from: Brandt Uriah McPoorman
to: The Money Tree
date: Aug 28, 2021, 5:43 PM
subject: Regarding the lack of money growing on you
Dear Money Tree:
It has come to my attention that you are no longer producing the money I've come to rely on as my primary source of income.
As I'm sure you can imagine, this is unacceptable for several reasons.
First and foremost, without access to a steady harvest of tens, twenties, and hundreds, I will be unable to purchase the vast amounts of alcohol I require to properly and respectably lead the life of an unemployed writer.
Further, if my wallet remains as empty as my heart for too much longer, the fuel in my vehicle's gas tank will run dry, and I will be forced to make the long journey from my tent in the woods down into town on foot. Such a tiresome trip would sap my energy and make it that much more difficult to focus on my thankless daily task of sitting in the local café from open to close, drinking coffee and not writing.
Finally, for lack of the cash your branches have failed to provide for nearly a week now, I will soon find myself cut off from my customary banquet of fine meats and cheeses, and exotic fruits and breads, and deluxe chocolates and truffles and sweets, which are essential for keeping my prodigious mind and unparalleled genius healthy and well-nourished, just in case I ever get a job and need to start using them again someday.
I trust this email will be a sufficient reminder of your due responsibility to enable my lazy, irresponsible lifestyle.
Should you continue to refuse to bear the fruits of my non-labor, I will not hesitate to take additional steps as necessary, up to and including retaining an arborist and serving you with a summons to the arboretum where the laws of nature shall settle this matter once and for all.
Please also be advised that I own a chainsaw.
Best regards,
B. U. M.
Oh. My. God. Talk about coming from left of centre - love, love, love it!
I'd prefer a Bitcoin tree, but they are quite elusive, I'm told. Tend to crash silently in the middle of the forest, and then spring up again just when you don't have anything to water them with.
Fabulous!
A bitcoin tree would be better for sure! Why didn't I think of that?
Anyhow, glad you liked the email! Thanks for your support!
Don't worry dude. Soon it'll be fall. Bills will be flying everywhere and falling on the ground. All you need is a rake. You'll be raking in the dough.
Indeed! I do believe the local Tractor Supply sells rakes!
Although, I have no money so I will probably have to steal it.
Just tell them you're borrowing it if you get caught and if they argue tell them you can't hear or don't speak English.
That is a smart option for sure. They will be so confused that I'll probably be able to borrow numerous rakes instead of just one.
It's also worth noting that the current rapid influx of wealthy people bent on turning Colorado into an overpopulated disaster of a state has driven rents and home values up so goddamn high that normal people can barely afford to live here anymore and pretty much every place in town is desperately looking for workers. This includes local law enforcement. My point is, there are like maybe 3 officers tasked with policing a town of several thousand. All I would really have to do is start a dumpster fire on the south end of town as a diversion, and then walk into Tractor Supply on the north end and just take whatever I want. Which is a rake, I want a rake.
Maybe start two dumpster fires an entire hose length apart so they have to sit there and figure things out for awhile using math (which will slow them down). Then they won't hear the tractor I'm suggesting you borrow (just in case) drive away because sirens and thinking plus radioing dispatch to bring a calculator and all that stuff.
I like your trickstery suggestions! Two fires are always better than one fire regardless of the situation. I will definitely go with the tractor idea. Might take along a bag of body parts to scatter hither and thither for additional distraction as I make my escape. That will definitely slow them down.
If you need more stuff, like gas for the tractor or something, simply send a ransom note into the cop shop telling them you're holding the clerk hostage. When they all come and start asking the clerk questions, that's when you leave with a full tank.
It's not often that something I read makes me laugh just after I woke up
Sounds like good medicine to kick off your day! That and coffee :) I hope you did not have coffee in your mouth when you laughed, that would be messy.
Luckily not :)
Manual selection by @cliffagreen.
Many thanks @cccf and @cliffagreen! May your money trees never fail to bear fruit.
Say if you could find a little sapling from said tree, would you be a pal and send it on over here. I have looked high and low for one here in Michigan, and I dont believe they are native to the state :(
I will keep my eyes peeled and let you know if I find one. They are a rather picky plant though, and as far as I know they will only bear fruit if they have a good view of the mountains.
This is HILARIOUS ... and also, true in a way that goes beyond the life of trees ... isn't this how people sometimes treat each other?
There is often hilarity to be found in the ways we humans treat each other :)
Beautiful story about your tree
Beautiful comment about my story about a tree
lol!!! Hey, I thought you cherish this tree! I f so, maybe you should take a gentler approach 🤣🤣🤣
Genius! I went for comedy in my entry too by the way!
I cannot cherish that which does not enrich me :)
I did not know dogs could write, but I suppose if they could they would write to a favorite tree! I take it yall moved to a place with only deciduous trees?
It seems that way - unless the spruce forest gets on the next train!!!
!PIZZA and !ALIVE
If dogs can write then I'm sure spruce forests can board trains.
Thanks for the nice tokeny stuff!!
All good, have a little more :)
!PIZZA and !ALIVE
You Are Alive and have been rewarded with 0.1 ALIVE tokens from the We Are Alive Tribe, and it's paid for by the earnings on @alive.chat, swing by our daily chat any time you want.
You Are Alive and have been rewarded with 0.1 ALIVE tokens from the We Are Alive Tribe, and it's paid for by the earnings on @alive.chat, swing by our daily chat any time you want.
