Five paged essay is remarkable! Kudos on that. I also want to encourage you to still keep on writing your thoughts and not be hard on yourself at times.
One of my favorite quotes is 'Paper has more patience than people' -Anne Frank this has saved me multiple times each time that I have some doubts about wether I will write something or just load out my stressors on a piece of paper.
Aww thank you @tpkidkai, I guess there just was a lot on my mind. I really like that quote! I think she has a fair point. Most of the time I don't even expect an answer from someone, so I might as well write it down on paper then.