DISCLAIMER - Please forgive typos and not-so cohesive passages.
Well, shit
I meant to write a whole lot in the 2 weeks since I quit drinking and reduced my smoking to next-to-nothing, in preparation for surgery but I blew it. Part of why I've been more or less absent here has everything to do with using RSO. It really has been very difficult to maintain focus long enough to complete any work because the mental haze is so overwhelming. I think it's been especially challenging for me to get anything done because I don't use weed habitually so the high dose I need to take is intense. Even just trying to communicate verbally has (at times) been a bunch of the frustrate because ...forming sentences ...no can do! Just getting my thoughts from the internal to the external (in even sort of cohesive English) is exhausting depending on what time of day it is.
Another issue the RSO is creating is a disconnect on my hand-eye coordination. Trying to work the various software/apps it takes for me to create new material has been wildly annoying. I mean, I've been using these programs for years, so it seems like I should be able to do it on auto-pilot, right? Turns out, no such. I can see the button that needs pushing but I get lost in the middle of the sequence and then sit there stunned for a few seconds before I simply blank out on the next step.
Wait. What was I just working on?
The other part of why I've been so silent these past two weeks is (and I couldn't have predicted this because I didn't know it was a thing til it became a problem) I have a very serious case of forest/trees going on. I thought it would be easy enough to objectively present my experience in an almost journalistic manner. But it turns out, I'm not so great at expressing thoughts and feelings about a frightening circumstance while I'm in the middle of going through it.
Life getting too tricky? Take a nap!
The good news
The 4 month-long wait for surgery is finally over. Tomorrow, I go in realreal early for the operation to remove the mass. I'm a little nervous about it but whenever intrusive, panicky thoughts about being maimed or killed on the table drift in, I dismiss them. I treat them like their not even my thoughts and say out loud, "That's not for me. I'm not entertaining it." Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that of all the things that could go wrong, I have a lot of advantages that will make it easier for me to get through it safely.
It is not always totally possible to keep from falling into a fearful and/or self-pitying state of mind. Most of the time I can think intellectually about the negative emotions and work through them in the moment. But in the few instances when I was unable to cope, I went ahead and permitted the panic run it's course while examining the question, what's the worst possible outcome if this-or-that happens? The answer for me is always, death. While I'm not afraid of dying, I'm not ready for it either. So the best I can do is hope that tomorrow is not my day to die... AND to keep in mind that being so close to a potentially deadly situation magnifies the severe nature of mortality. But it's important to remember that tomorrow is not a given for anyone with or without the risks involved with surgery... or driving a car... or any of the thousands of other things that could kill you. I find embracing a little morbidity helps to put things back into perspective.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say one more time, to those of you who have been with me through this, thank you! Your friendship has been my compass. I love you guys and am optimistic about the path we're on together. It's been a lot of fun building our connections and I look forward to a lot more of it.
For anyone out there who's going through something similar, I just want you to know that regardless of the outcome, everything is going to be okay. Your own tenacity will propel you though the worst of it. It's up to you to be your own loudest cheerleader. I'm hoping that the little bit I did get to share with you through these few posts will be helpful in some way- even if it's just to make you laugh a little.
Part 1
Part 2
ǝɹǝɥ sɐʍ ɹoʇɐɹnƆ pɐW ǝɥ┴
Neat trick. What do you do for an encore?
Dude I have tears in my eyes, you are doing incredible with your case of forest/trees. Thank you for letting us be such a big part of your life I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be to write down everything so vulnerably, and HAF on RSO to boot! The coordination that would take! You are AMAZING in every way. A fucking rock star of epic proportions.
Our #SteemFAM will be hodling you in our hearts tomorrow. Looking forward to the good werd!
Tomorrow's the day. I know how you've been looking forward to this and yet dreading it all in the same breath. To remove this part of you that doesn't belong, how that must be such a relief. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and I want you to know that I will be thinking about you tomorrow as you step into the unknown. Prayers also go out for the hands of a gifted surgeon and in case you think I am some religious nut, I can assure you that I am no Holy Roller, but for some reason I have been touched by you and I can't help myself right now.
So breathe and then Breathe Again and hopefully this will be behind you in the blink of an eye. And then I can really get to know you better.
Much love, good vibes and all the positive energy available.
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What a great comment. Well done.
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So glad to hear this news! It was the first thing that popped up when I got on tonight. This news trumps everything else I have heard today.
My hope is for a comfortable rest and a peaceful heart.
Thank you for the news!
I hope All is well condidering after the tree forest surgery. Sending strenght from Holland
Gr.
Britt
You're showing and have shown incredible strength. Will be thinking of you and expect an update ASAP. I allow permission yo use the following image in your next post.
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It is hard and I understand and have the same problems with speech and just keeping some king of thought process.
Just do what you can. And keep doing it.
My prays, support and best wishes are with you.
It’s a big step and you will get through it being stronger for it.
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Nice to here. Great news !!!!!!
Thank you for the update
That's some deep level emotional management that I can't even start to begin to understand.
Sending you lots of positive vibes and I am really really looking forward to your next post, we are not done with you yet!
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Amazing! So glad to hear that :))
Thanks for the update @lyndsaybowes
You can do it!
I kind of have to now.
It sounds like you're on the right track! Sorry you're having to go through this, but hopefully you'll tolerate the procedure and recovery well, and then start really getting back on track. The RSO fog is real... but it does get better! Best wishes :)
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Great to hear that! Thanks :D
I have always known you to be very strong. I'm simply looking forward to your testimony. I got you in my mind and prayers. Stay strong!
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Thank you very much. I am happy to read this, my day is made🙏💯
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You will make it through this. We love you.. you are way stronger than you may believe! That's why we are here with you.
Funny as you were saying about the fears of the surgery tomorrow, I was saying in my head just what you followed up with. It is scary, but we also never really know every time we get in a car... It could be our time then.
Well it is painfully obvious that I don't know what to say other than I will be thinking about you tomorrow and sending you well wishes...
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Yay thank you!
FEAR IS ONLY an influence... of what the corporations want us to be :)
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thanks.
🎁 Hi @kerrywolf! You have received 0.2 STEEM tip from @dswigle!
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Thank you for putting this experience in writing. It is raw, and human. Just like all of us.
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