I was in desperate need of a hashtag unicorn the other day to brighten the moment when my stupid ass car didn't turn itself off. What kinda car starts and stops itself, parks and steers itself, but doesn't know to turn itself off after left unattended for two hours?? Unacceptable. Thing just sat there idling in the same spot I left it. "Road may be icy," that's another one.
Dear Subaru: Firstly, I appreciate the heads up each time the roads are icy, good lookin out!' What I don't appreciate is your unwillingness to engage the seat heater every time you remind me it's freezing outside! 'Road may be icy. Yeah, yeah, you always say that. So is my seat!' There's nothing hands free about vehicle operators pressured to push their own seat heater button with cold fingers. It's dangerous and irresponsible.
Genius, right?! One hashtag and it's like nothing ever happened
Or when the person at the register can't make a single purchase without scrolling through their feed the whole time, "uh hu.. okaaay.. (never once looking up at the cashier) uh hu.. like oh my God ok, yeah.. like I've been like totally digitally stalking the Kardashians for like 14 years and like seriously lack all social skills okaaaaay."
Tada! Like it never happened
Similar to an anti depressant only better cuz it's not science at all. Not in pill form or anything, it's just a hashtag.
Next time the old white bastard (cuz only old white dudes are bastards) instigates an altercation in the market parking lot, he won't have to panic like the passive natured, old, white and gray haired, terrified bastard he is:
"9-1-1!!! I'm calling 9-1-1!!"
Wanna use my phone motherfucker cuz your horn ain't doin shit!
Now it's probably necessary to fill you in on the backstory...
So there's this entitled old white bastard who can't drive, right? Two single-file lanes of vehicles are properly exiting a crowded parking lot by merging onto a public roadway in zipper fashion—right merge, left merge, right, left, right (zipper). But this dude whom I didn't know was an old white bastard at time of altercation nosed his car out toward my car expecting me to stop vehicle traffic behind me cuz he's too good to zipper.
I was in dire need of a hashtag
I continued tailing the vehicle in front of me like any other passive-aggressive, aggressive driver who knows how to zipper properly in traffic would do and....
H0O0NNK!!!
Now I'm compelled to get a better look at who tf's laying on their horn in this fancy, no zippering Lexus SUV with gold trim. I didn't stop traffic behind me. Instead I continued rolling forward as I rolled down my window to see who this obnoxious horn honker is that's making a scene in a crowded parking lot at my expense.
Oh, hashtag. Where art thou?
It's an old white dude, typical entitled bastard. He's staring and pointing frantically with every extremity like a gullible schmuck who jumped in ice water cuz his buddy promised he'd jump right after but didn't and instead he's bent over laughing uncontrollably at his frozen schmuck buddy who can't find his nuts.
"They were here a second ago"
I stopped, rolled down the black tinted window and motioned to the old white bastard with both hands opened in a horizontal position forcefully holding down air like an 80's break dancer whose ghetto box ate the cassette tape. He stopped honking long enough to maneuver his fancy Lexus rapidly toward my car in a failed intimidation attempt before coming to a sudden stop about a foot shy from my taillight.
I lost it
See, what that dude didn't know because he was too busy relishing in his own self entitlement is that morning was the morning of my cover image debacle. Old white bastard picked the wrong day to fictionally instigate a vehicular collision because he didn't know how to properly exit a crowded parking lot.
I threw it in park, released the seatbelt, hopped out the car and was at his driver door faster than a panicked old white bastard scrambling for his phone screaming "9-1-1!! I'm calling 9-1-1!" Screaming from his driver seat at a dude bigger than him with the same color flesh and probably more tattoos (to keep the bad people away) than he's ever seen up close like that who's half his age sayin:
Wanna use my phone motherfucker cuz your horn ain't doin shit! It's not my fault you can't drive.
#ClassATM I needed you! The solution would've been instant like a button on an uncooperative zipper.
There's a few cars backed up behind him now, about a dozen behind me including a UPS delivery truck and I felt a supportive atmosphere in the air. I could tell everyone zeroed in on the action like hexagons on a soccer ball agreed with my actions at that moment. He was wrong, I was not. But he was old and didn't deserve my public display of affection like that, I know better! If my grandmother were here she'd punch me in the mouth and wash it with soap.
