When I did the family tree research in the UK in 2020, I came across a photo with my great, great grandmother Rose. Sheesh, she was scary looking - very masculine and - let's say farmwoman. And on my German side, my Nana was very farmwomany as well. Strong, but I wouldn't say good looking. It's no wonder I look the way I do.
Okay okay I need to back up a little. When I say 'it's no wonder I look the way I do', I mean, I look in the mirror and go ew. And it's worse the older I get, especially with those freaking chin hairs that won't go away. I see photos of myself these days and I recoil at the middle age woman in them - who is this ugly, farmwomany person?
So I don't have the best self esteem, I guess, or kind of a physical dysmorphia where I just see ugly. We live in a world where looks are important, and where woman measure themselves against society's standards of beauty. It doesn't help to tell yourself that it's only skin deep or intelligence and humour are more important - there's those little knife cuts all the time when people are worshipping beauty and you're definitely not it.
My husband, however, thinks I'm beautiful. Like, really beautiful, in a 'Europeon' way (there's the German farm woman, Slovenian genes, a bit of Italian too, and some Yorkshire and West Country blood) that he seems to like. He stares and me and just says to me: 'you are so beautiful'. Woman aren't very good at saying 'thankyou' to such compliments. We generally think men want something, they're lying, and/or they're stark raving bonkers. So bonkers he is. He advises me I look much nicer when I'm not scrunching my face up saying 'ew' in front of a mirror or a camera. Granted, we are pretending to be gargoyles in Myanmar here, as you do.
I'm totally, totally grateful for his beer goggles. I tend to think 'well, at least someone thinks I'm beautiful'. And I think, well, at least I'm intelligent, as well. Libran woman tend to pride themselves on their intelligence, so that's about right. Perhaps though if I was dumb I wouldn't worry so much about how people saw me.
'At least' I'm smart. 'At least' I'm kind. 'At least' I'm funny. 'At least' I'm loved. See the kinds of things woman tell themselves because we're holding ourselves up against standards of beauty? It's debilitating. When I hear myself, I cringe. If I would feel sad hearing any friend say that about themselves, why do I do it myself?
Would I be willing to give up intelligence for beauty?
Intelligence is pretty handy. It makes me resourceful, creative, funny and able to get myself out of problems. It helps me interrogate, analyse and read the world in a way I enjoy. No one can take advantage of me - it's more likely I'll take advantage of you. Being intelligent is something I feel good about, even if it's an ego thing. Intelligence has helped me be flexible in my thinking to progress and grow in ways I don't think I would have if I lacked it.
Furthermore, it's a spiritual no. Superficial appearance is not the meaning of happiness - it's a fleeting, transient, impermanent thing that has no intrinsic value. Kindness and compassion have value. Non judgement has value - to judge others is to dehumanise, to take away their humanity for the sake of something utterly skin deep. And if I do that to others, I do it to myself. Woman are very good at this - it's a source of deep shame and pain, and damn society for perpetuating it.
Beauty is cultured and socialised, and thus is not real - it's a product of the era, and more recently, a useful tool to sell products. The 'body positive' movement has worked hard to counter this and it is more common to see older, larger bodies used to model clothing and swimwear as it is them, after all, who form a good proportion of the market. I feel quite strongly that we must always resist 'standards' of anything, let alone beauty. So to give up my intelligence for beauty would be against my punk resistance to anything that I've been taught to conform to.
Fuck that.
But if I come back in a next life, universe, please don't make me inherit my great grandparents genetics.
With Love,
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I love your conclusion on your husband and I'll join you by labelling mine the same, bonkers! 🤣 I can't even say I have much intelligence, either. Maybe that's why I almost believe him sometimes when he tells me I'm gorgeous.
I believe that looking in the mirror first thing in the morning is never good for self esteem. I saw myself one day and thought, good grief people are right! I do look like my dad!! That's not really a good look on a woman...
I try to remember that it's only ourselves that focus in on the worst parts of our physical features. Everyone else looks at us as a whole person and doesn't see those ugly bits at all.
Haha we are so harsh. I wish we could see ourselves through our husbands eyes. Maybe then we will be less critical.
I'm feeling inadequate crossed with a bit of fury today as he said we need to get a cleaner. Considering I clean every day and the one day the house was a mess was the day he was home making me work in the garage with him, well I was pretty wild. My ugly face was pretty bad I tell you.
Lol! Did you make the gargoyle face again?
