Ever since I can remember I've been a heavy mood swinger, going from the states of joy and empathy to complete doom and gloom, or rage within short frames of time and with no real reason to do so. Unfortunately, I still suffer from this.
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I remember a certain someone who no longer engages with me because she stumbled across one of my nastier episodes asked me why I always wrote such troublesome posts. I didn't really have the answer back then but now I know. It's because when I'm on the happy streak the last thing I want to do is to hop on a screen and write about my life, I just want to enjoy. It's when I'm down that I need to write to help myself out of that distress.
It's hard to get empathy from people when you have this kind of disorder. They take it personally, they encapsulate you in the darker moments and forget all about the good ones. They rush into putting a tag on you and demonizing you. You can go for years being a cool guy, but the moment they see you had a meltdown you're forever on a black list.
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In the end you just learn to be a lone wolf, to trust no one but yourself. You know that in the end you'll be the only one to stand by your side when things get rough.
I've studied a lot of psychology and esoterism trying to find a cure for this condition but it's a tricky thing. It's tricky because you can go for a good while without any crashes and then boom, suddenly out of the blue you just break. Those crashes then lead to guilt and shame, to the rejection of everyone around you, and in turn you begin rejecting everything around you as well.
Something I still can't figure out is whether this is some kind of karma that can't be escaped and must be lived thoroughly, or if it's something that can actually be healed in this lifetime, to move on to a more prosperous period of life.
It's been many years that I've been working on this but since a few months ago I had another crisis I'm not sure if I've made any progress. Another theory that crossed my mind is that since I'm connected with the wild world, it's only natural that my behavior will not always be that of a proper human. After all, proper humans are obsessed with killing us weeds, killing us animals of the forest, poisoning us spirits of the water, and so on. Maybe its very logical from time to time I will hate my human side and want to destroy it from within.
Working to be a different type of human is a difficult task. I like to believe that one day I will be surrounded by many other humans who's empathy expands beyond their family circles, and beyond humanity. But in the current moment, it just seems that everyone who attempts to do this has to deal with a lot of inner turmoil, while those who follow the destructive guidelines of the system look at us like we're sick.
Anyway, got a bit off topic, but then again perhaps bipolarity is the call of the inner beast that some of us still carry, respect and love within us.
I know the world is full of bipolar people and that this reality is very dual, being only half of our whole personalities usually exposed to the public. But to those who are open about their bipolarity, have any of you been able to heal from this? I would really like to know your experiences and if you've managed to feel changes without the need of using pharmaceuticals.
Thanks for reading.
This life we lead, is a result of everything we have been through in life. We hold on to everything, until we find a way to let it go. I have been unearthing many emotions that I have buried deep, pain that I tried so hard to put away, but it still remains. Bubbling under the surface, trying desperately to find a way out, a release.
We are not taught how to feel, that is something we have to discover for ourselves and it fucking hurts at times.
It sounds to me, like your pain is resurfacing at these moments.
I have finally found a way to release mine, by doing biodanza every week. Our greatest medicine, is the one, that we find within.
It is when we reconnect with who we are and heal our pain with love, self love.
Sending you love my friend and thank you for sharing this with us, for being so honest, your healing has already begun xxxxx
Thanks, much love to you as well. Biodanza could be good, I have a lot of boundary issues and have a hard time being close to others physically
Yeah I did too, that was part of my process, allowing others to get close to me. xxxxx
Hello Fen, I was very hooked on your post, because in my family environment we have two members with that symptom or condition, I really don't know what to call it. The point is that I have always thought that when you have in mind those kinds of situations that are sudden and turn their backs on you with what you thought you could count on, they really are not your friends.
I understand that the only way to control these episodes is with medication, although it would be excellent to try to find some natural medication.
I wish you the best of success and the only thing I can tell you is that you live a happy life and each day as if it were your last. Greetings my friend Fen
Medication seems tempting, many times I think of telling someone to just take me to the shrink and let them drug me for life. But I'd rather sit through it and try to find the core of the issue so I can truly heal it. Right now one of my approaches is quitting porn as I've read a lot about how on some people it changes their mood and makes them socially anxious, as well as more prone to anger. So far I have been feeling much better and more in touch with my emotions, controlling my anger, and having better daily habits. Might be on the right track.
Thanks for your good wishes, right back at you