Trigger Warning Violence & Suicide
I find myself writing for the latest Ladies of Hive prompt at the invitation of @deraaa even though I'm not sure I'm a lady to be honest.
I swear far too much and have an alter ego I call “Nick” who's definitely more of a boy than a girl. I dress like a boy too, some days. The days I'm feeling more vulnerable and can't handle the inevitable sh!t I get when I walk down a street looking like a woman.
I also consider myself non-binary and fluid.
Girls also wanna have fun
Boys have more fun in the society I live in because they have more freedom in every possible way. It's just not safe to wander around at certain times or in isolated areas generally for us gals in South Africa.
In addition boys are trusted more easily and are offered a greater variety of, and better, opportunities.
Please don't bail just yet, guys... there's something for you here as well.
Women in my society are largely, subconsciously, believed to be less honest, less reliable, more greedy and predatory (gold-diggers), less emotionally stable (f*ck you, Freud), too dramatic, outright crazy birches (@tengolotodo - sorry.. no time to explain 😆), generally less intelligent human beings...
and are pretty much treated like sh!t, quite frankly.
I mean... if you prefer to be respected and treated as an equal instead of just being pretty, marriage material or hot and f*ckable.
This is how bias works. And we all have it. And this "idea" of women is deeply and insidiously ingrained in the western culture I live in. And I'm sure largely globally as well.
Still. in 2022.
Seriously?
Not to be one-sided... our boys and men have the same ridiculous pressures.
So I don't get pissed off when people try (good luck with that) to get me to fit into their little boxes anymore.
What society does to our boys. So sad...
But us gals
If we moan about male privilege (or outright entitlement and abuse), or if we make a scene...
we are metaphorically not picked to dance, often ostracized or we get the sh!t kicked out of us physically at worst.
Good girls don’t make a scene. Good girls don’t cause trouble y’know. Good girls smile and are “nice”. Good girls behave themselves and keep quiet.
There was a time I allowed people to treat me pretty badly because I was taught to be "nice", to be gentle and submissive and to smile if I was being disrespected (or even hurt) instead of saying a firm no!
And there was a time when I had no idea of who I even was because of gender stereotyping and the pressures of society to conform to such...
or what love really was either because of all of the above and more.
These days, while I’d love to meet a fellow traveler with the same perspective who'd sign up to be my forever partner and team mate…
I’m no longer willing to compromise who I am to be in a relationship.
Sure, relationships are compromise. Like where shall we eat tonight compromise. Like could you own your own stuff compromise.
What relationships should never be are a compromise of your core principles and values.
Or the essence of who you are and what makes you thrive.
The end.
And to any guys who've found this, and made it this far, I'm talking to you too.
I don't like being treated any differently so I'm guessing you feel the same way? And I’m no longer interested in anything that separates and causes acrimony between human beings anymore.
I believe in equality and that goes both ways for me. In full.
Personal accountability on both sides.
No more pointing fingers or nothing will change.
I have a daughter to leave in the sh!t storm we've created that we called "modern society". And I also have a son and know full well how stereotyping and bias affects our boys very negatively as well.
And when it comes to online dating and scams, which are basically emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships, with the financial abuse only being one part of the abuse...
the statistics are roughly equal gender wise.
Yes you read that right.
There is a roughly 50-50% split between male and female abusers and male and female survivors.
Only most men don't report their abuse due to the stigma involved.
Sadly most women don't either due to the gender-bias.
And often neither gender gets the support or assistance they so desperately need because of this and, also, because of a lack of real understanding of how emotional and psychological abuse actually "works".
@deraaa has explained what to look out for in toxic personalities beautifully.
Well done. And for someone so young!
This really gives me hope that our next generations of women (and men) are going to be more educated on what love FEELS like instead of some ridiculous Disney concept of love that is pretty dangerous to be offering young minds at all.
Excuse my lack of diplomacy here, by the way.
I don't mess around when it comes to mental health or addiction.
Or possibly saving lives.
So I’ll share some thoughts on what I, today, think is more along the lines of real love as well at this point.
Because real love becomes a choice at the end of the day.
Sure there are always the butterflies in the beginning.
But once the passion wears off at between one and two years -
...because it’s actually all neuroscience really (sorry to ruin the romance)...
and once your own personal psychological projection of who you think the person is wears off at around the same time because you literally sober up (those pesky, but delightful, neurochemicals!)...
you’re left with someone that you really need to like and thrive with, if you’re going to stay the distance in the relationship.
