In Which I Rant About Birds & Work Out A New Netting System for the Fruit Trees

in Feathered Friends3 years ago (edited)

'Get the flying faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark off my appppppllleeees', I wail, arms flying and flip flops flapping as I race towards the fruit trees to scare away what can only be called a gang of cockatoos. When these big white mofos come down on the trees it's like a zombie hoarde of singleminded destruction, except they're going for plums and quinces, apples and pears - not brains. If you haven't heard what a gang or horde of cockies sound like, they're kinda like a rusty door held up to a microphone and open and shut 300 times - actually fifty rusty doors open and shut in random order. The corellas are even worse en masse - listen, please, so you have an idea of the sound they make:

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'You've gotta help me net the trees,' I moan. I'm probably bird like myself, cawing and cackling about what was the flipping point of planting fruit trees in an attempt at fruit self sufficiency if the birds were going to eat them all and I don't care if hubby doesn't even like fruit, because I do, I water and fertilise and prune the bastards, and what do the birds do? Eat fruit and shit everywhere, that's what they do, look at all the purple shit everywhere from them stealing elderberries and blackcurrants, I mean, it's like someone's got a bird shit paint gun and played paintball in my garden. Hubs backs away slowly, of course, hides in the garage and pretends to be busy sanding the roof of the Defender.

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He adores birds. They make him happy. They make all of us happy - me included, if they're not stealing my goddamn fruit. The maggies that warn us against foxes, the rosellas like flying rainbows, tiny finches and butt shaking willy wagtails with their harem like the stud featherfluffs that they are, the green grassparrots strutting across the garden like they forgot out to fly, the galahs off the telegraph wires, the punk haired doves sitting like stoners on the garden arch, the occasional white goshawk, the kookburras in the distance laughing their asses off (likely at me, banshee'ing across the garden), the pardelotes - tiny and dotted, new England honeyeaters a-swinging from the banksia.

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But they sure as hell aren't eating all my fruit.

It's been an El Nina year so we've had unseasonable rain. Consequently, there's more apples and pears than I've ever had. It's not a plum year, except for the Japanese plum, whose fruit hangs in clusters of giant gonads. The pear trees are gigantic - I couldn't net the whole thing if I tried. And I'm worried the bird brained - well - birds will find their way through the netting and get stuck and dehydrated and panicked and caught up in netting and die. If you want to see the saddest thing ever, look at my husband's face when he sees a bird die.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, so I get inventive and begin a process of wrangling netting. I buy two huge ones from Bunnings and almost get myself wrapped up between two branches of red pears that are dripping from the dizzy heights of the tree. Yep, that's a fail. So I try something else. I cut big ribbons of netting, about a metre wide and a couple of metres long, and wrap them round the branches like giant condoms, pegging as I go. I'm happy to leave the top half for the birds - in fact, they'll get likely two thirds of our crop, because how much fruit can I eat anyway, and how much stewed apple can I fit in my freezer?

It takes me a few hours before I'm done. I have pegs in my pockets and hanging from the bottom of my jumper like some punk homesteader apple farmer. My hair's japanese chopsticked with fruit branches and my arms are scratched with an youngberry that managed to stretch itself under the plum. But the trees are netted.

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I tweet my accomplishment to the hubs, who is still cleverly disguised as a man sanding the roof of a Landrover. 'Look! I did it!'

He looks towards the pear closest to him, where I've creatively wrangled a kind of giant sleeve that keeps the fruit encased. It's long and kind of - phallic. He and the kookaburras are laughing.

'It looks like a giant penis,' he says.

Well, I did think it looked like a giant netted condom.

With Love,

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creatively wrangled a kind of giant sleeve that keeps the fruit encased

So...Like a condom?

If a person has never heard a couple thousand of these bastards making their racket they'll not understand. I mean, they are a lovely bird and all but jeez they're loud and they can make a mess of the trees for sure. Having said that it's pretty cool to be in the outback as they sun goes down with these big white mofo's doing their thing.

creatively wrangled a kind of giant sleeve that keeps the fruit encased

So...Like a covid mask?

I have to say Rivvy, just the mention of Bunnings get's my excitement level up...Bunn-ings...Yeah baby! I love that place. Now I want to go and buy bird nets...Don't need them, but kinda want them anyway.

I approve of your legit-MacGuyvering of these nets and hopefully none of the birds suffer any ill-effects like the fairly permanent condition called death because of them.