Oh you! Now, I'd love to lecture you sternly about being more nurturing of yourself, but I suffer from the same things. As you said, aging isn't helping at all. But we do need to love and cherish ourselves, just as we are.
That's exactly right. I've heard it said that one of the best antidotes to these self-esteem issues is to actually think of that person in the mirror as a friend — a person worthy of love who needs to be reminded that she is awesome and beautiful.
Also, we need to have a better definition of beauty. It should include the wrinkles we've earned, and even those beautiful chin hairs.
I give that advice on Hive ALL THE TIME. Can I listen to myself? Nope. It's a woman's lot isn't it? I mean, I'm good... It's just if I catch myself in accidental selfie mode or see photos. 😂 Isn't it funny how we look back at old photos and think we look alright, yet at the time we didn't think so! I bet this is a familiar story to many of us. Thanks for the kind words xx
Ahhhh, but I think those same genetics gave us the river we all love, those sturdy farmwoman traits. So you got bits of their faces, I got the Griswold ears and the Allen nose... and those don't get smaller as you age. In fact, they get bigger!
But I also got the stubbornness and intelligence that's got me through a lot in my life. So it's a trade off...
Ha, yes, what a trade off! And thanks for the lovely, lovely comment. 💚💚 our friends believe we are beautiful and that's what matters, right? X
Yup, they know you well, much better than a mirror would...
yeah, bastard mirrors always lying and suggesting I'm old and fat! I need to ditch her!
No man! Intelligence is a curse! You're constantly stuck in a room full of idiots... You can see all the nuances and shades of grey and middle ground on any issue instead of just making a stupid decision and rolling with it...
As for attractive people... Well apparently there is a privilege to being attractive even in work opportunities and so forth...
You sure you'd choose the former over the latter? You sure that Marie Curie, who died from radiation, was having a better life than a pretty, thick girl having drinks bought for her at the night-club?
Hahaha - just kidding!
Oh man I was literally saying that to the hubs. Dumb people can't see nuance or shades! It's either vax or don't, for eg .. they don't see the complexity!!
You're right .. good looking ignorance would be bliss!!!!!
Hahahaha, maybe the universe will bring you to Nigeria and you have my own,lol.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lol, everyone from those times looked like that.
You are doing that whole mirror thing wrong. You have to look in it first thing in the morning and say to your reflection Hot fucking shit, you look awesome!!!
And follow that up with a
In fact you are awesome, a fucking amazing thing. You are a beast, an amazing beast, RAAAAR!
And the rest of the day just seems dandy!
I'll do that this morning... Again.
Hahaha yeah they did didn't they? Poor things had no filters. ...
Thanks lovely xxx
Looks like you got lots of thoughtful comments so I'll just be the idiot I am - Its better to have a wife thats average looking and smart because you can't fix stupid 😂 Thats from an American comedian Ron White.
I love you!!! That's a good quote. Intelligence is beautiful too.
In an amazing way, regardless of what you think of yourself, I think that you are a very beautiful person and I always admire you from a distance.
I hope that you will believe your husband that you are indeed beautiful
Love your intelligence all round and that's something to be proud of.
💜💜💜 Thankyou sweetheart.
If the people we care about say we are beautiful who else matters?
Exactly. That's my mantra. Then I catch myself in my phone reflection 😨😂
Curse those stray chin hairs!😆
Seriously though, this post made my entire day. One, because I share many of the same characteristics that you do when it comes to how I view my appearance. (and apparently genetics because I am a mish mash of (mostly) German, Slovakian, English, Swedish, and French.). I was overweight and had a big mole on my face for a good chunk of my life, so even if people said I was beautiful, I didn't believe them.
I'd rather be intelligent and valued for who I am rather than how I appear. Those societal surface standards are exhausting and fleeting anyway. Plus most people are so filtered and augmented by product now that nothing appears real.
What is real though, is the piece of yourself that you share on here through your writing. Even though I don't comment as much as I would like, every time I see a post of yours I smile, because it's always going to be a thoughtful, insightful, beautiful bit of something that only your unique soul can convey.
Hope you are having a beautiful day awesome lady!
!PIZZA
@generikat, you made MY morning with this open hearted comment. Honestly. Bless your heart.
We are all beautiful, we just are clouded by filters of our own making, right?
Aww, you made my following morning with your reply😊
And you are so right, we are all beautiful, we just need to remember to chuck those dang cloud filters into the wind lol!
Hope you are having a magnificent day!
!PIZZA
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