Three years ago, I was still actively involved in academia. I was about to turn 20 and hugely passionate about making a difference in my surrounding. I didn't even have a platform nor any experience, all I had was courage and passion. And today, I will be sharing my personal battle, research, and my contribution to mental health awareness for the last three years.
Thanks to @naturalmedicine which attempts to bring awareness on mental health issues and helping me revisit some thoughts I had in the past regarding this. Mental health issue is something close to home and something I talk about quite a lot in a lot of my writings. It's almost a personal quest to conquer this black dog and finally win the war.
Brace yourself because this journey is going to be a bit long
My Journey of Contributing to Society| Helping is simple
Link : https://hive.blog/life/@macchiata/my-journey-of-contributing-to-society-or-helping-is-simple
Actually it should have been titled " How I created a safe space and kick-started mental health awareness in my university" or something better. But yes, that was my tangible contribution on mental health issues.
After the project kicked off, I noticed growing interest in mental issues and awareness. More discussion, more online forums, more conversation about this topic grew. But as it grew so was my own battle.
So, what did you actually do?
My idea was to create a support group where everyone can sit down and listen to each other. I was honestly inspired by an alcoholic anonymous which in my country, there wasn't any of similar project. I was aiming for individual who are dealing with depression to share their journey.
More than only a safe space, I began my research in understanding the perception of depression and mental health. As per my research;
it surprised me how people are actually joking and creating meme about depression and suicide. The more I researched about it, the more I understand that media plays a really important role in introducing so many new terms regarding mental health issue while also shaping people's perspective in seeing the depression itself.
My research was on " How the media shapes our perspective on mental health" because I come from a literature background, I could not do any further research that touched the psychology aspect of it despite having huge interest on that. I even managed to present my ideas in a forum which was great but overwhelming.
Fast forward, I presented my ideas in the forum and I got positive feed backs from the audience. I also had the chance listening people sharing their experience coping up with mental problems. Some were crying inside the room and the atmosphere turned to be gloomy.Then, I tried to crack some not-really -amusing joke but it helped cheering up people.
After I presented my idea, I began promoting my project in my faculty. It amazed me of how so many people were eager to join the community. So right at the day I turned 20, my project was launched and now it's still going on with more people are coming into the meeting every wednesday, sharing stories and their experiences while also empowering and supporting each other.
What did I gain?
I gained new friends though I don't talk to them anymore because we maintain anonymity due the materials and subject we were discussing. I also gained new perspective on mental health and met a lot of silent sufferers. It helped me cope with my own battle and knowing that I am not alone.
It has been growing and currently helping its member coping up with their daily life, well not only that I gained friends, but also I get to see so many different perspective in life. I simply wish that this project can grow more. So many people has suggested me to make it online so they could also share their problems anonymously but I still haven't got time and resources to build a simple forum.
But as I said, I abandoned it because my mental health got worse and I grew addiction to work. I also started traveling and leaving my school behind which now, I partly regret. I have love and hate relationship but it's often love more than hate.
What not to tell to a person with depression:
Talk to God, Your Depression Will Vanish Forever
https://hive.blog/life/@macchiata/talk-to-god-your-depression-will-vanish-forever
It took my mother three years to finally stop telling me to talk to her god. Because back then,
When I told my family, I suffer from weird thing that causes me to constantly think about dying, feeling worthless, inability to wake up in the morning, crying without a reason. They told me I need to go back to God and stop being lazy.
My journey of telling them was not easy either.
Honestly, It took me years to finally tell a family knowing already they won't help. I was right, they didn't. They were simply stating that they understood I was different.
When I tried to put myself in my mother's shoes, I think it pains them to hear that their child would prefer to die than to live. Thus far, she has been very compassionate and understanding of my situation.
These days, I don't focus on these things. I just drift away like a deadbeat waiting its time to actually flip the switch. I don't know what could actually get me feel better.
Embracing and Trying to Recover from Depression
In this particular piece, I talked about how I actually feel and experience dealing with it. I touch a subject of addiction which obviously, I had been there.
People like us constantly seeking for a way to cope from time to time. We get high off things which could make us forget either it’s morphine, weed, alcohol, cigarettes or any other addiction which most of them seemed to be harmful.
Thankfully, these days I am only addicted to caffeine. I don't think it's good either but better than something I had in the past.
In attempt to fight it all, I tried to find what might be the cause or habits I could change so I would feel better. Then, I wrote an article which could have been better phrased.
How to get a depression
https://hive.blog/life/@macchiata/how-to-get-a-depression
Most articles I read were about to minimize the depression or avoid it but barely any that discusses about how to be more depressed. In short : Isolate yourself, not working out, sleeping less, Feeding your brain with hatred and negative news, and more.
I think it should have been how to minimize depression because even today, I don't know what caused mine. If I knew, it would have been simpler and I would never even think about killing myself or attempting to do so.
Then....
This journey led me to Nootropics and Nutrition.
Apart from having depression, I also have history on traumatic brain injury with memory loss which something I talk quite a lot here as well. I would say my journey here has helped me recall a lot of memories from the past.
How I Eventually Rely on Natural Medicine
https://hive.blog/life/@macchiata/how-i-eventually-relying-on-natural-medicine
life was good, everything was fabulous. I learned things easily, I was able to focus and multitask. It was also easy for me to socialize- I was a social butterfly. Everything was smooth and simply like before. Except I was still neglecting my study and prefer to be working. I worked very hard while consuming the herb regularly. Life was easy.
