The Horrors of Kwiksave: Bad Totty

in The Ink Well2 years ago (edited)

The Horrors of Kwiksave’ is a candid recollection of my memories working at Kwiksave (the now-defunct discount supermarket chain) as a 'Stock Lad'.

I wasted over FOUR years of my life in this maggot-infested hellhole and still occasionally wake up drenched in sweat after enduring a nightmare in which I am working there still.

Some of the names have been slightly changed simply to save my arse in case anyone takes offence at some of the details regarding my facts or opinions.

Many of the people mentioned are now dead as this happened so long ago, but their siblings are not.

This is the 'HIVE Special Edition' of a multi-part autobiographical story (with a little over-embellishment on some of the details) I posted on STEEM over 3 years ago.

It contains a LOT more detail and content than the original and will fill in many gaps that were missed the first time around.

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Other Articles in this Series:
Chapter One: A Prelude to the Best Job in the Land
Chapter Two: The Job Centre
Chapter Three: The Interview
Chapter Four: Christmas is Coming
Chapter Five: The Changing of the Blades
Chapter Six: The Staff
Chapter Seven: The Auxiliary Staff and The Load
Chapter Eight: The Sugar Maniac
Chapter Nine: The Accusation and "Big Lad"
Chapter Ten: Naggy
Chapter Eleven: Shit & Noise
Chapter Twelve: The Death of Mort
Chapter Thirteen: The Time of Many Managers
Chapter Fourteen: The Calm before the Storm
Chapter Fifteen: David Dire

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‘Some kids are best left to fend for themselves, and others were born to stack shelves’ – Steven Wilson


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Chapter Sixteen: Bad Totty

...'October 1982'...

'WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE BELOW'

The arrival of ‘Dire’ signified a change in the checkout girls. It’s possibly co-incidence or my memory not being perfect but the old contingent was mostly gone within weeks and replaced by many more.

At the time I thought nothing of this but knowing what Dire was like, was it simply coincidence?

Could it be that the frog-eyed, bow-legged mountain of fat and self-appointed gigolo new manager had tried it on with ALL of them?

I despaired when Sharon, my dreamboat supervisor had left without saying goodbye, and resigned myself to never seeing an incisor quite like hers again.


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...'not being able to see Sharon again was devastating. How I would miss staring at that tooth and longing for another snog'...

Marianne, who had spurned my slobbering deep-throated attempts disguised as the 'Christmas Kiss' left to open up a sandwich shop close to Kwiksave which I visited just once.

The butties must not have been up to much; either too expensive for my extremely low-paid job or the very average chippy next door could have been superior.

Linda of little brain also left under mysterious circumstances, which was depressing. I did at least get a snog from her though it was definitely secondary in quality to Sharon’s.

At this point in my life, quantity was winning over quality with me, and scoring occasionally at the local pub with one of the house slappers was a boon.

New blood was to arrive in the shape of ‘Cheese and Onion', a middle-aged skinny woman who didn’t talk to us and emitted a rather pungent odour. The name seemed apt and stuck.

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That peculiar stench was almost as foul as full-on BO and so we had to hold our breath while passing by C&O. The initial name was quickly shortened as the full one contained far too many syllables.

Darts’, was a stocky girl of around twenty years who wore those reactolite glasses that were popular in the '80s, frequented the pubs often, and liked to boast her exploits of getting pissed and legless every night.

She liked to play Darts and used to hang off the back of Motorcycles when she pulled the local greasers. We were not quite sure whether ‘Bikes’ would have been more fitting.

I could imagine Darts would drink me under the table without even trying, and probably kick my arse if we were in the ring together, though I could sense she was quite an unhappy person.


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...'a bike like this.. laden with grease was perfect for 'Darts' to jump on the back...

Darts’ had a big crush on Martin and I remember seeing him looking rather forlorn in ‘The Bishop Blaze’ pub with the checkout girls’ head resting against his shoulder at a works get-together.

It was an optimistic move by the beer-guzzling, bike-hitching greaser fan that was doomed to fail from the word go.

He didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth, but I believe the lack of response got the message across.

Not content with exploiting stock lads, Kwiksave managed to con a female checkout operator into the store in the form of ‘Girl’.

As ‘Girl’ appeared unable to speak, Welder christened the name to this slightly chubby, very plain, and quite obviously straight from school… er girl.

Similar to C&O, ‘Girl’ had a few personal hygiene issues and we figured they could have been related. If so, there appeared no visible communication between them possibly due to ‘Girl’ knowing little other than high-pitched squeaks when it came to communication.