So you’d better make sure that you have found your bff.
Seriously.
Butterflies or an anxious stomach can be sensations associated with the fight or flight reaction as well (low level anxiety). So what you think love feels like may actually be fear and Adrenalin, due to developmental and/or relational trauma. And even stressed parenting accidentally causes this trauma.
Mental health and addiction in the family, or even stressed parenting, result in attachment problems and are instrumental contributors to so called "toxic" relationships.
And addiction.
Abusive or toxic relationships are also a form of addiction.
You get the same "highs" and "lows" as you do when you're "using" drugs, alcohol or addictive behaviours.
Toxic relationships work on the same area of the brain as addiction to alcohol or substances. Toxic relationships kick off the exact same "cycle of addiction", including the same neurochemicals and "reward" system, as any other "drug of choice".
This is also why these relationships are so difficult to leave!
In addition, the abusive cycle of love bombing / promising change and offering hope...
and the "discard" / abusive stage, creates something called "trauma bonding" which makes it very difficult for a victim to break free psychologically.
So please be compassionate with yourself, and others, if you/they are "stuck" in a toxic or abusive relationship.
On stressed parenting and early childhood development
About love
If you feel safe and comfortable when you are with someone - do more of that. If you feel nervous and edgy...
That's a no.
Love is supposed to be nurturing, supportive, warm and safe ❤️
So now we start to consider real love versus toxic relating/attachment styles due to developmental trauma.
An anxious attachment style and an avoidant attachment style will drive each other nuts, for example. Sometimes literally!
Nobody's fault. Two individuals who ignite and trigger their early developmental trauma in each other.
Yes. their behaviour can become abusive at times.
But it is triggered, unhealthy reactive behaviour.
In other words, it is not calculated.
But it can be a very "toxic" relationship and, I'd suggest, best avoided unless BOTH partners are working to resolve their personal trauma individually. And probably as a couple as well.
Unless you enjoy high drama, conflict and chaos.
(I personally find it exhausting and unproductive)
Then what is abuse?
We all have abusive traits at times, if we don't practice conscious relating.
The difference is...
a proper abuser, narcissist or sociopath's main goal is power and control over a target.
And they'll use a variety of well known tactics to break the target down mentally, physically and emotionally to gain total control of them over time.
This is also what happened in "The Tinder Swindler", by the way.
If the the documentary was an honest depiction of events.
And the next trailer below is to show you the effects that emotional and psychological abuse have on people mentally and emotionally.
An abuser will use the exact same tactics that appear in this remake of a very interesting experiment at Stanford university.
Gaslighting (denying events and conversations); sleep deprivation; splitting the group - making people the next "target"; isolating the victim; threats to them or their loved ones; smear campaigns to remove support; humiliation; removal of property; physical and verbal abuse; and more...
it's all about power and control really.
Very similar (if not identical) to the behaviours of the "guards" in the experiment.
And you'd be surprised at how common this type of abuse is.
Most victims either don't know what is happening to them, or their experience is minimized and misunderstood when they try to share what is happening to them due to lack of education on this type of abuse.
You add gender stereotyping into the mix and people's lives are at stake. Many victims end up with serious mental health challenges or commit suicide in desperation. Again... this is common.
I include the trailer to give you some idea of how destructive psychological and emotional abuse is...
The Stanford Experiment was called off before it's completion due to it becoming dangerous (mentally and physically) for the participants. Take note of the line "...because nobody likes guards". Can you make the connection here?
For those who don't understand how serious emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships are to long term mental health. Most people never fully recover. *trigger warning
So it’s great to know what to look for in potential partnerships.
Both the positives traits and the "red flags".
But what got me to write this post, despite this content being really difficult for me mentally and emotionally to share with people at times, is something some people may not entirely like too much.
But I’m gonna say it anyway because some of you are going to need to hear this and it may well save your life.
If anyone really wants to stay safe from predators online (or offline), then you have to completely stop focusing on other people’s behaviour and turn your focus entirely on yourself.
In short... you have to own your sh!t big-time and heal yourself first.
Healthy people don't become targets
Because if you are healthy those red flags will be a turn off anyway.
