There are days when the sheer reality of my daily here and now hits me, and I have to take a large step back. And sometimes I snort with mild hysteria. I'm doing what? Yes. I am caring almost full-time for my ex-husband's child by the next wife, while I'm also a 14 years financially-unsupported solo mama and running a full time business. Because we had an amicable divorce? 🤣 Errr no. 🤣 From sheer necessity. And due to the impact of Covid in the developing world.
I have to chuckle after 20 years living in Asia; whenever someone glibly says, "It takes a village", it's pretty darn obvious they have clearly never lived in an actual village. You see, an Asian village is not built on good vibes or familial feel goods, it it based on sheer economic necessity.
And so it has been in our extended Thai family. My ex-husband and his new Hmong wife weren't making ends meet even before Covid, despite both of them working. Several times we gave them money to start businesses, and each time things didn't go to plan. Poor education and low skill levels mean not much choice in types of work. Your cheap Asian goods over there in the comfortable first world are at the expense of living wages for workers here.
But since Covid, it has been brutal. After several cash bailouts and hearing-seeing how limited employment options are after almost 2 years of no tourism (in a country that has previously had 40 million tourists each year!), I came to the conclusion it would be easier and kinder to employ my ex-husband in my Thai business, so he could earn a fair wage and get social insurance health care coverage for himself and his son. Because he was working 13 hours a day for the equivalent of $15 doing Grab motorcycle deliveries, and then still faced with expensive motorbike repairs and no insurance, and endangering his son perched on the front of a motorbike all day breathing in fumes. His mother works at the Royal Project (fruit & vegetables) from 7.30am to 5pm 6 days a week, for the equivalent of $10/day. Her weekly salary only just covers their motorcycle payment.
And so I offered my ex husband a job, at double the rate he could earn elsewhere. And he refused.
Him: "I don't want to work for you."
Me: "Well I GET that and I'm not crazy about it either, but I need a worker and you need a job with much better pay. And better we just keep it in the family."
Him: "Ok. But I have no childcare and his mother works 6 days a week."
Me: "Ok. Just bring him to work."
And so it started. I employ my ex-husband and he brings his 6 year old son to work with him, every day, all day.
Thailand doesn't have ANY childcare for most people - only state government schools that are quasi daycare and take kids 18 months and up from 7am to 7pm for almost nothing. But the schools have been closed for nearly 7 months now due to Covid, and there are no alternatives short of sending your kids back home to live with Grandma. Only both my ex-husband's parents are deceased and his new mother in Law is a subsistence Hmong farmer who can barely feed herself.
And so little Mister 6 now comes to work every day and hangs with me.
He comes out with me when I'm running errands and paying bills. And he comes with me to the courier, and to airport cargo as I send off consignments of products.
I think of him as my little sidekick. And I try to find fun little jobs for him to do, in between all the other things I have to do and supervise.
Strangely, I rarely give a thought to his parentage or to the heartache that precipitated his father running off with a series of women and ultimately settling with his mother. It really, simply doesn't matter anymore.
Constantly people ask me if he's my son.
Gotta say it's exhausting running my business with a child under my desk all day, despite having raised my own daughter that way. I don't have the authority like I did with my own now-17 year old, and he's been raised with some totally different values. There's a lot of tongue-biting that goes on in my day to day now.
I've created a great toy box at the office and some things he enjoys, but mostly he doesn't know HOW to play alone. Which can be frustrating. Sometimes, from sheer necessity (like at airport cargo where getting run over by a forklift is a real risk) I have to give him a phone game to occupy him for a while.
He can't read yet and because I'm working full time, I'm really not in a position to read to him, nor to teach him much. But we HAVE created fun counting games in 2 languages for when we're out in the car, we name the colours in both Thai and English and we play a mean but modified game of bilingual "i Spy With My Little Eye"
Every 2 or 3 days, I structure my day to work on my laptop from the park for 45 mins or so. Chiang Mai has very few playground type of parks, but we've become devotees of all of them!!
End of the day treat for good behaviour? A yummy frozen coconut milk ice cream.
Today we received a notice from my daughter's school that in accordance with Thai government policy, all schools will remain closed for the remainder of the year. After 1st January, only fully vaccinated children will be able to return. It remains to be seen what the plan is for children under 12. Currently only Grade 3 and up have online classes offered.
Sigh!
As traditional societies break down but don't yet have the tax base to build infrastructure like public childcare, the "village" just HAS to step up. And yes, I AM now part of this extended family weird Thai village thing, where those who 'have' are expected to share no-holds-barred with those who don't. Even if we used to be married and he has never stepped up for me.
Until we address more inclusive, sustainable and comprehensive ways to live and work together, this childcare issue is only going to be compounded globally, as governments struggle with tax deficits and an inability to supply adequate care for children while their parents work. Please note: no unemployment benefits at all in Thailand.
