I had a very long tiring shift today. For others, it was a weekend but for me, it was a work day. The good thing is I am getting paid but not extra. As I work in a 4-star hotel restaurant kitchen so during weekend, it always busy. I had to start my shift today at 6.00 am and I was feeling completely devastated after 8 hours of work. I hardly was able to move my legs and I felt like my body and muscles were tearing apart. The pain was unbearable and I had to take a double pain killer today. From breakfast till lunch I was constantly working though I had 30 minutes break. That 30 minutes break is almost nothing compared to the amount of work I do.
Today something happened. During break time I was having a cup of tea and a cigarette (here a cigarette is very expensive though). Suddenly I was having a flashback and found myself in the middle of the evacuation train in Ukraine during the war. It was like I was back on the train (hallucinating) and the whole picture of my struggle was in front of me. It's hard to forget what I had to see and experience in life, the horrible experience on the evacuation train fleeing from the war zone is unforgettable.
I will never forget those 40 hours in my life. 21 hours I was on the evacuation train, scared. I was able to manage a small sitting space for myself which was only 15 inches, I was scarcely able to move or sit. I was kind of stuck near the window of the train and Gigi was with me also. I remember in that 21 hours, I didn't get a chance to drink or eat something, and I was not able to go to the toilet because the toilet was full of people. The passengers on the train were very rude and panicked. Of course, war broke out so everyone was trying to flee and survive, wanting to save their life. So do I...
My experience from Kharkiv to Lviv on the evacuation train was horrible and scary. The entire experience sometimes haunts me and I cry silently. When I reached Lviv (train station), I was not so sure where to go. It was 3.00 am in the morning/midnight and there was no help on the cold winter night. Volunteers came at 6.00 am but before that, I was sitting on the street of the train station with Gigi. I was feeling like a homeless and it is true that I seemed like a homeless person. I still cry every day thinking about why I had to go through all this. If I were in Bangladesh or in another country, probably I didn't have to see all these. Trust me the street where I was sitting at Lviv station was so dirty that I was about to vomit. On the other hand, Gigi was untrained, stressed, and panicked because of the war situation and she was not stable and calm at all. She was pulling me all the time and wanted to run away.
I remember I was trying to find a taxi or bus to reach to Poland border but I didn't find anything at that moment. I was completely alone with my dog and I had no energy left because of 21 hours of journey. I was about to faint but I was thinking that I have to reach the border at any cost. When volunteers came I managed a bottle of water and a toilet. Lol...The queue in front of the toilet was insane, it was a long queue. Lviv train station was overcrowded and it was a crazy situation. I don't know how I survived and made this whole journey, I was never capable of doing such things in life. And I cry almost every day thinking about everything.
I had to face the military (not volunteers) at Kharkiv railway station and all I can say is that it was so scary and awful incident for me. Because I am not white, I don't look like a Ukrainian no matter what my resident status in Ukraine. One man from defense even threatened to shoot me and my dog on the spot if I don't leave my dog.
I changed, my life changed and my mentality changed. I know many people in life have never experienced such tragic moments as I did. I never knew what a war situation looked like until I experienced it by myself. Yes, right now I am safe and healthy, I gave Gigi safe and good life but I still feel empty. Some dark memories in life are indelible and they will stay with me my entire life.
I guess I will never be able to be normal like before...
Thank you so much for reading the post...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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Your memories are heartbreaking, and makes me cry too. 😱😢
In the moment of danger, people drop their masks and become themselves, and their true faces are sometimes not good. Sometimes I also get a sudden wave of memories and I cry. Maybe, there must be a certain amount of tears we have to cry before these memories become less painful and traumatic.
Just keep on living. Walk with Gigi, work, talk to people, meet acquaintances, keep your mind busy. Hold on, you are strong, and you'll find your way.
!LUV and hugs!
@zirochka(1/1) gave you LUV.
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Yes and I think it's a good sign also. You know people every day...
That's what I am trying to do but in the shelter, almost everyone is in depression and keep fighting with each other :D
You are right, maybe there is a reason which I don't know yet...
