Tortured Soul

I wonder what's holiday like for other tortured souls out there. To be honest it doesn't bother me anymore if I have to spend holidays alone. I've been to many parts of the world and I've spent holidays this way. I'm so used to it by now and it actually helped me toughen up. I lost my parents too early, my sister and I are not even close but we are getting there. I've let go of my toxic relatives. My best friend passed, I purged my other friends out of my life. So yeah, this is my reality and I'm okay with it. Some of us do thrive in the darkness.

Holiday is just a normal day for me, it means sitting on the couch, binge-watching some series on Netflix, cuddling my cat, and sleeping (the best thing of all). Sure, I could always go out no doubt, like attend an event, meet new people in some party or something. Maybe I'm just getting old because these things take so much energy that I have to literally drag myself out of my place every time. I guess I've lost my mojo for some reason.

But I did realize that if you like the people you're talking to, a bit of that energy will come back naturally. I mean it doesn't have to be a romantic thing, it's just if you find people you share common interests with, common pain even, you're most likely to be more drawn to them and more interested to talk and exert extra effort. I guess my point is, I don't have that many kind of people around me. Or if there are, I haven't met them yet. I do miss traveling though. It's the only way I could easily find people I can actually like, like those who share the same passion for traveling and doing adventurous stuff.

Okay I get it I'm a bit contradicting myself here. Didn't I just say that I want to sit on the couch, stare at the screen and entertain myself. Given all the things that I've done in the past, traveling takes way way so much energy and just thinking about it makes me extremely tired.

I don't know if this feeling is just my ongoing grief or I'm just afflicted with this unspeakable illness that I feel like can never be cured. For many years I've tried to change something in me, in how I feel, about this existence and all. And yet time and time again I fall back into where I was. It doesn't matter if I travel, move to another country, meet new lovers, friends, leave and come back. Changing circumstances won't cut it, because there I am again. There's this shadow following me all along.

Sure, love is the answer. I can here you guys singing. And of course, there are always men out there. It is easy to just choose and accept one in my life but I've learned that learning to love someone back doesn't work for me. Once someone gave everything to me and I still wasn't happy. Once in a blue moon, someone will pass by, someone I really like. And then I thought, oh we have mutual understanding some magical connection in there I should say. So I will subtly try to show some interest. But the ones we love and the ones who love us will never ever be the same, right? Oh it hurts just as much when women get rejected in a way. We are used to being desired and chased and so when it happens, it just kills our self-esteem, well, at least for me. There are times when I feel like I deserve this feeling since I've rejected a lot of men in the past and sometimes for the most stupid reason. I guess this is my way of making myself feel more human. A punishment for being inhuman.

There are different kinds of love. I was content with the love my best friend was giving me. I didn't realize what I had until I lost it. It was not good to rely on one person for emotional needs. He used to tell me when he was still alive, that I will find my people.

Everyday seems like an effort to live. I am doing everything I can to survive this meaningless existence, exercise, eat healthy, do some hobbies, go on long walks, meet people, read books, work... Nothing seems to work or am I just being impatient? All I really want is to feel okay, if not happy, just a bit less lonely. I just want to make my days not seem like a constant battle. My mind feels tired.

I read this quote somewhere by Mark Twain, "I've had a lot of worries most of which never happened." So I guess, fellow tortured souls, mere human beings just wanting to be loved, let's worry no more. Let's rest our minds and take it day by day. Things will get better.