Greetings Steemians,
I hope you're all doing well today. I've been a little under the weather lately with fever symptoms that are getting progressively worse. Hopefully it's nothing serious and will pass quickly. Either way, I was talking about consistency yesterday, and since I have something I want to write about, I'm just pushing through this.
Pixabay
So let's talk about boundaries.
Boundaries
Merriam-Webster online dictionary
I'm not really impressed with this definition, but it's pretty to the point and clear I suppose.
We all have boundaries, I promise you that, and if anyone disagrees then please let me know and we'll have a chat about why you certainly do have boundaries.
What does it mean to set boundaries with other people?
My best understanding would be:
To set boundaries is to impose a limit to a physical or psychological threshold in which if crossed will create undue mental anguish.
The severity of the mental anguish is really only measurable to the one who feels violated.
At some point in your life maybe you can recall feeling like someone violated your boundaries? I will even suggest that it is very likely that you the reader has also crossed the boundaries of others in the past. (known or unbeknownst) Not everyone will tell you if you've crossed a boundary. If you're perceptive, you might know without being told.
Why do I think it is likely that each and every one of us have crossed boundaries at one point or another in our lives?
I believe this because human perception is very broad. No two people perceive exactly the same, and what might be a boundary for you, could be something welcomed by another. There is much to consider when it comes to boundaries, and there are even people who will feel you're crossing a boundary if you look at them. (and I don't mean stare, just simply make eye contact, and no offense if that applies to you, it's just not a serious boundary to me, in fact lack of eye contact will influence me to not trust someone.) So I do believe that no matter what, if you're exposed to other human beings, you're going to cross a boundary at some point even if it's an accident.
Easy for some, tough for others
I would say that I am great at providing people with "hints" that they are either crossing my boundaries or coming close to crossing boundaries.
What I am not so great at is laying out certain boundaries in a nice way.
I will provide some working examples of what I am talking about here, because of course something "provoked" this topic in futuremind's mind. 😉
I live in a medium size low income housing complex. People who (for lack of a better term) have their shit together are not the norm here.
A new tenant moved in yesterday with minimal property. My intuition that he was coming from a homeless shelter was later verified. (which is totally fine, I myself moved here from a shelter, so I am of course empathetic because I know what hardship is.)
The problem is, (at least where I live) is the majority of people you come across who are homeless/living in shelters have addiction and mental health problems. (also something I'm no stranger to.)
Despite the fact that I am empathetic, my sympathy only can extend so far, because many of these people are living like this because they just refuse to get clean and sober. (This is an entirely different topic, and a complex one, but it's relevant to a degree with what I'm talking about.)
Over the course of 10 years I was chronically homeless and battled an addiction to alcohol and cocaine. In terms of help from family/friends, I had zero help, and I am the type of person who doesn't like to ask for help. When I would starve, I would starve.. and that was that. I managed to get my shit together with addiction 3 years ago, and today my life is much better as a result.
I did receive some help from the VA, and am fortunate to have living assistance, which I am very grateful for, but I'm digressing a bit here.
When I met the new tenant, before he even introduced himself he asked me if I had a smoke I could spare..
Now this isn't really crossing a boundary (even though I don't like people asking me for smokes.) but it was an indicator that he is a very different person than I, and likely would later cross a boundary.. (which he did within an hour.)
The Hint.. "Yeah, here ya go, but that is the best I can do for now."
If someone says this to me, I hear:
"I really don't want to give you this cig, but I'm being generous so don't ask me again..."
The difference is I won't ask someone for a smoke, so I would never hear these words spoken to me. 😂
I promise you that 90% of people who will bum a smoke will not catch the hint.. I just know from experience. Either that or they just don't care and are looking to take advantage as a leech.
If the past is any indication of the future, my mind will find those indicators.
I instantly started thinking of all the different things I felt someone like this would likely do to cross my boundaries.
One of my boundaries as a introverted hermit is I do not like people knocking on my door if I am not expecting them. For anything..
It crossed my mind that he was going to knock on my door for something, and that worry came to fruition very quickly.
He knocked and asked for a light for a cig, I quickly said:
"Your oven doesn't work?"
He said no.. (which is pretty crazy because someone just moved out of there and the oven worked perfectly fine as far as I knew, but maybe he just didn't want to admit that he didn't utilize common sense? After all, this place is managed with strict code enforcement and it's hard to believe my hard working landlord would rent a place with no working oven.)
I gave the guy a light, and also a handful of matches. My boundary had been crossed, but I had not already laid it out for him, so I could not expect he would know that.
Problem is, I'm not very nice to people when I feel like they are crossing a boundary that I would never cross, and that is why laying out boundaries with certain things is tough for me.
I told him:
"I don't like people knocking on my door for anything, I don't bother other people and I don't want to be bothered. I'm a hermit. Is that understood?"
Yeah, not very nice futuremind..
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Source
He apologized and I told him:
"It's ok man, you didn't know."
Which was genuine despite my irritation.
The point is I didn't feel like it was a nice way to lay down a boundary, and I am trying hard to get better at this.
In fact I already have my mind made up about how I will address him asking me for smokes again. (which is going to happen, I am not futuremind for no reason!)
Here is my line that I have memorized and ready for him if when he asks.
"I'm not giving you a smoke, if I had the money to supply other people with their bad habits I would live in a place where no one could possibly bum a smoke off of me."
