I don't remember the moment in which I came to understand who he was; he was just there and I accepted it without question because something about him felt right, and like it was meant to be. Maybe it was a feeling so intrinsic to my being that I simply knew who he was but didn't have the ability to recall it that early in life. He was always there though and as I grew and developed so did the relationship until one day I realised exactly who he was and could also put a name to him; I called him dad.
The last month has felt a little weird to me as I've been thinking about my dad a lot. He departed only twelve months ago and whilst I'm generally accepting of death, my own and others, I never expected to miss him as much as I do. In truth he departed long before he passed away as he suffered dementia and didn't know who I was towards the end, but he was still there, I could see him, and so he didn't feel gone, until he was.
My dad suffered towards the end, was in pain, and the responsibility fell to me to authorise an increase to his pain medication which would accelerate his demise. He stopped eating on a Friday, fell into a deep and restful sleep and the following Wednesday slipped away. He was in peace and I felt...I'm going to say relieved. Judge me if you like, I'm ok with it. He was no longer in pain and was in a better place I felt.
The usual process began and he was laid to rest a couple weeks later.
It was a terrible time, especially considering on the Friday he fell into that deep sleep I had to have my best friend of twenty two years, my cat Merlin, put down. I'm a stoic sort chap, can be at least, but it wasn't something I coped with very well. But here I am a year later coping I suppose, despite feeling the loss of both quite terribly at some moments.
I've missed my dad a lot lately. There's no real reason why I suppose, I just do. I find myself remembering things from every stage of my life shared with him; from those moments when he was so angry with me for some stupid thing I had done to these good times building Lego, playing or just hanging out with him including one of the most enduring memories I have of him; watching him paint. My dad made his living as an artist and I have several of his works, large ones, hanging in my home and they're a constant reminder. It's nice for me to have that as it makes me feel close to him and brings those memories flooding back.
Dad was a gentle soul, giving and generous; annoyingly for me he never had the ability to see the bad in people and would happily show generosity to his own detriment at times. He was funny and happy for people to laugh at his expense. He was also incredibly intelligent, an amazing orator, key-note speaker, patient teacher and so many other things. He was a good dad and did the best he knew how to in raising his children and being a husband; not perfect of course, but no human is.
Above is a quote by one of my dad's favourite people and I chose it because it sums up how my dad felt towards the end. He would often say, “I have led an amazing life. I have travelled the world, married a beautiful woman and have raised five amazing children. I am happy.” And he indeed was. It's with this in mind I comforted myself in the weeks leading up to, and after, his death. He was content and happy and that makes me happy.
I wrote my dad's eulogy and struggled to find the words that would suitably summarise his entire life and who he was; below is a small portion of it:
Dad was surely the humblest and kindest man a person could be and if only two words could be used to describe him, they would be the words. Humble and kind. His heart was open to all and he was one of those rare people who truly cared about others.
He painted his life with vibrant colours, amazing creativity and with passion. It is something he would wish for each of us and, whilst he is not physically here to guide us, he lives within us all, anyone whose life he touched.
Each day is a blank canvas to be painted the way we wish it to be and dad lived his life around that ethos and his example and lessons helped his children do the same. He would tell us that life is full of twists and turns, but must be celebrated and lived to its full extent.
It is with that in mind, the words I have heard my dad speak so many times and the lessons he taught me through those words and example that I remember him these days. I miss him a lot, more than I thought I would at times, but I know he is not far away, indeed he is everywhere I go because I carry him in my memories.
I don't know what happens after death as I've never died and come back to analyse it - I don't believe that anyone knows to be honest. What I do know is that life is there to be lived, just as my dad has done, and that regret makes for a poor companion. Thinking about my dad's contentment with his life, the way he saw his life at the end, makes me happy and helps me work that little bit harder at my own. It inspires me to follow my own life-ethos, that phrase I end my posts with: Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
Discord: galenkp#9209
Image is mine.
I get it @galenkp! My mom had dementia pretty bad along with cancer throughout her body. Out of her nine children I was chosen to take on the same thing for my mom as you did for your dad. Mind you my husband had also been in an auto accident a couple of days before but my siblings put me down as the person to take on hospice for our mom. A couple of them did help me thank goodness. But you know what? They did me a favor as I got to spend that little bit of extra time with her. It was hard and it still brings me to tears sometimes but I do believe she is in a better place with my dad and now brother. Every time I gave her the morphine I wondered if it would be the last time. It is funny because I've noticed how you end your posts with "be humble and kind". That was my mom, she was always humble and kind. My best friend even made me this plaque in honor of my mom after she passed. I thought you would like to see it. I keep it inside above the outside door to remind me to try to be more like her. 💖
It's a difficult task that one will never really understand without actually performing. But, as you say, there's benefits to it as well.
The humble and kind message is one many would do well to learn although these days it seems it takes a back seat to ego and hubris.
Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it.
I totally agree and you're very welcome! 🙂
A sensitive topic for me above there. Regardless, you are being informed to enjoy my Lego post from yesterday.
It's a difficult subject for those who have gone through it for sure. And yeah, I saw your piles of Lego - It's crazy to think people just put it out in the street considering its value.
It's also crazy to be up at 5AM using a hair dryer I just found tonight (you find what you need) to dry the bathtub of wet LEGOs I just washed.
Haha, yeah but you gotta get those Lego's clean somehow. Thankfully you found that
hairLego dryer.Loss of a loved one whether sudden or through slow process we never really come to terms with that loss for quite some time.... if ever!
They live on through our thoughts and actions, triggered in the most unforeseen times when least expected.
Be proud, be humble, be kind show the world you are mine, is what echoes even after many years have passed on.
@tipu curate
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It's not easy. I'm surprised I feel as I do now and then a year later, bit it feels ok also; I'm supposed to miss him I guess.
Quite normal, it never really leaves one either, there will be the dreams as well when you wake up a little confused.
Have a great day,
Memories of our loved ones, although sometimes hurt, are the best present they leave to us. They remain in our memory forever.
This is very true indeed, those memories are the value born if the life lived with that person.
I imagine what you can feel, because I already went through that pain, which changes life in a before and after.
my father was very special too and with me, as my brother said, that I was his favorite out of jealousy. ha ha .. we love each other very much the best father that God gave me, if I am born again I choose him again.
At first I asked God not to take him away, however when I saw that my hero suffered and became weaker every day, I knelt to implore him to accept his designs but not to allow me to suffer more ...
Because he was already acting under egoism and did not think about his suffering. The love towards my father made me accept the designs of God, I remember that he told me, daughter I will endure as long as I can. I hugged him and with a lot of love, I told him that if he had to go, let him go in peace, that it would be fine, that he was the best father in the world. He told me I'm going happy because God gave me a family and some children spelled. ufff .... I still do not get over it and I think I will never get over it and until my last breath I will be calling you. I remember it all the days of my life and my eyes fill with tears. One day I came to my dream and he told me that he would not cry anymore ... I miss him all the days of my life and he was the man I love the most ...
My father died in my arms. Ufff tomorrow he will be 2 years and two months after his departure. And now he is more alive than ever. Nothing
is the same without him ... only God has given me comfort and knowing that he does not want to see me cry anymore. @galenkp.
I send you a strong hug of solidarity in the face of your sadness.
It's always difficult when we lose people and when it's someone close to us it hits a bit harder. Life will go on though, although at first it doesn't seem that way.
Galen, I understand you...
I lost my father when I was 14...
It was the year 1979!
But I still miss my dad.
Sometimes a lot of heartache comes back. I really miss my dad!
It's good to have the memories of course, but the person would be better. Life is going to end for all of us but knowing it doesn't make losing those around us any easier.
There is knowledge that the souls of the dead meet in another world...
I don’t know if the "life after death" theory is true...
But I really want to believe in these theories. They’re kind of comforting us, too.
I'd also like to think there's something after death because at some point I'll die; but who knows whether there is or not?
Galen, do you believe in reincarnation?
I'm not really sure how to answer; I haven't met someone who has been reincarnated, and can prove it, so until I do I won't be able to answer. Maybe it happens, maybe not. I need some evidence.
Oh, I know how much you miss your Dad, as I imagine missing mine when he's gone. We have been blessed with good men as fathers - how lucky we are. And I think we carry them with us in more than memories - it's many other things too. xxx
Thanks Riv, it's always going to be hard I guess and whilst mostly I'm all good sometimes I remember stuff we did and it hits home. I also remember stuff I did which looking back must have hurt him a lot and I regret it. I mean when I was a little kid and probably didn't know better...But still. You know?
Thanks for your comments as always.
I am very interested in your words. A kind and wise person !
Thank you; what in particular in my post makes you interested?
