It's 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday and I can't find anything in my feed written by someone who knows everything and won't stfu about it. Opened up my Ecency app and there it is again: unicorns, love stories, and airdrops. Everything's always so happy happy smiley positive in this goody goody two shoes world.
In the simplest verbiage—negativity. And a lot more of it but keep it simple, hear me out. Something basic like get 110% involved with shit we know nothing about and then repeat that shit on every platform available at our fingertips until we ourselves believe the shit is, in fact, #shittruth.
Get creative. Think outside the box if you know what I mean—something original. The other day I had a good one but decided against it last minute.
I was gonna wait for a popular website to update their opinion on subject matter currently receiving international attention and repeat it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
15—that's how many over and over's you just skimmed over and over. It's a lot when typed over and over like that but fifteen's nothing when you're talking cents. I'm not even sure what's attainable these days for 15 cents—about 40 cents short of a postage stamp in America, I know that. Or, in minutes, if that's all the sleep you got last night—15 is nothing. Arm hairs, however, it's like zero, you'll never notice 15 arm hairs whereas 15 nose hairs are unmistakable.
15 chemtrails seems excessive if you ask me, there should be a cut off somewhere in single digits. Unless you're showing off physical distancing skills in the sky for the world to see, it's overkill.
Overhead - 07 January 21
It's passed 10am now—patiently waiting. There's gotta be something out there I've only seen about a thousand times. 10am on a Saturday, there should be adequate content available about something fishy like a rigged election or a deadly shooting at the Nation's Capitol without any blood on the scene. Something everyone's immune to until their favorite website refreshes.
Alien something, that'll work. Anyone seen any unreliable alien media coverage that's unbelievable? A zombie/alien combo maybe who goes by Zomblienass because it's bullet proof and wipes its ass with surgical masks—that'd be perfect. Hold please......
Vaccine
11:27am. That took a little longer than expected.
I'll wait......
Ok, so it wasn't in my feed, whatever. It was in my inbox, a feed nonetheless. @splatts sent me that yesterday. The funniest part is the response I got when I forwarded it to my buddy in England:
For best results: read in a British accent
Please I ask kindly refrain sending sexist images as I'm certain the drive could be male
I laugh every time I see that. If you know where I can find something funnier than that, do tell. I think it's safe to say the subsequent conversation is the most I laughed all year.
British accent in white
As I was saying, 15 chemtrails seems excessive. 15's nothing when you're talking about minutes and you only have 15 minutes to catch a plane while circling the airport parking lot waiting for a space to open up—15 won't cut it.
15 isn't always nothing, it's forever when you're talking minutes and orgasms. Go ahead:
Is there a such thing as too long or would a 15 minute orgasm get cut short anyway due to heart attack or brain aneurism or some other default mechanism linked directly to overexertion but the important question here is: How many people tuned into this are willing to take that risk?
I saw a Roofy truck the other day—I know it!! Transitioning from a 15 minute orgasm directly to a Roofy truck goes against everything in the how-to-blog etiquette handbook but I rarely know where these things are going people—your guess is as good as mine. I'm as surprised as you they just advertise it like that on the tailgate.
Ballsy
I'm not one to knock someones name. I wouldn't intentionally belittle someone about their name when there's other, much more sensitive issues like their fat double-chin and matching bald head, big ass nose, unibrow, crackhead teeth or something demoralizing like that, you know, something they can't alter with an eraser. But it doesn't stop me from thinking of about 100 jokes when I saw this one.
Anywho, 15. In years that's a long time depending how you look at it. It'll be 2036 in 15 years, seems like a lifetime away. A suspended drivers license for 15 years would be a lifetime too—more like a sentence. 15 years ago still feels like yesterday when I think about another dude's name I didn't make fun of—Dick's.
So I'm at this yard sale, right, about 15 years ago. I'm with a chick I've known since high school. It's a yard sale—a yard sale in someone's front yard which means you're eavesdropping on everyone's conversation unintentionally. So we're unintentionally eavesdropping on this dude hitting on a chick at the yard sale—he's probably in his 50's, she's early 30's.
His name's Dick. I forget her name now, not sure I ever caught it actually, but their conversation is Dick this, Dick that. Pleased to meet you Dick, do you live around here Dick? Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. I was probably sifting through records.