That is not a very nice thing to say!
I could simply just say NO.
People are persistent though, and if a reason is forced out of me, I'm afraid I will be even less nice than that about it!
The truth is, I am choking back rage when I feel like my boundaries are being crossed. I really don't know why that is.. and I feel like it isn't normal, but I really just am not much of a people person and don't want to be bothered for things.
(and that's not saying I'm a tight ass who doesn't enjoy helping other people out, but I guess I just want to help people on my own terms and not have people begging me for things.)
Other factors come into play too..
Despite being an anti-social hermit, I really am a very social person with certain types of people (probably other introverts who enjoy very complicated topics like myself) and first impressions are pretty important for me. Asking me for a smoke before you even tell me who you are is not a good first impression at all, and I've already made up my mind about a person when that happens.
The past is not a good indicator of the future, but in terms of probability, certain indicators present themselves of things which could happen in the future.
I've predicted things which later happened in the future (even years later) and have really shocked people to the point of being asked if I have psychic powers or something.
I always tell them no, it's just how my mind works, deduction of variables, playing out scenarios in my mind, remembering when similar situations had similar outcomes, ect.. To me it's just a normal thought process, but I'm learning that obsessing over details and playing scenarios over and over for days (even months/years) at a time isn't very normal.
I'm digressing again and feel like this is post is a little rambly, but I'm rolling with it, because this is some interesting stuff to me.
I'm curious to hear thoughts about boundaries, because I am the opposite of an expert on this topic, but it is one we could go deep on. Like:
- What factors does PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) play with setting boundaries? (and/or a plethora of different mental health disorders.)
- Why are some people comfortable (if not dependent) with asking people for things, and why are some people the complete opposite?
- What factors does introversion vs extroversion play with setting healthy boundaries?
- What factors does personality types play with setting boundaries? I'm an INFJ.
I'll bet an entire book could be written on this topic. (and probably already has been.)
Does anyone else struggle with boundaries? Do you think I'm a bit extreme when it comes to my boundaries?
I'm really curious to hear some thoughts, and advice is welcome, personal stories, any thoughts are welcome, right below in the comment section!
I really enjoy being a Steem hermit, can anyone else relate? 🤪
Much love,
@futuremind
Posted with eSteem Surfer
Great post. I definitely have no problem having and exercising boundaries and look to tiny behaviors that clue in which people I come across will test me. I’m sensitive to the clues and they sound my alarms loudly that I’m planning exit plans and admonishing dialogue once someone hits my warning system by presumptuous behaviors.
Being an introvert (INTJ), I guard my world and energy perhaps more than an extrovert who feels charged by any energy they can feed on. I avoid vampires and banish them after I’ve given enough hints and given the blunt talk. It’s been amazing the stamina some have to test boundaries. I have great patience for many things but I draw the line on people who lead with greed and an appetite for other people’s energy. I’m “terrible” to those that find themselves at the edge of a long table and respected and loved by those that honor and understand me. I’m an Introvert with a capital I. 😬
Follow your instinct. If you feel drained from interacting with someone, defend your boundaries or run. A true friend will respect and defend your boundaries not test them.
J
Posted using Partiko iOS
Hi @jnetsworld,
It seems there are quite a few INFJ's and INTJ's on Steem, and those account for some of the rarest personalities. Just an observation I've made over the past couple of years. Pretty interesting.
It's not that I have a problem laying down boundaries, it's that I suck at doing it in a nice way, and some people are very confrontational. I don't react well to physical threats and have encumbered legal issues in the past for defending myself, so, I want to avoid that at all costs.
Absolutely the same for me. I call them "indicators". I pick up on those indicators very easily, and not much thought process is involved. Intuition kicks in (logical or not) and I become very cautious. I will try to distance myself, and when they continually push, the asshole in me comes out in the form of (not so nicely) laying out my boundaries.
People are generally in shock when they see that side of me, they thought I was a sucker and didn't expect me to call them out on their bullshit. I would call it mistaking kindness for weakness. So many people just want to exploit and take advantage of others.
YES! I call them vampires too! lol.
Yes, introverts are notably drained from social interaction, whereas the extroverts charge from it. Pretty wild stuff.
Thank you for the very thoughtful comment my friend 🙂
@tipu curate
!shop
Posted using Partiko Android
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Solid read @futuremind
I found idea of privacy and boundaries to be shaped so very differently depending on part of the world we're living in.
Europeans see things so differently from Asians (chinese in particular) and it may confuse people every now and then.
Solid upvote on the way:)
Piotr
I think you are correct Piotr,
I also think in any given region there are "pockets" of areas where it's different.
For example,
I live in New York , in a small congested city.
(Most of NY is wilderness and farmland, but most think it's just city.)
What I've noticed is those who live in more suburban areas are more privacy oriented and respect boundaries better.
The opposite can be said for the urban areas.
Thank you for the kind words and support!
Cheers,
Jake
Hi Jake. I would think that if a person can ask a total stranger for a smoke, he either has no qualms about crossing boundaries, or he doesn't know the meaning of boundaries. I would be too proud and embarrassed to ask somebody for a smoke, no matter how much I needed it. 😊
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Thank you for stopping by Vince :)
My pleasure, Jake. I hope you are feeling better. 😊
Yes, I'm feeling better today! 😊
👍 😊