Ever wonder about the circles on whale auto votes and you ain't in it? Or why someone consistently votes your content at a lower percentage than a familiar author you both follow and the two of you share similarities or at least have a lot in common?
Me either—let's talk about something else then
I recently caught a fun fact that checks every box in the disturbing column. I fuckin hate dentists! That's not the fun fact part, it's just a fact I blurted out in the middle of this paragraph. I've never once enjoyed a shot of novocain and, although both root canals were deemed necessary, they both can fuck right off.
I'm getting sidetracked
My wife's never had a cavity in her life—I know a few people like that. The kind whose only familiarity with the laid-back discomfort of a sticky, vinyl, paper overlain dentist chair stems from optional annual cleanings rather than a pain management session between you, them, and a high-frequency drill in your head. As I was saying—fun fact:
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
"Watch this, Suzy. I've been working on a... more suction, please! Suction!! Thank you. So anyway, I've been working on a new invention. When I have downtime or don't feel like sharpening my chisels, I organize my bal-peen hammers left to right according to weight and it hit me! Energize the chair and just when they least expect it, I'll plug it in!"
Bzzz!
What about the people out there who lower their mask to suck on a cigarette?
Cuz it's a buncha random paragraphs people—goes with the theme.
Out there on a public bench in what's normally a public waiting area but they're sitting alone while everyone else stands at a distance—whole bench to their self. Surgical mask draped evenly around each ear with the facial covering resting comfortably under their chin so they can puff on a carcinogen.
Gotta admire individual safety concerns I guess
Speaking of.. what happened to all the condom mesmerization? Read anything from the 50's or prior and they'd like you to believe husband and wife slept in separate beds. If that were true, we wouldn't be here. Add a 1960's movement called the hippy era and we got a whole generation with first names like Sativa and Lovechild. Fast forward to the 80's and a new virus called AIDS is introduced which naturally spreads fear and havoc and everything's condom this, condom that.
Condom, condom, condom, condom, condom
Today's world looks a little different. With the continued support of global fear in the air, nobody's talking about condoms anymore, face masks are the talk of the town. I'm not saying they shouldn't be talked about—mask, mask, mask, mask, mask. There, I said it. Especially if you're sick! Thanks for wearing a mask those of you who wear a mask because you're sick, I appreciate that. And thanks for not passing the joint around when you're sick, I'm the same way—always have.
Sick people should twist their own
I'm just saying condoms are still a viable safety concern and nobody's talking about them anymore—disappointing. Bring back the condoms, Ooh! I know... Condom face masks!
Forget I said that
But did you notice how inappropriate the face mask became once it had condom in front of it? Both claim to save lives, why all the looonng faces? We should join the two words and form one compound word—condomface.
With a hashtag in front of it. Speaking of dickhead
Pura and I were in Greece and I'd just got my hair cut. You won't be reading anything about how I'm a dickhead, this section isn't entirely about me. It's about what dude said to me regarding my haircut and what I believe to be the most appropriate response at the time.
I rock a fohawk on my head, pretty simple cut here. Number one on the sides, finger length on top, high fade. Like a mohawk but not really cuz there's no obvious line. In Europe and England, however, I had to explain the cut to each stylist each time I sat down, not a simple cut there.
So I'm rockin a fresh hair-do, my knockout of a wife is on my arm, and we meet up with a couple from Belgium for dinner that we'd met previously that week. We weren't in each other's presence two seconds before the husband said "you get your hair cut like the black guys."
That's a new one! Never in my life, ever, had I heard that.... ever
I wasn't sure how to respond. My body language was already leaning in to hug his wife so I followed through with it before reaching to shake his hand. 'Good evening, thanks for joining us' or whatever I said. Then my reaction happened, I couldn't stop it. What I meant to say when I shook his hand was probably something like 'Hi, I've never heard that before' but when I opened my mouth, I heard 'only a white guy would say that.'
One more and then it's cover image time
Dude orders a drink at the bar. While the bartender's mixing his drink, he notices a jar on the counter full of 20 dollar bills. Bartender hands the guy his drink, "hey bartender, what's with all the $20's in that jar?"
It's the bar room task, consists of three things. Whoever completes all three wins the money.
"What are they?"
