A mysterious vampire story! I love the beginning, especially the two figures staring each other and the howling, which is really otherworldly. The whole hospital backstory and her father was really interesting too! There was certainly a mystery as the reader tries to figure out if Arao is a good guy or a bad guy!
I did find it a little long though, if I'm honest... it could do with a bit of careful editing to strip down for clarity.
I was curious in what went wrong too, thanks for telling where it was😄
The advice from The Inkwell below might help too. If you want me to show you with a passage I'm happy to help. You definitely have the ideas! Hive is a great way to learn...
A small tip here, for one. I think you'll like it!
Why the snacks? Is it just to try to make the setting more real? If so, great. But make the description say something about character and add/or to the themes. Instead:
Every detail should work to build these things. Careful too of your tenses - be consistent about past (Bella remembered) or present (Bella remembered). Past is easier as a new writer. 😃
I can't believe there was a better way to improve the story, thanks for the input😄😄 I'll internalize and apply these because these are the part(s) that needs improvement😸