As mentioned before, I am taking a long hiatus in art just cos I wasn't feeling well. xD The last time I made a drawing regularly was at the end of 2021. And then I only made works occasionally. The usual pace of me creating was gone and I found myself coping in some other ways.
My coping mechanism for my PTSD is music and art - music being the main thing cos I can listen to something over and over again and it allowed me to feel things. As a result of that, I create art and also look at art by different artists and it made me express things that I needed to and it makes me feel better and keep me sane to say the least.
Shopping spree
Since I stopped making art at the end of 2021, I found myself having a massive burnout and then I felt numb and didn't want to do any art or anything in general anymore. Without doing those things, my mental health slowly declined and I've been feeling depressed more and more. It manifested in me having a lot of vivid dreams and sleep paralysis which was fine by me cos it was fun lol but it really drained my physical body waking up. My mind was desperate with looking for some other coping mechanisms, so I turned into online shopping.
If you scroll at my posts starting at the end of 2021, you can see that I bought a shit ton of things. Gadgets, clothes, some nfts, beauty products, art materials, random accessories... stuff like that. In my mind I was investing in myself and just enjoying my profits - things I haven't done before since I didn't have money lol. Which is also true, but looking at it now I kinda realized I just wasted a lot of money cos those things are either not being used often or just ended up in the closet. I didn't want to admit it but I turned into a short-term pleasure-seeking habit as my coping mechanism.
Well obviously I didn't tell anyone. xD I only posted some of the post-worthy stuff. But the rest can be seen around the house. I only realized I had a shopping problem when we moved to a new house and most stuff won't fit in the container anymore. Oops.
Because of all these, It worsen my artist's block since I can't regulate my emotions properly.
Looking for professionals
It only got worse from then. I was already at a point when I was looking at psychiatrists nearby and just finally considering taking medications. I didn't want to take medicines before as it also has a negative psychological effect on me (the act of taking itself) and also cos I want to try other options first. I did a lot of research about artists taking medications specifically for PTSD but I found out it can be really hard at first with the side effects and it would be a big adjustment looking for a suitable medication for each person. It sounds exhausting. I wanted help but at the same time I don't want it, you know? XD
I also read in some that it gave them a creative block since they can't feel anymore. Others are actually just doing fine with it but honestly I don't know at the moment. I wanted to feel better to start working again but with medications it sounds hard to do and would take at least a few months for the body and mind to adjust.
Then I looked for therapies nearby and it is also exhausting to think about. The last time I had therapy was when I was in college and it was literally mentally draining considering I had to do therapy homework as well. I was looking forward to actually talking to a professional but doing homeworks? Mm-mm I didn't want that. lol
Music
For whatever reason, I listened to some "sad" music that I used to listen to. I started to feel again, and visualize some things, and then bingo, I found what was missing.
I stopped listening to "depressing" music because well it made me sad. XDD I wanted to be happy and live like other "normal" people. I was doing my nails, studying on how to dress nicely, reading on some self care stuff, and I started listening to popular music.
Well it made me happy for a while and forget that I actually have PTSD, which was the problem lol. I was suppressing myself and it manifested heavily on dreams and my day-to-day behavior. The reason why I'm able to function for a long time without being diagnosed until I was about 19 was because I had music and art by my side. I never really got into medications and therapy long term but I was "okay" and functioning mainly because I wasn't trying to suppress any of my feelings.
So now I have figured out what the problem was, I can feel myself going back to my usual creative mind and also have less bad dreams now. Oh and I'm also doing art finally. Not just drawing studies but actual art that I can mint or something.
So yeah, I probably would be needing help at some point in my life and probably medications as well but at the moment it feels like I don't need it yet. I even forgot I was looking for psychiatrists the last few weeks cos I was already feeling a bit better. xD
I need to fix some habits I developed in the past year first. Like wasting time doing nothing, buying shit I don't need online, maybe throwing or giving away stuff that I don't need as well...
I think I'm kinda done learning new things at the moment and finally use those knowledge and apply it on my work. There's so much tool-upgrades that I did for my art (my very powerful macbook, camera and lenses, pen display, and better trad art materials) that I just need to utilize them.
I'm also thankful for @acidyo's support since whatever I do he's always just there to back me up. He's been putting up with me as well and he's also the one who reminds me I sleep too much. xD Considering there's a lot of things I don't do much, my sleep is his only complaint.
To end the post, here's my favorite song from Metallica and I think it's obvious why :P
It helps a lot to be aware of what is happening, so I learned. When you are denying a depression or other mental issues, I have learned you get sucked in much easier and deeper than when you are opening your eyes and at least acknowledging that this is not going the right way..
Since I know the signs my darker days are usually just days and take me a few of these days to snap out of it again instead of getting sucked into it for months like in the past.
