Not knowing what to write is something I've never been afflicted with; I have so much going on in life that I have topics coming out of my ears. Today though, I've sat here and struggled to know how to begin this post. For lack of anything more suitable I'm just going to say it how it is, plain and simple, and press publish at the end sending whatever comes out up to the blockchain for ever. I hope you don't mind.
This post is to update those of you who have been interested in, and provided support around, the cancer situation my wife Faith's mother is in.
The background
In August 2018 we arrived home from Europe to the news my mother in-law had bowel cancer. Two weeks later she had most of her bowel removed and in a few more weeks was into a chemotherapy process that ended around April 2019. It was a terrible process for her and at one point was only hours from death - Chemotherapy can be brutal and the oncologists got the mix wrong. She recovered though and was declared in remission.
To celebrate we took her to New Zealand with us in October 2019, her first-ever time overseas, and she had an amazing time. We spared no expense and did so many once in a lifetime things which she thoroughly enjoyed.
She has had three-monthly scans since that point and each was clear. We were pleased to see this each time of course. The chemotherapy has left residual issues though such her hands being numb and her fingers tingling all the time - This won't go away, but it's a small price to pay for life.
The last scan
At her last scan the worst scenario occurred; They found more cancer.
This time the cancer is in the liver and over the last two months she has undergone many scans including the PET and MRI scans that pinpoint the extent of the cancer.
She's had many others though along with several oncologist appointments both with the bowel specialist and the liver specialist. Over this time we have worked hard to help her maintain her emotional and mental well-being and, of course, that of my wife also as she is very close with her mum and it this has affected here heavily.
It has been a very stressful time and with Faith and I still working and having our own lives...Well, it's left us a little worn out physically and emotionally.
The prognosis
Yesterday was my mother in-law's ultimate appointment with the liver specialist/surgeon and the news was...Mixed. I'll dot point it below in a brief manner, the options she has.
Do nothing: Meaning no treatment at all - Lifespan 12 months from now.
The oncologist was very clear about this. The condition cannot be reversed and left untreated will end Faith's mum's life inside of twelve months.Full operation: Lifespan 2 to maximum 5 years.
This operation is very intrusive; Opened up like a tin can, is exactly how the surgeon explained it. There's a percentage chance of bleeding out on the table and this is followed by recovery and a six month process of chemotherapy.Key hole surgery: This surgery goes in between the ribs and blasts the cancer with a laser thing. It is less invasive but has a fluid on the lungs risk, (pneumonia) although possibly involves no post-operation chemotherapy. Lifespan 2 to maximum 5 years.
The decision
We worked very hard in the last two months not to influence Faith's mum either way as far as decisions go. It has to be her decision alone, and is one that obviously affects ones entire life, so we have been very careful not to influence her at all, despite having our own thoughts on the matter.
Yesterday she made the decision to do the key hole laser-blast thing as she felt the ongoing quality of life was preferable to the twelve months of pain and suffering the full operation and chemotherapy would impose. (With no better time-prognosis.
The key hole thing can be done a few times moving forward, the operation just the once, and with the lifespan prognosis being the same she felt quality of life was the best choice. Doing nothing wasn't really much of a choice once she found out about the key hole thing. This also means the full operation can be done at a later date potentially also.
I wasn't in the room when she was told about the twelve month lifespan (if untreated) although my mum got told the same thing, also cancer-related, and I was in the room.
It's a very odd thing to hear, and I'd imagine extremely confronting for the one subject to it. My mother in law is a tough woman though, this is where Faith gets her strength from of course, and she took the news well focusing on the solutions rather than the negative of knowing that cancer will kill her with a few short years.
Of course, doctors are not always right when it comes to these matters and my mother in-law was saying that medical advancements may occur in that time and she might be afforded more time than the expected prognosis. She's right, and for her sake I hope this is the case. Unfortunately it wasn't for my mum who died almost twelve months to the day from that prognosis; I guess one never really knows.
The future
This cancer will never be cured; The oncologist was very clear about that. It can be controlled via this key hole scenario but it will eventually take her life. If the cancer was to become tertiary, pop up somewhere else like the bones, it would accelerate her demise also. She's not focused on that though - She's thinking about life.