But it was missing cover image day!! I was in a horrible mood that morning, it's no excuse to be disrespectful, it isn't something I'm proud of but he picked the wrong day to be an old white bastard. Had someone created #ClassATM prior to that altercation (gotta do everything myself) I wouldn't be entertaining the shit outta you with this story right now and the last thing that old white bastard heard would not have been:
Careful what you wish for old man or you might run into someone like me who got off to a really bad start this morning.
He's punching frantically on his phone screaming "9-1-111111!!!!!" I got back in the car, closed the door and put my seatbelt back on. Not a single car in front of me anymore, put in gear, calmly eased onto the main road and caught the green light.
Moral of the story: I got something that fixes all that stuff—everything. Next time, if there is a next time I'll just recite this hashtag and forget the whole thing happened.
#ClassATM
Reading your story, I imagined myself playing GTA and the drivers chased you because of a "closed". lol
But traffic fights can be dangerous. Here in my city I have to live with many idiots who do not know how to drive ... However, in Brazil, sometimes the traffic fight ends in tragedies. So I try to avoid it, not always. But I try, I will never know how the other person is that day or armed ...
Hey that's cool, glad I could be your game console this weekend.
Your city? Are you still in Brazil? We spent some time in Central and South America. I was shocked at the driving that I thought was crazy but no car accidents. Ever.
Carrying. In this state, Tennessee, you have to assume that because they are.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
I speak directly from the South of Brazil
More specifically in the state of Paraná. I don't live in big centers, the capital Curitiba is 150km away
Brazil is a destination we've yet to venture but if this life permits it, we'll be there sooner than you think.
Come to Brazil.
You will like it.
Brazil is very large and has several cultures. From the northeast to the south we have a wide variety of beautiful places and typical foods from that region.
Discover the beaches of the Northeast and especially Santa Catarina
You can also go to the Pantanal or the Amazon. Anyway, there are several options
Oh c'mon Covid, go away!
Every week a O.W.B finds me and tries to stir my shit...
I just LLAL (Laugh Like A Loon) and keep going. If I am feeling really devious I shoot em with a finger gun or give em a big pucker up fake kiss...
Almost always they resort to that tired old over used middle bird finger fuck you gesture.
And I LLACF even harder than a Loon. (Laugh Like A Crazy Fucker)
But last week I did a @dandays move and called the O.W B. Moron out.
I pull out onto a roadway with 2 lanes each way. Sure I seen the other big truck coming at me over a quarter mile away... Again 2 lanes each direction. No other vehicles near us. the CB radio lights up with obscenities. Calls me a bunch of dirty words. I hit the shoulder of the road and slammed on the brakes. And begged that stupid fucker who could not just go around me in the completely open and clear other lane, to stop and do something other than run his fat fuck mouth on a radio...
As usual, the O.W.B. kept on going...
29 years and only one time has a CB Rambo stopped to take it to the next level. But that is a story for another day, as this comment turned into a completely too long rant...
Thanks for reading my reply to your totally legit reaction that I gave a H.Y.O.L to...
(Hell Yeah Out Loud)
You're very welcome dude. I'll never skim a response—promise.
I swear I'm not a road rage guy. If someone gets weird on the road I usually just kill'em with smiles. That day was different dude.
And I don't like having to mention how white the dude was either but only old white bastards can be old white bastards. And the thing is, I know as much as they're unwilling to admit it, the truth is they're at their worst when the other individuals flesh doesn't resemble their own. I'm getting carried away.
Eh happy Easter! Thanks a lot for checkin this one out, we just got back from scoping out another downhill trail. Oh my fuck!! Wait'll you see this one. The baddest trail I've found so far. I like to scope'em out on foot with Pura once to identify hazards. Then once without the camera recording in the bike to get a feel for it. But each time after that is just a little better than the last. The thing's over a mile and it's straight.down.hill.
More video coming soon
I am not hardcore...
I just try to get a little cardio once in awhile...
Look up above my head. For nearly 20 years, I had a bike out on the big road with me.
Did you get a chance to check out the video I released back before the weather turned south?
Man I love that stuff. This trail we found today though, holy crap!
I watched the one where they was pissin' and moanin' cuz Kommunist Kali was kickin' thier arses in that competition.