I also can't deny having PTSD, but I also never took therapy for it, and I recognize the behavior of periods where I listen to depressing music or music that makes me get back in time (partially, not all the way) as it feels that this helps me trigger something just enough to not get sucked into too bad but unlock the feelings to get things moving again, either by writing or creating things.
Good to read @acidyo is by your side, I would not know how to get through shit times without my partner, who puts up with me even through these cycles that I go through .. you probably know well what I mean :) haha
At least we know it ourselves too, that's progress!
Take care, and keep creating art, you are good at it :)
Exactly this! Like we feel sad temporarily but actually feels better afterwards. Sometimes I have episodes when I just cry and let it all out cos I got triggered too much but realized it's good for me. This doesn't work for everyone and other people need to take therapy and medications but it is okay. I don't like people who make these people feel bad cos they think it's a "shortcut" and you just have to go through your day-to-day life without them but ugh living shouldn't be a struggle. Whether they think it's a shortcut or not it doesn't matter cos why even prolong your suffering when there are ways to help you manage it you know.
It's good to hear I'm not the only one feeling this. Good to know too that you're aware of it and can prevent some other stuff to happen as well. You're surviving and thriving! :D
Beautiful
Haha, I knew you'd understand. I was close to getting into therapy before we left Holland but then we made a bold last minute move and left. For me, getting out of the situation and environment was the absolute most important thing. Without that, staying there, even with tons of therapy, I would have never been able to heal at all.
I cried for years, with extreme emotional outbursts first, as the pain needed to get less heavy, but writing has helped me get through that better than any antidepressant. I had them, some years ago, but they were not my go to. I also saw how they can be extremely bad om someone's mood if they are not the right type and now I refrain from any prescription meds unless I absolutely need to. Such as these for my blood pressure (was dangerously high for a while).
These temporarily moments of sadness, pain, anger etc, sometimes make me go back in time to the point where I have flashbacks, but yet I still sometimes choose to get to that point as it seems I feel that it's needed to get out of some sort of mental block, if that makes sense :)
There's no right or wrong in my opinion to get over these things, everyone walks their own path, in their own shoes, and I only encourage people to try out writing, creating art to help themselves heal (if only a bit) as I think many of us lost their creative soul in hard times. I know I did. When I was young I was always creating things, doodling, drawing, painting etc.. I was super creative.. When the trauma years were there, I did none of these things. I only realized years after getting out of there, that I lost that part of me, I didn't allow it to be there. When I welcomed it back, I started to feel better... sometimes we need a reminder..
<3
It's just amazing of how can music, arts or even reading books can make anyone feel a little better. Like to me, listening to music is my only escape from all of my negative thoughts if ever bigla akong malungkot ba ng wala namang dahilan. It will just came to me and it will really wreck havock in my brain. Food thing music exist.
I'm glad you were able to function well again thanks to arts ❤️. I hope you get better and better everyday.
I hope my comments are not out of place and I know we dont know each other but I just want to tell you my expirience, I have seen some of your old posts since I got interested the first time I saw your account, you have a photo with a paint on your pin post, I like the paint so look up some of your prev post, I like a colab you did with someone online about a portrait of your, anyways I wonder why you were not doing art anymore, now I know and totally understand, I have been on the same place and its shitty to be like that plus frustrating, during covid I got into bad bad debt and Im the only one that work at home, my wife doesnt because she take care of the kids, its her choice and we agree to it, I develop lots of bad habits, sleeping disorder, drink beer, smoke (not at home) and felt I was going nowhere for the past two years since I was basically working to cover dept, it may sound easy to get out of this state but I know its not, Im someone who believes most things in this world have an scientific explanation so I start to investigate how the brain works the basics since I already have a sleeping desorder so lets exploit it, then I found a Yt channel Humberman Labs a neurologist who explain the scientific reason why we feel things, how to avoid triggers, basically why you feel what ever we feel atm, also gave excercises to control triggers so I started doing them and accept what I was doing wrong, that help me a lot plus chaging my diet Im on cero carbs for ever not going back, start running again that keeps me energetic and free my mind for the 1 to 2 hours I run depending on the day but Im still fighting beer, stop drinking now have more control of my sleep, btw I forgot that I have a sever case of tinitus on my left ear, I tell you all this because I know what you may feel not exactly since Im not inside your head, every brain is a different universe but I have a good idea, it takes effort its not easy but you will do great again...I also use to have stressful dreams that turn into nightmares, blood, kidnap, witches
I think people get trapped into listening to 'sad' music on repeat when suffering because at least they feel 'something' even if it's sadness. That's often better than the numbness. As for online shopping....you and my bloody wife!!!....seriously though, before it was so easy and online, shopping can again be, a temporary high to ease the feelings of depression.
You seem to know yourself so well though and that's got to be a huge positive, as is having someone close who's got your back.
Do whatever you know inside you need to do to be well.
As for me, I miss your art. The art on Hive gets a bit bland at times.
Hive needs huge cunts on walls...
Be healthy, happy and together the pair of you :-)
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