Bonjour, fellow Hivers and Hivettes! #introduceyourself
I’m Vincent, a 40 years old French newcomer to the #hive community. And before you ask, no I don’t own a beret. Stripes and facial hair, yes; funky marinière tee-shirt and macho mustache, no.
About Moi
I stopped smoking months ago, but my croissant addiction has me stymied. It is powerful, I tell you, and many otherwise wonderful French people battle this tyrant of addictions.
So here are a few lines about what life is like in France, a little portrait of its people for all you Guys planning on spending your hard-earned hive dollars on visiting our amazing country.
So, let’s get into the meat of La Belle France.
General overview
France is a medium-sized country situated in the middle of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Belgium, Switzerland, and some random smaller nations of no consequence. (They have terrible shopping.).
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as Versailles, Le Louvre, and the pièce de résistance: EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, camembert cheese, and Gérard Depardieu.
One endless problem for tourists is that the people willfully persist in speaking French. Ugh, how rude. I know!
Ze People
France has a population of 66 million people, many of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed. We have no concept of standing patiently in line.
The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined. See? We have some good points.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that from time to time it is invaded by Germany.
By tradition, the French surrender quickly. A tunnel connecting France and Britain under the English Channel was built to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Joan of Arc, the Huguenots, Louis XIV, Marie Antoinette, Napoléon, Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off.
Parliament consists of two Chambers, the Upper and Lower, whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom are to be trusted, frankly. (Somehow, by the way, both upper and lower chambers are on the ground floor.).
According to the most recent French intelligence, the current President is someone named Emmanuel. This may be an indicator of the quality of the French intelligence services.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it’s not easy to see why. All the songs sound the same, and the movies are only good for the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you dump on it, a snail on your plate is still going to be a slug wrapped in a shell. But let’s focus on the keywords “slug” and “on your plate.” (The shell only makes it more difficult to eat without slipping and flinging the thing across the room.) I can see you shuddering from here.
Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, cheap, and easy to acquire, though it’s notably impossible for foreigners to pronounce the word properly.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they’re not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they’re on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.
Trade
France's principal exports, in order of economic importance are:
wine
high-calibre nuclear weaponery
perfume
guided missiles, grenade launcher, landmines
champagne
tanks, attack aircraft
and cheese
French food is thought to be challenging, the perfume strong, the drink debilitating and the cheese powerful. I cannot speak to the quality of the weapons.
Public holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are:
197 Saints' days,
37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days,
54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days,
18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days,
17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days,
and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.
Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
As a result, each French citizen is likely to have more than a dozen “favorite” holidays and we believe that we are entitled to take them off with pay whether we actually get the time off or not.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by the French.
Salut!
PS: Please upvote my post, I need the money to buy some more croissants!
You've got all my money and now, I'm bankrupt. Enjoy your croissant nevertheless
haha thanks ;)
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