Episode 1
Scene 1 – Inside a small comedy club called “Five Tomatoes”, a small crowd of 100 people are watching an open mic comedy show. One of the servers at the club, Tot Wright, is talking to his friend and open mic participant Sheira Belle at a corner table. The wannabe comedian on stage is getting some boos.
Tot Wright: Tough crowd. You’re up next.
Sheira Belle: I’ve dealt with worse.
Tot Wright: Don’t look now, but did you see who’s sitting all incognito on the back wall?
Sheira Belle: Why do people always say not to look, when they know everyone always looks? Anyway, who is it?
Boos increase. Stage performer sweats, flushes tomato red, drops mic, steps off stage.
Tot: Chris Ducker!
Sheira: The guy from the movies “Saturday” and “Rush Time”?
Tot: Yep! Don’t get nervous! Good luck!
Sheira (frowns): Great friend…..
The event host announces the next open mic performer…..
Host: Now, welcome to the stage, Sheira Belle!
Crowd gives mix of drunken murmurs and unenthusiastic claps. Sheira hops on stage and scans the crowd with a beaming smirk.
Sheira: Hey everyone! I have great news! I’ve decided that I’m allowed to rob you! Is everyone good with that?
Random chuckles from crowd. A few people mumble “NO”.
Sheira: No, you’re not? That’s ok, cuz those people over there (points to comedy club staff members lounging in the corner) put some words on paper (holds up paper) and called it a “constitution” for the comedy club “republic”! And this piece of paper gives me permission to rob you! Are you good with it now?
Chuckles, murmurs and robbles from the crowd, along with some people saying “NO”. A couple people start scratching their heads.
Sheira: No? Why not? I promise to make pot-hole filled roads and give you the slowest mail delivery possible! How about now?
Guffaws ensue. More people say “NO”.
Sheira (holds up shiny “Special Agent” badge with a five-pointed star): Well, not only do I have permission from those people over there and this piece of paper, but now I have this magic badge! Now you must obey me! I’m allowed to rob you! How about now?
More people shake their heads, but also more people laugh and scratch their heads, thoughts passing through their minds that have never occurred before.
Sheira (grinning ear-to-ear): Come on! I have this magic badge! And I’ll stop you on the road and extort you for your protection, and hire people in uniforms to murder on the other side of the world, for your protection, and force you to take “vaccines”, for your protection! (pauses for dramatic effect) Still no? Ok, well, keep paying your “taxes” (does air quotes) and voting and see where it gets ya! Good luck, you’re gonna need it! (laughs over-dramatically) Good night!
Crowd gives mix of cheers, laughs, and confused grunts. Sheira steps off stage as the show ends. Tot Wright greets her enthusiastically.
Tot: You nailed it!
Sheira: Whew! That felt great!
Tot: You’re not gonna believe this, but during your set Chris Ducker asked to speak with you!
Sheira (stunned): Why?
Tot: He liked your set, I guess. Remember, he was robbed by the IRS a few years ago for “tax evasion”. They stole millions from him. Come with me and say hi!
They approach Chris Ducker’s table. He’s alone, wearing a fedora and sunglasses, and sipping from a snifter. He extends a hand and shakes with Sheira.
Chris: Great stuff. Very original!
Sheira: Thanks, Mr. Ducker.
People start filing past to leave the club.
Chris: You’ve done this before?
Sheira: On and off for a couple of years.
Chris: You always go last?
Sheira: They make me go last.
Chris: Figures. I was talkin to your boy here. (nods at Tot Wright) Says you’re a techie.
Sheira: Vague and unflattering, but yes. Freelance tech work is one of my skills.
Chris: Do you practice what you preach?
Sheira: What do ya mean?
Chris: You don’t pay taxes? I mean, you talk the talk on stage, but….
Sheira: Yeah, I do a pretty good job at dodging extortion. More than I can say for my friend here. (nods at Tot)
Tot (offended): Hey, I’m working on it! (shrugs) But yeah, my paycheck gets robbed before I ever get my hands on it.
Chris: So, Sheira Belle, do you think it would be possible for me to do a show and get all my money? Ya know, underground? Incognito?
Sheira: You mean without being extorted? Sure, I guess….but….
Chris: Can you do it or not?
Sheira: Yes.
Chris: Ok, let’s talk. Tomorrow. I’ll pick you up here at 4:20. Cool?
Tot clears his throat loudly.
Sheira: Tot can definitely help. We go way back.
