I was nominated by @kemi123 to join the Ladies of Hive community contest. I'm taking her up on it :)
My life, relationships, and work experience have brought me here as I share my experiences on mental health.
I've created a list of what I've learned when it comes to supporting and serving others. You can scroll down to the bottom for that.
Yet if you're curious, here's a little back story.
A picture of me sometime in the late 90s
I used to want to fix those around me who were struggling mentally. I wished that I could take all pain and suffering away. After all, I had won the "most likely to be an inspirational speaker" award when I was a senior in high school. Meanwhile, I refused to look at my own shadows. How there were so many times I would be asked "what's going on at home?" from teachers and friends, and my throat would tighten and I wouldn't be able to speak. How the scars and bumps on my butt (that I was painfully self-conscious about) didn't add up to "unhygienic practices and tight jeans" as my mother and pediatricians claimed. Only when I got older did I connect these physical marks to the beatings from my father.
The profound healing and transformation I have experienced in my life since that time has been made possible by the conscious choice to move into the pain that I'd been avoiding. The pain felt worse the more I questioned the beliefs that I had built to make sense of my childhood experiences. My beliefs were rooted in self-hatred and shame to even be alive. And these beliefs, as deep and unconscious as they were, would manifest in everyday, mundane experiences. Deep shame would occur if I made a mistake. I would be constantly stressed with the feeling that I needed to prove myself (because who I am was never enough in my eyes). Sometimes this would lead into a full out mental spiral. When I became aware of these beliefs, I felt a need to get rid of them. Yet with time, I realized that healing these beliefs were never about getting rid of them or seeing them as "bad."
“One evening Milarepa returned to his cave only to find it filled with demons. They were cooking his food, reading his books, sleeping in his bed. They had taken over the joint. He knew about nonduality of self and other, but he still didn’t quite know how to get these guys out of his cave. Even though he had the sense that they were just a projection of his own mind—all the unwanted parts of himself—he didn’t know how to get rid of them.
So first he taught them the dharma. He sat on this seat that was higher than they were and said things to them about how we are all one. He talked about compassion and how poison is medicine. Nothing happened. The demons were still there. Then he lost his patience and got angry and ran at them. They just laughed at him. Finally, he gave up and just sat down on the floor, saying, “I’m not going away and it looks like you’re not either, so let’s just live here together.” At that point, all of them left except one. Milarepa said, “Oh, this one is particularly vicious.” (We all know that one. Sometimes we have lots of them like that. Sometimes we feel that’s all we’ve got.) He didn’t know what to do, so he surrendered himself even further. He walked over and put himself right into the mouth of the demon and said, “Just eat me up if you want to.” Then that demon left too.” - Pema Chodron
What I'm learning is that we can either judge and blame ourselves when things fall apart, or we can see it as an opportunity to deepen our sense of what's really going on inside ourselves. Even fixing or trying to change our experience is a form of judgment. When I fix, it's largely because I perceive something as broken, and the brokenness requires me to act. Because we think that something is not right, something shouldn't be this way. In some cases, this type of thinking can be a strength. Fixing may help, yet it doesn't heal the whole self. In many cases, when it comes to matters of the heart like mental health, we deny and repress our own authentic experiences when we do this. Buddhist practitioner Pema Chodron says that when we are nailed with our own raw and vulnerable truth, we tend to suffer. All the denial, projections, and judgments can no longer hide our real feelings and needs which lie under our superficial perceptions. So how might we be willing to be in the raw energy of our discomfort and open to these deeper truths? I once heard that "when you have made good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly too." This means welcoming the uncomfortable and painful parts into our lives with grace, compassion, and dignity. And the right people in our lives can make a big difference in supporting this process.
Our primary relationship is with ourself. I believe that the depth of how in touch we are with our own mental health struggles is the depth that we can meet people where they are in theirs. Meeting people where they are means that I am holding space for whatever they need to be in that moment. Not that I am enabling any behaviors that aren't serving, but that I am not judging or trying to change who they are. Repression does not support healing.
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.
- Carl Rogers
Some say you often choose work that heals your wounds. For many years in the public education system, I worked as a paraprofessional trauma specialist and yoga and mindfulness teacher in inner-city elementary schools of San Francisco, and then as the wellness and restorative justice coordinator for a high school. I developed strong relationships with youth labelled all types of things: emotionally disturbed, sensory processing disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, severe ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, etc. In my time here, I witnessed countless incidences of violence, hospitalizing anxiety attacks, self-harm, suicide attempts, and more. Two of my close students ended their lives during shelter-in-place.
