Sorry not sorry. I'm not gonna apologize for what I'm going to do and what I'm not going to do with my body. And I'm not gonna apologize for what I'm about to tell you either. I know you want me to be just like you, just like her, just like them...but I just can't. The thing is only I know what's best for me. What's best for my life. And this is my story.
I decided early on that being childfree is what's going to make me feel content despite what my loved ones, relatives, friends, FB friends, lovers, ex-lovers, strangers, people on the internet, neighbors, random men tell me, you know, all these people who think they have a say on what's going to work in my life. The life they haven't lived.
Okay so this post should have come with a warning because I know that we're a bit divided on this topic. I have my personal reasons and I'm sure that if you've been through the same hardships you might or might not choose the same path too. Who the hell knows anyway? You do YOU.
I know parenthood is considered as sainthood and the be-all and end-all of our existence. While us, independent childless women are witches. I mean it can be difficult to be witches too hey! All the judgment and persecution you get for owning your own body, for living alone, and for being outside the rest of society. Mind you, I didn't get some free check during the "germ days" considering they heavily taxed my black magic stuff. I was, at the end, still a helpful witch.
As I get older, I feel more isolated than ever, like I don't belong in this culture at all. If you grow up in an über patriarchal society then you know exactly what I'm talking about. The truth is, I can't be a mother. I believe that I can't be a good mother. Yes, you heard that right. How do I know? I just know. I just know that if you are not ready or you just absolutely don't want to do something, then you just don't. Because if you push it, either you will suffer or those around you will suffer. I suffered.
I had seen death as early as 3. When my Dad passed, I was neglected as a child and my own mother fell selfishly into years and years of untreated depression. Nobody else existed in her life. Nothing else mattered but our own survival. Not only I was left to fend for myself, I was also abused emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically. All kinds. I wasn't enough for everyone that resulted to my low self-esteem. I wouldn't wish this fate on my worst enemies. It was just years of torment growing up wishing I wasn't born into this kind of suffering that I didn't deserve. I basically had no choice but to put up with the everyday toxicity in our household until I could get out of the bondage and be able to live on my own. That was my hope. Well, I was already on my own even though physically I was still living in "our house". There was nothing I wished at the time but just to be able to get out of the misery. When I finally graduated from college (out of my own hard work), I was finally able to live on my own but the scars stayed and the ghost of the past haunted me.
For what its worth, I had to be strong all the way. I don't even know if I like how and who I am right now. There are many times I wish I'm not here writing this but I always think there's some kind of redemption and that things will get finally better for me. We all have one shot in this life anyway. I just want to heal and be well. And not hurt those around me just because I was hurt. It is not easy especially if you grow up around those who were supposed to take care and protect you. But, for some unknown reason, there's this "invincible summer" in me. Something that can't be killed that easy. Something good.
I see my cousins had it easy. I don't envy them because I know there are things that also imprison them. At least they are not retirement funds, my uncles have actual money. See, in my culture, I'm supposed to help my parents. We are basically considered as "investments" and "tools" to make them happy. I got that alright. I was supposed to help and get ourselves out of our unfortunate circumstances. I didn't mean to leave my sister with my mum. But the thing is, I just couldn't find the motivation. Sure, it would have been easy to be a caregiver if there was moral and emotional support in there. I can understand the lack of financial means but at least a bit of gratitude and love... you know, basic human needs. Later on in life, she expected me to provide for her and all that. My sister was the better daughter and stayed with her. I'm not sure if there are parents out there who neglected and tormented their children and yet still expect them to provide them good things and a nice life. Call me a bad person but I just didn't feel good at all. I just couldn't do it. Forgive me but it was just hard to be a saint.
Perhaps had my life been different, I'm 99% sure we would have a very nice life due to my hard work and perseverance just like my friends who "made it" and bought nice houses, cars, and helped their parents. I knew I'm very capable of all of that but there was simply no motivation for me to do this at all. I had not have a heart for it. Can you really blame me? All I ever wanted was just to escape and never return. This is why years ago, I quit my job, left the country and traveled in a "poor way" around without an absolute care in the world what's going to happen to me. I didn't plan to have a good life or a good future anymore. I was a mess.