And if you need to be told what to look for, or keep attracting partners with abusive or toxic behaviours who are high on the scale towards sociopathic (low empathy and emotional response)...
it is partly your "fault" as well.
But only in the sense that you’re subconsciously choosing abusive personalities as much as they are (frighteningly) very consciously choosing you.
Yeah - you read that right.
You choose them just as much as they choose you to engage with.
But it also not your fault because the reason people are attracted to toxic or abusive personalities is usually trauma related as well. And targets/victims usually have one specific maladjusted behaviour in common.
Specifically the “fawn” reaction. (people pleasing, to put it simply).
The more clinical term for this is "Codependency".
(And no... you probably don't really know what this is 😊)
Codependency is a very misunderstood and very dangerous behaviour.
It usually stems from bad early programming, from a dysfunctional family dynamic, due to addiction, stressed parenting and/or mental health problems of the primary caregivers. It was probably not even anyone’s intention to pass it on so... once again... blaming anyone is a waste of time.
It's best to acknowledge the problem area and focus on fixing it as fast as possible, in my experience.
And detach (with love), if necessary, from anyone who may be dangerous, harmful or toxic to be around.
Do you call yourself an "Empath"?
No. You are not an empath.
Please stop sugar coating a dangerous trauma reaction that could, possibly, get you killed.
It is not empathetic to allow someone to hurt you because they tell you they “love” you (when it suits them).
Nor is it empathetic to put yourself in physical, mental, emotional or financial danger to rescue other people.
Yes. It is great that you're kind, gentle, caring and want to help people. 👍
But when helping people becomes compulsive and you're unable to say no, even when it negatively affects you and your life, then you may have codependency.
Please take the time to have a look at how this works fully and to start working on your recovery if this sounds anything like you.
It could save your life!
Toxic and abusive relationships are symbiotic.
Both parties are acting out together and are participating in the cycle, but the codependent usually does this unconsciously.
So please stop blaming victims as well.
And if you are a victim please stop blaming your abuser.
Even if they are monstrous at times.
Blaming other people for being completely responsible for the destructive relationship, and focusing only on their shirty behaviour, is not going to help you get strong and stay safe. And it's not going to help you to never choose the same situation again.
It is not going to help you recover.
People with strong sociopathic traits are highly unlikely to change. There is a less than 3% recovery rate. It's not a big enough recovery rate for you to put your sanity and health at risk for.
Is it?
You, can, however, focus on how to recover; heal yourself; become better informed about emotional and psychological abuse; and more skilled at healthy, conscious relating.
You can become healthy and strong enough to become "unfuckablewith".
Because although it's all very well and good knowing what red flags to look out for and knowing what love should be...
You won't even see a genuinely abusive personality (high on the scale of narcissistic or outright sociopathic behaviour) coming.
You will especially not even even see these people coming if you have strong traits of codependency because this condition also makes a person chronically naive and very gullible.
Narcissists and sociopaths are masters of disguise, masters of manipulation and expert liars.
If you meet one and they see you’re an easy target (emotionally sensitive, caring and empathetic with weak boundaries = easy to trigger so you can be easily manipulated) and you have something they want (usually good social and business contacts, financial success, material wealth, good social skills and looks etc etc) they will try to “target” you.
And it will feel like all those good things that are really true love. In the beginning...
They'll play you like an instrument and you'll be hooked in and headf*cked before you even realise what has happened.
And I’m not being dramatic because I’m a woman. 😁
I've seen men become shadows of their former selves after these types of personalities are done with them.
So how to stay safe online (or offline)?
Well...
If you're healed, healthy, have strong boundaries and have done your own "work" personally on your own "stuff" so that you know who you are...
- you won't be attracted to abusers because their behaviour will be a total turn off immediately.
- and abusive personalities will run a mile when they meet you, because they'll know straightaway that you can't be easily triggered and manipulated.
You've got this! 💥
Take care of yourselves, please.
You're worth it! ❤️
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
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and the world! ❤️
I do hope @emma-h ; @misshugo are in or will visit the community!
Hi @nickydee
Very interesting and deep subject choice. I've read up a lot on these in the past but you put it into a different frame. We do have choices and need to stand up for ourselves and own our behaviour, but being in a dangerous relationship can make that extremely difficult and even life threatening. A lady that I know through a friend has stated that a submissive partner in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times (and go back) on average before either leaving for good or dying in the process.