Learning how to hold space for their needs was not what I thought it was. It wasn't just knowledge of mental health "coping strategies" that I could teach them. And it definitely wasn't hiding my own struggles from them and pretending like I had it all together in the form of distant professionalism. What worked was creating a non-judgmental space where they could fully be themselves. Where they could come talk to me about anything and that I would see them in their humanity. It was about asking powerful questions that got them thinking about what they value and what they needed. It was about affirming the strengths and capacities that I saw in them right now. It was about sharing stories with each other to heal the sense of isolation and loneliness that occurs with trauma, mental health struggles, and societal disarray. And we know with many studies that when youth (or anyone) feel a sense of real belonging and connectedness, mental illnesses and incarcerations rates decrease.
With the youth, I saw clearly that much of the mental health crisis is a sign of the larger societal crisis we're in. We're taught to be disconnected from our true selves. We're taught to live through expectations, fit into society, conform rather than think for ourselves, and suppress our own needs to be accepted by authorities and those around us. And this impacts our daily behaviors, thoughts, and actions. This way of living diminishes our potential, and doesn't empower us to create a life that we want.
Because each one of us carries a story. A story that draws out who we are, in all our lived experiences and hopes of a meaningful life we want to create. Working to draw out their creative selves and their passions was critical in helping them shift their sole focus on their mental health challenges.
Here are some of the beautiful youth that I worked with. Each of them have helped me grow as a person in profound ways.
As I continue to heal, the scars on my butt have faded and are barely noticeable. I'm much more willing to be vulnerable and grieve, instead of shut down or escape. I recover more quickly when I find myself falling into a shame spiral. I've created meaningful self-care practices and hobbies that bring me joy. I've found deep gratitude for simple things and moments. My healing wouldn't have been possible without the people in my life that saw my struggles and spirals, and loved me anyways without needing to change or fix me.
Serving Others
I believe that support happens in context as every person and situation is unique. Yet here are some core principles that I value when supporting those in need:
- Take deep breaths as you support someone. People often unconsciously regulate off of the people around them. Showing up as a calm and grounded force can help them relax, and can also help you maintain your energetic boundaries (especially if you're an empath!) Deep breathing also helps you stay embodied to avoid intellectualizing their experience (being triggered isn't rational).
- Be present. Listen and hold space in non-judgmental ways. Normalize silence and pauses. When we are triggered, we don't respond to the present moment. We respond to the past until we don't. Being present invites people out of their past and into the present moment with you.
- Practice humility. Enter the observer mind that is without fixed answers or explanations. Instead, ask questions that invite curiosity about their process, not judgment.
- Support the hidden wisdom of messy emotions, as they point to our needs. For example, anxiety and fear show us that we need to slow down and pay attention to possible harms and threats. Grief shows us that we need to release stuck and pent up emotions. Our struggles can have important messages for us, and reframing our experiences can shift how we're perceiving the problem.
- Become a role model for those around you. Healing your past, developing meaningful self-care practices and hobbies, finding your joy and liberation. Lead by example. Working on ourselves can become contagious and inspiring!
What's worked for you all?
If you actually got to the bottom of this whole thing, wow. I'm so grateful for the time you took to read this.
"Some events and feelings remain raggedly unsettled in us, and we have to trust that they make our human system work better - who knows how? This may explain why not every one of our psychological issues can, or is meant to be fully addressed, finally processed, or completely resolved. Our assignment is only to let go of our relentless need to control our feelings and to keep granting hospitality to our story, with all its gaps in need of mending and all its griefs that have no tidy ending. What a complex and enigmatic challenge it is to understand and to become fully human." - David Richo
This is my entry to the #100 Ladies Of Hive Community Contest. I invite @ifarmgirl :)
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Impressive post. Normalizing mental health conversations is so important. I love how you consciously bring your experiences into the process of creating healing space for others. Also, you were a very cute kid: )
Thank you Mark! I kind of went ham on this post. Sometimes I feel like mental health conversations focus on fixing and easing discomfort, vs. holding space for what is and inviting people to be in their mess in empowering ways.
And yes, my grandma used to call me "Smiling Sun" in Mandarin because I loved to smile and laugh growing up. Haha :)
Very good your publication, the principles that must be taken into account when giving help to someone. greetings and blessings
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When it comes to matters of mental health, many deny to share and hide it. This is because we have been taught that these experiences are not valid, or are something to be ashamed of. We often internalize these messages, and as a result, we silence ourselves. This can lead to a feeling of isolation, and can prevent us from getting the help we need.
I love this so much. We all want to be happy, but life isn't always joyful. Discomfort and pain are inevitable, but we don't have to suffer. Instead, we can welcome these difficult experiences with grace and compassion. By doing so, we can learn and grow from them.
So much to say, but I'll come back and read more of your articles. Thanks for joining and sharing your thoughts !LADY
Btw, warm welcome to Hive and the ladiesofhive community ❤️ Hope you have a pleasant journey on the blockchain :)
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