“Whenever I am in a difficult situation where there seems to be no way out, I think about all the times I have been in such situations and say to myself, "I did it before, so I can do it again.” ― Idowu Koyenikan
So there it is, the sun has set and despite my lack of enthusiasm for anything which this day had to offer initially – I am still here, be it barely… that is still more than not at all. I spent some time outside in the garden tending to the rooted cuttings I planted a little while ago, played with the dog… I swear, we have the Jack Russell version of Jock of the Bushveld - I cooked dinner and yes, there was mashed potato – because there is absolutely nothing like mashed potato to comfort a heavy heart.
I have literally spent the entire day still and thinking – probably a lot more than I should have, but sometimes this is a necessary thing. Had I been all alone, I probably never would have left the bed… but I am blessed to have two people around me who love, care and need me and that gave me reason to pull my shit together, get up and do something to get out of my own head – and yes, it was the best thing I could have done really, but let’s be honest… we all need a moment sometimes to “wallow”. It is an internal journey, a state of processing, realisation and acceptance. If we don’t afford ourselves such moments, we more often than not move forward with anger, resentment or bitterness at the steering wheel and this seldom yields good results.
Music, as you know well follows me everywhere, I listen and love pretty much every genre but today I needed peace… I craved calm as well as comfort and so… it has been nothing but country all day. I am a naturally anxious individual, so when I am emotionally stressed – I literally struggle to breathe – “gasp” for that deep breathe of satisfaction. It is a horrid battle, a vicious circle and one which spirals really quickly, mostly leaveing me in a less than comfortable position. Music, I have found is one of the most effective methods of countering it and today… my country music playlist worked wonders. All the other seemingly mundane activities played their role too.
I reflected a LOT on where I currently find myself, my actions, decisions taken, things which have happened within family as well and I came to the conclusion that I have one life – ONE! I am very much imperfect, but that does not make me any less worthy of being completely happy , feeling loved and appreciated and simply being able to sit back, smile and say at the end of it all… that I was blessed, I was loved, I loved in return and I made the most of it all! I want to make the most of it all… but I also realised through this contemplation that I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself to any unhealthy level – something I have had a really bad habit of doing in the last 40 years. I sincerely hope this is the last time I am plated this life lesson because it really is the most bitter pill to swallow. Best I learn it then I guess.
This week I plan to take a drive back to Cape Town and collect whatever I can possibly pack into my car. I will also need to pack the rest of the stuff into boxes and make arrangements to have it brought up here to country bumpkin land. It is a day I am not looking forward to, it is also not unfolding quite as originally intended – so it will be JUST my stuff coming up… my moments of contemplation today involved thoughts of this, my reluctance to face it and everything it involves - but also the acceptance that procrastination is never anybody’s friend… especially when it comes to emotional matters, so I need to get it done as soon as I possibly can – hard as it may be… It is the only way I will be able to feel at ease, put that facet behind me and focus completely on moving forward – close the book, turn the page, start a new chapter – whatever floats your boat. Until it is done, it will continue to loom over my head like an axe just waiting in anticipation to cut me down even closer to the root!
Damn man, life is brutal. Beautiful too, but shit! I am normally the person who puts wind under the wings of others, but I have realised that this does not mean that those same people will return the favour – I know this… wish it was different, but it is not. I have literally had four people holding me up through this all… my dad, my son and two incredible individuals from Hive. It has been hard... it still is… but this too shall pass.
“You are one thing only. You are a Divine Being. An all-powerful Creator. You are a Deity in jeans and a t-shirt, and within you dwells the infinite wisdom of the ages and the sacred creative force of All that is, will be and ever was.” ― Anthon St. Maarten
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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Hey I’m sorry you’re doing it tough right now. But I’ve got another awesome song to add to your playlist. Play it LOUD!!!
Sending love. Xoxo
What a beautiful fitting song. The power of music helps inspire us to deal with things that at the time seem impossible to overcome.
Thanks! Yes it’s very inspiring and such a good one when you need some encouragement.
I am so glad I am listening to this now and not then, because I would have been about 12 buckets of tears - now, I am listening to it from a slightly stronger point... a point where I believe it to be true!
Thank you love! Means the world to me!
Aaaah! I’m so glad to help. We’re going to build one mega playlist!!! Maybe it should be a blog post. 😘
I will be ok
It will be ok
All will be ok
All will be better
All is ok
All will be the best again
I can do this
And when you matra this ,
And
Just play that loud.
Untill next blog dear
Nothing quite like TINA to fix all the shite in your life.
Your words honey, thank you!!!!!
They mean even more now than they did when I wrote this post!
I love and appreciate you so very much!
I can completely relate to this. I guess we just have to accept it as part of life I guess. Am glad you summoned up strength and courage to do something on a day you'd rather not, shows how strong you are. Keep being strong, I assure you you definitely deserve to be happy
Acceptance is the only way we can grow... but sometimes, it takes more than a moment to get there.
Thank you for your reassurance, it counts for a lot!!!!!
It is in times of adversity when one sees their relationships clearly. This clear vision, for me at least, endures, changes and confirms things and provides impetus to move forward more confidently with those who showed true friendship when I spiral out of control. Just how it often works for me.
Having a few people around to lift heavy shit, to carry some load when one cannot do it oneself, is a wonderful feeling and it doesn't matter if it's one person or a hundred, just that it happens. People care Jaynie, clearly you see that and benefit from it.
This will be difficult, but no matter what additional emotional weight falls on your shoulders during the mission, you will still be you and that's all you have to be. You define you, not others or their insensitive, small-minded perspectives often based on their own self-loathing, fear, small-minded and hateful personalities. Nope, you define you. And those who see you clearly value you and will support you, openly and with vigor.
Take a step Jaynie, then another and before long you'll build up enough forward motion, your wings will unfurl, and you'll be flying again and then from on high you'll get right back to putting the wind beneath the wings of others. But stay in bed with the covers over your head too, when you need. It's ok to do that also.
Country music: Legit.
You know... for someone who FAR TOO FREQUENTLY refers to themselves as a "knucklehead", your "emotional intelligence" levels are quite remarkable. I think you deserve a toasty with sides :)
You're too kind to a
knuckle...fellow who just says what he feels.Toasty is singular. Toasties is preferable. [and sides too of course.]
Thank you for your kindness, it is greatly appreciated.
God bless you and everyone that is in your corner, also suffering because of your pain. When it comes down to it, certain people will always be there for us and these are the people that we need to center our thoughts on.
Great advice by your friends that have replied to this post.
Play music and turn it up loud.
So lovely to see you pop up!!!! and yes... BLASTING that awesomeness as we speak xxx