I did jib Welder quite often about ‘Girl’ and suggested their collective pungency could be a match made in heaven; he staunchly disagreed.

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A massive girl, as wide as tall named Fiona arrived who I knew ever so slightly from my childhood. If she thought she had a friend in me she was to be sorely mistaken.

I was as shallow as Shallow Hal at the age of 19 and I was not going to be seen with no huge ‘Wobbler’, whether she had the hots for me or not.

Unfortunately, the name stuck thought fortunately she never discovered the handle we christened her with.

If you think many more operators were arriving then leaving that would be correct. Maybe Dire was hoping he could grope at least one of the new arrivals and get away with it?

.. and then another girl arrived, leaving us all drooling like wild dogs chasing the bitch. Finally, there was something to stare at while tripping over the jam pallet.


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To be continued...


Cover Picture is a combination of free sources from here and here, combined and edited with Luminar 4. Any unsourced images are my own.

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Oh, yes!!! I loved these and it is so much like an old friend seeing this! I look forward to what comes next... and for the record, all guys your age were just a mass of hormones! I used to try to mind my own business when I worked at a retail store after school.

We used to have names for them all too!

Poor Fiona! She probably was nice! It probably wouldn't have been so bad, but, you all egged each other on. I spy a reason should be coming out way on why all these people left the store!

:)

I bet you were one hot blond at 18 years!, and my Kwiksave wouldn't have been a great working experience.. with Dire letching over you and us lads doing the same.. hehe...

Fiona was OK, but a little mannish and brusque. I did hear she took her own life through the grapevine which is sad.

You really had the pick of the bunch there. Maybe you should have a reunion. I've never worked anywhere like it, although there have been a few odd folk over the years. All part of the rich tapestry of life.

After what I have said about them a reunion is not such a good idea! In much the way @meesterboom describes his work colleges such as the boss who has a stack of chins waiting to fall over (what a description that was), I would be hardly popular!

There's a few former colleagues I am perfectly happy to never see again. These days I hardly see my current ones :)

Yes, as a contractor for years I have met more than the average. There are very few I keep in touch with.

YEEEEEEE HAWWWWWW

welcome back kwikies!!!

Yes I do need to finish this so my daughter can read all about my exploits one day. Hope fully the chain will survive, else I have drafts all saved in Word.

I often wonder if Aldi is the new kwickies

Aldi is one place I despise, I have reasons for it.

lol
do i hear fingers typing up a tale to tell?

Nah.., I can tell you next week if the plan goes ahead.

i will not forget,, whenever my huskies are harnessed

It was mostly male employees where I worked in retail. When we did get a female it was usually an older lady with kids/grandkids, or there was one occasion we had a fairly young attractive woman. At that point in my life it did make focusing on work quite difficult.

Distracting! Yes.. we had a few but most were Biffers. See section (2).

Lol at reactolites. There was a guy way back then in my work who had them and one day I asked him why he wore shades indoors. He was totally offended and was like they are reactolites! He went on to explain how they went dark in the sun and clear when it was not so bright and I was like, well why are they never clear then? He just stomped off swearing about upstarts. Hehe

Haha, bad quality ones then. They are supposed to NOT be shades indoors.. right? I haven't seen anyone wearing them in recent times. Wearing shades indoors means your a rock star or someone cool!

I think every single person I ever knew that had them had the same problem. It seemed that they went dark really quickly but took about twenty minutes to go back to being clear. It was what put me off getting them. I didn't want to look a tool indoors!

Bloody shocker and nightmare working with smelly people. We had a few and had to just tell them straight out they stank. The one guy died so that was a problem solved and no jokes he did die a few months after I tossed a can of deodorant his way. Funny I remember reading the less detailed version 3 years ago lol.

Funny I remember reading the less detailed version 3 years ago lol.

You do? .. and I thought nobody read those. I didn't feel justice was done 1st time around. It has to be done properly.

I probably was not so sweet smelling then either, being forced to wear overalls worn by dozens of other stock lads over the last 10 years did not help. Washing one meant taking it home.., one didn't do things like that then.

You are my favorite author because you are always interesting and unexpected!

All failures are the path of success to change future actions, there is no need to regret it, it is only for our understanding to be more careful in the future. Keep spirit bro 🥂🥂

Good and interesting story. Can't wait for the continuation of this story

Your content has been voted as a part of Encouragement program. Keep up the good work!

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