During our life we constantly have to deal with people that are not at all aligned with us. The obnoxious neighbor, the ex-partner and other parent of your child, some client that consumes more time than they're worth, and so on. And then comes that phrase that I hear equally often:
They're bringing out the worst in me!
But do they really? Or is it just a convenient excuse to offload some steam onto someone who, according to oneself, deserves it for being themselves? Not to defend them. They probably do deserve it. At least in the good old "eye-for-eye" tradition. Is it maybe an opportunity to cease to maintain the walls of false friendliness that preserve the peace? Not investing more energy into it, let it crumble and a stream of frustration offload on the other person?
Of course it is.
Last week, I had it all. I spent several hours carefully redacting letters to a neighbor that is constantly whining about noise without taking any responsibility; a client who is incredibly disorganized, didn't pay their bills with us and was complaining about us not sending him product; another client stating that our bread is not sourdough although it has a 20h sourdough fermentation because it contains <1% yeast; and of course Lily's mom, who I had to send a resume of Lily's semester report because she didn't bother to come to the meeting with the teacher.
They were all rude and condescending.
Either towards me or my team. I could've responded on their level. Could've been rude and condescending - I'm very good at that. But I didn't. Because I won't let them bring out the worst of me:
I decide which part they get.
I'm in control of that part, most of the time at least. I can decide whether they bring out the worst of me - or the best of me. I can meet their violence with my violence, or I can use their violence to do whatever I want with it. I can learn from it. I can ignore it. I can manipulate it to create a better outcome for everyone.
As long as I'm in control.
If I passively let them bring out the worst of me, I act like an animal. Fight or flight. I let them have control over me, let them manipulate me. So I decide to treat them with kindness. Not limitless, oh no. Each one of them got their fair share of limits. But I did not give into their drama. I stayed calm, cool and collected, with a touch of empathy and the general consideration that I try to apply in my every action. And it worked nicely, as it usually does. Way better than the old testament approach, I assume. Clear communication, rationality instead of emotions without denying their emotions.
It's not easy.
Especially when much is at stake - a lawsuit, business, or my child's well-being. But it gets easier with time. Because once we choose the path of "good", of being coherent with our values, each step into that direction makes the next step easier. Same goes for the other way. Once a bad deed is done, there's a lot less restraint before the next.
And again, we choose.
If we want to. If we're aware enough. If we're human enough. It's an important choice to make every day, in every action. With every move we make we can go either way. And for me, there's a lot of joy in the way of kindness. I can feel good about myself with it. I'm doing the right thing. My conscience is clean, as I'm trying my best, constantly improving.
If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping thy divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy. And there is no man who is able to prevent this.
Marcus Aurelis, Meditations, Book 3, Chapter 12
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI, as well as read your own experience and point of view, I love to learn!
Other posts reflecting on Marcus Aurelius:
Pictures taken with a Motorola Edge 60 Pro, I reserve the copyright - but feel free to ask if you want to use one of the pictures!
Understanding how to act and when is very important. Acting rashly is rarely going to be the right way or, at the very least, acting rashly can often lead to more trouble and complications. A person needs to understand how and when, but a person needs also to understand why plus know that no decision is a decision in itself and can often end more badly.
Becca 🌷
Exactly. Acting out of decision, not out of instinct or re-activeness.
I try to be kind. But sometimes there is time not to be kind anymore. Some people have deserved my bad side. I agree with @galenkp. Abusers, bullies and predators are lower than whale shit and deserve nothing but my worst.
People like you are the people those unable to stand for themselves look for in times of trouble; people who stand tall, do what's required and don't fail to act and I think the world needs such people.
Becca 🌷
I appreciate the compliment. I try to do the right thing and be a good person.
I can see that you try based on what you write and, like all human beings, I know that you don't always hit the mark as my guy would say. Making the attempt, wanting to be one's best or do the right thing is where doing the right thing begins.
Becca 🌷
Dear @becca-mac you are starting my day off wonderfully. Not sure why, but I think I needed to read and hear these words.
I do miss your posts. Wish you would start writing again.
Ja der Ansatz der Stoiker hat mir in solchen Situationen auch schon geholfen. Leicht ist es deswegen nicht.