I'm really impressed with how she has handled it, and Faith too - They are very close and I would have thought this news would hit them very hard. I think it will at times though, in time, however right now I think there's a feeling of positivity, some relief about finally knowing and a steely-resolve to make whatever time she has left valuable for her and Faith.
We have some very tough times ahead, and I feel we'll have some incredibly happy and memorable ones too - That's what we're focused on.
So that's about it y'all. Not a very happy post in general, although it's a thing that will monopolise much of my life moving forwards and, as always, I'll be there to support Faith and her mum, help create lasting memories and be there at the end when life runs its course.
I feel pretty useless at the moment however I'm present, emotionally and physically, and together we will continue our best life ethos and make the most of the hand we've been dealt, as poor as it is.
I know it's often difficult for people to know what to say in these circumstances; If that's how you feel then say nothing, however if you have something to say then feel free to comment below.
Thanks for tolerating this post; It helped me order my thoughts to write it.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised.
Be well
Discord: galenkp#9209
Sunset image is mine.
Give them both a hug from us.
Thanks Matt, I will do so. Much appreciated.
Ahhhhhh. Thanks for posting this. I've been wondering.
I see a reason for optimism in the 2 to 5 year option. It is long enough that Faith and her mom can LIVE some and make new memories. I think the one year option would have led to an extended goodbye which would be hard on everybody (as you well know). I'm really glad that they came out of the Surgeon's office with a plan that they are committed to.
I love that you all (the rest of the world) call it 'keyhole' surgery rather than arthroscopic as it's known here. My last ex had her gallbladder removed that way and hid the scars (two) with butterfly tattoos :)
As always (usually unsaid) my very best to you and yours.
Yeah, it wasn't the worst result possible and having a little time like this will be good for Faith and her mum. We'll make the most of it.
P.s. We call it arthroscopic here too, but the doctor called it key hole, I think to keep things simple for her and that's what I wrote, for the same reason. :) Also, I'd crack up laughing if my mother in law decides to get a tattoo to hide the scar! Lol.Also, I'd crack up laughing is my mother in law decides to get a tattoo to hide the scar! Lol.
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ENGAGEtokens.Stay strong, man. If you ever need some seductive phone sex or just wanna bullshit around I'm always around on Discord, dood.
This is a constant need...Isn't it? Lol.
Thanks man, I know you're facing some tough times and situations and have done for a while...So many are. I guess it's nice to have an ear to listen at times. I appreciate the offer as I know it's heartfelt.
I hope you're going ok too.
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ENGAGEtokens.I had a prognosis over twenty years ago of one to two years, get your papers in order, don't worry about Y2K cause you wont see it. Doctors can be wrong, that was my diagnosis in 1998 by 4 doctors. rue they had no idea what the problem was but could find no method of stopping the weight loss, vomiting and severe bowel issues.
I think your mother in law has made a choice that will fit her. One thing that you and her may want to find out is the chance and possibility of nerve damage and if they are going to need to remove a piece of the rib bone. I only mention this because with my lung surgery a piece of a rib bone needed to be removed, and a nerve was damaged. I knew that was a risk.
There really is not a lot that can be done for nerve damage, and the pain can flare at times quite hard, most of the time just a headache type pain in the back. The point is that if there is damage, after about three weeks one kind of sort of gets used to it.
Your mother in law sounds like a fighter, and I hope she will be thumbing her nose at the doctors in 5 years.
Faith and I have heard of that sort of thing before, in fact we know people who were given reasonably short deadlines and survived longer. Of course, we've also known people who were taken far earlier then the original prognosis gave them also; Faith's dad for one. That's the whole thing of it I guess...Best to live one's life day by day, meaning get the most from each day as one never knows when that day might be one's last - There's far less chance for regret that way.
They spent a long time with the surgeon yesterday and talked through many different factors, concerns, possibilities and possible issues - My post was very basic as I saw no need to trouble people with all the gritty details. There's a few possible issues that can come from the probe treatment and Faith's mum seems comfortable with them. Really, the prognosis is the best result under the circumstances and the oncology team have been very open and honest, almost brutal, in their dialogues which suits my mother in-law's pragmatic nature. I feel confident that she is comfortable with her decision and the overall prognosis and that together her and Faith have a good handle on things.
