Over the weekend a family member died. It wasn't unexpected, but it's still not easy. The worst is over for her now and she is at peace. Once death occurs, it is not so much those who are dead who struggle with death so much as those left behind. The one I feel the most grief for is her husband, as they had no children, so how does he get through this alone?
Image courtesy of @ridor5301
She wasn't the only one in the family with a terminal diagnosis, so we expect to have news of another death before the year is done. Then we hold out hope for my mother-in-law that she will continue to heal from her cancer.
I started writing this earlier this year and we've since had two more deaths in the family. The expected one was my mother-in-law’s other sister, so she lost them both within a few months, while undergoing treatment for what we all expected to be a terminal cancer. It had spread to her lymph nodes and that's usually something that signifies end of life, yet amazingly her treatment is complete and she is essentially cancer free. We joked that it's all the other medication she's had pumped into her over the years for her rheumatoid arthritis and, more recently, heart condition.
Incidentally, none of these deaths were from Covid, although the second was registered as such because they had put her on a Covid ward. She had dementia and kept wandering out in the cold improperly dressed, leading to pneumonia, so perhaps that's why she was put in a Covid ward. It meant that she couldn't be washed down and dressed for the funeral and the family couldn't have an open casket for her.
The other death was my dad's younger brother. He'd been living with COPD for years and still didn't stop smoking or drinking, so I guess he did well to make it to 70. He and my dad were close, so despite knowing it was coming it still hit him pretty hard initially. We're in Australia and, due to Covid, are currently not allowed out of the country, so my dad couldn't go to him as his condition worsened and he can't be with his sisters now as they work through this loss. They won't be having a proper funeral, as that wasn't what my uncle wanted, but the reality is that funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living left behind. They are a part of our grieving process.
Do we fear death because we only know the absence of life when someone has died? Our experience is that they are gone, absent, into nothingness. Do we fear that for ourselves, that we will just cease to exist? I know that at one point I did, but what I fear more now is the death of those closest to me, leaving me to be alone to deal with life.
Death is a fact of life, something we all must come to terms with at some point. Yet too often we allow our fear of it to interfere with living our best life. We give up freedoms and even take freedom and dignity from others in order to drag that life out a bit longer, for our own sakes.
Recently a friend’s grandmother died. She was 104 and ready to go, but her pacemaker kept bringing her back for a little longer. Ideally she'd have liked to go peacefully at home where her daughter was caring for her, but as her daughter is in her 80s the extra care needed and stopping up at night was becoming too much and she ended up having to put her in a care home for her last few weeks. She was in such discomfort that the family actually asked if it would be easier for her to have her pacemaker switched off, but this would have apparently put her in more discomfort. She adored her grandmother and in one way wasn't ready to be without her, but she also had a huge respect for her grandmother's own wishes.
Then my friend's father has Parkinson's disease and while he's managed it very well in order to keep himself active enough to live reasonably, I think both he and his daughter are concerned about the point where he no longer has any control of his body and would wish to pass in dignity before that point. Recently she's been posting petitions on Facebook to legalise voluntary euthanasia, with these two experiences in mind.
Where there is life, there is death and the more life there is, the more death there inevitably is. No place is this more apparent than in our rainforests. Life there is so abundant, that if any one species were to get out of hand, it could be fatal for the whole ecosystem. For every insect species there is a deadly parasitic fungus that predates on them to help keep balance. The type that takes over their minds and causes them to go as high as they can before they die so that the spores can burst out of them and spread as far as possible.
So with death being inevitable, should we live in fear and hide away to avoid it for as long as possible, or do we live our best life knowing that when it's our time it's our time? Of course, without a healthy fear of death and a desire to continue living, our species would die out, but at some point we all have to make our peace with our mortality.
As I get older, I'm finding it easier to be at peace with death. It has likely come with experiences, both good and bad. It has come at my lowest points when I'd rather death than continuing such a miserable existence. It's come at those times where I lacked purpose in life and I have realised that in order to truly live a happy life we need purpose... but that leads down another avenue of thought, so I'll leave this one here.
We always avoid the subject of death, but really should not! Some say we start dying from the moment of birth as we're getting older all the time, quite a thought not so.
That is why we need to make the most of each day and live life to the fullest. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has written much about the subject of death and dying; I believe there is an even more glorious life after death and that this life is perhaps preparing us for that time, but that's another subject all of its own!
Thank you for a thoughtful blog.
That reminds me of an advert (like many I don't recall what it was for, but remember the advert itself), where a woman is giving birth and the baby suddenly shoots out, goes flying through the window, ages as he flies through the air, coming to land as an old man in a waiting grave. An extreme visual of life, amusing and shocking all at once.
I've heard too many stories over the years now to not believe that there is something after death. We'll never really know until we cross over exactly what, though.
That must have been quite an advert!
One pathway we cannot dodge hey ⭐
Sorry to hear, particularly on a rubbish Adelaide day like today.
Might help your Dad miss England a little less, I guess.
Funerals really do help with the closure. My close mate's mum was diagnosed with cancer, survived around 6 months, then died a year ago. We only just had the opportunity to get together and memorialise her. There's something that doesn't seem real or finished until you get together.
The babies always help me get through events like that. No baggage, no enemies. All these little clean slates reminding me we're all only a small slice of the total event that is humanity.
I was wondering if they could do a memorial of sorts online, via zoom or something. I think that would take the family over there organising it, though, because my dad won't ask or impose.