Bleib konstruktiv!
VG
Nein, einfach soll es auch nicht sein, da aware langweilig 😅 Sagt Marcus Aurelius auch immer. Man könnte die ganzen Meditations so auffassen, dass er sich jeden Tag daran erinnern muss, nicht alles und jeden einfach köpfen zu lassen 😜
Kindness, patience, compassion. Goes absolutely without saying that the worst of the worst need more decisive action, but it's rarely up to us to dole it out. You never know what people have gone through or why they behave that way. Acting moderately sets a good example for the world, starting with Lily. You can be kind and not a pushover, compassionate and set firm boundaries. Most people, when treated reasonably, will often back down and reassess their behavior.
I just answered to Galen that maybe the most important part is not so much the kindness, but the conscious decision. To be able to decide when to apply what. When kindness is still the better way, and when one has to choose a less chill reaction.
I absolutely agree with everything you state in your comment. That is what I tried to express, in less and better words, yet again 😅
HA, thanks, sometimes I can explain myself okay, sometimes I'm a tongue tied mess. But I think it's sad that there's a lot of folk I see on Hive, and in real life and in other online spaces, particularly men, who have a very stern, distrustful attitude that approaches everyone with wariness, and sees manliness as the courage to hold your ground and never give anyone a second chance or benefit of the doubt. A kind of fierce and tough individualism that doesn't let anyone truly in. You kinda wonder what happened to them to make them that way, or is it a series of choices they made? I guess I struggle with this as I'm much more open, maybe as I've never truly been hurt and had a great upbringing, or maybe because it's just my personality to be open hearted. But I truly believe that people being assholes have usually just had a rough day/month/life, and deserve to be treated respectfully and with kindness - of course, if they're ripping you off or abusing you, that's totally another story, but I'd rather reach for the honey first than the acid.
The extremes are always exceptions. I believe in the same about people and how they're behaving. It helps me to still be somewhat kind to Lily's mom, despite the seven hells that she puts us through. Doesn't always work too well, but I keep working on it. I know enough about her past to come to the conclusion that she can't even want to change, that her mind is twisted enough to always make herself believe that she's doing the right thing and everybody else is wrong.
And there are many people like that out there. It doesn't take away their responsibility to work on it, and I treat them with caution and distance, but knowing it makes it easier to not go down on their level.
In my younger years, I was kind, and if someone wanted to take $1 from me, I'd give them $2. I didn't think about myself.
Now, I ignore those who are dissatisfied with me or want to take something from me. I've become indifferent to people who prioritize material things. Perhaps in old age this indifference will turn into contempt.
Setting boundaries and respect them is important. It's not about sacrificing for others. I don't make a sacrifice by reacting to the harsh words with kind words, on the contrary. I protect myself, setting boundaries, not letting them invade me.
Not caring too much about what others think is healthy. Once one is in line with ones values, who is there to judge? Self confidence comes with that, too. Knowing that one is trying to do right.
There's always room for kindness but some just don't deserve it and I'm willing and capable of reacting more strongly.
Someone who harms or takes advantage of children, the old or weak for instance...they deserve nothing but the harshest of treatment; letting that behaviour go unpunished or u punished lightly is why we're having to deal with predators now. Just my opinion.
Thankfully, people like you exist and it's people like you that make others feel safe. Don't change.
Becca 🌷
That's the part of setting limits. For me, kindness doesn't mean sacrificing oneself for the other. It's not an absolute, but a general guideline. Extreme situations will always be exceptions (hopefully) and should be treated that way.
Maybe kindness is not the right word. I was looking for synonyms, but didn't find the right one (at least translating to German). Closest one would be "serenity", but that doesn't include the emotional side of it. I think.
Perhaps like this: Using serenity in the exchange with others is a kindness to oneself.
Another throught - it's not so much about what we decide, but that we decide. Sometime the worst of us is simply necessary and actually warranted. It's about being conscious of that, and not reacting instinctively.
That's a good point for sure, but I think instinctive behaviour and reactions are inevitable - it's what has kept the human race alive in the past, the fight or flight instinct.
It's when we react out of greed, hubris, pride and to further financial gain, power or control where humanity goes wrong, among other things of course.