Digital
2021
Trigger warning: Being pinned down, surgery, feeling of torture
15 years ago, I underwent a surgery for my whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it-disease on my neck. Doctors decided I should be awake during the operation.
Surgery time!
I was pretty nervous but I trust them cos they're professionals.
Plot twist: the anesthesia failed.
I could literally feel all the cut, snip, and all the motherfucking pain you could ever imagine like I wasn't given any anesthesia at all.
I screamed and moved.
Doctor shrugged it off and instructed the assistants to pin me down while he continues his surgery. And the motherfuckers did.
I screamed in excruciating pain and told them to stop. They didn't. For the whole duration of the surgery, I could feel all the pain and they didn't listen.
Worse, I can see my reflection in the turned-off surgical light. I can see a small 9 year old girl being treated like a pig.
There were around 5-6 people pinning a helpless girl down.
One pregnant assistant even told me to just hold her hand. Like what's it gonna do, relieve my pain? It fucking didn't you fucking genius. Maybe tell your stupid head surgeon to stop the operation or fucking call the anaesthetician for his miscalculations or maybe just kill me so all the pain would stop???
Now it haunts me every night. I get flashbacks randomly because these fuckers didn't even think of the psychological effect it would give me.
Fuck you and your stupid brain. Fuck all of you even more for pretending it went well and didn't schedule me up for psychological debriefing the day after cos you're afraid everyone will know your malpractice. Or you just didn't care about the psychological effects or you have no empathy or you have a surgery diploma but is still a dumbfuck.
I hope your kids never experience the same.
Damn, that's so horrific! Your parents should have sued them for all they were worth, or had them stripped of their license to practice. If it had been me, I wonder how I would have turned out as an adult? Would I have become a serial killer, one who kills medical professionals, an assassin, or a trigger-happy soldier? Anyway, it would have surely fucked me up real bad to turn me into some kind of vengeful monster.
I forgot about the traumatic event the next day, so I haven't talked about it for the next couple of years. Brain blocks out traumatic memory as a coping mechanism, thus it gave me PTSD. I only talked about it 10 years later when the memory started coming back and I noticed it was affecting my life.
Yeah, those are possible for some people... I still would hope you won't tho, destroying other people's lives won't make you satisfied (only temporarily) but yeah most serial killers are like that :/
For me tho, there was one point in my life where I hated men (the doctor was a man). I couldn't even talk to my dad during those times, not even a single word, just pretend he didn't exist. And I couldn't explain why (as I don't have any idea of the PTSD yet).
Thankfully there's art. So all the horrific things I can think of (self sabotaging) can only be seen in paintings.
Beautiful artwork!!
Thank you! :D
extraordinary work dear hidde
Thank you!
Wow! What a story of what must have been a terrible experience that I wish nobody would ever go through. Forgive me for saying so, but it has led to amazing art! It just sucks ( for you ) that is has been created in 'hell'
Big hug and keep your creativity going 💚
I don't wish this on anyone either, not even my enemies.
Thank you! I think works from pain are powerful. :D And I had also said to myself that I won't let this experience just victimize me all the time. I found a way to monetize my pain (hahah) and yeah I won't let it bring me down. I'm taking advantage of that pain to make me "successful" in my own terms. Then when I'm well-known, hopefully the surgeon and the assistants hear my story somewhere and let them reflect on themselves. That's how I do my ''revenge''.
Hermosa obra, terrorífica historia! Saludos y éxito.
Thank you! :D
I knew about the surgery you went through but i didn't know this was what you felt :(
they'll get their karma hopefully and love the digital works as always ❤️
I haven't told you about the trauma? Or I probably didn't know that time haha. Yeah they'll get it soon, the universe will do it not me :D
no, all i know is that you got ptsd due to some guy before at ford academy? it was explained to me by our prof, i guess it was very vague for me to understand. 😅 but now i know
uhmm, no. Wrong info about my PTSD 🙄 And yeah dunno I became a topic that time
you became a topic that time after you got an disagreement with sir vic during your thesis defense and sir jun shared about it
Hmm, dunno if I can say it was a disagreement because it never was. As panelists, you shouldn't ask personal questions and should always stay on the topic (which prof did ask a personal one). To say it was a disagreement means I agree it was an opinion or how I think the situation would be... but the right thing is that panelists should just stay on the topic and not cross the line. So yeah it was more like a fact.
well.. the disagreement was just a thought that time, as to i wasn't really fully aware of whats going on, haha sorry and i get you about asking outside the topic, he always does it, thats why i keep on insisting saying about the scope and limitations to shut him up hahah
but still wrong info. hahah
This is too much. 🌸