Only time will reveal the overall result and we're focused on making the intervening time as valuable for all concerned as possible.
Thanks for your comments. It is greatly appreciated, and I'm pleased to see you were able to prove your doctors wrong; Hopefully so can my mother in law.
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ENGAGEtokens.For some people these posts can be a little uncomfortable to read, as they touch on sensitive topics such as illness and the end of life. However, these posts also represent the authenticity of your blog, as they reflect life itself, with its ups and downs. I understand the panorama and it is undoubtedly a difficult situation, but there are also variables in favor: the strength of your mother-in-law, the unconditional support of her daughter, your wife, and your physical and emotional presence, which in difficult moments becomes one of the most important things. I feel that she made a great decision and I sincerely hope that things will improve in the years to come. I send a big hug to you and your family.
Thank you for a lovely message, measured thoughts and articulate writing. I appreciate it.
I am a genuine person, meaning what you see is what you get, and am able to be open with my thoughts and happy to show my emotions. Of course, I also temper what I say at times, hold things back because it's the interwebs, but I'm glad you see a genuine nature because that's what I try to portray. The real me.
We have tough times ahead Sofi, and will possibly break at times, but we do life as a unit, together, Faith and I. We know no other way.
Thank you for your kindness.
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ENGAGEtokens.Aww Man. I hope free writing that helped to get it all out and relieve some of the stress and worry. For not having anything to write, sure turned out to be a good healthy post.
Sorry you both (and especially Mum) have to go through this Cancer crap. It's Crap. It sucks and sounds like there is little hope, except for the quality time left. My wife and I are also loosing a very close family member to cancer. She was diagnosed at the age of 21 with breast cancer. She had her breasts and ovaries removed and underwent radiation and chemotherapy.
After a year and a half of battling it, they thought they destroyed it all. That was not the case. The breast cancer had metastasized to her hip, pelvis, spine, sternum, skull and liver. The cancer has eaten at her bones something terrible. She has had a femur rod inserted and hip replacement. The other hip has since broken and she just broke her shoulder.. there is unfortunately nothing they can do for her.
Her goal for the last 6 months has been strictly pain management. They had given her 6 to 8 months to live, but that was 10 months ago. She is such a strong willed individual with a fierce fight in her. She knows this F'n thing called 'Cancer' will take her someday, but "Not Today" she says. Not today.
Sounds like Mum and Faith are just as strong willed. The support you give each other has made the difference; I am sure of it. Having strong family and friends that stick by you, listen to you, don't try to sugar coat or solve your problems, is PRICELESS. I know that you already understand that, and this is just more babble from some guy in New Jersey, but somehow this is helping me too. Just writing and getting it all out. Let Faith know you lover her, same to you Mum-in-law.. and hang in there.. they need you. You're their Rock!
Cancer Sucks. I wish I could rid it off this earth, but I can not. I'll do what I can, and be there for those faced with it and battling it. I know you don't know me from Adam, but just know that you have one more person (in your corner) out there praying, listening (reading.. haha) and caring for you guys! I truly and sincerely wish you guys the best with all of this. If I can be of any help, please let me know.
Hey mate, thanks for this heartfelt and quite personal message. Clearly you understand, many do not I'd say and it hard to expect it unless they've gone through it. Some also never know what to say I guess also.
Reading about your family member was a little sad. I mean I can't but help think about quality of life and hope that she has some. So young too. Cancer is indiscriminate though.
Writing a few words helps for sure, me anyway. Also, comments like yours and the others, just a show of support, can mean much as well...Hivers have often shown their quality in this way which is why I feel vindicated to share stuff. I don't use any other social media. Hate it.
So yeah, we'll push on I guess. No choice but to do so. I worry about Faith as this is going to be very hard on her, and of course her mum also.
We do things together though.
Thanks for your nice words.
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Absolutly the reason I share personal stuff here too. My Hive friends were a huge part of my healing process with that recent loss of Pepper. Most are genuine and kind folks.