So about 15 minutes pass, I'm not sure if I grabbed anything or not. We're about to leave and find the next yard sale when Dick and what's her name exchange phone numbers.
How'bout I call you later and if you're not too busy we'll get a drink?
"Sure. I'll check my schedule, Dick. Why don't you give me your number instead and I'll call you around 5."
Ok!
She grabbed her phone from her purse and began punching in his phone number: 7-6-0 something, something, whatever number he said before she asks, "what's your last name, Dick?"
Burns.
He didn't really just say Burns did he?! No way! I tried so hard to contain my laughter I hurt my neck. "Burns, Dick Burns." I couldn't control myself. How do you not laugh out loud when you've been unintentionally eavesdropping Dick Casanova's pick-up lines for 15 minutes and come to find out she's never gonna call him and dude's probably a 50 something year old virgin cuz the poor bastards name ain't Casanova at all. It's Dick Burns.
This is one of the best, I've saved it for years. A real news report screen ship
I created this meme, a story I was told years ago.
Here's my 15 @dandays
Hilarious, thanks for sharing. Mike Litoris—oh shit!! That one's so bad you know it ain't made up. Could you imagine if he has a sister named Ella?!
Great to see you again, Jerry. Always a pleasure when you stop by.
Good to touch base with you as well my friend @dandays
What were his parents thinking when they came up with the name Dick. Any other name would have been better, including Peter. Now that's better, Peter Burns.
Now, about the guy that cut off his junk. I've heard of cutting off your nose in spite of your face but cutting off your life in spite of your wife, no wonder the dude is in jail, he's not all there and I'm not just talking about his lack of his penis.
Your buddy from England seems to have lost his sense of humor or maybe he never had one.
Time flys when you're having fun and the last 15 minutes just flew by.
If there's one person I knew would click on that cut it link, I knew it was you. Thanks for not disappointing, can you believe that guy?! I read that like 'wait, do what now?'
That time flies one sure was nice. Happy Sunday over there ya'all! It's freezing here, I imagine it's the same there.
I'm glad you liked this one @thebigsweed. Thank you.
I think about that dude regularly. I woulda had my name changed so quick or if his name's really Richard, Dick never would've been an option. Peter, Pat, anything. I mean, with Burns, think of how much different Chance would've been. Or Phillip! Philip Burns—much better.
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Are you kidding me, Dick Burns? Hilarious, that poor sucker. He was doomed from the start 😜
Thank you for reblogging this @farm-mom. Yes! I hate it when I forget to thank someone for doing that.
I really did hurt my neck. Sure, I have a bad neck and it doesn't take much to flare it up but that happened. Hurt my neck and laughed out loud uncontrollably.
Afraid what can happen at the other end with so much pressure on top.
🤣
While we're on the topic of memes that make people uncomfortable, my brother sent me this one today and I had to share it with the @dandays
That should make Dick Burn a bit...
Oh it did.
How's it going @coloneljethro? How's that presentation of yours going you're working on?
Dude our steward on the job once in Las Vegas was named Phill Dees, I shit you not dude! And when I met him I got all laughing when I went back to my crew like "dudes name is Phil Dees!" And nobody got it.
It goes, not too badly I suppose. How about yourself?
Lol, Phil Dees, that's a slightly more subtle one. I'm going to have to remember that one to teach to people's kids. Some people just don't humor I guess...
For what union? "Hey, Phil Dees calls so we can Phil Dees trucks..."
Sparky. What's up &dynamicgreentk? At the hall waitin in a call.
Swore into the IBEW in 1995.
IBEW is the strongest trade union in Vegas. Im 720 since '04. That letter of request destroyed my hall and our CBAs. Phil dees calls with 18 year olds and their grandmas who cant even hold a wrench.
Solidarity in action😛
Pleasure to meet you brother. IBEW LU 477.
Nice! I also did work in San Francisco for local 16 IATSE. Are you still working? We are so dead. Only like 5 people out 2000 are working here and 3 of them are elected officals😂
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Yay! 🤗
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I've seen it twice now, once in my mentions and now here. Thanks. That's some nice company to be mentioned amongst, I appreciate the feature!
Thanks for keeping an eye on me.
:cheers: