Left of grief

in #healthlast month

My wife dropped by for an hour, as she wanted to talk to someone about what has been happening and what will happen. She didn't bring our daughter tonight, though I would have liked to have seen her.

The doctor wasn't available, so the nurse gave her a rundown of why things are changing with my treatment and how things are going forward at this point.


While I was getting ready to go to the cafe (I am no longer allowed to walk and had to be in a wheelchair), the nurse mentioned several times to my wife that she needs to give me space to grieve, in order to come to terms with the life I am leaving behind, especially since it is unlikely I will return quite to where I was prior and it is likely that a lot of my edge will remain dull, even with effort in rehab.

My wife was a bit disappointed in what was being said, as she prefers to take the positive approach that I will recover, but I don't think it is about that, as much as the process to help accept reality and then move on.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

These are the five commonly cited stages of grief and I guess they make sense if applied to my life that was. While it is early days, I suspect that I am still in the first stage, as I believe I will be okay.

Now, there is nothing wrong with the belief, but I think the grieving process is handy. What I mean is that while the goal is "acceptance", it can also be framed as detachment. This is an important part of moving forward, because if we are attached to our past and have an expectation about what our future holds, we can miss vital turning point or end up beating ourselves against an impossible wall.

Detachment isn't about resignation, it is about understanding the dynamics of flux and recalibrating to align to what is possible now, not what is possible under ideal conditions. Circumstances change and if we aren't prepared to drop what we know in order to pick up what we need, we can end up struggling unnecessarily.

Some people think that "fighting" is noble, without recognising that stubbornness is not a positive trait. There is a difference between dedication and tenacity, and an unwillingness to change. People tend to value holding their ground, even if it is detrimental.

One thing that I do disagree with that is often focused upon in grief, are the feelings themselves. A lot of people I have met seem to get caught in the state of the feeling, rather than the processes of it, and I think it slows them down on their journey drastically. It is easy to forget that we can progress through active steps, despite the way we feel, rather than waiting for optimal points, as feelings are very rarely ever going to feel "right" when dealing heavily in the negatives of life. But, they can feel right to the point that we dwell and sink into them, getting stuck in the rut, caught in the slump, no longer with the momentum to take small steps into the next stages.

I dont know how I am going to approach my rehab and I don't think grieving my past is the answer, but I do see some potential benefits in taking my time to think about San approach and developing a training plan for myself. It might not be what many would do, but part of knowing myself under many conditions is that I have a fair idea about how I will react to circumstances. This gives me a rough path forward, based on my own experience, with the leeway to consider and include new techniques to help me move more effectively.

I was reading about recoveries after mild strokes and how many have thought it is quite easily done, with little formal effort. However, what they are discovering is that while daily activity returns fast and a lot of people get in with their lives, they are actually missing sole of the complex processes, because they didn't stress test well enough to dive deep into themselves. This leaves them struggling in ways they hadn't even considered.

I dont yet know all the things that have been affected in me, but I assume that while there are some obvious points, there are many more that lay beneath the surface. I plan on uncovering them to see if I can improve them, rather than find out when there is little left to be done.

I am not going to grieve all I was, but I can pre-grieve, just in case I will never resemble that person again. Who I become might not be as greater loss, as it is a net gain. Time will tell.

[ Gen1: Hive ]


It's not going to be easy but you'll get it done like you've done before.

I'm pretty lazy at consuming content on Hive let alone engagement, but I've been reading your unfortunate incident these few days with with complicated emotions. I mean I don't personally know you but reading how you reveal and deal with all this crap, and share your feelings on the present and future, seems to have bought everyone in this world closer.

Practically, we all know that what anyone says on Hive won't help you physically, but I'm sure you can feel that everyone is rooting for you, and psychological hopefully that will help. Take care and all the best.

Hopefully it isn't all a downer and people get some value out of it in various ways.

I have always kept the approach of being relatively open with my life and thoughts, no matter the topic. I believe it makes it more useful and valuable, plus of the worst does happen to me, my daughter has part of me frozen in time.

It does help to have people "here" with me along the path and perhaps it will be another little block in the community wall.

Thanks for dropping by :)

@tarazkp, I didn't realize... I am sorry for your health problems. In some way or another, I am hoping you will find that we are rooting for you.
Take care!

I am glad not everyone will go through this, but hopefully it brings some value.

Thanks for dropping a line!

I am sorry to hear your health problem..

Life is. Some things can't be avoided, so have to be faced.

Right. Health is the most precious in the life. We understand its value having lost it.

Damn, this shouldn’t be happening to someone so young.

I hope your rehab goes well. There will be uneven ups and downs of course, but with a lot of work and a little luck, an upward trajectory.

I wasn't expecting anything like this anytime soon, but the world had other plans.

There will definitely be ups and downs, but these posts are part of my preliminary plans to approach it and hopefully, it will get me in the right mindset to tackle what needs to be done.

I think you have a pretty good idea of what lays ahead.

For some is easier and for some is hard, my dad managed to recover to various degrees after 7 (or 8) strokes, but then his main problem was that slowly slowly he would restart the behaviour leading to stroke, having it and recover again. Until one day didn't work at all. A bit of himself was lost every time. The idea is, you can almost fully recover, it is possible.

