Well, this morning has been.. different.
It started off, just the same - woke up without the alarm, started to go about my things, ended up pacing back and forth, contemplating, something, apparently not that important, as I can't even recall it. Something silly about how my brain has now started to suggest cheating as a viable option - wake up, write the post and go back to some more solid sleep.. when out of a blue.. an explosion.
Or so it seemed at first. I pride myself on not being easily scared, but I was scared alright. I went up to close the window that I had opened to air the room, half afraid of what I might see through it. Nothing.
I sat down to breathe and be present with all the energies that got blasted up to the forefront of my immediate awareness - nauseating fear dominating the scene. My mind wanted to have answers and right on the spot. Something really bad had happened, it judged, and it needed to know what exactly. Heh, brains, am I right?
By the second blast, that sounded smaller and further, a light rain had started to trickle. Right, so something definitely got struck by lightning somewhere close by. But this wasn't your regular lightning storm that prewarns you of its approach by soft and gentle rumble.
So, right, we know the cause, to settle the brain, but the energy and emotions are still all over the place - this will take some meditating, some leaning in as it is abundantly clear to me that just dismissing the feelings would not be a viable solution.
So I sit with my fears, fear of darkness, oh, hello, haven't seen you since childhood, fear of lightning storms themselves, yup, long time no see! Fear of TOO much energy coursing through the neural wiring. Fear of generic "bad stuff happening", what a more appropriate time than 2020, to sit with THOSE fears.
I soon enough understand that this process has been long overdue, and no wonder that I needed no less than an explosion to finally fess up, own up to and look at these fears. As I recognize that a silent tear rolls down my cheek.
Talk about a tower moment!
My mind becomes uneasy. Are we done yet here? I check in with the emotions - oh, no, no, far from it. This is bigger, this is deeper, this is, yup, generational. I stumbled upon THE fear. And oh, no, obviously it is not about myself or dying or anything like that - it's about the fear for Motherland.
...And commence the cathartic ugly cry!
It's been a blast!
Have, a hopefully calm day ahead, I'd suggest sitting with your fears before the Outer decides it's way overdue.. and see you soon enough.*
*Provided reality doesn't suddenly collapse in on itself, that is xD
~Josie~