Yesterday, I wrote about how effectuating change in our lives can take a long time, particularly if you are sincere about wanting real and lasting change.
One of the things we often must face when making major life changes is the fact that we will probably cycle through a lot of people in our immediate environment... including people we may regard as being old friends.
When we talk about change, it's important to keep in mind that in the context I am talking about here, what we are changing is an entirely paradigm for living. And a life paradigm is made up of choices and places and people and situations and a few other things. A life paradigm also tends to be rather static, and includes a number of people who help maintain the status quo.
When we start changing things... well, that doesn't mean that the people who were part of our previous paradigm change with us. In fact, they have a certain investment in maintaining what already is, so they may become a path of resistance to our progress... even if they are very subtle about it.
Consider the classic work situation: You are trying to lose weight and get in shape... and without being consciously aware of it, your co-workers suddenly start getting take-out pizza twice a week instead of once a month.
It would be easy to point fingers and accuse them of trying to sabotage you. They are not, really... the groups is merely trying to maintain its cohesion.
Anyway, getting back to our personal changes, one of the things people often discover is that they will start eliminating many of the "toxic train wrecks: from their lives. You know who I am talking about: The people who come around to seek help and consolation every time they experience a "temporary setback" in their lives... except those setbacks happen so often that there is actually nothing "temporary" about them; they are actually a lifestyle.
Beware the Ego Trap of "Helpfuness..."
"But I'm a HELPFUL person! A GOOD person!" we think, when they show up again because there's a new "crisis" and we have determined that they are actually just a drag standing in the way of our personal growth.
But are we really? Or are we simply being complicit in helping maintain a status quo that's preventing us from moving forward towards the life we really want? One of the things I've noticed over the years is that a lot of "good people" allow themselves to be used, repeatedly.
During the period of change leading up to my 2006 edition of "reinventing myself" and moving clear across the country, I cycled through a good 50% of the people in my life whom I considered either "friends" or "close acquaintances," recognizing just how many people were a kind of "life expense" that kept me from being able to "afford" things I really wanted in my life.
My "Fuck Budget" is Overdrawn!"
No, that has nothing to do with hookers and porn... get your mind out of the gutter!
What do we care about... and why?
The difficult choice to eliminate a number of "train wrecks" from my circle arose from the realization that I was "giving a lot more fucks" about other people's needs and sob stories than I actually had to give. When I call it "difficult," it's because we sometimes discover that the people we're developing strong boundaries with perhaps have been there for many years, and now we get to tell them that something that has been going on for years is no longer acceptable.
The difficulty in maintaining those boundaries may even be compounded if we are someone whose life calling is centered on "being of service." But we still have to stand up for our boundaries!
Recently, a close friend made the extremely difficult decision to let her violently psychotic (adult) daughter become institutionalized, rather than continuing to risk her own safety by continuing to play make-believe that the situation was "under control."
Although she still wrestles with the "being a good person" issue, after just two weeks she discovered just how much that situation had limited her own ability to enjoy life, let alone have a life.
If she can do that anyone can overcome those things/people we allow to get in our way!
Thanks for stopping by, and have a great remainder of your week!
How about YOU? Have you ever found yourself "changing friends," as part of making major changes in your life? Have you ever had to eliminate so-called "train wrecks" from your life, because their presence was holding you back? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
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Some wise words indeed. I've been that person that ended up giving more than I could afford. It's great being able to help, but, at the end of the day, when you're in a dark or difficult place, help isn't always reciprocated. In the end, I was happy that I was able to help, however, I'll be far less cautious going forward, since it has placed us in a very difficult position. Nothing has changed on their side and we're the ones struggling to make ends meet. Giving freely, whether emotional or financial, can be a wonderful feeling, but, it can drag you down too. Caution is the best way and, like you've said, cutting ties is sometimes an absolute necessity.
That fine line between helping people in need and becoming a crutch for people who refuse to make necessary changes is difficult. I also worry at times whether my constant struggles with pain and food allergies make me a burden on my friends. I don't want to be the guy who always complains, but we're supposed to be honest about our struggles, right? I also hate it when other people put on a superficial facade of "everything's fine," or ask how I am doing as an empty social gesture.
One of the books I occasionally see people borrow at the library is entitled Boundaries, written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. People struggle with codependency. Those who study social problems and economics describe how some people rely on benefit programs to avoid addressing personal issues. I know a few people who became romantically involved with toxic people, and now have kids as a result, leading to greater complications. We humans have a lot to deal with, and no one teaches us how to better ourselves. We have to struggle to learn.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I have cycled through so many friends over the years I've lost count. And every time I've been willing to let a friendship (or romantic relationship) go that wasn't serving me or nourishing me, something so much better came in in its place.
i enjoyed reading this! thank you so much for this lovely and thoughtful content. :)