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Another reminder that everything here is temporary, one's health and life included. I also try to deal with this, even though mostly theoretically (yet). Seeing how you're dealing with recent events with such a dignity really fills me with an admiration for you. I am glad to be reading you and hope I'll be able to do so for many years to come! Take care of yourself and get some rest! My best wishes to you :)

Dude! I somehow missed your posts talking about your latest health misadventures. I'm sorry this has happened to you...

I'm so glad you've already well into the habit of writing to Hive and journaling through what I imagine are going to be some pretty complex emotions and struggles. I definitely like the idea of trying to uncover all the potential limitations and areas of weakness/opportunity to see what needs to be worked on.

In the case of the written word, the loss of edge might not be too big an issue as you'll have time to consider and check before you press those send and submit buttons... and I'm sure everyone else will be understanding. I'm also sure you'll find ways to turn any limitations into a focus of an area of strength. I was watching American Ninja Warrior last night, and one of the amazing new youngsters seems to be so strong because he was born with cerebral palsy and has had a rigorous daily stretching routine... he shouldn't be stronger than everyone else, but that habit has made him stronger than everyone else in this particular arena.

Take it slow and...I know you know how to make small steps and wait when wait is needed. Someitmes one should just wait for a while. I believe you'll do mentally fine and that will eventually help physical stuff. No rush, please. You of all people know how to be...incremental.

Wishing you and your family as well as can be.

stubbornness is not a positive trait

Oof, burn XD

then again I usually self-describe as unreasonably/irrationally stubborn and that pride will probably kill me one day

It is entirely possible to assume/work towards you making a full recovery (think positive blah blah blah it might actually get you there) while accepting the fact that you might not

Honestly while it might piss you off I can't actually see it slowing you down too much, I envision you're going to be that 80something year old codger who is absolutely going up the ladder to clean the gutters because that's what you've always done while your daughter is despairing XD

Perhaps something like

Who are the many, people who have never had strokes before? I don't think the friend I was telling you about found the recovery process particularly easy especially at the beginning (though she said she apparently managed to recover faster than expected so she had that going for her).

Wish you a speedy recovery mate!

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Sad to hear about your health problems. I hope that you will get better.

All I can say is from your writing voice, you sound as sharp as ever to me. I've only been reading your posts for a few months but it still feels like you're coming from the same place of intelligence and awareness as ever. Wishing the best for your recovery mate

Taraz, we never met. But I have always considered you a brother, and I do not say this lightly. I didn't comment on your posts earlier for two reasons, first, I had to process this unfortunate event myself, and second, I am unsure that me writing here and then you writing a reply is a stress for you or not.

Being a dad with two daughters myself, I am thinking about smallsteps. What I have seen that kids are highly resilient, as long as you treat them like an adult.

As opposed to worrying about your condition, I plan to send the happy thoughts in future. Hope you feel better Taraz.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am certain though that you will kick ass with your recovery and you already are since your writing is as great as always despite the struggles you are experiencing. Your brain is one hell of a machine and no stroke or anything will slow it down from expressing the thought you want to express. Everything else will follow.

I expect you to get out of there soon and be ok forever! I am serious! Should I get on a plane and go kick your ass? You know I say this out of love, but no matter how things go, what adjustments you might be faced with, to me you are all the same, Taraz, the brilliant word machine, the best dad, my friend, explorer of everything human! I know you will be better soon. It will happen. It has to.


I’m sorry for what you have to go through, but glad that you are willing to share your thoughts about it with us. I feel privileged to be able to read this.

I am rooting for you and quite relieved to see you writing usual wonderfully thoughtful posts. You have got the support of the entire Hive community behind you.

I've gone through your previous posts and the comments on this one, and I don't see where you have shared the beginning of this story with us! I was hoping it was fictional, that you'd gone into blogging creative writing instead of your usual deep thoughts, but no. You have had a mild stroke and are in the hospital, with treatments still in flux, which suggests your condition is somewhat unstable, and with lots of rehab ahead of you. Have I got that right?

I know you as someone very dynamic, able to get stuff done and still find time to blog extensively.

Your mind is still very sharp, that's obvious, and excellent. Your attitude could not be better: practical and determined. You've got this if anyone does.

I was once a wife of a very ill husband. The feelings are enormous, and the challenges seem impossible to meet.

I wish you all a speedy return to stability, safety and joy.

There is so much value in these words you are writing. I feel like you are still in the game and I can see you winning this game.

Prayers for you and the family. Smallsteps is so lucky to have a dad like you. ❤️

Some people think that "fighting" is noble, without recognising that stubbornness is not a positive trait. There is a difference between dedication and tenacity, and an unwillingness to change. People tend to value holding their ground, even if it is detrimental.

Yikes, OK that is direct hit, to the point, hammered home!

One day at a time, with Small Steps waiting and your lovely wife, give yourself time.

So sorry to learn of this, have been swamped in worry about my older son with what appears to be another nervous breakdown (August now two weeks ago), still testing, our doctors are slow hopefully now on a positive road.

Know you are in our thoughts, never give up and most definitely never give in!


The road won’t be easy but you get it down I am sure

I am not going to grieve all I was, but I can pre-grieve, just in case I will never resemble that person again.

In this case “ don’t think of what was but about what was plus an additional new of being