They only hear what they want to hear

in Proof of Brain3 years ago


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Has someone ever come to you for advice and done just the opposite of what you suggested to them? When this happened to me in the past I have always said it doesn't matter, it's their life and they make their decisions. While this was fair, I have always wondered why would they even come to me in the first place if they already knew what they wanted to do. If my opinion mattered so much to them to bring their problem to me when I was minding my own business why didn't they didn't give a damn about what I said. The more I thought about it the more things became clearer to me.

I am one of those who doesn't take my problem to anyone. I handle them myself with internal debates and brainstorming. However, when I go to someone that would mean I have great respect and high regard for that person and I always try to see things from their point of view, I've always believed that their view was more objective and they had the bigger picture in view even though it was my problem.

Let me relate one story from my past experience. One of my friends came to me many years ago, 'seeking advice' (in his own words). He told me about a girl he wanted to marry. She was an attractive woman, a single mother, and a career-oriented woman. However, he was very reluctant to share some basic details about her past life. All I gathered was she had a troubled marriage. I quickly got myself out of this by listing out a few things he needed to consider before he committed himself, but the final decision would be his.

Somewhere along the way during our conversation it became clear to me that he had already made up his mind. His defensive answers to my questions only made me uncomfortable. In a short time, he defied his family and married this woman. It's been a rocky marriage, to say the least. The question of why did he come to me remained in my mind. Then I happened to meet his friends' circle from his office and they spoke about how they encouraged him to do this. What they didn't know was about his family and commitments to them.

To cut a long story short I realized that people only ask you for advice so they can hear what they want to hear. They just want their ideas to be validated. They don't really care for your opinion or are they even searching for a solution to the problem in the first place. When they have received enough validation from whichever source, they find the courage to do what they want to do,. I have studied this in so many other scenarios as well having worked as a youth relationship counselor for years.


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I always give the people general guidelines on soul searching and let them figure out for themselves what they want to do. I personally believe most people know the answers deep down in their hearts. They just need to learn to figure these things out for themselves. Lessons from personal experience always carry bigger and stronger impacts on their future decision-making.

Another thing that struck me is that these people are happy to surround themselves with people who would never say no to their ideas or question their intentions. They want everything they do to be affirmed as they are in the process of collecting 'yes votes'. These yes votes in some way energize them to act on what they were afraid to do at first. They really have no need for your opinion, you are just a number on their supporters list to save them from their guilt.

There is no point in trying to tell these people they are wrong. You would end up being their enemy. My friend of old still does not talk to me because I didn't give him a yes vote. I mean even good friends become enemies because they dared to question their intentions.

Sadly, most often this attitude arises from self-doubts and a deep sense of knowing that what they are about to do might not work or is not right. They need your yes vote to convince themselves, a feel-good factor. Just leave them alone. Don't beat yourself over not being able to help them or keep them out of trouble. Such people seek trouble for themselves all the time. Don't pander them with your trust votes if you don't believe in their ideas, you pave their way to hell and beyond.

Thank you for reading and supporting my posts.


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A friend who can't stand to hear a true opinion and becomes an enemy because of it, was never a real friend, but someone in search of flattery.


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Not many like the truth in reality, especially if the truth is something that goes against their what they hanker after. I guess people make mistakes in a heady emotional moment like that. Thanks for stopping by @aiuna

I can relate to this, not only as someone who has been the supportive friend, but as the person who has listened to advice and then done the opposite! I think that sometimes people want/need to argue with another person because they know they may not be making the best decision but they need to defend the decision to someone other than themselves. I also feel like sometimes those who ask advice around a clearly poor decision are trying to break a pattern and truly do want help, but end up going down the same bad path once again. Hopefully it's progress for them, even if it's annoying and offensive to the friend that gave advice.
Sounds like your friend was not in the zone to listen to anyone, though. Hopefully he is learning from his mistakes and not blaming others...
Great post!