So I'm doing my bit, as I can, despite my western-self occasionally having to pinch me hard and do a serious eye-roll.
Let it be said that I DO enjoy my little sidekick, that I'm learning to work incredibly efficiently to be able to make more time for him, and that it MATTERS that we care for and guide the village children, whomever their parents are.
Tired beyond belief most days, and stretching to be a better version of myself.
Get Your FREE Hive Account
I tell you what, you are a better woman than me!!!!!
Although to be honest in the end I would have done same, begrudgingly 🤣 I'm sure your influence upon the lad is a good one, lucky him. What a strange way the universe has sometimes.
I have come to it begrudgingly, too, over time. Asking for bail out money every few weeks for motorbike repairs etc etc makes me see how unsustainable all this "free delivery" culture is. And how it opens up a whole underclass of workers who literally don't earn enough to survive.
Ploi and I talk often about it and vent to let off steam. She feels pressure, and has been directly asked, to pay for her little brothers better education after she graduates. Sticks in everyone's craw, really. And yet the world is not changed by letting him grow up to be a Grab delivery driver too.
The opportunity of education and childcare is one denied to much of Asia. It sort of sucks if I spout fair trade and opportunity for my workers but deny it to my daughter's half brother. I often think to myself that I probably need to reread the Power of Now - to release the story-context, cos ultimately it is that that causes the grief, not having a 6 year old underfoot.
YOu're a wise woman, Marike. I"d be so begrudging and find that story context hard to let go. I'm sure you are as well, but as long as you are working on it, you're doing all right. What else can you do, as you say?
It's often strange where life takes us, yet thank heavens this boy has you in his life.
I was thinking just recently how despite the clashes and problems we've had in the past, I'm ever grateful that we didn't do what many families do when they disagree and cut one another out of their lives. We've always done our best to work through problems and I'm glad of their support as we face uncertain times.
I didn't so much cut Ploi's father out of our lives, as he chose to remove himself, didn't make contact for years and married someone else. The divorce was required for visa reasons. Ultimately I'm back to being the "first wife", semi-raising the child of the next one, for the sake of the children and because I think forgiveness works better than animosity. As much as it sticks in my throat some days.
It's still actually very common in Thailand for men to have several "minor wives" and for the whole clan to live together, mostly for economic reasons.
Well done you for being able to ride out the tough times cos yes, in the end, no one wins from divided and destroyed families.
It can't be easy. I recall my sister making a lot of effort to keep her son's father's side of the family in his life, despite animosity and little help from the father. It's for the sake of the children, in the end. It's no fault of theirs that adults have made the decisions they have. As a teen he ended up choosing not to keep contacting his father and his father made no effort, so they went their separate ways. Gosh, what women have to push through...
You display amazing strength and seem to be proving to be quite the matriarchal figure.
I wasn't aware of that. It's not a concept we're familiar with any more in the western world. Indeed it would be frowned upon most likely if anyone chose to live that way, which they do, on occasion.
LOL I only just turned 58 - don't wish the "matriarch" tag on me just quite yet. 😆
I just turned 46 and am attempting to accept my impending cronehood as motherhood comes to a close! I don't mind trading my time, though. 🤣
I think it´s great, that he has the chance to tack along with you.
He will learn so many things and maybe become an entrepreneur himself.
Haha yes, I hope he learns more than just some English from me, but learns to see how we choose to live, and why. Mostly that he sees that the situation of his birth doesn't change how much people love him and want to support him to grow and thrive.
Great post! Very interesting insight to a culture so unlike my own.
However - "where those who 'have' are expected to share no-holds-barred with those who don't"
This, as a Westerner, just seems blatantly toxic and horrible (from my perspective). It reminds me of the Icarus Effect, where society tries to drag down whoever dares to try to succeed as an individual. I wonder - do you think that this ultra-collectivist mindset reduces motivation for individual financial success?
Strangely, while I can see your point about ultra-collectivist behaviour, it simply doesn't work that way. Because the society collectively values "no one left behind" and is built on Buddhist foundations where materialism is not the be-all-end-all, there is great status to be had by voluntarily helping someone who needs it. Indeed, individualistic, me-first behaviour is considered blatantly toxic and horrible.
Culture is a slippery thing. Have you travelled much - as in LIVED for extended periods in non-western cultures, rather than doing a 3 month nomadic-western drive through? It's quite the eye opener! And recommended.
Ironically my own half-Thai daughter is motivated to succeed financially for many reasons, but a BIG one is to be able to help less fortunate members of her Thai family. I might add that she is the major shareholder of our company. 😆
Perspective is everything. Appreciate you sharing your perspective - thank you. 😊
Right, I'm hardly a shill for crony vulture capitalism, where the motto is "dog eat dog, even if he's not hungry". Extreme individualism is a disease of its own.
I suppose, that with most ideologies - it works so long as the people are in the same mindset. I would likely find myself distancing from such a mentality (and I have a Filipino friend who moved to Canada for that reason), but then again - I'm a product of my culture.
