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I always find difficulty in trying to open a conversation with someone in a personal setting. I feel like such action requires a lot of energy and effort for me to take on. I cannot always bear the cost of spending my time talking to anyone as a kid. Although, I don't really remember how I was socially back then but I believed that interacting with humans is one of my weakest points. I don't know if I should blame myself for growing up like this or find someone else to pour my frustrations over this damn thing.
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It started when I discovered that I can actually write a story like what I have read in my elementary books. I mentioned here before that I had that one particular friend who have read my piece for the very first time. I cannot forget the comfort and bliss it brought me because I feet validated through her words. When we were a little older, we always spend our lunch time together in the backyard of our classroom because we figured out it was a perfect place to write. A place away from the noise of the other kids playing on the school ground plus the nature view of big trees and great vines hanging on the school's wall. It was a moment to cherish until I remember how I lost that notebook where I've written my stories. And it felt as if, where I have found a purpose for myself was lost along with it.
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If you think about it, losing your notebook on such a reckless move is very petty. But when all my other notebooks were kept in an old attic box like a moth-eaten collection, I realized I didn't really bother about those papers. I have only realized I was a lonely kid. No one will read what I will write all the time. I was envious of the other kids who get to make everyone in class laugh because they had great social skills. I was angry at everything because why did school never bother giving a hand to children like me? Why is it always the gifted, talented, confident, and active in class kids get to receive all the opportunities and chances? While I sit at the very back with a brochure I picked from the ground and I was scolded because I was accused of learning make-up instead of listening to a math lesson. A funny experience for my classmates but it took me years to pat myself and say it's okay.
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And back then, when my heart was very ignorant and despiteful, I can never take everything and accept that these were my shortcomings. I did not go easy on my younger self. That's why what I'm made of is only loneliness. I believed I can never rely upon others, not because of pride but because I'm just a shy kid.
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Did I ever gain friends? Of course, I gained a few. Or at least a friend before I graduated from my grade school. I never really had a group of friends I called my own not until I reached junior high school. That was one of my biggest steps in coming out to the world of belonging to something. I also transferred to a new environment so I felt like I replenished my broken social battery. That's because I was comforted by the idea that I was no longer surrounded by everything that made me feel small. That's what I thought. That's what I felt. I gathered strength in that idea to recover all those years that I called myself a loser.
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I redeemed myself by being a dedicated student and a class officer throughout my junior years. I believe being a high schooler really covered up all that shy drama. It's my era. My growth as an individual. My progress all at once. I have developed confidence all those years that I'm trying to blend in because I realized nothing will ever come to my liking in a snap. I reunited with kind people and made them for keeps. I was given great friends that helped me in ways I never thought I needed but I truly did. It was a war in my head that I thought about giving up because what's there to fight for? That's probably what I'll ask myself if I am all but embracing change. But I realized all those years that it takes only one step to improve, to gain leadership, develop compassion for others, give yourself a chance, make amends with your lonely heart, and realize that you are worthy. Because everything will follow to its right places.
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Speaking as my current self now, I will not say that I am the best version yet. But I have ridden all those burdens that kept me from growing up. I'm not the same kid anymore who stays inattentive in class because I cannot hear from the back row. I have found myself a talent that if others can, I shall have as well in my unique way. I have found purpose from change and embraced it like a better individual. I gained confidence, friends, achievements, my definition of success, and a life worth surviving for.
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What about you? What is your biggest step in coming out to the world?
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@rks.wuhdrelis
A warrior of liberty. With ink stains on her mind and soul. Maayong adlaw! This page contains the information you might want to know about the author. She goes by the name Arques and is under the username @rks.wuhdrelis. She lives in Cebu, Philippines, and is a proud Bisaya. She is a listener of music and is currently drowning in the rhythm of her pop-punk playlist. And she reads too, either depressing or hilarious books. Words from MJ, btw.
Arques is an 18-year-old girl, on a mission to her dream college and a writer wannabe is her reputation. There's a thin line between writing and music that enthralls her mind to scribble every time she has a chance to. To write is to dream and to dream is to be free. Except for nightmares, she believes so. She fancies writing prose poetries that is usually about childhood, life, love, tragedy, something peculiar, or even unnamed emotions. Stay tuned!
Her muse is Julia Choi from the K-POP girl group, ITZY. Images from this blog are retrieved from @itzy.all.in.us on Instagram. Thanks for making it here!
i am so proud of you babe, always been and always will. i so love this post of yours and you really deserved all the best.
thank you babe 💗💗💗💗
I always was extremely introverted as a kid. Although I had a couple people around me at the time, I sometimes always had it at the back of my mind to not give myself completely to any one of them. Perhaps, my seeming fragility caused me to be skeptical about a number of people in my life. Quite frankly, now that I think about it, I'd say I was rather childish. Which I was. 😃
Thanks for posting this.
P.S You wouldn't mind if I made a post on the question you asked, right?
Me same! I could relate to that until now but I have better understanding as how to value the people in my life.
I wouldn't mind at all! @vincecharlie Don't forget to mention me, I'd like to read it too. : D Thanks for passing by my post.
I'm honored. Thank you for allowing me to do the post.
P.S I just finished publishing a couple minutes ago. Just thought I'd let you know. 🙂
yay! 😊🤙 Happy sunday to u!
happy sunday po. thanks for passing by!
Oh my goodness, I felt so identified with every word of this text.
Thank you for sharing, reading this gives me strength to continue with this internal struggle that many of us deal with.
Hi @elisa2021! Thank you for reading my blog. I'm glad that this post motivated you in its way. Much love 😻
We only can just try and keep trying to be our best selves
Agreed! We may fail oftentimes but that's part of our journey. The important thing is that we kept on moving forward and continue to outgrow ourselves. Thanks for reading @sergiomendes!
Being introvert have advantage and disadvantages. We can finish a task alone and it is so hard for us to go along with other people. But off course we are giving our best to deal with other people.
That's true po. The thought of interacting with others daily exhausts us even without doing anything yet. But we have always struggled and in that, we are overcoming our fears day by day. Thanks for passing by, ate Jen.
There are a lot of perks to being an introvert but the downside is that most of us are shy, we don't do so well in social gatherings. The truth is that socializing is a skill and like any other skill, it needs to be used frequently before we can master it or be comfortable with it. Introverts spend most of their time indoors and mostly alone, it doesn't give room for frequent socializing. I have discovered that the more I spend time outside, the better I become at socializing. It's just a skill that needs constant practice 😊
Thank you for that! For some, they may still find it hard as they think socializing is somehow showing/giving a part of themselves. That requires more time and courage to be able to do it. But I am glad that I am giving myself the courage to step up and overcome my shyness in many ways. And say that I am getting there. We are getting there. ❤️
This is exactly my story back then.
I sometimes blame the teachers for not helping us socialize, for not noticing our present and for loving some more than us.
At some point my feelings started to consume me and it made me more angry and too reserved I was also bullied because of being too shy.
I was try to please everyone in expenses of my own happiness.
But that's not me anymore.
I've build my confidence, I speak out when am not comfortable, I'm still a work in progress.
I also have some few amazing friends who love me genuinely for who I am and they appreciate me.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Aww, giving you a friendly pat on the shoulder for overcoming that. 💗💗
I love this phrase so much. It embraces what we can do better today and in the coming years of our growth. Thank you for reading as well.
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thanks, @hivebuzz! i am up for that new challenge. with love 💕
You're welcome @rks.wuhdrelis! Have a nice day 😊👍