Especially the picture, looks very perfect with a very sharp focus on the flower petals, your two words touch my heart, this is the main reason my brother.
Ah ok, looking at the picture interested you. Thanks for confirming what I had suspected.
Yes, you're welcome! ;)
👍
I truly am there with you on this one. My father had Alzheimer's and even though I am (like @deerjay as we have discussed this very thing)one of nine children and live almost 1,000 miles from them, it was me who took a leave from work and took care of my dad when the burden got too big for my mom. I was going to take them home with me, but, I couldn't move him, the worse thing to do is move someone who is already confused.
I know very well that I/you and @deerjay got a good deal. There were things I learned about my dad that I never knew. I got to spend his last moments with him and he was such a joy most days until he wasn't. But, that was all part of it.
It wasn't always good and it wasn't always bad, but, it was always stressful. Shortening the life of another feels out of place and wrong and yet, I couldn't have done it any other way. My dad couldn't even swallow his pills and so, I didn't force him in the end. That ended his life sooner.
I have had my dad on my mind in the last few weeks, glad he isn't alive with his Alzheimer's navigating COVID. You have such a healthy attitude and I will admit that I wouldn't change my role for all the money in the world.
I got to share the last days of my dad and special moments. You just cannot get that back nor buy it.
God Bless you. No matter that it was worthy, it was still really hard.
It's all such a terrible time but also, as you point out, we got a good deal through having the time with the person. It's part of life, death I mean, but not always the best part of life, just one we need to endure and make the most of. I think it's these experiences that bring a certain clarity of thought, and experiences that help us along with other aspects of life so it's not all bad.
I have to say, I think you are right. It was a terrible time, but, I feel lucky that my dad wanted me there, when he didn't recognize anyone else, including my mom (that was horrifying) he still remembered me. I was able to soothe and calm him because he felt safe with me. This alone made ever minute spent all the more valuable, that I could do that for him.
It's pretty incredible how someone who is so tuned-out with dementia can respond to certain triggers. Music, pets and children seem to get the best results but it's good for both of you that he remembered you in particular. That wold have made it easier for him, and a better memory for you also.
You are right. It was the small things that triggered the most. We were walking on the beach and he could name all the shells. I can't remember them all. Moments in time. When the Berlin Wall fell, His mother's picture. (she died when he was 7) he had vivid memories of here. He never talked about here when we were growing up.
He remembered he liked ice cream. :) I wasn't so much worried about my memories, only the confusion of having someone that you don't know caring for you. I didn't want to be that stranger and it seemed to give him comfort.
Music - indeed!
Reading your memories, or of anyone else, I wish I was also emotionally attached to my dad. Or had some happy memories with him. Or learnt some lessons from him.
Almost till now, I was always absorbed in the frustrations of life, he is always lost in his regrets, or complaining about how hard life is. Maybe living a little every now and then, smiling a bit, and then be lost again in the past life.
Can't complain much because he always provided for my education, security, comfort, or anything that I wanted. Just was absent emotionally.
Now that I am coming out of my early twenties, and less frustrated because of things I don't have or couldn't do. I feel that if I was less educated, had lesser real estate but more emotionally attatched with my dad, would have a happier life.
Anyway, cherish the good memories we have. Forget the bad ones.
As you always say:
Working on it!
Thanks🙂
I agree, but would say, Cherish the good memories we have. Learn from the bad ones.
Sometimes relationships with parents can be difficult. I can remember being critical of some of the decisions my parents made in respect of their children, however as I got older I came to understand that they are humans before being parents and as such are subject to the same human frailties as the rest of us. As kids we probably see our parents as infallible but they are not. Sometimes they have to miss out on things to go to work and earn to put food on the table. Sometimes they beat us when they should not...That sort of thing. Sometimes they complain and hold regrets...Sure, not a good example to give us but they are just people and so are not perfect. My parents included.
Having said that, we can learn from it. You saw your father complain so maybe you see the futility of complaining and will be more decisive and strategize around doing things better so you don't need to complain. Maybe you'll take more ownership and responsibility and live your best life which mitigates the potential for regret. So...He taught you valuable lessons right?
Just a different way of looking at it.
I think I was not mature enough to see it that way😅 But thanks!
Sometimes we're just too close to a thing or situation to see it clearly and for what it is, or may be. A little arms-length perspective can be valuable.
Your insights are always valuable😅 It's good that you share your wisdom + experience daily in the form of posts😄
Thank you kindly sir. I try to represent as best I can. :)