I guess that's the circle of life though right? And also it's not like you're intentionally killing them. You know, I was asked to shotgun them at a golf club a couple years back. I wasn't keen so said no, but it happens, just so people can play golf without getting carpet bombed by bird shit. I don't see that as a legit reason to blast them.

creatively wrangled a kind of giant sleeve that keeps the fruit encased

So, like a hair net the burger flipper at the local fish and chip shop wears?

And then I get to the bottom of the post and your Landi-sanding hubby confirms...

'It looks like a giant penis,' he says.

So, exactly like a condom!

Ha, what a great comment. I did put Bunnings in ther ejust for you - I thought you'd get off on a mention of the best DIY store in the known universe.

I'm glad that you didn't kill the birds, I would have felt uncomfortable with our friendship after that! There's always arguments about the corellas in town here - shoot the f**ckers or no, we love them - they are part of the charm of the place.

!ENGAGE 25

Yeah...We had a Bunnings episode here today. we went back to our other house and were supposed to go to Bunnings after, on the way back here...We...Wait for it...Forgot to do so!

My head hangs in shame. Of course, we could go now but...Cake and coffee. Lol.

Oh, cake and coffee sounds good too!!!!

You know they tried the Bunnings thing in the UK with the sausage sizzle and all - and it didn't work. I still can't believe it. What's wrong with people?

Bloody poms. Lol.

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Hahaha, sounds like a fun post here to me.
Imagine getting up at 4 am in the morning to collect the macadamia nuts that dropped overnight. One has to beat the gang of squirrels, but in love, I leave them 10% of every harvest.
A squirrel without a macadamia nut is like a party with no music.

I like your inventive ways to protect the fruit and maybe you should get yourself two tame hawks, or falcons to patrol the garden?

Cheers and !BEER

Thanks so mcuh!! Oh we don't have squirrels here, but we have possums! They can be a nuisance too.

Wow, I've always wanted a hawk!

Thanks for the beer!

!ENGAGE 25

My pleasure and yes, I have seen the control that can result from a resident hawk in the yard.
The birds have a communications system, their own "Hive" and when the chirps spread that there is a bird of prey, they all don't come near.
We have many apple farms here and just as many buzzards, hawks and falcons.

Thank you for the token and blessings to you guys.

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Ahhhhhh the sound of home... you're probably surprised to hear that I miss the sound of those cheeky cockatoos. You have some beautiful bird photos.

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When you live overseas, it's easy to miss Australian birds. When I lived in the UK i used to watch neighbours just to hear the magpies. Of course, now there's you tube.. :P

Haha yes. I listen to some spotify bird playlists every now and then. Our birds are so unique

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I've seen Cockatoo's literally destroy a tree, branches and leaves falling down and poor tree has nothing left.

Yes, they do that here too! It's a wonder there's anything left when they leave.

I just can't believe the resilient wildlife surrounding you, it all seems so exotic. Glad your hubby knows you're trying to wrap your ribbons of netting in condoms that cause less harm to the birds, I guess it all works with sacrificing the apples on top.

I think the grey dove looking bird is really beautiful.

Thank you for sharing!

Thanks! yes, I bet your wildlife seems exotic to you as well! I don't mind giving the birds some fruit - it feels right. Those doves are hilarious- they just waddle around like they don't have a brain between the pair of them.

The menace of birds and gardens! Those sure are some noisy buggers in your clip...

Around here, it's more often a battle of the starlings vs. us and our cherry trees and strawberries. Ever seen a murmuration of starlings? You probably got familiar with them in the UK... a flock of 2000 starlings can destroy a crop in ten minutes.

They are SO noisy. Funny you said that about starlings - just had a flock descend on my elderberries ggggrrrr!!!!!! Yes, I'm familiar with the ethereal beauty of a murmuration.

The blackbirds can be a pain here too with the mulch!


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I wail, arms flying and flip flops flapping

I'd like to see you flying and flapping on flip flops floping flaped fliping flombs flip flom fla fli

Thanks for making me laugh at 22:44, and, Ah! Your photos are simply, flerpect! I wish the birds would come back to my patio, if the goddamn cat allowed

Hahah - bloody cats! Glad you enjoyed it! Of course, I didn't do anything of the sort - but it made for a fun image!

LoL! Bet that tree looked an interesting sight from a distance XD If you're struggling to reach the top (sounds like a decent sized tree!) may as well feed the birds too :D

unlikely but hopefully they learn to be polite and only take from the top but you'll probably be making giant condoms for the foreseeable future XD