This was the turning point of everything.
I got it and life was back again. I worked like I used to and I knew exactly what I had to do. It was very fun cause I was just turning 20 and suddenly presented with so many possibilities and capitals. With all those work and things I accumulated, something that lacked in my life was easily accessible. Friendship, things and love- I thought I could buy them all. Later I learned it’s not.
Nowadays, I learned that I was addicted and runs on high adrenaline to avoid my problem. When I stopped, I learned a huge lesson from that. But I love the feeling and the rush. These days, I am considering doing the same thing again whilst applying what I learned.
Why would I consider doing that again?
In response to @namik's question, Share how you are feeling I wrote this three months ago;
I put on happy face and tried to stay positive. But I couldn't help to think about suicide a lot these days. Even today, when I went out to get a meal, I was about to stay longer in the middle of the road but sanity prevails. I walked home thinking how it would be problematic for others and my close family if I committed suicide. I mean prior several years, I was never this suicidal but last and this year, it was just intense. I keep convincing myself these days that things will be fine and there are other ways to deal with everything.
My natural response to a problem was always fixing it. Yet, these days I just want to runaway or hide, or kill myself.
I have been doing the same thing. I try to get into more productive lifestyle, trying to study again but I fall back to my bad habit since sometimes I don't have the energy to even get up from my bed. I was never this way and that is the most frustrating of all. Knowing that parts of you change not for the better but for worse.
And What's even worse to me is that no matter how many of these so called brain mood boster and shit like that, it didn't help. Meditate, exercise, whatever pseudoscience prescribed for depression, I tried it all. It's still there.
I am willing to give it a shot once more time. Maybe it stays, maybe it goes away. It should have been easier these days as I understand and learned how to play the games about life. It's much easier to raise from a deadbeat to something. But yes, another thing I learned when you deal with depression is ;
Do your thing first before attending other requests.....
Brandon said a powerful thing that I failed to practice in my day-to-day life "Do your thing first before attending other requests". This particular advice is something I fail to practice. The moment I wake up, the first thing I grab is my mobile phone. Next is, I will be checking if I have a message, being mentioned, a new announcement, or someone asked me something- I am always quick in replying because a slight problem haunts me. Then, I will check my twitter to see what's going on with the world. Next thing I know, I spent 5 hours just scrolling and attending to other request instead of mine.Who benefits from this? definitely not me. Who will complain about failing something and unable being discipline? definitely me and the cycle will continue. This situation reminds me to Ayn Rand, who advocates " Selfishness is a virtue." in which on this context, I think it is applicable. Put yourself first before anyone else when you want to improve yourself. Think With Caffeine #1 : Perrenial Questions
This was it. Some small personal stories, tips and my contribution to mental health awareness. Writing this was bittersweet. I saw how far I've grown and lost these past three years. These days, I choose to talk less and less about this. Because the more I focus on it, the more I rob myself from living my life. But if you want to talk to me about it, you can reach out to my discord or my twitter. I'll try my best to be a good listener.
~ Mac
The first thing I said to my mother this morning was "I want to die". And then I start thinking, why did I say that? Is that really what I want? And I answer myself "Of course it's not what I want, I want to live, I want to do many things and I'm afraid I can't do them. Many people say I suffer from depression, but I'm not even sure. I think I need to change a lot of things in my life, exercise a little more, read other kinds of books, maybe stop watching horror movies, I don't know. At least a good coffee made my day a little brighter. Excellent post, Mac.
Asking yourself questions is a good way to understand and discover what troubles you. I do that a lot too. From my experience, I have been in many near to death accidents and even so, it can't shake off the feeling " I want to die" or " I don't want to live". It is hard for others to understand but it is what it is. Also, you are already in a good path, you know what you can try and now it's up to you if you want to change those aspects in your life. Anything is worth trying. Cheers Perce.
Thank goodness you are considerate towards your family members. I went to the morgue to identify the body of my late brother. It was a terrible experience and took forever to heal. Family members rarely recover completely from suicide aftermath. We think about him from time to time and regret about things that could have been done better and differently.
I am so sorry for your loss. I still consider my mom and think what would happen to her as she doesn't have other children.
thank you @naturalmedicine team <3
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I congratulate you for having the inspiration, courage, discipline and perseverance to carry out such an important initiative. It is these types of actions that heal the world, humanity and allow those who at a given moment are alone, with no one close to lending them a hand, to have a friendly space where they can find solace. It seems to me incredibly conscious and wise that you have lived the experience and seeing that it was "devouring you" you have had the courage to walk away. A big greeting and blessings.
Te felicito por tener la inspiración, el arrojo, la disciplina y la constancia de llevar adelante tan importante iniciativa. Son este tipo de acciones las que sanan al mundo, a la humanidad y permiten que aquellos que en un momento dado están solos, sin nadie cercano que les tienda una mano, cuenten con un espacio amable en donde encontrar solaz. Me parece increíblemente consciente y sabio, que hayas vivido la experiencia y al ver que te estaba "devorando" hayas tenido la entereza de alejarte. Un gran saludo y bendiciones.
Saludos ! y gracias por leer mi publicación.
De acuerdo. Me alegro de tener el coraje de alejarme aunque fue muy difícil. Otra vez, gracias y gran saludo y bendiciones.