It'll cost you 20 bucks.
"Ah, forget it!" Dude gets irritated and doesn't feel like dropping a 20 in the jar to hear the tasks. He continues ordering drinks.
A few hours later he's drunk guy, feeling good and tuned up, laughing amongst other patrons, tellin jokes, comfortable with his surroundings and liquid courage is running deep. He slaps a $20 on the counter, "I'm ready! Lay it on me!" Bartender puts the $20 in the jar and explains:
Bar room task—consists of three things. First: You gotta take a shot of this habanero sauce.
"No problem!"
Second: There's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth—you gotta go yank that tooth out of his head.
"No problem pal!"
Third and final: There's a 90 year old lady upstairs, never had an orgasm in her life—change that. Complete all three and you win the jar.
Drunk guy sees no challenge with the three tasks and knows the jar is as good as his. "Gimme that habanero shot!"
Bartender lines him up with a shot of habanero. Drunk guy throws it back faster than anyone who's attempted before him—down the hatch! His whole face is on fire now. Instantly soaked in sweat, foaming at the mouth and his complexion's alternating between red and purple.
"Where's that damn dog?!?"
Out back! Out back!
Bartender's pointing fiercely toward the back door. Drunk guy, who's now soaked in sweat and can't feel his face, runs toward the door bouncing off walls in the process. Out back he goes. The door slams behind him followed immediately by commotion—screaming, yelling, growling and barking for about three minutes. The pit bulls growl slowly turned to a whimper. No more barking and drunk guy's yells quiet down until eventually no sound at all—silence.
Count backward from 30, 29, 28....
The back door flies open and here comes drunk guy hobbling back to the bar, panting and soaked in sweat. His shirt's all shredded at this point, all but one button is missing, hair lookin like he just sat in an electric chair, a few blood stains here and there like he went 10 rounds with a pit bull.
He gathers himself as much as possible while leaning against the bar—the edge of defeat with the taste of victory just around the corner. Intently stares eye to eye at the bartender, composes just enough energy to whisper across the bar:
"Now where's that old lady with a bad tooth?"
Click Bait
Well if it isn't my favorite spell caster not from PA. She liked it, 'yes!'
I sure am glad you dropped a line otherwise I wouldn't have this space right here to say 'thanks for all your support @traciyork, really, from reblogs to curating and all the in betweens.' ❤️
I was going to say something about condoms, but now I've forgotten what! Poor woman will die without ever having an orgasm...
I don't know if it's added entertainment or highly suspicious but two of you said the same thing!
Added entertainment--definitely that one
I'd like to say I said it first, but these days I'm never quite sure what I've said, so I'm happy for you to take it as entertainment. I guess it could also say something about how our minds work of the same thing was what stuck out for us.
You and me both! I think it's the day itself that's responsible. When we can't remember that, how can we be expected to remember what we said on that?
That sounds like a good excuse, so I'm using it. It's no longer my fault, it's the day's fault.
This is me just yesterday...
...."Guilty!"
So at first I thought, awe a 90 year old lady who's never had an orgasm, that's sad. And then I finished and spit coffee all over my computer! Thanks a lot @dandays! Now I have a mess to clean. And it's still sad that the 90 year old lady will only be getting a tooth pulled. Maybe that will do it for her?
I've never had a cavity either, but I've had my wisdom teeth pulled out and that ruined me for going to a dentist. My face was all bruised and weeks later a piece of the tooth that must have broke off came out of my gum, and then he didn't let the novocain work or didn't use enough and he started pulling and I almost punched him in the face. And then he asks me if it was pain or just pressure I was feeling as if I wouldn't know the difference. So yeah, I fucking hate dentists too!
And you are absolutely correct that only a white guy would say that. I mean really... wtf? Some people just shouldn't be allowed to speak. I'm glad you explained what a fohawk is, I had no clue and would have said something stupid. I promise though nothing like the response you got from your dinner guest.
#condomface... I like that! I know quite a few dickheads!
And as far as the masks go, ugh. That is all. Especially now since I found a full time job taking care of the elderly and am required to wear one constantly since I am working 48 - 72 hour shifts. And some of the decisions being made make me wonder where some people got their education. Ok I guess that wasn't all but that's all now.