Chris: Ok, see ya’ll tomorrow.
Chris tips his hat, hands Tot a hundred dollar tip, and leaves.
Sheira and Tot stare at each other in befuddlement.
Tot: Did that just happen?
Sheira: Um, I’m not really sure what happened. I think Chris Ducker wants us to help him do an underground comedy show!
Tot: How the fuck are we gonna do that?!
Sheira (giggling): I dunno, but we’re gonna figure it out.
Tot: Should we call Roobix?
Sheira: Of course we should call Roobix.
Tot: And Ray O. Paz?
Sheira: And Ray O. Paz.
A nasal male voice yells from the background.
Voice: Get your sidework done, Tot! Stop slackin!
Tot: Shutup, Brandon!
Brendon: That’s Brendon with an “E”, ya old chump!
Scene 2
An hour later at Tot’s small, overpriced apartment, Sheira and Tot are meeting to discuss possibilities for Chris Ducker’s underground comedy show.
Sheira (peering around at the shoebox-sized apartment): You really gotta get out of the servile society.
Tot: Soon, and this Chris Ducker thing might be the ticket. (looks at phone on counter top) Hey, Roobix just showed up in the Jitsi app chat room.
Sheira allows Roobix entry into the encrypted chat room.
Sheira: No video, Roobix?
Roobix: Nope, I’m multitasking.
Tot: Why didn’t you just come over? You live close.
Roobix: Cuz I’m multitasking. So what’s so urgent? Did Tot finally sell one of his novels?
Tot: Even more stunning, if you can believe that. Sheira, shouldn’t we wait for Ray?
Sheira (looking at another phone): Just got a message from Ray on my Ghost Phone. He said he can’t make it tonight, but we’ll talk tomorrow.
Tot: What could be more urgent than our news?
Sheira: I dunno. He said something about a tough day on the homestead. Chickens gone wild, or something. Anyway, Roobix, you still have one of your old warehouses empty?
Roobix (skeptical): Maybe...why?
Tot: We need a venue.
Roobix: What for? Your ten followers on social media gonna have a party?
Tot: Chris Ducker came to the comedy club tonight. Long story short, he wants us to help organize an underground comedy show. Extortion-free, more freedom, ya know how we roll.
Roobix: What have you two been drinking?
Sheira: Cold pressed juice.
Roobix: Smoking?
Tot: Not for years, but you know that.
Roobix: Chris Ducker. The “You got knocked the fuck out!” guy from the movie “Saturday”?
Sheira: The one and only.
Roobix: This isn’t a funny joke.
Sheira: Not a joke. You wanna meet him tomorrow? He’s picking us up at 4:20.
Roobix: Sure, call me tomorrow when you’re with Chris Ducker, at 4:20. Sure….
Sheira: But for now, can we talk details?
Roobix: How about we talk details when I actually see Chris Ducker? Until then, I’ve got more important things to do.
Tot: Like what?
Roobix: Work on my aquaculture business. Ya know, being an entrepreneur. Taking more freedom. See ya’ll tomorrow.
Click.
Call ends.
Tot: I think that went well.
Sheira: It’s a start.
Scene 3
The next day, Tot and Sheira are waiting for Chris Ducker outside “5 Tomatoes” Comedy Club.
Tot: Ok, it’s 4:20. Do you see him?
Sheira (scanning the horizon): Is that him? (points to car coming their way)
Tot: What? The Toyota Camry?
Sheira: I’m pretty sure it’s him. The government gang probably stole any fancy cars he had.
Tot: I’ll ask.
Sheira (cringing): Please don’t.
Camry pulls up and Ducker waves, they get in.
Tot: Nice ride.
Sheira does facepalm.
Chris Ducker: Is that sarcasm?
Tot: Just a solid, sensible car.
Sheira: Please stop talking.
Ducker sighs.
Ducker: The IRS stole my Bentley. Anyway, where are we going? This is your town, not mine.
Ducker slams on brakes
Ducker: What the hell? Is that a duck crossing the road?
Tot: While we wait, I’ll take the opportunity to ask some questions. So you want to do a comedy show where you keep all the profits from ticket sales, is that right?
Ducker (waiting impatiently for duck to cross): That’s the idea.
Tot: Do you have a venue?
Ducker: That’s one thing I need from ya’ll.
Sheira: I’ll call Roobix.
