt bad over your NY bud.

I do still pray and hope for the best for you.

"The Kid" has now spend several years in prison.
Not because of me, 'tho I did call the cops, and I did file a report.
I also cleaned up the glass when he kicked in the sliding door of HIS MAMA'S house,
I cam home from a weekend away at a family reunion. (this was the first break in)
I didn't notice anything at first, but when I went to set my stuff from the trip on my bed, I pulled the covers back and there were odd stains there.
Now, I have been known to eat in bed, and I've been known to be sloppy. None of that seemed right, but I moved on.
That night, when I went to GO to bed, it collapsed partially. A couple of slats were broken.
The damned FU__Ker had used my bed to get him a piece of ASS in before he robbed me.
Never told his mama about that part.

The new one looks vibrant 😍

It was an attempt to break out of this funk I'm in, didn't really help, yet.

Thanks @rem-steem for stopping by and commenting. Always a pleasure to hear from you 💚

My pleasure. 💚
Have wonderful day 🤩🤩

Hey, Jerry! Sorry to hear about your friend. I know you have known him for ten years online, but, I think that is what is the keyword: online. He had things that you never knew about and in some ways, I think everything works out the way it is supposed to. I know it doesn't seem like that now, but, it will.

I hope something falls into your lap, but, you need to prepare yourself so you will be ready. It is hard to get back on that wagon once you jump off, but, you don't want a great roommate to be turned off by the drinking.

I love your house, it looks so nice and has lots of space. You have really made it comfortable inside. I truly wish you luck.

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I wrestle with that snake myself. I wish you the strength to turn right if the liquor store is to your left, if only for tonight.

I'm sorry about your friend.

Cute house though!!!! It looks like it's in really good shape too. Lots of property, and even a bit with enough sun to grow veggies. That was a score.

Thank you so much @owasco, I've been in plenty or rehabs, so in my head I know what to do, but right now, my heart isn't into it. And incidentally, the nearest liquor store is about ¼ mile from here, and you can get there by going either right or left ha ha ha...🤣

I wondered for years who in their right minds would buy those little one shot bottles, and now I am one of those crazy people. I buy two a day, and know where the cheapest prices are. I don't pour until the liquor store is closed. Covid has been really hard. No meetings, no socialization, lots of BS. It was easier when the restaurants had to close early. Good luck!!!

Yepper, that is one thing that helped me keep from excess, Once I'd broken my 11 yrs clean, I quickly found that more than two drinks, especially in quick succession, and I would not only be pretty much worthless the next morning, but also nearly sick.

Unlike the bad ole days, when I started drinking vodka straight outta the bottle as early as I wanted, and kept on going as long as I had money or could beg/panhandle for enough to get the next drink.

So now, even when things are good, I don't drink until I turn on the evening news (which is enough to make anyone run screaming to the liquor store).
I'll have my 2 mixed drinks, go to bed and read, then get up the next morning feeling fine.

Or that has been how it's been for quite a while now. RIGHT now, I have about 2 drinks worth in the fridge. There is nothing stopping me getting more, but me.
Thanks again @owasco my friend. I wish you the strength you need as well

Time to stop, ponder and regroup !

I know you must be disappointed. Although I don't believe everything happens for a good reason (sorry folks ! ha ha)....I do believe once in a while we're better off if we don't get what we think we want, even if we can't see why. It doesn't always turn out that way, but you know, it could be a Godsend that it hasn't worked out.

I know that doesn't help in this moment, but give yourself a little time to re-adjust and something new will come up ! It always does.

I had already pretty much decided he would NOT be coming to live here, too many medical issues between us.
But I WAS looking forward to meeting him face-to-face and spending some time showing him around, and around my new house.
I've got all the modern plumbing too!image.png

Yay! 🤗
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