I didn't mean to make this post about my friend or what he did, it was just to highlight the fact that most often people will only listen to what they want to hear.
The truth or reality on the ground doesn't seem to be important to them in a heady emotional moment like that.
I do see what you are getting at.
Sadly he is struggling with his life at so many levels and losing his mind now.
Thanks for stopping by @corvidae

Of course! I appreciate what you shared in this post so much.

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-What a sad story of your friend Ma'am. if people only ask for advice just to get a "yes vote" then it only means their mind is not stable..and if your advice is against their advice they will become your enemy..ahw what kind of person was that..well he must be thankful to you for giving your time to listen to him..when I ask for advice like what you also said... I trust and respect the person, and I know she/will give me any advice that I will surely follow..and I failed to follow the advice there should be a valid reason..but still, I will always be thankful!
Have a blessed morning!❤🌷

#dreemer

Its not about one person, its a pattern that I see that kind of triggered me to write this.
Like I said I have been dealing with young people who are faced with major life decisions and they are at this emotional place where they really don't want to see reality.
So trying to get them to see the light is rather difficult not impossible though.
It is true that many of these young people have told me years later that they should have listened to me, though I do not give them any direct advice . I only help them see the reality for themselves.

I've come across people who think and act that way, but I just prefer not to give any advice (even when they ask me to).


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Haha wish I could do that, but being a youth counselor that wsa my job.

So sad you lost your friend just because of that even though you were minding your business when he came to you himself.

I think I've been in the two instances - asking for advice when I already know what to do and someone coming to be for advice and go to do a different thing.

It's not just fair to ask for advice and you wouldn't show any act that you listened at all, it would be better if you don't ask at all.

But then, as you said they ask just to get backups to their plans in mind. It's just bad, not nice at all. I don't want to be in such anymore.

Nice one sofs, I love this article.


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I have no problem with anyone asking for advise and not following it. No one can force their ideas on to others and I would be the first person to stand against that.
I was trying to understand and explain what is behind such behaviour.
While you cannot generalize behaviour , this is a pattern i have observed.
Thanks fro stopping by @merit.ahama

Yes, and will reject whatever else you say.

Hmm.. seems like.

The yes vote. This is why I don't bother with many people anymore. You couldn't be more accurate about this type. In fact almost everyone I know is this type. Attention seekers that don't care about anyone but themselves and their needs.

My kitchen manager whom I've known for almost ten years, was unhappy with work and had issues with some people. He asked me for advice. I told him he needs to talk to the owner our boss and see if he could help resolve things. He said he was going to do it the next day. Instead he went home and wrote a resignation letter and just handed it to him and walked away. Now he is leaving and we are short staffed and he's feeling sad. He could have just listened to my advice. At the end I am happy he is leaving and taking his drama with him.

To be honest I see a lot of people this way, a pattern which made me write this. Sad that your kitchen manager left without speaking to the boss. Kinda of happens when people make decision in an emotional state. I hope you don't have to suffer because of that decision.
Thanks for stopping by @carolynstahl

Oooops. I didn't expect that the friend turned out to end up his friendship with. To follow or not follow the advice is one thing and ending up friendship is another.

Well, that's true in most of the cases. If we give advice with sincerity (if the advice is against their will) people take us as someone who is against them.


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when people don't like to hear the harsh truth they hate even the ones who deliver it to them. This is more my understanding of their mindset rather than about one person. This is a mindset a lot of people have. They like having the yesman/ma'am kind of people around them.

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I have had the same experience and it has actually put me off from giving advices in general. There are times when I give advice but then say the following thing right at the end: ultimately it is up to you and your critical thinking about what to do in this case, I just shared my opinion. Also, I try not to spend hours and hours on giving advice or convincing a person who asks for advice especially if they very early on give me a hint that they will do the complete opposite of what I suggested. Its a waste of my time in that specific case. Still though, there are some people who do reflect on opinions and suggestions with more care and I respect that.

Hmm I can guess why. However my line of work used to be this until recently. Yeah, I do agree a number of people really listen and consider what you say.
Thanks for stopping by @moon-city.