If I should describe my emotional life until now I would think that rollercoaster would be the best name. Or chamber of torture. Or rainbow of ecstasy.
My ability to tap into my emotions has suffered because of my childhood where the main caregivers were actually not providing a safe secure attachment every child needs. I grew up emotionally withdrawn and trying to supress this thing we call emotion developing a disorganized attachment style.For someone looking from the outside it would look like an autistic , cold and catatonic behaviour with bursts of high emotions out of nowhere.A poker face which does not know pain or joy or someone who goes fast to the extremes.People tend to be very harsh and judgemental toward what they do not understand. The irony of the cold demeanour is the fact that underneath there is actually plenty of pain, love, emotion. But it is blocked. The overjoyous childish behavior is an expression of the part of us we would like to be accepted for. But adults who behave like this are criticized for being too childish. Too cold or too childish. Story of my life.
Often I had troubles recognizing my own emotions. It has happened more than once for me to misread emotional clues, mistaking abuse for love or attention for affection. When emotion would pop up, I would be judged for it. "You are way too loud or excited , like a kid. Cut it out" or "Why are you sad and crying, stop it" or "What you feel is of no interest to me". When you haven't had the safe environment where emotions are embraced and accepted, you learn to keep them under the rug until they pile up in a sticky dirt layer it is hard to heal from: trauma.
To compensate for the lack of emotional safety I developed the overthinking mind. Boy I can think. And overthink. And think again. But the key to success is actually action backed up by thinking. Thinking alone is just painful rumination and it can easily turn into a novel no one wants to read anymore, including you.
For many years I searched a means to regulate the turmoil of my emotional universe. Art and books helped me gain a sense of control and peace when the outside world would be filled with unpredictable parenting, bullying and solitude. Now I can firmly say that art was my therapy in order to keep my sanity in times when it could have easily been lost. Only someone who had to cope with a troubled childhood would have the emotional capacity to understand what I try to express.
The overcapacity to think and underability to express feelings followed me in my professional and love life. It reflected in others parts of me I did not know they were so broken. I suffered while I also made others suffer too. The thing is that no one who is sane wants to cause damage to another, especially when they love that person. But trauma is invisible and it pulls you by the strings while you think you act out of your own will.
I can't time travel and change mom or dad although I lost count of how many times I fantasized about it. I can't undo anything as actually this everything contributed to what I am now. There is a lot of solitude when you are like this. This solitude helped me create art and other creative content. It also made me pay a price I did not want: the feeling of being an alien who can't connect with the outside world.
I admit I got burned several times when I handed my heart on a platter. Some people can make a hamburger out of it and sleep like a baby. Consciously or not. Everytime after I suffer a heartbreak I tell myself: see, emotions are bad. You are such a fool.Never again. Stick to your art and roll with it. Who needs love anyway, we all die alone. As nihilistic as it sounds, it was my go to safety boat when my heart would crumble. I was thinking that maybe this is why many painters managed to create: their solitude, their inability to connect, their pain made them find refuge and solace in art. But is a solitary life worth living? I do not hold the answer to this yet as I still have moments when I try to regain faith in humanity. I can also create when I am happy, only that my style is different then. I also have moments when I like to be alone and I am proud to achive things on my own.
I feel I described the entire story I have written above in this watercolor drawing I sketched the other day.
I felt I wanted to just make a doodle without worrying about it being perfect. To just lose myself in the process.
I am still trying to cope with some things in the past which I wish it would have happened. As a part of me screams that I am a fool for continuing to ruminate while others would have moved on long time ago, I now understand that I have to give time to emotions to settle.
I also have to unveil the reality of what was versus what I wished it had been. I often romanticize people, even those who have hurt me , because I return back to that trauma, wishing it would have been different.
I am now aware that when we heal we stop this self harming emotional behavior, especially when it comes to past lovers.
For the moment I realize that taking a little orchid with me in my trips abroad had a more significant role than I thought.
I was worried it would not survive alone at home while I was away. But that was a convenient lie.
I am aware that it was a way to carry with me an object which would make me feel closer and yet far away from a particular moment and person in time I idealized.
I could throw the flower and try to escape from the past. But I know better now.
I feel that healing is a process which can't be rushed because of the immense amount of new information which will come up to the surface. I am sure we would not be able to handle the ugly truth that we were not loved and that we clinged to an illusion if we weren't emotionally prepared to let go. I realize that everytime we cling on to the past we try to give another end to the story. But it is all in our mind. The reality is there to see and yet the broken heart will cling on to other dozens miniscule fantasy reasons why it might be different.
