Holiday Musings

in Proof of Brain5 months ago (edited)

No fear, diabolika's here. Ready to bring darkness to your holidays. Just kidding! To be honest, nothing much happening in my life these days, holiday is just another normal day for me. I'm just gonna eat my usual dinner, watch Netflix and stay unconscious until NYE lol.

Anyway, so what did you guys miss in this new chapter of my life? Well, I'm quite being social, at least last night. I attended this CS Xmas party event and guess what? I met a lot of cool people. Knowing myself, I almost didn't attend just because I didn't want to join the holiday crowd rushing to go home or somewhere. And of course, there's the usual introvert overthinking and social anxiety. It was such a fight within. But I'm glad I didn't let my inner demons win this time.

Okay I was just lazy to go out. Period. Meeting new people consumes a lot of my energy but then I feel like it's worth consuming a lot of energy for. I know it was easier to just stay at home and cuddle my cat. It was easier to stay in my comfort zone. My grief is still drowning me and it's addicting to wallow. But I'm aware that I can't continue being like this especially now that I'm in the city. The plan is to change. To heal. I don't have reasons anymore to continue avoiding people. So yeah, I really just forced myself to get up, dressed up, and go out last night. I convinced myself to just do it regardless of how inconvenient it was. And I absolutely didn't regret it.

For the past 10 years, the CS community has been my consistent go-to place if ever I want to meet people that I can actually like. It works wherever I am in this world. I met most of my friends from other countries through this community. And of course, there's always CS events or trips happening for travellers and locals in big cities. This is my chance to get back out there and meet like-minded souls.

To be honest, I just hated joining the Xmad rush. You know, all the crazy traffic, people coming back from Xmas parties carrying grocery baskets and stuff, heavy foot traffic with everyone rushing to go somewhere. Oh my city life, but how can I complain? Life's been very comfortable so far. And my cat's been very privileged.

I met new local friends who look forward to meeting me again in "walking tour" or food stroll events around my area. And then I also met this one, very interesting, very intelligent and most of all, very handsome French/Indian guy who happens to live in my city. And guess what, he's also into cryptocurrency. He's working on his start-up that has something to do with cryptos as well. Omg, what are the odds? We talked a lot about a whole different topics that I had forgotten there were also other people in the party lol. For a few hours, I was actually happy. Oh why why am I becoming human now?

It turns out, I am still human. I thought I'm incapable of liking people or someone. I mean I know there are a lot of interesting people out there sure, but I just find everyone around me so unattractive. And then for one split second, I found myself getting attracted to another human being. That doesn't happen everyday. Now I don't know what to do lol. I just want to lower my expectations. Remember, I've been in prison for a long time. I'm not used to happiness even though I deserve it too.

I feel like I've been in such a dark place for a long time. The past few days I've been contemplating a lot of dark stuff. I figured I have to change this mindset. I have to try to live and walk amongst the living. Life is very short soon enough it's gonna end. I just have to try and try again. And for those who are not feeling festive, you are not alone. Happy holidays to y'all!



It is always interesting to meet new people, but you need to be mentally prepared for that. As you say it consumes a lot of energy. Have a great Christmas weekend.

Yes I am trying to be mentally prepared. Thanks and Merry Xmas !

Take happiness as you can. Merry Christmas.

Thank you Merry Xmas!