Scene 4
20 minutes later at a warehouse in the industrial area, Chris Ducker, Sheira Belle, and Tot Wright are meeting Roobix. Roobix is an entrepreneur in his mid 30s. He dresses like a farmer but has a computer geek’s body.
Ducker (skeptical as Roobix approaches): Is that the guy?
Tot: That’s the guy.
Ducker: He’s gonna help me move past the Camry?
Sheira: You be the judge.
Roobix (dumbfounded): You guys weren’t kidding! It really is Chris Ducker! (grabs Ducker’s hand and shakes over-enthusiastically) This is so exciting!
Ducker (sarcastic): I feel the same way. Roobix, in the flesh! So this is your spot?
Roobix: Yes! But can I ask you a question about the movie “Saturday”?…..
Sheira: Not now, Roobix! He gets that all the time!
Roobix (frowning): Oh, all right. Yeah, this is one of my warehouses. Let’s go in!
He taps a button on his Ghost Phone and two large metal doors quickly slide open.
Ducker: It’s empty. Big, and empty.
Tot: It’s a warehouse, what did ya expect?
Sheira: We could fit five hundred seats in here, easy. Right, Roobix?
Roobix: Oh yeah, probably more. Can you sell five hundred tickets, Ducker?
Ducker (deep sigh, grimace, eye roll): Man, I’m Chris Ducker! What the fuck you think?
Sheira: Yeah, Roobix, show some respect!
Roobix (shrugs): Well, you haven’t done much of anything in recent years, so I just thought…..
Ducker (narrows eyes): I can sell tickets. (groans) I’ll have my own sound and light crew. Now let’s talk about money. I get all the ticket sales, you three share the concessions.
Sheira: You pay the operating expenses?
Ducker: Sure, that’s fine. I want it detailed and itemized, though. No BS.
Tot: No BS.
Roobix: I want five percent of ticket sales.
Ducker: No deal.
Roobix: No deal?
Ducker: Man, you got famous people beatin’ down your door every day trying to hand you money?
Tot: That’s a valid point, Roobix.
Roobix: Nobody asked you, Tot. (groans, hesitates) Ok, Chris. You keep the ticket sales.
Sheira: How are you gonna sell the tickets? And for what kind of money?
Ducker: Online, for dollars. What country do ya think we in?
Sheira (facepalm): I recommend taking Bitcoin and Bitcoin Cash, preferably through proxy merchants.
Ducker: Please speak English.
Sheira: Basically you’d get paid for tickets with electronic currency, but with accounts not in your name. That way the mafia with fancy titles has a harder time extorting you. I’ll help you.
Ducker: Ok, so are we all in?
Everyone nods except Sheira.
Sheira: One more thing. Can I open for you?
Ducker: You get five minutes.
Sheira smiles and nods.
Ducker: Let’s set a date. I can sell out in 24 hours.
Tot: I think we might need a little more time than that.
Ducker: Two weeks?
Sheira: Let’s do it.
Scene 5
3 days later, Tot Wright, Sheira Belle, and Roobix are having coffee at a sidewalk cafe.
Sheira: Tot, Roobix, I want you both to perform with me at Ducker’s show. I modified one of the sketches we did together a couple years ago, Tot, and added in something for Roobix. Wanna take a look? (holds out tablet reader to Roobix, who takes it reluctantly)
Roobix scans over the script.
Roobix: Why do I have to be the bad guy?
Tot: You’re the bad guy?
Roobix: I don’t even look like a cop!
Sheira: That’s true, but you could pass for an IRS agent.
Tot: Or a bureau rat.
Roobix sighs deeply.
Sheira: Oh, come on. It’ll be fun! And think how many people we can wake up with this skit! I’m opening for Chris Ducker, one of the most successful comedians ever! There are gonna be 500 people there!
Tot: Not to mention the online views afterwards.
Roobix: Oh, all right.
Sheira (excited): Yes! This is gonna be epic! Ok, so another thing I wanted to mention is I heard back from Ray O. Paz yesterday.
Tot: Oh yeah? How’s life at the Veritas homestead?
Sheira: Busy as ever. You know how he is, always working on a dozen projects. So he thinks this comedy show is a huge opportunity.
Roobix: Obvious.
Sheira: But he’s concerned about our security culture. He asked about our plan if the bullies in blue show up.
Tot: We don’t have a plan.
Sheira: That’s his concern. We should probably have one, just in case. He made some good suggestions.
Roobix: Ok, let’s talk.
Sheira: Probably better to have this chat in private. Let’s get to the warehouse.
End Episode 1
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