I haven't been around and don't want my first comment after my little hiatus to be a bitching one. But you did bring it up.
I hope all is well. Please be easy on me for not being around, I'm not trying to be a stranger. Just getting used to this grueling schedule but now I am bringing my computer so who knows, maybe you'll get tired of seeing me. Who knows? I guess we'll see.
It's nice to read your ramblings again Dandays! Thanks for the laugh!
Believe it or not, I think I upvoted you in my sleep. Or maybe I was half asleep. All I know is , it was still dark outside, I think my phone said 3:16 , I skimmed the post, pushed the thumbs up button. Crawled out of bed and said really MR.? you woke me again in the middle of the night with your not so, "church mouse" thing." You woke me because you were looking for the lighter on the dresser, yeah I heard you". What can I say @dandays, ?@thebigsweed likes to wake and bake.
NUFF said.
Now your post, Phew, where do I begin.?
First off, I can't believe your new friend made that comment about your hair, unless of course you really do look like a black man. 🤦♀️
Second...Condomface, seriously where do you get this stuff? Just a word of advise from the mom, if you wear it that way, it can't help you much, I would stick to condom and face(mask) for double the protection, just put them in the right place please .
Third, never expected the ending to your barroom joke. My first reaction was OMG, then LOL.
3:16 is a good number to get voted on. Eh, I have done the exact same thing and had to explain myself the exact same way many-0 time... 'Sorry, I'm just looking for the lighter.'
He even said 'the.' "Like the black guys." He was such a white guy.
Well, it was either that or rubberface but the only preaching I remember was condoms--it was a no brainer. So you're saying condomface wouldn't be the best protection for welding, either?
As far as where I get this stuff, @farm-mom, c'mon. Your guess is as good as mine. You're supposed to know these things cuz I sure as screwed pooch don't.
Hey there @dandays, I'm back at last! 😸
I don't know on what to comment first, lol!
So, some Random Commenting:
Cheers and happy midweek! 😺
If I had some type of reward for most organized response I've ever received, you'd take the gold. Bullets and all--that was awesome! Thank you.
Cheers to you as well!
Still can't believe dude said that, won't forget that one. He even said "the." I've always been able to pull off my compulsory reactions, that one was one of the smoothest to date.
Plenty of reason to feel sorry for both. 😉
As far as curators finding your content, I think a lot of leg work has to be put in unless you come to the platform with several thousand followers. Cuz one thing is true, they will find it, it's the author their self who takes time to get recognized. I've been here over three years and I still have articles that go unappreciated occasionally. At the same time, however, I've had three go trending in the past few weeks--all thanks to you guys/gals. In answer to your question, I think perseverance, patience, and time vested are key. After awhile the three compound each other and curators are extra vigilant to find your content.
Oh, yeah! I've had some smooth talkin, easy touchin, barely poke feelin dentists in the past, too, but I promise you I didn't like'em!!
#condomface
Always a pleasure @christina-madart, thanks for keeping an eye on me.
Haha, yes, I am becoming the master of formatting and organizing here! 😸
Lol, I am wondering if he wished that he never said that or if he was unrepentant! 😹
Indeed, I agree with the perseverance & patience! And about the dentists of course! 😜
#condomface
The look on both he and his wife's face were either shocked I said that out loud or embarrassed that I needed to say that out loud. I'm leaning toward embarrassed.
Repentant, I'm sure. I'm glad you agree, at the time it was the right thing to say and the more time goes by, the more appropriate.
Hahaha, @dandays yes, it was both appropriate and humorous, no real offence given, but highlighting the tactlessness of what he said! I guess that he must have learned a valuable lesson to think before he opens his mouth.. 😹
!BEER
for you
@eii, cheers!
Yeah, I don't know if I could be civil to someone after they said shit like that. Belgians. You ever read Heart of Darkness? Coppola just moved the setting from the Belgian Congo to Vietnam to make Apocalypse Now.
I had a 'friend' that once greeted me with "you dumb, ignorant, redneck hillbilly". . . so I kicked the shit out of him. Couldn't have him string together that many stereotypes and leave out violent. . . he never said anything like that to me again either :D
I still think we should go back to calling condoms prophylactics. I found an old box of them that my grandfather had been selling in his store (circa 1960s) labelled thusly and my friend that was with me had no clue what they even were.