Man that was so fun. I had no idea how popular that Windrock Competition was. I've Seinfeld had buddies call me to ask me if I went. I'm "yeah, no thanks to you! It was a fluke I event learned of the event."
That was a lot of fun. But nah, I filmed one of my rides awhile back. We haven't been in this area very long but when we got here I shopped immediately for a bike. This is the first ride I took it on, never even scoped out the trail or anything. "Gas pedal."
I've since filmed more I've just been way too impatient to do all the editing.
It's like 8 minutes long I think. Take your time, lemme know what you think. Whatever you do, don't crash. Happy Monday.
You're just too kind and forgiving these days, Mr. @dandays... Why didn't you merely smash him in the face, drag him from the car, then put a few rounds in him as he lay there, like you used to do in your California life...?!?!?!? World travel has softened you.
Eh wassup happiest man?
When we can we get back to doin it?! This whole forcing me to stay in one place with no positive noose in the near future's enough to soften the hardest knock-down, drag'em out LA native.
Which isn't me, by the way, those LA dudes scare the hell outta me like old guys with 9-1-1 on speed dial.
#ClassATM... Oohhhhh... Throughout the whole post I was thinking he is gonna explain at the end, the dude will not leave me hangin' but what if it is something I should already know??? What if it's a cool new #hashtag all the cool kids are using and I'm like, the only one?
Gahhh one more reason for me not to get invited to parties sigh
Ohh hallelujah, thank you God, Jo Pesci, Abraham Lincoln or whomever was my saviour at that particular moment!!!
I'm not an idiot, uneducated or even less cool than I believed I was, twas a @Dandays original! That's why I didn't know it. Funny thing is that I did know it, by many different names. It is something I have learned a hundred times over in my life and yet something I still fall foul of at times much to my own annoyance.
True words Brother and a #hashtag too, swish.
I came here via starting to respond to a comment you had left on a post of mine... 12 days ago 😲 whilst experiencing severe pangs of guilt then I thought
#classatmit's probably more productive to go see what the DanMan has been getting up to rather than writing a long grovelling apologetic toned response on my post from the dark ages ((in blockchain time)).Maybe if I could restrict myself to a line or 2 in response to commenters on my posts OR learn to type faster I could cover everyone, but I am resigned to the fact it ain't ever gonna happen! Then I thought...
#Classatm
Take good care of you and yours my friend, may the coming week be awesome man 👍😎
Script of the post variety - It seems I have a little work to do with using this 'particular' hashtag as I managed to use it differently at every point lol. I could've gone back and changed them but then I wouldn't have had this fun little addition to add to the comment
While I am still here or re-here via the edit feature, I guess what I was supposed to say is that just because I am shockingly bad at getting back after a comment, doesn't mean I ain't thinking about the cool friends I have met such as yourself. I can be 10 hours deep in to a shift at work and I think 'ahh crap, I still haven't responded to Dan, Galen, Melinda or whoever, they are gonna think I don't give a sh...' Well ya get the point man! 👍
Man what a great comment. Not that all your others have sucked but this one was special. Maybe cuz it's Easter. Happy Easter Steve! Maybe cuz it's Sunday, happy Sunday Steve! Then I was like 'he sure feels bad doesn't he? It isn't necessary, I know he thinks....'
#ClassATM
Like it never happened
You've always been cool in my book dude. Not the one that haven't written either! When you get to me, it's worth the wait. And if you're saying I cross your mind even outside this platform then...
#ClassATM
Wait! That didn't come out right. Well, depends how read it actually, as my man @stevenwood has made clear, it's a multipurpose one-size fits all #hashtag and even if you think you used it wrong you didn't. Oh where art thou when old white bastard is being himself?!
Thanks, Steve! Much love from wherever we are my brother.
All I have to say is LOL...
#ClassATM
💖
I say L.L.A.L. or L.LA.C.F. and then give him a H.Y.O.L.... See my comment to end your confusion.
Granny is an OG!
Hahaha nice one Buddy!
She set the bar dude. I got titles for the three women in my life, two past and one current:
Grandmother - The most beautiful woman I ever met.
My mother - Queen.
Pura - The most beautiful woman in my life.