There's certainly bad-actors here, as in the real world, but in the main it's been a nice place to open up, share and get involved. If it wasn't I'd not be here. 🙂
ENGAGEtokens.Heart swelling with love for all the HIVE folk leaving wonderful comments here and many that I couldn't have said better myself.
Absolutely - it's amazing what they can do!
Sounds like your mother in law has CHOSEN LIFE - and taking each step as it comes. My parents did the same with Dad's - Mum would have her little private break downs but she was 'business as usual', dealing with each step as it came, and refusing to give up hope. I wonder if that's a survival strategy too. And they were given some treatment options that had risk of awful side effects including brain damage, but just refused to put their minds on 'worse case scenarios' as it didn't serve them. I admire them immensely for that. People facing death can act in extraordinary ways that beggar belief.
I think the doctors are for most part absolute incredible. The way they treated my Dad was just wonderful - they always were searching for best options, throwing them all on the table and thinking about it constantly, so when a trial came up that they thought would suit they were right on it, even though a week before one of the options was 'get your affairs in order' - something Dad has never forgotten. For all people can say about mainstream medicine, I bow down to oncologists and what they do.
Great to see your mother in law fighting and choosing life. I am sure she has also made her peace too, but until the last, it seems she'll fight, especially with Faith and you in her corner. Fingers crossed it all goes well, and love and strength and light whatever the path might be ahead.
I couldn't have said it better Riv, it's so nice to see people who take the time to care, and show it.
Yeah, life is the focus and she'll grab it with both hands. Also, as you say with your dad's situation, the doctors are, for the most part, incredibly good. Faith and her mum have been nothing but complimentary.
We'll see where this leads, an inevitable end I guess, but will live each day as best we can, support her mum and each other.
Thanks for your heartfelt message, personal story and kind thoughts.
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ENGAGEtokens.They are a strong binding mum and daughter and they will make the best of it to keep memories between them for eternity no matter what happens ♥️
Hey there, thanks for your kind words...Yes, I agree, they are strong characters and closely bound together. We'll make the most of the time we have and do it together. :)
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Your most welcome i can feel they have the fighting spirit together and they will make the most of it. Take care buddy have a great evening 👍
ENGAGEtoday.I think she has chosen the best of the three. Tough times and hard decisions to make though. Sending you the bro-hugs mate
Hey Boomdawg, thanks for dropping in.
Yeah, I think so too, as does Faith. It's not going to be easy and there will be tough times ahead for certain, but we'll go through it together and the most important thing for me is to give Faith the time she's going to want with her mum.
I'll take those bro-hugs mate... And try my hardest not to let my hands slip too low past your waist! :)
Life can be such a cock at times. She is lucky to have a big old rock like yourself with her. Just don't forget to take care of yourself too as all this is going on :O)
Thanks mate, with bro hugs from you how could I not be fine? 😁
Thanks though. I know you have been through similar difficulties, loss, and you're right, taking care overall is the way to go.
I appreciated how she fights for her life positively. She is still hoping to live longer than giving up. Respect her choice of decision-making will give you both peace of mind in case of whatever happens.
Have a nice day to the three of you.
Thanks for your message and I hope you also have a nice day.
Thank you too.
All I can say is to try to focus on the short term and enjoy every moment you have with them. The more you do, the better you will feel with yourself when you can not be together anymore.
I wish you all my best in the coming months.
I agree, it's a good philosophy. Doctors get things wrong at times too I guess, so best to focus on the present, each day and week, and let the rest take care of itself. Less chance for regret that way.
I think she is making a good decision and it is always est not to interfere in these things anyway and just be there whatever the choice is. It has been a strange year for our family I think with quite a few changes across the board. Hopefully, things start looking upward a bit more in the future. Send me best on, as always.
Yep, I agree with you on all counts. She's a strong lady and will push on with that as the underlying emotion. It's been a fairly torrid year for the family overall for sure, add in corona-chan and it's been all-round shit. Still, we're not giver-uppers and will make the best of the hand we're dealt, like always. I'll pass on your message.
I can tell you that they have made great progress with keyhole surgery and my gall bladder was removed with it, leaving only 3 little scars.