There needs to be more awareness but with the social ills that are plaguing our generations and those that came after us, I'm not even sure that we'll make a dent, but we can try by choosing ourselves first over others. I think that is one of the most important lessons to breaking the fawning behaviour. Often times it is taught to children that the needs of everyone else need to come before your own because otherwise you are selfish - this is a train wreck in the making in my opinion. Self care and self preservation need to come before anyone else. You're no good to anyone outside of yourself if you keep fucking yourself over.
Yep
We pretty much all have multi generational trauma at this point and things are messy.
We need to heal ourselves and the kids are then healed by osmosis, just because they then mimic our more healthy behaviour 👍
Yes. It is incredibly difficult for people to extricate themselves from abusive relationships. Almost impossible.
Often because this type of abuse is extremely confusing. And a codependent will usually blame themselves / be overly accountable and keep trying to make the relationship work.
And because there is little support from outside due to a real lack of knowledge about these relationships and this type of abuse.
And then... because people are incapable of breaking contact mentally and emotionally with the abuser even if they do get out (which is the coda again)
So victims really need to heal themselves so that they can't be triggered and manipulated anymore. Learn strong boundaries. etc
Or they'll probably just repeat the dynamic in other relationships over and over again.
It becomes really interesting when you do a family history and see why people do this and how it works.
But it's also fuckin' sad.
And yes again. The more we share information and people become familiar with how this works, the more lives would be saved.
Thanks for your always intelligent comment and engaging ❤️💥🙏
And this. Yes.
It is easier to do this when a person can do it rationally, calmly, tactically and properly planned. If not it is both dangerous and likely to not work out anyway. 👍
It's usually dangerous anyway, quite frankly.
The thing is... to first educate a victim and help them heal enough to tactically break free. With skills and tools as well.
The other thing is... if someone is in such a situation on a daily basis the chances of them doing anything but treading water is practically zero. Impossible :(
That's why I feel it's so important for the general public and even police officials, social workers and private professionals to be properly trained to spot this.
TO step in and support victims and get them out. A victim, as you say, rarely is able to get out on their own. And if they do, sometimes they are still held in check and abused for years if there are kids, for example, and they can't just do the "no contact" rule of thumb.
Most officials, police and even trained professionals ofte don't even know what they are seeing in cases like this. Or what to look for to investigate. Some of them claim they do. But they don't.
They have a vague textbook understanding of how this works. A proper narcissist or sociopath will have them chasing their own tails and, in same cases, actually assisting them.
I've seen this personally. Repeatedly. In many cases.
It's pretty horrific and I'm glad you brought it up.
There's a YouTube channel I started watching a few months back, and the tag line (or some such thing) is, "Facts, not Fuckery." That phrase kept running through my brain while reading your post (in a good way, of course).
So much truth in all you've said. I consider myself lucky because back
a million years agoin my early twenties, I was in the perfect frame of mind to be pulled into a codependent relationship (and to be fair, there were elements of it in the beginning). However, my first-boyfriend-turned-husband ended up being my best friend and constant supporter for just over thirty-five years now (omg, I'm old, aren't I?).Thank you for sharing this amazing insight.
Oh wow congrats 33 years is...wow. A lot!
What a heartwarming and funny comment! Hello! 😁
I'm so glad you found your BFF 🔥
It gives an
old spinster forevera person some hope!I love stories about people who met, worked it out, got it right and stayed together forever. I just love it ❤️
I always dig around and ask for tips on how they did it! Because our (I'm assuming) generation really weren't up-skilled on healthy relating. Or even on how to stay 😆
Tag me if you ever write that story, please?
And thanks for the lovely comment.
Will do! I'm wicked behind on posts I want to do, but our 33rd anniversary is coming up fast (October 7th), so maybe I'll do a little, "here's the story so far" kind of recap of the past three decades. God, every time I say the numbers, my brain hurts... 😂
spoiler alert - wasn't all kittens & rainbows by any stretch of the imagination, yet here we are
And you're entirely welcome - I've been a total slacker when it comes to commenting
for months nowlately, but I'm trying to get better about it. However, with your post, I had no choice, because my brain kept yelling at me tostop being such a lazy mofonot silently "walk" away from such an amazeballs piece of work. 💜That's exactly what we need to hear about and so do the young 'uns please.
I'm patient. I'll wait it out!
Thank you for your wonderful encouraging amazeballs comment.