Ed - Thanks for keeping an eye on me homie!
ooooooooh look at this man being such a gentleman
The way I look at it is that there are more assholes in this world than good folk.
Assholes tend to go overboard with most of their reactions.
Assholes feel like their shit doesn't stink.
Assholes think they are privileged and don't need to follow the unwritten rules of being courteous.
Assholes really piss me off, and the best way to get them totally out of their mind is to wave politely and give them a big smile.
With that said, a guy can only take so much.
Getting around in Upstate NY, traffic is NEVER an issue!
It's the only place I know where 4 way stop signs work.
You come to the 4 way intersection and stop first, it's your turn.
If 4 cars come to the intersection pretty much at the same time, each driver is signaling with a polite wave that the other person should go first.
Now, you should have seen the shit show while traveling to FL and during our stay.
Assholes would lay on their horn if you were being courteous to another driver.
We had experienced this at least a dozen times in a five-week period.
On the next to last day of our stay, we were zippering, as you put it and this one dude in his BMW was not having it. He laid on his horn, gestured rudely with both middle fingers, and decided that he was going to pull up alongside me in an attempt to get in front of our car.
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was do what I did, get @farm-mom all bugged out.
These are crazy days and you never know when someone is packing.
I exited the car and I think my size and a couple of taps, rather loud ones I must admit, on his window, while using some crude language kind of gave the guy a hint that I had enough of his shenanigans. It was probably a good thing we were In Florida, where everyone has their windows rolled up, or I'm afraid that I may have reached through the window and pulled the guy from his nice little sports car by his neck.
On occasion, It does feel good to behave a little crazy and let off some steam.
I sure do miss me some Sweed.
Good morning, Bob! Thanks for this comment, these are the best! When they act like that or anything other than acceptable when the women are in the picture, it's not gonna be good. BMW drivers are douche bags anyway.
Why is it I'm the only one questioning myself before I make an ass of myself? I would never cut my way in line whether it's at the salad bar, the market, or a parking lot. I can't help but think of the person behind me wherever I go somewhere. I always have that thought in my mind: 'you have no clue what's going on in their head.' That's just normal thinking for me so when some dude I've never met actually causes me to exit the got dang vehicle and frighten the shit outta him, I can't make sense of it Bob. WTF was he hoping to accomplish?! At his age, he can't afford a confrontation with anyone and, at his age, where's the fuckin fire?!
#ClassATM
Sorry that dude pulled that on you with farm-mom in the car. He was a step up from douche bag.
Copy that about having the windows up in Florida!
Thanks for checkin this one out @thebigsweed, these comments sections just ain't the same without you.
Eh, you guys ever get into any series shows/doc's on NetFlix? Pura knows my weakness: True story / documentary type / murder mystery'ish and I'll consume the series with her. Well the other day she found a short docuseries only 7 episodes long I think called The Serpent. It's about a world traveler Indian/American gem dealer who gets away with..... I don't wanna soil it.
About a year before my mother passed she shared with me something that brought a smile to her face and so much joy to her heart. While she was visiting with a friend of hers, that we all knew very well, her friend told her that she had raised some of the greatest kids she had ever encountered. She went on to tell my mom how courteous and polite we all were.
Being raised to respect others and be helpful was just a way of life, it just came so naturally that I never realized just how important this was to her.
Turning the other cheek has always worked for me and has allowed me to avoid so many confrontations.
We do have Netflix and I'll have to look into the show you mention.
Quick funny story. Just last week our very good friend who lives across the street mentioned 5 or 6 shows that she suggested were worth watching.
We wrote them down and looked for one of them the following evening, then we looked for the next one and the next one, never being able to locate any of them. About a week ago our son suggested a flick and I mentioned that we can't find any freaking shows that anyone suggests.
That's when he told me about the search icon on the top left corner of the Netflix page.
Yeah I know, technology or more likely, my stupidity confuses the hell out of me.
Now, tell me what you think is good and I can scope it out in a minute.
I didn't know there was a search bar!! Without Pura at the helm, none of those episode/TV watching things even work. I don't know how she does?? Every time, like magic. The Serpent <-- true story too dude. Nuckin Futs.
For some reason I have a feeling I woulda got along well with your mother.
So I'm not the only one, that makes me feel better.
