The InkWell Contest: Week One Draft || The Investigation

[ubani1]

Hello everyone, this is my entry for the contest, and i'm glad am able to participate, despite my late entry into the summer Contest.
My story was inspired by one of the 50 logline 5 (Amanda begins the search for her birth parents, who abandoned her on the steps of a police station 20 years before, and finally learns the bizarre circumstances of her birth).

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Comments

[bruno-kema]

Hello @ubani1, i'm glad you chose to take part in this contest. It's a beautiful story and i can feel the the need Jessy must have felt to find her mother.
But a few suggestions:

A tag, "what was written there?"

This statement is kind off confusing, like who is saying it? Is it the narrator? Please do well to specify in your second draft.

Starting from the day I was dropped at the station, I began to trace her movement.

And i think the word "movement" should be in plural.

Other than that, i didn't notice anything else. It's a truly beautiful story. And i love what you did with the prompt.
I look forward to reading your second draft.

[gracielaacevedo]

Greetings, @ubani1 I have the impression that the editing of your story will take you far beyond the limit of this one you present. This is a very good one. A police intrigue awaits us in the second week.
Best of luck in the contest.

[deeanndmathews]

The core of this story is REALLY strong ... it moved me deeply.

Although your story is really short, one thing you might consider is condensing certain information so you can add a bit more to other things you did not expand on. For example, your first sentence could be rewritten more like this: "My name is Jessy, and I'm an African American lady living independently not far from my parents' home."
THEN, given that you tell us later that Jessy/Amanda is a highly skilled FBI agent, we can know that she must be quite independent, so you need not say it at the beginning.

For another example, if you tell us that Jessy had to move to a safe house owned by the Bureau, we can know that it is not safe for her in the streets, so it is not necessary to say that.

One little plot problem that you might want to solve -- if Jessy/Amanda is working at the Bureau, and the Bureau is the "they" that wants her to stop to the point of threatening her job and her life, would she be safe at a Bureau safe house?

[kaerpediem]

The note on the tag got me
I need to know now why she had abandoned the child but with intentions of coming back for her....
You had me hooked :D

[diebitch]

The story has good bones, it needs to be fleshed out a lot more.
1.Maybe do a part from the mother's perspective or narrate the events that led to Amanda being left.

1. and on my time, put comma after and

2. Mercenaries were contracted to kill me, but luckily - comma after luckily

3. It would be nice to have some dialogue and imagery.

[jayna]

Hi @ubani1. This is off to a great start! I love all of the feedback you have received so far, and I agree with your commenters. To summarize and add to these ideas:

• Your opening is full of explanatory text. To hook your reader, try jumping more quickly into the action of the story.
• Consider expanding your ending. The setup is very interesting. But just knowing that she will meet her mother is not enough of a resolution to match the richness of your story line.
• Try integrating a better mix of action, dialog and narrative throughout. Narrative can drag your story down. Action can speed it up, and give us something to experience. As an example, if you tell the reader that "all hell broke loose" they don't experience it in any way. What if you wrote instead something like this:

One night I sat in the dark office, in the blue light of the computer, following one dead end after another. The bureau chief knew I was up to something, and had been keeping me busy on time-consuming cases. I felt myself being watched. Suddenly, I had a breakthrough. An old friend with a little known spy team that had intelligence in Russia messaged me.

He spoke in our usual code, to protect his identity. All of his messages started with "SS" so I would know it's him.

"SS: You're in danger. Your mother is a Russian spy. And you're not supposed to know. Now erase this. And watch your back!"

Just then, a light turned on in an adjacent office, and I jumped.

That's just an example to give you an idea of how you can heighten the excitement. Show us through action and dialog, what is happening in your story, and we will become much more involved.

Here are some relevant resources from our catalog of writing tips that I think will help you:

• Hook your readers
• Action, Dialog and Narrative: The Dynamic Trio
• Show, don't tell

Good luck in the contest!

[ecency]

Your content has been voted as a part of Encouragement program. Keep up the good work!

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