"The Statists"
Premise:
Shipwreck survivors are stranded on a remote island. They set up “government”. Folly ensues. Two people (anarchists) escape and go to the other side of the island.
Characters:
Statists
“President” - Merv
“Cop” - Cal
“Tax Collector” - Penny
“Indoctrination Specialist” - Cindy
Bob
Skip
Shirley
Ann
Paul (child)
Anarchists
Sparky
Ignatius
Episode 1
Scene 1
A small ship has wrecked on a remote island. The soggy survivors have grouped together in an effort to brainstorm ideas on survival.
Merv: Ok, ok, everyone calm down. We need to figure out how to survive on this rock. What’s the first thing we need to do?
Sparky: We definitely need food, fresh water, and shelter first.
Merv: Yes, but first, we need organization. We have to form a government!
Murmurs of reluctant agreement among the group of survivors.
Ignatius: We definitely do not need an extortion-funded, violent ruling class.
Cal (yelling into megaphone): Hey, don’t interrupt Merv! We need government to survive, so just shutup!
Sparky: Is yelling into a megaphone really necessary? We can hear you just fine.
Cal: Shutup!
Merv: Thank you, Cal.
Skip: Well then, we need a president, and the captain of the ship is the most obvious choice.
Ann (skeptical): Isn’t he the one who shipwrecked us in the first place?
Shirley: Yeah, and I’m pretty sure he’s dead anyway.
Merv: Ok, so I say we take a vote. First off, who wants to be president?
Merv and Cal both raise their hands. Ignatius and Sparky roll their eyes and groan.
Merv: Ok, everyone raise your hand that wants to vote for me.
Bob: Well, I think we need to know a little about you guys, first.
Cindy: We don’t have time for that. The sun is gonna set soon! We’re running out of time!
Merv: Great point, Cindy. Everyone raise your hand that wants to vote for me.
Everyone raises their hands except for Ignatius, Sparky, and Cal. Even Paul, the only child, raises his hand.
Cal: Hey, he can’t vote! He’s only a kid!
Merv: Shutup, Cal. I’m president now, and I say he’s old enough to vote.
Cal grimaces and concedes defeat.
Merv: Hey, you two punks in the back. Were you gonna vote for Cal?
Ignatius: Nope. I refuse to vote.
Merv: What? That’s sacrilegious! My first act as president, I declare you, Cal, as my head of national security.
Cal: Really? Wow!
Merv: Now go force those guys to vote!
Sparky (to Ignatius): This is getting bad. Let’s leave.
Ignatius: Agreed.
Sparky and Ignatius run. Cal, who is a bit chubby, chases them slowly and gives up after two minutes.
Merv: That’s ok, Cal. Those guys won’t survive out their for very long, not without government. Let them go to their slow and painful deaths. Maybe next time just throw some coconuts at them or somethin.
Bob: So what do we do first, Mister President?
Merv: I suppose we should set up a system for tax collection.
Shirley: How are you gonna collect tax when we don’t even have a monetary system yet?
Merv stutters uncertainly and scratches head.
Penny (pointing at Bob, excited): He’s wearing a Rolex! Take that!
Merv: Uh, yeah! That’s a great idea! Thanks Penny! Do you want to be my official tax collector?
Penny: I’d be honored! Bob, give me your Rolex!
Bob: But I don’t wanna give you my Rolex!
Merv: Don’t make me send the head of national security after you!
Cal scowls at Bob, picks up two coconuts. Bob frowns and throws his Rolex in the general direction of Merv.
Cindy: Hey, show some respect to our president! Don’t throw things at him!
Merv: Hey, thanks Cindy. Do you wanna be my official indoctrination specialist?
Cindy: Like, yeah! Who wouldn’t want a super fancy title like that!
Merv: Ok, I declare this government officially formed.
Shirley: So what now, Mister President?
Merv: Don’t rush me! Geez!
Penny: These plans take time. Calm down and enjoy the sunset!
Paul: But I’m hungry!
Cal: Shutup, kid!
Paul (looking at Skip): But dad!
Cal: You’re his dad?
Skip: Yes, sir. I’m sorry for his brutish behavior, officer.
Cal: I’ll let ya slide this time, but I’ve got my eye on you.
Paul makes pouty face.
Merv: I’m getting hungry. You guys should go gather some coconuts. And when I say you guys, I mean all you unemployed, non-government people. How many coconuts should they get, Penny?
Penny: Enough to feed all of us in the government, at least. I’m thinking at least 10 coconuts.
Merv: Ok, cool. Ya’ll hear that? Get us ten coconuts and whatever is leftover you can keep for yourselves!
Paul: Man, you guys suck!
Cal (pointing menacing finger at Paul): Boy, this is your last warning!
Cindy: Maybe we should set up a school for the boy. Teach him some manners.
Merv: That’s a great idea, Cindy. I’m glad I hired you. You wanna be in charge of that?
Cindy: What’s in it for me?
Merv: I’ll have Cal get more stuff for ya.
Cindy: Oh, all right.
Merv: Ok, ya’ll, go get them coconuts! When ya get back we’ll celebrate!
Bob: Celebrate what, Mister President?
Merv: I’m the first president in history to achieve 100 percent employment!
Scene 2
An hour later, on the other side of the island, Ignatius and Sparky have just finished cooking some fish by a campfire.
Ignatius (chewing fish contentedly): Great job on the fishing spears, Sparky.
Sparky: Thanks, Ignatius. Good job on lighting the fire.
Ignatius: Good thing we found that bamboo.
Sparky: Good thing we got away from those statists.
Ignatius: Agreed. I guess we can start building some shelters tomorrow, huh?
Sparky: Yeah, we can get enough bamboo and other raw materials to get it done.
Ignatius: Maybe we should make some defensive weapons, too, in case that goon Cal finds us.
Sparky: Probably a good idea.
Ignatius: How do you think they’re doing on the other side of the island, anyway?
Sparky: They’re probably hoping Cal doesn’t steal all their coconuts.
Scene 3
Back on the statist side of the island, Merv, Cal, Penny, and Cindy have eaten the majority of the coconuts. Everyone else is tired from gathering the coconuts and have flopped down in the sand to try and rest.
Paul (curled up in the fetal position, thinking to himself): Man, everyone here is an idiot! I should have run away with those other two dudes when I had the chance. I bet they got more than one quarter of a coconut for dinner. Maybe tomorrow I can do a little exploring…...
End Episode 1
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