A small town somewhere near Houten, Netherlands - Life story

in Team Ukraine6 months ago

What's the point of living if you cannot breathe properly? This one thought stuck in my head and I am unable to remove this thought. In my last post, I mentioned that my doctors have changed and somehow I have to adjust to my new long-term doctors. My panic attack started again and I feel restless at night. I regularly take medicines but now they seem they don't help much. I feel desperate at night, my body doesn't listen to me. My mind and brain are against each other and they often fight. I look like a normal person with no injury but inside me, it's completely shattered. I cannot stop thinking and due to overthinking, I cannot sleep at night.

I never counted how many times I woke up at night, I stopped counting. I feel scared thinking what if I cannot control myself and hurt myself? I thought of hurting myself to reduce my pain several times. Even I searched for sharp objects around the room so that I can finish myself and stop my pain. You must be thinking after all these medicines and treatments, why still I am in such a condition? PTSD and depression are killers, they are like a slow poison that eats you every day. Last few days not only I have been thinking to finish myself but also I couldn't stop crying and being sad. I hate people around me and I just can't accept individuals around me. People and crowds make me feel irritated and overwhelmed. I don't wanna see myself around people. It gives me a headache and the crowd often reminds me of the past when I was in Kharkiv station trying to catch the evacuation train. I somehow merged myself in the present and past and feel stuck there.

I started writing keywords of my feelings. I write my trigger points, emotions, and timing so that when I meet my doctor, I can explain otherwise I keep forgetting everything. My body and mind feel so heavy and blurry and it's difficult to remember everything that triggers me. I go out for a long walk regularly but sometimes walking doesn't help at all. Somehow the incidents of the last year trigger me every single moment. I often think I am going crazy; thoughts of hurting others or myself don't sound normal but my aggression level is so intense that I cannot stop these thoughts. I fight with myself every day.



A few days ago I went somewhere unknown. The travel was not intentional, I was kinda lost and ended up in a small village in Holland. It was a suburban area located near Houten. A very calm, clean, and beautiful small neighborhood. My destination was somewhere else but like I said my brain doesn't focus or work properly so I ended up somewhere else. At least for a while no matter how I was feeling, I ended up somewhere new far away from the city.



The town was really clean, I didn't see any single fallen leaves around. People there use bicycles as daily transport. Most of the residential buildings were located near the canal. The canal seemed to hold the entire town and became part of the urban landscape. The curved streets and walkways also blended with the landscape and greenery. The arrival of spring was clearly visible there, the blooming magnolia and cherry blossom branches were like inviting me to relish their beauty.

I should have taken a lot of photos but ya I didn't. I couldn't actually because my concentration and my mind don't go along with each other. The weather was rainy, and that was the key reason for me not enjoying this beautiful small town in the Netherlands.



The people of this small town were very friendly, they communicate with each other. How do I know? Because whenever I was walking, someone was saying hi to me or waving hands, or smiling at me in a friendly way. In Almere or in Amsterdam, people don't do that, big city people don't have time to greet each other but in small towns like this, people are friendly and generous. I wish I could live in such locations but a refugee like me only can dream about living in such locations.


The town is located far away from Almere, almost 1 hour of train travel. I don't think I will be going there again because that location was not on my list. This was a remote location, and no taxi or Uber was available. The only way to travel was either own a car, train, or bicycle. How I returned to my home is another story.


Anyway, somehow I blame myself for my situation because last week my doctor was telling me to change the dose of my medications but I didn't want that. My point was I am already weak and trying to adjust to the current dose of medication. But this decision was a mistake because now I feel I need a higher dose of medications. The next appointment will be after 2 weeks so I don't know how I am going to adjust in the upcoming days because at night my mental condition gets worst.

My depression is clearly visible in front of me, I just feel I cannot do anything about it. I try hard to keep myself stable and controlled but somehow at some point, I break and lost control over myself. My emotions, triggers, and thoughts become so intense at night and I feel pity for myself. I suffer every single moment, I just can't do anything about it...

Happy Easter everyone...



I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...

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Step by step, day by day. You’re doing great, dear. Keep it up! ♥️

Days are longer than I have imagined and the process is really long. I barely could control myself thinking when I will be normal...

Yes, the days can go on forever... but they last the same 24 hours as the rest. Today may suck, but there's a tomorrow that comes sooner than we realise. Keep up the good work! You're doing great! ❤️

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Although, it is still early days and nobody is expecting you to recover over night.

The small town you visited looks really nice. Very clean. You are right, people are too busy in the city, I think. I live in the midlands which sometimes gets referred to as the north. Northerners have a reputation for being friendly. Someone I know from the south said that when she travels north and goes into a shop, she gets to know all about everybody's life story, and then eventually gets served! It's quite true!