Yeah, he even said "the." Never ok context. That's how white he is. Before I forget, thanks for the update on Nagdy.
Is red neck offensive? I've used that one a lot but I'm always referring to a farmer--non overall changin type, southern drawl talkin, straw chewin, chaw spittin farmer.
I have not read that book. Each time you recommend a read I pay attention. Should that be my next book? C'mon man.. make it count. Which one?
Heard of Darkness, nah, it's interesting but not that interesting. I read it because I love Apocalypse Now.
Redneck isn't offensive, although some people try and use it that way. That and hillbilly are ones that kinda depend on context. I think of the UMWA and the battle of blair mountain when I think of redneck.
I just had to get back to this one again, although my initial reply came hours again.
Needing to take advantage of this great day, I had just signed off minutes ago. I went to the kitchen to see what the heck Robin was laughing about. Well, you were entertaining her now, I had been entertained earlier. Not only was she LOL at your stuff, but she was also LOL over her reply. When I asked her to read it to me, it was almost impossible due to her laughing.
Her reply was LOL as well.
For me, the best part of this post is that I'm terrible at remembering
most thingsjokes, but the twenty-dollar joke I've got down. Although I may have to tell it in a shorter version in the end it's all about the punch line.I can't wait to go to the next party. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny? Everything but the actual lighter itself is a replica of many mornings around here--that's hilarious! 'Sorry, I'm just looking for the lighter.' Do you but the brightest, neon colored, glow in the dark type lighters too? No the black lighters for me, no brown or any dark colors, I want pink! Fluorescent green, something.
That's cool as shit both you guys actually laughed out loud and now you talk about remembering the joke. Man, and you just go doin all this complimenting for free. Priceless Bob, really. 👍🏿
As I read this reply, I'm chuckling once again thinking of that joke.
Yea, the lighters around this place seem to disappear, or maybe I need to start taking better care of them rather than just putting them down whenever I'm done lighting up.
I've been known to walk around with at least 3 or 4 lighters in my pocket at a time, especially when we have company around. You put the bic down, I pick the bic up. I got a really bad rep doing this, and I've been trying to change my ways.
It's not working, f--k the rep, now I'm always searching for a lighter.
Not really always, just when I get out of bed, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon, early evening, late evening, after diner, and whenever I need to restart the woodstove.
Dude I buy lighters when I don't need them. If there's one thing I appreciate having too many of, its lighters.
Tip - Buy the fluorescent green, pink, or baby blue ones, they're tougher to hide from yourself.
That's the problem, finding them after I hide them from myself.
You've got some great one liners.
You know what a one-day lighter is, right?
They're the ones that disguise themselves in pockets and make their way through the washing machine. A little drying time and they fire up again. However, they're only one-day lighters afterward.
Whenever I hear something rattling around in the dryer I try to get to it before the wife. I swear I pat my pockets down before throwing them in the washer, but somehow an array of objects still seem to find their way into the machines. I know someone put them in with a load of wash, trying to get me in hot water.
That's a fun little fact,
Sometimes I wish I could tap into your brain and experience what the flock goes on at times like this.
Not that all of this wasn't funny, with you saving the best for last,
I would just like to know what inspires this jargon,
not this definition of jargon:
confused unintelligible languageBut this one: a strange, outlandish, or barbarous language or dialect
This is the kind of stuff that keeps me coming back, you never know what to expect.
I got both you and @farm-mom 's messages this am but knew they'd get all detailed and I've been all over the place today. Dude I even filmed that bike trail at the quarry today.
You guys have been so supportive of me since day one, I really appreciate it man. I hope y'all feel equal support in return.
I could say the same thing about keeps me coming back for more--these comments sir. Stuff like "what inspires this jargon" and "experience what the flock goes on" is a compliment beyond my understanding, gotta be the coolest thing I've seen all day and that includes what a buddy forwarded me this am:
We both thank you for your unconditional support as well our friend.
I hope you were wearing your helmet this time around, if not you can expect to be scolded by #farm-mom.
You know she doesn't go around scolding everyone, just the people that she really cares about and wants to make sure they remain safe and sound. I guess you have made her A list.