If only the innocent years could last for longer. It's sad to think they too will have to deal with this as they reach adulthood. I had Angel in arms when my maternal grandmother passed on and I agree, it certainly helped me through. Now Angel faces her own hardships that I tried to prepare her for over the years, but some are going to listen and some will only learn from their own mistakes... but that's another story as well.
That is a lot to deal with...you have rare wisdom
Thank you?
I’m not used to words without an image from you. 😉
I've been doing that a bit on the pob front end where I'm doing a lot of my voting lately...as soon as they get the ecency based front end up images will be back!
Those front-ends are rather clunky from mobile devices. I've gotten used to doing everything in slow motion. Not a problem seeing as I'm a slow person...😁
I like peakd, but pob frontend runs slow on everything and doesnt load images...if they get it based on ecency it could potentially be really fast, and I gather that is not far off
Having lost loved ones that we expected too as well as the shock of losing unexpectedly I can't say which is worse. In the last couple months two of my friends lost husbands, expectedly to cancer (as I did my first husband) and unexpectedly to a heart attack. I see how both families struggle with their grief and continuing life with that huge hole. It is a terrible place to be. I can sympathise with the thoughts and emotions going through your heart and mind @minismallholding
I can't imagine what you went through dealing with the loss of your husband and it must bring a lot of that pain back to see your friends go through it too. ❤
In many ways it's easier to reconcile and deal with the loss of our elders, as we know it will come eventually.
Sorry to hear that Mini. Sorry to miss your post too - I guess you know how life's been for me of late, I'm lucky to tie my shoelaces, and even then, that often doesn't work as I'm wearing buckles.
Since Dad's illness, I'm good with death. I just worry about the pain! And being a pain for others, too - and leaving Jamie behind. Although J. is his stepson, it's not quite the same, and I worry about what he'll do, though he jokes about mail order brides.
It's super tough not to be able to mourn and farewell the way we're used to - that's one of the awful things about COVID. So many stories about not being able to die with your loved ones around you, and them not being about to come together and mourn you when you are gone.
That's okay; love you for looking in and commenting now.
My friend got pretty emotional when her mum made the decision to put her grandmother in a home rather than accept help from her to keep her at home. She has autoimmune issues and doesn't do well with vaccines, so she couldn't visit her grandmother once she war in the home, due not having a flu vaccine. She got to see her only once more before she passed, when her mum was able to bring her outside for a little bit. It broke her heart because her grandmother thought she hadn't seen her for ages, even though it was only a couple of weeks. At least her mum was with her when she went.
@ryzeonline and I both send our condolences to you and yours.
Death isn't the easiest thing to deal with and when there are multiple deaths it's even harder.
I used to be afraid of death. I was terrified I wouldn't be remembered and I had nothing to leave behind. And then I was asked to help care for my cousin who had breast, brain, and lung cancer. She suffered for years.
She had so many regrets as she lay dying. One of them was not doing what she truly desired in life. She told me, repeatedly, "don't make the same mistakes I've made. Go do whatever you want to do". And I was deeply honored to watch her breathe her last breath. It was calming, peaceful and all pain was gone. Since then I no longer fear death.
these are beautiful words and completely agree.
Thank you for sharing and I'm sending lots of love, care, and positive vibes to you.
~so much love,
Cyn
Some of the hardest experiences in life can give us some of the greatest insights in life. Something I often tell my daughters is that you shouldn't regret even the bad experiences, because you can always learn something from them and they can make you the person you are as you choose how to learn from them.
Wow... incredibly touching piece of writing here. Thank you for this. I love your perspective on making peace with death, especially the rainforest example. I approach the topic in a similar way. Regardless, I send love, support, and positive vibes to everyone affected by the recent deaths and wish them all as much peace and fulfillment as possible.
And thanks again for sharing these important views in such a mature, level-headed way. I appreciate you. 🙏
Thank you.
We can only support each other through these things and ultimately, that's what life is for.
Totally agreed, thank you, wishing you a great day. 🙏
Glad I caught this. The part about being 80 and still having a mom, man that would be cool!
I'm a pro with death. Wish I couldn't say that.
I've been quite lucky in that I was well into adulthood before I had to experience anyone close to me dying.
My friend is ten years older than me and it was amazing to think of having a grandparent at that age too. All mine have long since passed on. Her grandmother was actually born the same year as my maternal grandmother. I never met my maternal grandfather, who was 13 years older than her.
So cool to have family around that long. I buried the only parent I ever knew when I was 37. Grandparents and all that were gonna well before. No siblings, either, I don't many like me.
We fear of death not because of death alone but because we will not able to see our loved ones forever. We will not be able to touch or hug them. Condolence to the whole family. Keep strong!
My Condolences. Good write 👌🏾🤗
Thank you ❤
If you will ping me when you power up your hive-engine PAY tokens, I will match them.
If you leave them there long enough they should grow in value.
To whom, I'm not sure, but somebody is buying them.
This is the first I've heard of them. What are they about?
Anyway, they are now staked.
I'm not sure who or why, but I have 25% of them, presumably for using the #politics.
So, I figured to give some away on the hopes that you would hold them until they have more value.
Somebody fat fingered a trade that spiked their price a few days ago and I got to looking, and I got 9 million of them.
I'm not sure who is buying, but bless them and all the hive they want to donate.
Oh, okay. Thank you. I should probably check transactions better to know what's going on. My head's stuffy at the moment, though, as I enjoy my daughter's head cold...
Stay hydrated.
I appreciate the reminder. Some lemon and honey tea is in order...
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