Please hang in there, you found some sparks of joy visiting the small town. I'm sure in time, you will find some more. X

nobody is expecting you to recover over night.

Well, on the other hand, my employers decided to put wage sanctions on me LOL...

Small towns are always nice to visit even in Ukraine I have seen that too. People are friendly and communicate more when city people don't have time to look at you. When I go out with Gigi, I saw many dog owners who don't like to communicate but in a small town, people love each other's dogs. Here where I leave, people avoid me when they see Gigi with me...It sometimes annoys me a lot...

I'm sorry about your wages. Some people are so unsympathetic. If they walked in your shoes, I'm sure they would struggle, big time.

It's such a shame that people avoid you when you have Gigi. They are so missing out. I gravitate to people with dogs. In fact, I remember the dog's name but never their owners! I have my priorities right. 😁

I'm sorry about your wages. Some people are so unsympathetic. If they walked in your shoes, I'm sure they would struggle, big time.

Reality is always cruel and it is what it is. I have anger but that's all. I can't do much about it.

It's such a shame that people avoid you when you have Gigi. They are so missing out. I gravitate to people with dogs. In fact, I remember the dog's name but never their owners! I have my priorities right. 😁

I also thought about it even in Kharkiv, people were generous and let their dogs play with Gigi. Anyway, Gigi is becoming like me, anti-social and she hates small dogs :D

Good old Gigi. 😁

Town is really great. People feel how to make nice environment for themselves. And just one bastard decided to have an air conditioner on the wall.

That’s what irritated me at home, since lots of people did not care how their home looks for the others.

Nice natural ventilation is always important and many people don't care about the look, they prefer comfort but they forget how they are affecting the surroundings...

since lots of people did not care how their home looks for the others.


Nice trip to a nice Town! Did this trip make you feel better, at least for a moment? Maybe this is a good way out of depression...

Take care! Happy easter 💛

Long trips are kinda exhausting for me because of my medication. I get tired so easily and then struggle a lot coming back home. Such kind of quiet neighborhood is always helpful to heal, I just don't have the energy to enjoy it...

Happy Easter Asia...

Hi Priyan, I just read through every word of this post and looked through the photographs. It seems that you wandered into a little slice of paradise while waltzing through a personal hell. You're deep in troubled waters right now, but at those times I want you to try to do me a favor, because you'll be helping me a lot: whenever you're in that deep state of uncontrollable anger or thoughts of hurting yourself, bring your mind straight back to your walk through this town. Picture nothing but what you saw, and concentrate solely on that. For that moment, there is nothing else but your walk through the town and the images that you see, the air that you smelled, the sounds, and the waving people.

Please do this for me and please let me know what happens. You'll be helping me. I'll rely on you to do this and let me know how it goes.

Also, for whatever little it may be worth, I'm so proud of you for expressing your emotions here, in such a healthy outlet. If you ever need help with your fight, that's absolutely ok, and feel free to reach out to me for the support. We rely on each other to grow - we're programmed that way! And yes, you are very much worth it. 😊

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I hope you get better soon! Think that it could have been much worse, you were actually one of the lucky ones who managed to escape the warzone! Others weren't so lucky.

whenever I was walking, someone was saying hi to me or waving hands, or smiling at me in a friendly way. In Almere or in Amsterdam, people don't do that, big city people don't have time to greet each other but in small towns like this, people are friendly and generous.

I guess that's valid for pretty much every country in the world. 😂

Netherlands and conquering the water, long story

Ya long story and canal mean Netherlands...

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Thank you once again @wesphilbin for directing me here. 😊

It's good that you traveled to a nice new place, even if you got there by mistake.

I read you and I am concerned, I can only wish that the treatment works faster, I also recommend that you pay attention to the doctor's instructions, if possible discuss with the doctor while you are in consultation to explain and that the treatment is more adjusted to your case, but once they give it to you, listen to the treatment.

I wish you the best possible and that everything gets better for everyone.

!GIF My best wish to you

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Hi dearest @priyanarc This is sad, Can you please take a week off and travel somewhere, maybe India? That will give you a break and help you build yourself up again.
If not possible, I can always give you a virtual hug and pls do remember, You have many friends including me whom you can ping anytime.
Take care friend.
Love and light.<3

Happy to see but you again here but I think since log time you not activate on dtube.

Hi @priyanarc How are you?
Totally understandable when there is chaos inside then the outside beauty doesn't matter.
I am hopping for your best. Wishing you peace and happiness friend.
Take care.

Hello there, my friend. Again, I hope you're feeling better than yesterday 😊

Such a beautiful and tranquil place you'd been, just what you need to quieten your thoughts.

Please take care of yourself. You're a brave girl.