No, not really - I moved to Israel 10 years ago from the Netherlands, which is still a Western culture, even if on the surface it seems to be different. So no, I've always lived in the West one way or the other, though I've been exposed to foreign cultures (Soviet parents and all that) vicariously.
You half-Thai daughter is probably an example of culture shaping perspective, like you said. Anyway, it seems that you've really found your place and this was an interesting insight! I might go around to read your other posts too, then :) Cheers!
What a situation you’ve had to work through but the good thing is that you chose to work through it. You saw the need of working together and in the midst of that you have gained a little sidekick whom I’m sure will look back on this when he’s older and fully understand and appreciate the sacrifices you made for him and his family. It takes a lot of strength and patience to do what you’re doing and I really commend you for that.
Do you get enough rest? Seems you hardly have time for any relaxation. I hope you are able to fit in some pamper time. Doing all that you do definitely calls for some refreshing ~
Do I get enough rest? Errr no. Touché and well spotted. Good insight to make and receive - will think about how I can carve out some child free hours somewhere.
Strength I feel I have in spades full - patience not so much some days.
Appreciating your comments and stopping by. 😊
That's good to hear you will try to carve out some time. I hope you're able to! 😉🤗
Lucky boy and a person representing divine love. Covid has afflicted so many families, especially if in a country that doesn't have good support. Low-income people and children are most affected, I see mental symptoms in many people. Your ex-husband will be very grateful to you
I think you know at first hand how hard Covid has hit south east Asia. And yes, maybe the little dude is lucky. Lord knows there are so many children falling between the cracks with schools closed for nearly 8 months now. My ex-husband's gratitude is something that sort-of doesn't matter anymore - just would like his son and our daughter to have some better role modelling about how adults should behave after a break up, and how communities should and can pull together.
Appreciate you reading and commenting. 😊
"You are one of a kind!" is all I can say. It takes a lot to be able to do what you're doing for your ex's family.
In Asia it's really common for the "first wife" to support the children born outside of the marriage. So in a way I'm NOT one of a kind. Perhaps only so in that we're legally divorced. But yup - some days it takes a lot of coffee. 😆
As I was reading your story, I just wanted to congratulate you for your initiative to offer your ex-husband a job and take care of his son, that's amazing, the world needs empathetic and proactive people like you. Thank you for that. Your little buddy has a great opportunity to learn with you and you can learn from him too. I hope you will always find a way to have fun together without it affecting your work.
Finding ways to have fun together is the easy part - getting my work done so we have income too pay his father? LOL - the challenge.
Appreciating your support so much!!
Wow! What a hectic life! Stay strong and healthy for all these tasks! LoL
LOL... yup - super mom needs to be super healthy!! So many Thai families have this problem - only then when they appreciate Thai grandma giving the endless free childcare.
Hope all is well with you down in BKK.
Appreciating the online sisterhood more than I can say. Thank you.
Que buen trabajo realizas amiga, es una labor bendecida🤗
Thank you for stopping by @celinae - Welcome to Hive!! 😊
Muchas gracias por su bienvenida ☺️ aún estoy aprendiendo!
ooh dear, you are doing great work, may god bless your son with all happiness and success in life. Even i wish covid go away soon, as it spoil every body career and peace. You post make tears in my eyes, you are doing great great commendable work. Thanks for sharing...
Thank you so much, @gargi He's not actually my son, per se, but yes, I wish him all good things too and am prepared to put in some effort to make that more likely. Thanks so much for stopping by.
Ay ay ay I just cringed , you definetely have a lot of inner strenght to do this, so many women would have said bye bye have a safe road , what a hard task you have taken upon yourself! I really admire you because this is something I suspect I would not have been able to do, although I like to see myself as a good person.....
The mentality of the village...well, there is some truth in it. But I believe in putting the needs of the individual first . I mean you can't pour from an empty cup.
It is sad that some men are so iresponsible, spreading their seed wherever they go, without thinking about the fact that they can't be a provider. I don't know what to believe about people who act like this. You have handled very well a tricky nerve wrecking situation.
I hope that you will also take care of your own heart and soul. Because it matters.
Putting the needs of the individual first is really only possible (a) if there are safety nets for food-imcome-shelter or if you are callous, unfeeling or uncaring if there aren't. Ultimately my own daughter will judge me too if I let her father and brother starve. So it's never quite that simple.
The different cultural values sure do stretch me personally though!! On a good day I mutter a lot.... 😆 Great advice to make sure I keep my own cup very full. 😍
Yes, I understand that the situation is far more complicated than it seems. It just appears to be very hard from the outside, you have some super hero skills to be able to put up with the situation mentally.
I hope you take care of your own soul as it is easy to reach burnout
The rewards earned on this comment will go directly to the person sharing the post on Twitter as long as they are registered with @poshtoken. Sign up at https://hiveposh.com.