Bansky at his best, paint a mural, leave everyone pondering, and disappear into the night.
Very cool, thanks for sharing!
Helmet - ✔️
I wonder why you autovote my post 😛
Oh, @anggreklestari, cuz you're just the cutest dang chef on the blockchain!
Happy Thursday Anggrek. 😉
Edit That part about saying happy Thursday (on a Friday) wasn't part of the material but sure is funny. Friday.. that's what I meant, happy Friday.
Happyyy weekend! 😁
Thanks... It's been years since I heard that joke Mr. @dandays and forgot the ending...😎
You tell it pretty good too, for a white guy with a black mans haircut.
That one's a good closer. I heard it on a job I don't know how many years ago--still one of my favorites.
My typing? I typed it well for a white guy or told it well for a white guy? Try switching to night mode.
Whenever I switch to 'night mode' my eyes droop to a close and I am soon engulfed within a drooling, dream-state with face propped, recklessly upon the keypad.😴
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Just a quick visit to see if you posted your bike ride, not yet.
I figured that while I was stopping in, I would read that joke again, try to remember more of your lines, in an attempt to polish up my version before using it.
My man! You just go ahead and stop by and make my day any morning. 👍🏿
Yesterday was DOPE!! Brother, I recorded the entire downhill section with many flat lands in between, the whole trail is 4 miles so I got a good 2 miles of it on video including the black Diamond section.
Even got a piece of footage where I had to grab a handful of brakes cuz outta nowhere a cyclist was coming UP the same single-track trail I was going down.
I managed to get 21 minutes down to 14 minutes last night during edits. Still got a little ways to go but the video's headed your way.
Thanks a lot for keeping an eye on me my man. I, too, have been awaiting the finish article of that sun room.
Now where's that old lady with a bad tooth?
Sounds like loads of fun. You know how people go to NASCAR events just waiting for the big moment, THE CRASH.
Hopefully, there isn't any footage of you bitting the dust 🤞, but it may get you a few more upvotes. Now there's an idea, maybe you should stage one?
Ah, yes, Upvotes! Who are we kidding? That's what it's all about.
No, hell no, crashing isn't an option my man. Man.. it was only my second time on that trail, the first was that article I put together and I kept stopping.
Well I didn't have to stop this time and I even hit the second section I hadn't ridden yet (first time)--what a ride! When Pura watched it, she was "oh hell no! Don't ever show me this shit again! And if that's only your second time riding the trail, you don't get to ever ride any of them more than twice cuz it's just a matter of time til you're in a helicopter."
Wonder how many Upvotes a helicopter ride would net me? 🤔
While I got you. I was able to get the clip down to 10 minutes last night, I'm thinking of doing a few more edits but it'll probably bring it back up between 10-11.5 minutes, is that way too long?
It's a really cool video, I hope you get this in a reasonable time cuz I think I could be ready to post it in the next 24 hours. I don't wanna shorten the time anymore or speed it up because it takes away the sound of the wind as I'm speeding up. Man some of the wind sounds like I'm pushing 50mph on a downhill mountain. What do you think? Should I just be fuck it and whoever don't have a 10 minute attention span is a list cause? Or should I just be fuck it, 'I'll have their attention glued to their device for 10 minutes?'
If I were you I would listen to the gal who graduated at the top of her class.
You've been there and done that, helicopter ride.
You may get some more votes, but you may not be around to rake in the big $$$$.
2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or 12 minutes, I don't think it would matter much. Those of us that follow @dandays will watch every frame, I would not cater to those who may never fully indulge in any post.
Your work, which by the way is always top-shelf, is well worth 10 to 12 minutes of someone's time.
It's 6:24am and I don't know if you have posted the video yet, but I'll be checking it out very shortly. If it's not up yet, what are you doing, sleeping in?
Good morning! Man you always have the nicest things to say. Precisely why I like to ask @thebigsweed.
Today's Tuesday. I have not got it up yet but I got a little busy again. Tonight thought dude, for sure! At your suggestion and I'm not gonna mess with the speed or add music cuz it takes away integrity from the film.
Oh man you're gonna frikkin love it! When you wake up tomorrow--it'll be there. 👍🏿