Most people where I am will say, oh but she is still your mum? I get that but sometimes I just have to do what is best for me. If I'm not this selfish, I would have died long time ago. I knew back then that this life was already too much for me. But here I am now. I survived. A few years ago my mum passed suddenly and there was no closure at all between us. For a while, I felt some guilt for what could have been and what could have been done. For all the love that was not given. I've already forgiven her and myself and all I can do right now is to focus my love on those who are still here with us. Me and my sister's mission right now is to help our aunt and uncle who are also childless and had no opportunities for "retirement fund". I've given myself a new purpose. They were so good to us when we were little and I just want to give all the love that I can give while I can. And while they are still here.
When women decide to have kids out of parental, peer or societal pressure, they might end up resenting their kids or kids resenting them. And I felt this strongly in my life. And believe me, we already have enough people with bad breeding due to bad childhood and incompetent parents. Some make their way out of their past and become better version of themselves. Unfortunately, some don't. Some even end up as killers, criminals, bad politicians, psycho killers, mentally disturbed individuals... Nurture not nature? I think it is important not to do something in your life that you absolutely don't like. Don't do something out of societal expectations. Try your best to be strong enough to live your truth.
The good news is that I didn't become like one of those criminals in Mindhunter, thank Gawd right? Don't be sexist though, I can be a cute female version of those diabolical killers. Seriously, I just try to become a better version of myself even though I can be diabolical at times. My life story is basically the reason why I decide to be childless and free. Perhaps I wouldn't be like her but I know deep down when I don't want to do something. I do not want to end up resenting my kid, myself, and most of all, I don't want my kid to resent her own life. I've seen it all. But don't get me wrong, I have nothing against those who choose the normal pattern in life, we all have our own stories to tell and we are not to judge others for their own choices. We all wear our own masks and we sometimes have no idea what people have gone through or are going through in this life. So let's be nice.
As for me, at this stage, I feel like it is actually cheaper for me to save for an actual "retirement fund" than send kids to college. Or save for Switzerland or somewhere else where it is legal to "pull the plug". If I can live life my own terms then I can leave on my own terms too... Peacefully, pain-free, and finally happy.
This is my first post to the Ladies of Hive community and my official entry to the Ladies of Hive Community Contest #105
I would like to invite my glamourous long-time follower @artedellavita to participate in this cool contest.
Photo sent from my not so fancy Android phone
Your opinions and what you love matters in your life. What people are doing and what people are meant to do(like the believe that all women are meant to get married and have kids) shouldn’t be your concern and I am glad you didn’t let that do.
Do things your way and stay happy,that’s all that matters😊.
Welcome to ladies of hive,sending love❤️🥰
We all do what we need to do. You know yourself best and others can accept that or not. It doesn't matter what they think. Thanks for sharing!
I agree, thanks for dropping by! 🙏💯
🤗💜
The best part of living is living on your own terms💕
🙏💯
Whatever you decide with your life is the best choice.
*-Good morning! You are a strong woman, a very responsible independent one with a good heart! Respecting and accepting our limitations is a great step toward a peaceful and smooth way of life! Good luck! Have a blessed day!🍒🙏-
🙏Thank you☺️
Living life in your own terms and not getting affected by the noise or chatters of people around you might as well be the best way to live. As long as you're happy with what you do, I don't think there is anything wrong with it.
Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story :)
Truth! Thank you.
🙏
You're very welcome and have a great day :)
You have your own reasons for thinking and being the way you do, others will not understand that.
Greetings
Hell0 @diabolika
Welcome to Ladies of Hive.
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Good luck with the contest, and
Thank you for sharing.
I don't think you should have kids because it's what people do. I don't think you should do anything because it's what people do. It's got to be one of the dumbest, most childish reasons I can think of, a sort of ascribing away your responsibility. Why bother figuring yourself out, and carving out your own path when you could just follow the herd?
You shouldn't have to explain to anyone. No one should. Married or unmarried, with or without kids. As long as you find peace in your choices in life, that should be all that matters (both to you and those around you).
Truth!
Darn good thing we didn’t move to ‘cheap-rent’ Montreal and have wine and cheese parties and make babies! I don’t think I could handle leaning French.
Is it Diablo-friendly tho?🐈⬛🖤
I don’t see why not and The Old Gods have a way of getting across borders!
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