The keyhole surgery on my left knee has also worked very well and the recovery times are much shorter than open surgery.
Now I can tell you that my leg left was supposed to be amputated, in fact I was booked for it, but I refused to sign the authorization form for the op. That was in 1980 and I am still walking on my own leg.
The reason why I am telling you all of the above is merely to inspire some hope, as in fact that's all that we have.
Sooner or later a miracle cure will arrive for the big C and we hope that it will happen sooner for your mom in law's sake.
We know that you guys will give her great love and care and that is the very best that anyone can do during these times.
Stay strong for the women's sake my friend!
Thanks mate, we'll stay strong and keep focused on taking the best out of life, creating good memories and to keeping as positive as possible. :)
That is definitely the best way to go. You are good people and you will do good thing for and with her. One cannot ask for more.
In the meantime, life goes on!
Thanks mate, undoubtedly we will have some very difficult, probably confronting moments, to contend with but we do things together and If one is flagging the other picks up the slack and hefts the load - That's how Faith and I have always been. The end-result of all of this is going to be a terrible time for her, but right now it's all about life, making the most of it, and building some great memories.
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"Two is better than one, if the one falls the other can pick them up" I read this somewhere and it's very applicable in your case.
She has this time with her mother as a gift, as many others and me included could not even say goodbye. So go on and build the excellent memories my friend.
The best that you guys can do for now!
Thank you for the token and blessings to you guys!
ENGAGEtokens.Feel for you Mate no sad button on Hive though.
It was cancer that took my wife Yve a bit over 11 years ago now we had 7 years of it Opps chemo its OK, no it isn't, another opp, more chemo. Finally, it spread to her bones and liver, and the oncologist gave her 6 months max, we had 18 months and tried not to waste one second.
It's not something that I would wish on my worst enemy there probably are a few. There will be tough times ahead but do what you feel is right for Faith and her mum.
One of the big concerns is it spreading to her bones; That's what got my mum in the end, breast cancer then secondary bone cancer. Like you say though, it's about not wasting time, but knowing that tough times will hit. We'll do the best we can.
Hard times mate I hope the key hole operation will be successful.
Thanks mate, the good thing is there's options: The key hole probe-blasting can happen a few times if necessary ad there's always the tin-can operation if required. Unfortunately the end-result is somewhat of a foregone conclusion however it's not in her nature to give in so she'll just push on as best she can until she cannot.
Sorry to hear about you mother in law. Hopefully the keyhole thing works out enough to improve her quality of life for a few years. That's some pretty deep stuff to be going thru, stay strong and positive, it wont be an easy journey but you got this.
Hey Rebecca, (yes I know this isn't your name). 🙂
Thanks for your message. We hope for the best but understand where things are headed; Not doing so would be naive.
I appreciate messages of hope and people best wishes though, it reminds me that some people care in a world where many do not.
Faith and I will get this done, make the best of a bad situation and support each other and her mum of course also.
I hope you're well.
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My grampa had a similar fate, just do what you can and make some time even if it's just a phone call. Society has grown a little cold but there is still plenty that care!
I'm well, just came back from the mountains.
Ah cool, been in the mountains huh? I assume for a break, not work, although if it's work that's cool!
Yeah, you're right, society has become somewhat self-oriented over the years and will become more so in time; People care though, some of them, and it's those that really matter.
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ENGAGEtoday.These are indeed tough times and decisions the best you can all can do is spend the time well together be happy in the best way you can for what time and cherish the moments as they will stay with you no matter what you all need to stay strong ♥️
Thanks mate, it will be a challenge, another one to add to the list. We'll get through it though. Thanks for your kind thoughts and words.
It's unfortunate but that's life you have yourself a great weekend mate 👍
Thanks mate, I'm giving it a good shot. Seems to be working as I'm having fun so far. Have a good weekend yourself.
That's the way good to hear enjoy buddy 👍
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I wish her mom all the best with the laser surgery. She did well in thinking and choosing the option which felt better. As you have said, I am not good with words in such situation so I can only wish all of you just the best and hang in there!
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I understand that many just don't know what to say, it's ok. The fact you left a message is enough. It was a nice message too. 😏
Thanks😁
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