This is a most interesting story, @sonofremi. You have the most essential quality of a writer: imagination. And, you also have the ability to share what you see. Your words reveal vivid scenes. You create characters we care about. Your story arc is strong. It is important to note that this story is like an unpolished gem. As others have noted in the comments here, with editing this story would really shine.
Thank you for posting the story to the Ink Well community. Have you read and commented on the work of at least two other writers this week? (See The Ink Well community rules on our home page.) This helps our community thrive, and also makes you eligible to be chosen for a spotlight in our weekly highlights magazine. Thank you!