Claire's Crazy Cakes, Bakes and Kitchen Hacks: Chapter 10 - Homecooking with Crack

Before you run off to social services, call the local authorities or try to find a way to send me creepy DM's on prices and shipping, let me insert a disclaimer. Despite the purposefully misleading title, I do not, in fact cook crack at home.... at least not the kind you're thinking of 🤣

Claire's CrackActual Crack Cocaine
Ingredients:Ingredients:
Chillies (assorted to taste)Whatever your dealer chooses to tell you: 99% not actual crack cocaine and mostly drain cleaner, or whatever they put in drugs these days
Pure fresh garlic cloves
Olive oil
Garden herbs
Claire's Crack: Side effects and stimulants:Actual Crack: Side effects and stimulants:
Increased metabolismpsychosis
increased immune defenceweightloss due to you spending all your food money on drugs
Natural antibioticJail
Natural endorphine stimulantDeath
Omega 3s and 6's...
Vitamin C & D...
F@#$$% delicious...
AddictiveAddictive

So, humour aside, friends of mine gave me this recipe (they're vegans, so lord knows they have to put lots of delicious stuff in their food, and it can't always be MSG). It is so incredibly good. Even if you're not a massive chilli lover, you can modify the amount of burn by how long you allow your final mixture to mature as well as which chillies you select and even your herb to garlic to chilli ratio.

I do not want to give quantities here, because it all really depends on personal taste.

My crack can be eaten literally on crackers, or used as a base for all kinds of dishes, from traditional Italian dishes to oriental and cajun-style cooking. Really, it's up to you to tweak the herbs and you can substitute the olive oil for a more subtle seed oil flavour.

"Claire's Crack" is a staple in my kitchen and once it starts sautéing in the pan, the whole family knows they're going to be in for a treat.

It is labour intensive, and horrible to get in your eyes, so make sure you use a sharp knife for fast, effective, fine and accurate chopping. The longer your fingers are exposed to the chilli, the more it will sink into your fingers. I have almost died trying to take my contact lenses out HOURS after preparing this. Other precautions you can take would be to wear latex gloves and to wash your hands thoroughly, taking time to soak them in lemon juice (it neutralises the chillies).

You can use it straight away, but you will find the flavour matures and changes after a week or so. I store it in the fridge. There are no preservatives, so if you don't use it in time, it will start growing mould. Do not be stingy. Put it in EVERYTHING and remember that sharing is caring!!

Stay tuned for more crazy hacks and recipes from my kitchen! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

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Awwww yeah! We love this stuff in our home! @clairemobey has been using this stuff in food ever since we started dating. Usually, a teaspoon or two will be just fine... except that time my dad cooked and used a whole container of the stuff and @merenludick needed to be fetched early from school the next day! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 !LOLZ !LUV !PIZZA

Shame man, ya that what happens when you don't taste test! 🤣🤣🤣 Oh dear. Poor Meren. Do not try that at home folks!

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He had skeletons in his closet.

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PIZZA! PIZZA!

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You humour is quite refreshing, and you should patent this recipe cos it'd be hold soon.

So let me get this straight; you choose chilli with your fingers and then put your hands in your eyes to remove contact lens 😲

!discovery 27

several times my dude, several times. The fun part is when a seed gets stuck behind the lense 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

Oh my days 😂😂

You're not an earthling are ya?! 😅

Sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh they'll hear you 👽👾

I'm not a big chilli person, but that looks amazing ! Now, if you could come up with a version that includes the weight loss aspect of actual crack, that would be even better 😁

Might have to make some of this up and try putting it on !PIZZA

It TOTALLY has a weight-loss aspect. Many, actually! The chillies speed up your metabolism which means you burn calories faster. The great flavor and the omegas from the olive oil also contribute to the feeling of being satisfied and the sting from the chilli actually prevents you from over eating. ❤️ Sold yet??

Definitely sold on the idea ! I'm a total wimp when it comes to chillies, so I might have to wrap my tongue in cling film or something, or start by making a mild version and work up from there (extra garlic is tempting, I'd make a terrible vampire).


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I think I will do that too. I love garlic, I love mild chilli but this one will make a food to taste good

The chilli gets milder the longer you leave it, but the flavour increases. It's super delicious. I actually allow mine to ferment a bit, to be honest. I don't know how good that is for you, but I figure the chilli and garlic will murder anything dodgy.

That stuff sounds lethal - a bit of lemon as well? Oh well, a glass of milk on hand solves most chilli burns!

The lemon is to neutralize the chilli residue on your fingers incase you touch your eyes or nether-regions 😜

It does taste nice when mixed with lemon too though, but it depends on what your cooking, so I wouldn't add it to the whole batch.

Also, some herbs are more versatile than others, like parsley. Basil would suit more Italian style dishes and fennel would suit well.. What ever the hell fennel suits.

Milk is the best cure for burnt mouths though, for sure!

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