Whenever there is a problem with the computer, tv, Netflix prime tv or anything plugged into the wall, I call for assistance.
We started watching Serpent, pretty crazy stuff. The guy is out of his mind.
I think we're on episode 4 or 5 and the authorities are finally on his tail.
I wonder how many people he did away with without even blinking an eye, hell he almost killed his girlfriend but at the last minute, something changed his mind.
I don't know too many people that she didn't get along with.
I never heard her speak badly about anyone. Don't get me wrong, if she had something to say she would speak her mind.
You knew when she was pissed-off at you, her right eyebrow would arch up, almost making it to her hairline. When she gave you that horseshoe brow you knew she was serious.
I wonder how many times I respond to myself? I bet it's somewhere near 1 outta 10. I've gone 20 or 30 without responding to myself, sure, but then I go on to respond to myself three or four times straight so it balances out.
I'm telling you this cuz if you scroll a little bit above this comment, you'll see I said it the first time to myself:
Watched episode 5 last night, I can't believe they got out of jail, money talks as usual.
Watched episode 6 with one eye closed, will need to watch that again!!!!
Funny story, years ago, when we first built our home we had no phone, internet, or television, but we had an old tv with a VHp, or VHd, or some type of VHsomething, whatever.
The general store down the road a piece rented videos. We got to know them really well, Mary and Tom.
After renting the same movie 5 different times, he finally said, keep it for a week, on me, you should be able to catch the whole movie by then.
I love movies and my question to Robin when we sit down to watch on is, so what am I going to fall asleep to tonight.
She raised a hell of a dude. Thanks man!
She raised a hell of a dude.
Anything plugged into the wall is funny! You guys watching The Serpent is frikkin cool!! Craaazzyyy story! You guys are gonna love it.
"These are crazy days and you never know when someone is packing."
That's exactly what I said when you went all stupid on me.
Road rage gets people hurt or dead.
Copy that @farm-mom. I promise it was totally out of character. I'm a kill'em with kindness kinda guy.
I just got back from a 12 hour car ride .... I’m a NYEr that tends to drive a little faster than the speed limit when traffic allows for it ... so driving thru some
States was pretty frustrating.... it’s like either speed up or get out of my way ... lol
Well check out this site for sore eyes. Long time no see, I hope this means you're back.
I'm so not the road rage guy, though. I'm the sarcastic dude who kills'em with kindness. That dude was a different character. Plus he caught me on a bad day.
Don't be a stranger!
Thanks . Yea I’m back. Just been super busy . Got COVID . Then got super busy again and decided I want to travel. Just got home. Going to Texas soon .... then the Caribbean.
I’m not a road eager either ( usually ) . I just feel either move or get out of my way . Lol .
Nice to hear. We've been doing a little traveling inside the US since we got here. Florida next month. As long as they keep us here, guess we might as well sign leases in different states.
HUH!
I'm so confused. The statement and gif could be read sooo many ways.
Happy Easter KemmyB!
I am known for a historically quick flipper finger, and don't care. I am a really big boy and when I'm riding I use my outdoor voice on those sorts of people. Usually makes 'em drop their phone.
The serious part of Arizona is that everybody has to presume that everybody else is armed and people get a lot more polite and courteous.
If you ever read that I got shot and killed at a car imbroglio you may as well figure that my quick finger pissed the grey haired midget off. Just sayin'
For the record: I don't wanna read that.
Happy Easter, Tom! Thanks for checkin this one man.
How cool is this? My man Curtis, C.W, him, coached and taught me all about that outdoor voice prior to riding that bike. He wasn't kidding, one Hey!!!! is deafening compared to a horn and I know I don't have to explain that to you. 👍🏿
Same here with the concealed thing. I'm such a Californian, it's not until after something like that I remind myself 'they're carrying in this state!!'
Yes sir. I'm not surprised that CW knew. I've seen people flinch sitting in closed cars :)
My aunt (that I looked after) was nasty as an old snake. I drove her everyplace in her Lincoln. One day somebody sawed us off and she said an appropriate word when she flipped him off. I suggested that the guy might clip off a shot or two and she said "Are you carrying?" (she knew dammed well I was) and when I said yes she said "You'll take care of that part." She was something.
!WINE
!BEER
for you
!HAPPYEASTER
Yay! 🤗
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