Then, try to stay in the shelter as little as possible. Is there a way to move from it? My acquaintances who are in Austria and Germany, spend in a shelter up to month, and then they were moved to apartments.
Here in the Netherlands, they have a big housing problem so right now, they can't find anything like that for me and for my dog...
So bad 😒😥
Not everyone wear masks. Some people are showing their true face in their pure honesty. But only a few. Or at least nowadays I know only a few. They are always straigth and honest, and they always tell you the truth. They are always honest.
As I see it, nowadays this is a real rarity. These personality traits and behaviors are very valuable. Especially if it is true to someone amongst your family and/or amongst your friends. They are reliable, and you can always expect the best from them. They are the best friends.
Oh, Priyan, I am so so so sorry that you went through this and are still in that emotionally. And trauma like this can make physical pain so much worse, too.
I am glad you are physically safe and hope that you can find some inner safety as well.
Love to you and Gigi. (Is her period over yet??)
Also hope a curator picks this blog up so you can make a little (emphasis on little 🙄 with crypto these days) more money and won't have to work as much while you recover.
I sometimes wonder about my behavior and I realize something is not right but keeping myself busy sometimes helps a lot.
Nah, but I have found a solution so that she and I both can comfortably stay together and share our bed :P :P
I really don't expect anything because Holland is very expensive... And we are in bear market I guess...
Is trauma recovery therapy available to you? I've been seeing a therapist for stuff that, while practically nothing in comparison to what you've been through, had a big impact on how I live my life. The therapy has really helped me with learning to cope with and even prevent triggers. It took a lot of work on my end but it has helped so much. Most of my weird unhealthy behaviors have evolved into relative normalcy.
Hi Gigi!
Well, I was taking it, I was talking to someone but I didn't continue because of lack of time. But as I don't have any health insurance yet and some psychologists don't consider me a Ukrainian so they denied giving me free sessions so somehow it didn't happen. unfortunately...
It's complicated... Gigi said Hi to you...
Darnit well I hope something works out.
🐾💕
Let's see, I guess after this month I will go to another city for a break to have a nice weekend. I hope that will help...
I hope so! Breaks are good.
Stay safe, keep blogging!
!WINE
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Thank you...
You are having a very dark time. You Keep writing. Did they finally give your dog back to you?
Yes, in exchange for 500 Dollars I was able to travel with her on the train... I try to write and will keep writing...
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Thank you...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You'll come out of this with a hardened shell. 😎
Ah you can say I have skin of a Rhinoceros :D
I'm glad you managed to write all of this down. It sounds bloody horrendous. I hope things change to make your life a little easier. Glad Gigi is still managing to sleep with you! 😊❤
I hope so, Gigi is on the heat so it's very hard for me to maintain her now but I am trying my best...
I know it's a difficult time when your dog is in season. My friend's cockerpoo was in season and everytime I went near her she tried to hump my leg. It must be my animal magnetism!
Yes, Gigi sometimes tries that too but recently I have noticed that she stays very calm in the room when she is with me. Gigi sometimes keeps her distance from me and loves to stay in her own place...
She might be coming to the end of it then. Fingers crossed.
Hehehe, I must admit it was a lesson for me because at home she had her own space but here we both struggled a lot...
Keyword: Survivor , and now youre becoming a thriver. One day at a time. The past cant be forgotten but focus on the future when the past becomes further and further away.
Best wishes and a future full of love, health and happiness Priyan :-
I won't deny it but I can say it's a real struggle and sometimes I feel so tired of it. I am now scared of my future and don't feel focused and confident. I always feel like if something happens again and I will lose everything again...
Gigi says Hi to you...
Losing everything and having to start again can always happen, whether through war or divorce, business failing, the opportunities are endless but keep fighting the thoughts and take a tip from Gigi.
Gigi lives in the now, just needs a hug and affection, will tell you when she's hungry or wats the toilet and because of this, is happy and contented. We are not animals of course (except Putin!) , but we can still try to be more like them :-)
Once you will just smile and be proud on yourself, going through all of this drains you, stay strong and crack when you need it.
Crying is also part of healing. 🍀
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