I titled this drawing "My brain". But I feel it might be yours too in some moments. I am learning to feel compassion toward the inner me who is healing . I know it takes time, wherever I am and whatever I do.
The biggest reward for doing this work, despite of it looking like masochism, solitude, hurt and loneliness, is the gift of the present moment and the better emotional patterns for future relationships. Although I am strongly anchored in remaining single and just focusing on my art, I am more self aware to realize this was my best coping mechanism. Developed to protect me. The thinking brain. But what protects you from pain also isolates you from love and connection. Therefore being vulnerable while also maintaining strong boundaries and standards is my new goal. I don't have a deadline for when I will achieve a better me, I try every day in small steps.
What I do know is that this drawing depicts a lifetime of thinking while feeling is what I now think we came on this Planet for. To explore the depths of my soul, even if it brings joy, tears or laughter, that is the journey of a lifetime.
In very hard times i turn to plants! My wife knows when i spend much time with them, i need some time to heal myself and she keep a distance from me to help in my try! I have never have with me a small pot with a beloved plant, but i really feel you! About your painting in combination with your story is a part of your emotional world visualized
Oh what a beautiful way to solve your emotional stuff! I love plants too, I had a time when I used to hoard many plants. Now that you mention this I think it can be a great therapy for the soul to take care of plants.
It is indeed something soothing in having a small thing to care about like a baby plant. It is a baby orchid now and I have no idea of how big it will grow. I saw people developing backpacks for their pets, why not do that for a plant, especially if you leave home for an extended amount of time. For a plant lover it would be quite a joy to travel and bring their plant with them.
Thank you for reading and understanding the story behind the image🤗
I had read or maybe they had told me... I'm not sure (😁) that in general, busying yourself with plants and gardening improves your mood, since in addition to relieving the feeling of caring for something, at the same time you come to terms with the soil, which has energy but also microorganisms that trigger chain reactions at the level of chemistry in our body! Somehow I believe it! I have never seen an unhappy pig in the mud! Wish you by heart a happy Sunday morning! 💜
This is really interesting! Maybe this explains why people who work the land or do just plant and land related activities are happier. It is therapeutic as you just eliminate any thoughts and focus on the plant.
Haha funny you mention the pigs, that is true lol. Piggies love their mud.
Have a great happy Sunday too🤗
Very nice art.
Thank you🤗
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Did you know that that sense of immense isolation is actually as symptom of trauma?
Yep. Same same here. I cut myself off from the world a few times... I relate to almost every line in your share. And I "see" you, fellow traveler❣️
Ahem... *guilty as charged 😆
The things is... existentialism and nihilism really is spot on in my opinion. It's kind of coming to acceptance of this that actually leads, over time, to real liberation. So... there's that.
I adore you already! 💥
Thank you so much for your words, I have indeed did some inner travelling and I am constantly doing the work to observe my patterns and improve my self healing. I accept that in some days I do better or not so good.
I think we often mistake a symptom for a flaw. And it is easy to curl into isolation thinking it is something off with us. I lately discovered that it is actually a story about the past, not a label of who I truly am.
I can see that you have gone through quite some experiences as wisdom oozes from your writing. And now I know that wisdom is well handled experience acquired post painful trauma.
🔥❤️
And yes. I've had a challenging and interesting journey at times :) (Haven't we all?)
And how we perceive and accept this is how we grow "wise", I guess 😊
Also... you're astoundingly beautiful, btw. I hope you accept and love that about yourself at the very least all of the time. Because it is what it is. And, although I am referring to your physical appearance here, I believe this goes the whole way through. For you.
Have a peaceful evening. 🌸
Thank you!
I had moments when I did reject my beauty as I felt like everyone judged me solely based on it. And I also drew unwanted attention. It took me years to finally embrace my beauty, outside and inside. Few would think that a beautiful women has moments when she wants to go under the radar aka not be so pretty lol. I often wanted people, especially men, to be drawn by my soul more than by my beauty. In a way I guess it can hinder true connection , especially in a world where men seek just beauty on the outside.
Now I am at peace with myself and I embrace the way I am. I am aware that my physical beauty will fade with years and this is why I invest more time in nurturing the inner beauty as I desire to attract a partner who will love me for what I am more than just for my looks.
Have a great evening too and thank you for the short talk🤗
Love this art and your personal story. There's a lot I can relate to here.
Sending you a big hug.
I could really feel the emotions of your craft. How beautiful it is sis. As for me, I am not gifted with arts, but I just speak of my emotions through writing. What a beautiful expression of work you have there. Have a nice time sis.
Thank you so much God bless you🤗