31 Days of October - Day 6

Sometimes shit just doesn't make sense. There are days you just want to wave your hands in the air, declare "Fuck it all," and walk away from everything. This wasn't originally going to be a "31 Days of October" post, but I'm at a loss for a good title other than a series of curse words growing in ferocity and, so... well.. fuck it.

This image epitomises my feelings.

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I've been in an increasingly foul mood lately, a mood which has grown noticeably. I have been unhappy, frustrated, and angry, primarily over things I cannot control which then makes me even unhappier, more frustrated, and angrier upon realizing that I shouldn't be feeling that way in the first place, because I can't control any of this shit. I'm stressed, behind on absolutely everything (Photo52 contest, anyone? I haven't looked at it in days, and I run the fucking thing) including my day job and side job. I need to start meditating again. Or smoking pot. Or both!

And then a day like today happens.

I am stressed, and angry, and a plethora of other negative emotions, but never once have I ever considered harming anyone.

We learned today that one of my oldest son's friends is in jail, arrested on charges of murder, which he confessed to. He confessed to it and admitted that he planned it with someone else.

He is 19. The girl was 17. I knew them both. So did my son. They were friends. I have video of them all inhaling helium at a party and acting like kids are supposed to act.

I'll repeat, I am stressed and angry, I go to bed angry, and I usually wake up angry, but for the life of me, I cannot think what would go through someone's mind to contemplate, and plan, a murder. There are two lives now that are gone, in addition to all the others who knew them who will also suffer; families, parents, friends, and the list goes on.

What the fuck?

My son suffers ADD and depression. He has been hospitalised for depression. Twice. And now in a fit of paternal concern, I need to be selfish and not focus on the destroyed lives, but on my son and to make sure he does not slip into a deep depression. Of course, this means that I'll need to put other things on hold, but fuck it all anyway.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. For me anyway. Probably not for the families involved. Or the friends. Definitely not the parents. I'm going to hug the boys - again - (even the one who detests it) and try to figure out not why someone would do that (it's impossible), but rather how I can take stock of myself and figure out how to calm the fuck down. Things are good. My children are healthy. My dog is awesome. The cats keep the mice away.

Yes, I know this has been a rambling post. My thoughts are everywhere right now and I don't know what to think.

But I do know that 19 year olds should not be murdering 17 year olds. Fuck.


(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe


About Me

Amateur photographer. Wannabe author. Game designer. I dabble a little in a lot. General all around problem-solver and creative type.

Founder of Photo 52 weekly photography competition.

Expert generalist. Jack of all Trades.

Dad.

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GREAT POST!!!

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Wow that is rough man. Very close to home so to speak. Hope tomorrow is much better.

Thanks. We're getting better, though still in shock. This isnt' something one expects to see outside of the news or stories.

This is incredibly sad, senseless, and you have every right to feel all the things you are feeling. 😢 I wish you well in dealing with your own anger and sadness, and helping your son through his. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, and your PHC family is always ready to lend an ear, if you need it... 💜

Thank you! It has certainly been an experience, and we're just on the periphery. Thankfully Joshua has been able to meet up with his counselor and get a lot of it off his chest. I can't even imagine what any of the parents must be feeling right now though.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
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Oh dear friend what a awful thing to do d out, but have faith. Have faith that your sons are different and talk about it. And hugs always help. I am sending a box 📦 of strenght and indeed family is most important, drop all
And do what parents need to do now, you will be guided and know how it’s supposed to be done
Good luck

Thank you. There have definitely been plenty of hugs this week. I think we're ending the week strong. Game night tonight! Hopefully the families involved will soon be able to heal, too.

Healing is a long process, but with a lot of listening and love we will get where we need to be eventually

A terrible thing has happened, your anger is justified but you should try to calm down in other to be available for the sake of your son. I wish him well soon enough

Thank you!

that is just unthinkable, wishing you and your son strength to deal with this

Thank you very much!

Oh man. I was just reading about Madison this morning before I tuned into your post. What a terrible tragedy. Your right.. more than one life was ruined and multiple others greatly affected. I went through a similar thing as a teenager with a friend that did the same. Although he did not plan the murder, he did take an innocent life while high. My parents talked about it with me and just told me how proud they were of me and my values. Told me that they are always there for me. It was just what I needed, being it was very hard to make any sense of it all. My maturity today can cope with it, but still not make any sense of it. A young mind is different.

I’ll be thinking of you all and am always here to talk. My heart goes out to this poor girl and her family. What a sad situation that unfortunately is going to drag out for a good while. So sad. Hang in there Victor! We all love ya man. Hug your kids for sure.

Thanks so much! It means a lot. Joshua has not been able to open up to me, but he did get some really good time with his counselor, and he's perked up a little after that. Time will heal Joshua. I hope the same holds true for the families and the parents. I'd be an absolute wreck if it was my children directly involved.

Ohhhh Victor. Dirty rotten dog damn fuck. That just sucks, a thing no parent should have to face. Hell, no human should have to confront that.