Feedback like this is what keeps the fire burning 🔥
Thank you! 🙏
As always you blow me away with your insights. Your generosity and your propensity to give and share of yourself in order to make the lives of others around you just that little bit lighter and easier to navigate, has me in awe. Your articles are so well-rounded, driven by experience and exceptional research. You're a real treasure, Nicky. You are right... the more we focus on ourselves, the less of a target we make for others. We are able to remain outside of their orbits and when we do occasionally find ourselves subject to potential or actual abuse, the work we have done to get us to this point... enables us to avoid the major pitfalls and walk on by. !LUV
@samsmith1971(6/10) gave you LUV.
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Brilliantly and succinctly well said! 👏 💥
What an utterly marvelous and generous comment. 😊
It's kind of a calling for me now because of my own experience. I can't not do it in all honesty... despite me repeatedly trying to forget and avoid it. When I see people rise and step into their power again it makes it all worthwhile.
Thank you, Sam ❤️
Oh...I didn't say anything... I just tried to hear YOU... and then reflected - 💗 - keep doing what you're doing, Nicky. It's a blessing xx
Very good article, @nickydee
and welcome to Ladies of Hive!
Ladies of Hive is here for you.
This is where we can exchange ideas and be inspired by the stories of others.
Perhaps we have the knowledge to share or perhaps we need to learn from others.
No matter what it is ... do it on Ladies of Hive.
You are not here just for yourself.
We are here for each other.
Meet other women in the community!
Get others involved!
Support each other!
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you @silversaver888 😊
Happy to have finally made a contribution.
I do know some of the marvelous women in the community and have already fallen in love with some of them. Amazing gals 😁
Looking forward to meeting more of you.
I'll be around!
🌺
This space is for you and me and the other wonderful ladies.
A weekly prompt is provided us via the weekly contest, but you can also post any article that you want.
Don't forget to engage the others. Others just post an article, leave, and the expect others to comment on their article, yet they don't engage others in their articles.
Please make this your own! I look forward to you post.
Again, WELCOME!
Thank you :)
All good. I'm the kind of person who tries to give more than I take so I'm on way back as soon as I've finished some new content to read all the entries as well 💥
That's how we roll around here. 😊❤️
It's sad but true reality that in 2022 discrimination is still a reality for many people around the globe. Whether it's physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, it's happening all around us. It's heartbreaking. We have to stand up to fight for ourselves and for those they need help.
So true words, and I can't agree anymore, this can help us to better understand our own motivations and behaviors. Additionally, it can help us to develop a more positive outlook on life.
Great article and thanks for taking time and effort to join us this week's topic. Looking forward to seeing more your posts in the community
Thanks for the important topic and the forum to open up conversation and share knowledge between all of us! It's very vital we do this now, I think.
And yes :)
It gets to a point where a person can pretty much not be affected by their surroundings at all. When this happens, people are unable to be triggered and they can make good decisions with good motivations.
It also makes it easier for people to communicate effectively and stay connected! ❤️
I'll definitely be around for more of the conversation around here. 😊
Thank you for the support and encouragement 😊👍
This was also an amazing read! It is spot on and very good for those who have a slight idea about this kind of relationships. I have been in such situations and yes, inner healing is the most important thing as you choose them subconsciously.
I also hope that future generations will be able to make better choices and not fall into such toxic dynamics. In some situations it is life threatening to stay. Mental abuse cripples anyone. Not to mention verbal or physical.
I believe that our society has a lot of trauma instilled in our bodies and minds. I can't express enough how I wish there would be emotional education in school where someone, anyone, could teach you what healthy love is. This is something many kids don't even see at home. And at home is where the attachment style is formed and the vicious circle of victim-abuser begins.
A wonderful topic very well handled in your post.
Are you a psychologist? Wow! I am officially blown! And i did watch that documentary with the cell experiment. not fun. Gaslighting is now well...it is easy to achieve because as you said, we are partly to blame. I was with a partner like that. we did not las log because of his gaslighting and manipulative behaviour. I thought i was overthinkig it until I broke up with him and discovered he wasn't doing it to just me. After him, relationships became a no-no for me until i have found myself. I am on that path currently.
Overthinking is often a part of the fight / flight or stress reaction and anxiety btw ;)
If he was making you feel this way it's pretty clear...
Love is warm. And safe!
😊😊❤️
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