I got no words. Except maybe I know that everybody that knows those two will say something along the lines of "If only I'd have done xxxxx she'd still be alive." It's bullshit at best and a poisoned trap at worst. You or I or anybody can't be inside someone's head at the instant, there is just no way of knowing.

Look out for your boys, kick the dog, feed the cats to the dog,and just do the best you can. That's really all there is.

I'm about to kick the dog! Three days straight of needing out at 1:00am!

Yeah, there's no knowing what was going through anyone's mind. It's just a shame all around.

Horrible story! I'm so sorry. Not rambling one bit, perfectly coherent, for what that is worth. And you end with a joke. Joy is always within reach.

Thank you very much! We're making our way through. I hope the parents are doing the same.

Have been trying to get to this post all day! I am SO SORRY for the "place" in which you find yourself... I honestly have no words for "this world" anymore. Your son is blessed to have you as a father and I am sure that for him, knowing that he has you by his side is a great reassurance.

Your emotions are completely normal and 100% warranted - but allow them to "pass through you" so that you are better equipped for whatever ways in which your boy may need you in the upcoming days.

Such a terrible tragedy. I am so sorry that he had to be embroiled in the life of such a clearly disturbed youngster.

Sending you BOTH much love and strength Victor.

Thank you for the kind words @jaynie; that means a lot to me. A few days have passed, now, and my boys are sounding animated again. It's a good thing.

Perspective is an incredible thing. Had to pull our autistic son out of school for a fever, get him tested for Covid, reschedule both kids Dental appointments, quit my job, wonder where my unemployment is, and all sorts of other problems.

They all seem quite trivial now after reading your story. I'm so sorry this happened. All the bad things that happened in my life have turned into something positive. It sure took a long time though.

You know, I was thinking the same thing! Perspective is everything; my boys have issues, unhappy in life, so on and so forth but.. y'know... we're healthy. It sure counts for something!

We all have issues. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or ignorant. We don't all enjoy good health. 👍

Oh Victor, I feel for you, as I have those days quite often now (not the murder thing, though I seriously plotted to kill our "Team Member" in my Air Force basic training flight, he was an insufferable PRICK)
So much in our world and lives is out of our control now, here in the US especially, and I'm sorry, I think it is by design.

I've heard several preachers toss out the catch phrase:
We don't have a SKIN problem, we have a SIN problem and I'm sorry but I have to agree.
People are not being taught the sanctity of life, all life but especially HUMAN life, so it seems too easy for there to be cops killing folks over nothing, stupid murders like you've described, and ALL.THE.SENSELESS.RIOTING.AND.KILLING
Cheer up @wwwiebe, you are not alone. If I can help you, call on me.

Thank you so much! Definitely, so much senselessness, and I'm sure it was just a moment of sheer stupidity, too. One moment will now have a lifelong consequence for two families.

As one who has been close to suicide a couple of times, the thought of the pain I would have
Been causing MY family and friends, was one strong deterrent for me,
But when you are enraged and/or filled with despair,
Reason flies out the window.
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We can only hope that reason
Will return, eventually

I'm sorry to hear that your family is going through this hard time, I wish that everything would get better soon for you and you would get the strength to go on.
My best wishes to you, I send you a big hug.

Thank you so much! There have been plenty of hugs to go around here, for sure, even for the boy who doesn't like them.

What a tough situation! it is sad to read this, especially because they are young and when you have children you think what is happening with the world? But as you say, you should focus on your family. I hope your child gets better. A hug!

Thank you very much! Some things just don't make sense. We've had a lot of good family time this week, and more planned for the weekend. I think things are looking up here!

I'm glad to know that everything is going well on your side. Hugs and good vibes!🤗

So very sorry to read this, many things in life make no sense any more. I hope you and your family are able to come through this, such a senseless waste of life with wide spread repercussions.

Yep, for the rest of their lives. It's just senseless, but we at least are whole and making our way through it. Hopefully the families involved will be able to do the same soon.

Jeez! Sorry that you have to go through this. I hope your son will be able to go over this tragedy without huge scars. Hug them both two times and rest assured the sun will shine again. Life has a twisted sense of humour, always having a rainbow after each great storm. A big hug to you also and good positive vibes!

There have definitely been lots of hugs to go around this week! Keeping as many positive vibes as we can, and assuring them (and myself!) that there are still more good people in the world than otherwise.

Oh man, that's just so tragic! Still babies really, I can imagine your deep concern and anger as well @wwwiebe!
It's my firm belief that all this lockdowns we've all been going through is bringing out a load of negativity!
Praying that your son gets through this, I know all about depression having survived it, losing a brother to it, and the deep concern of a mother whose son is also trying to beat this horrid illness made worse after losing a special girlfriend to suicide. Not going to be easy, my heart goes out to all of you!

Life has taken a tangent and definitely not for the better, woman and children abuse is on the rise.

Psychologists say unknowns of virus together with lock-down, everyone is under extreme stress, even when we try not to show it.

So sorry to hear about this youngster, take care of yourself and the boys Victor, most definitely you need to be the one to sort out first to have the strength to help your sons.