Good day to all you beautiful HIVErs!
I was going to say good morning, but considering most of my interaction in the golden COVID-age are online, I'm trying to break that habit of pretending my social group is somewhat local.
I got so caught up in rambling about stupid work stuff in my last post I completely passed over mentioning some of the things I had wanted to. Yes, this series is a tool I use to help control my own mental health through exercising "word vomit", but I also write it in hopes that it can help others who struggle with similar issues just to read how one misfit weirdo gets by his own personal day to day.
Anyway, my last post was mainly just me bitching about my job and work history. Now, given my psychological issues, coupled with COVID restrictions resulting in almost total isolation outside of a miserable work environment, I would probably go absolutely insane if I have not found some things to occupy my time. And, truth be told, I was not very pro-active in seeking those out. I was actually very near to completely losing it when reason decided to step in at the very last moment and pick me up off the ground. So, while everyone is different, I will share some of my projects with you all here. I truly hope this can reach someone dealing with similar problems and help motivate them to keep themselves occupied as well.
Reading
Harold Schechter. Source
Ok, yeah, pretty simple, right? There is absolutely nothing special or insightful about giving the advice of "go read". However, reading can be hard for some of us. I, personally, am afflicted by fairly severe ADHD. In school they had me on a litany of medications, at one time 3 at once, for said ADHD. However, I really didn't like the way they were affecting my personality and I stopped taking them. Everyone thought I was taking them, but that wasn't to intentionally deceive anyone; they were destroying my personality but I was told I had to stay on them. Oh well.
Anyways, despite my strong admiration of literature, I've always found it fairly difficult to just sit down and read. I get super invested in the material, but after a short period of time I start finding it very difficult to maintain focus. Now, as I explained in my last post, there is a large amount of time in the winter at my job of sitting in a single room ready to go with a radio in your ear. The guy I typically work with in said room isn't much of a conversationalist- it's a general rule that "don't talk to Steve until he talks to you". He's a great guy; but he's certainly no morning person and you don't want to be on his bad side.
The point is, it's quiet. Quiet as fuck. You can't really listen to anything, because you have to have one ear on the radio at all times(and those motherfuckers are realllllll hard to understand and hear). So, I started bringing my books after I got bored of my phone(no internet there either).
At first I was only reading one book. A non-fiction kind of "encyclopedia" type book by one of my favorite research authors- Harold Schechter. Schechter's work is amazing; a true crime author who has written some of my favorite works about serial killers.
However much I love Schechter, I couldn't pay attention for very long. I would alternate between reading and phone games but it was driving me crazy. Given the way we get from place to place at work, and the amount of heavy tools in my bag, I wasn't very inspired to bring more physical books with me to the "drive room"(the isolated room of doom of which I have spoken hahaha). One day, while my phone was on wireless as I was waiting for a lift to re-boot, I had the idea to download some free books on my phone. I downloaded a book about horticulture, a book about blockchain, and a teen fiction book I picked out of the blue.
The latter was the first in a three book series by an author named Susan Lund. I loved it! I ended up buying the next two books in the series. I have a guilty pleasure about reading those kind of made-for-teens/Lifetime kinda "mUrDeR mYstEEriEEssss" books, but why shouldn't we? I don't understand why so many people have to stick up their noses about what they read, write and watch. What's wrong with a little personality?
Anyways, yes, strongly recommend Susan Lund. A strong, less known writer; I was very caught up in her stories.
So I guess that's my advice for people wishing to read but are having trouble finding the time and attention. Mix it up. You can have your "serious" book, that takes a little more focus, but have something on the side. Something informational or instructive, or just something plain fun. It really reignited my interest in reading- something that never died I just thought my attention span had.
Writing
To continue on the same subject of having several different projects going, writing is no different for me. I've found it helps quite a bit.
The depression that set in this winter really put a stop to my writing. Ironic, because that probably would have helped me more than anything else. In a fortunate chance of misfortune, this past week I had to take time off from work due to falling ill. I got my COVID tests back negative, but given my symptoms I still had to stay home from work. It turns out I most likely have an appendicitis, and they are hoping I do not need surgery. It's been a rough couple of days.
However, that allowed me to finally dig myself out of my pit of depression and get my computer out. I could only spend so much time wallowing away in my bedroom watching horror movies with the curtains drawn.
Within the course of the week, I have started three different writing projects. I want to take my first real shot of writing something substantial. My last attempt at a novel was almost 5 years ago and abruptly ended due to myself being a stubborn fuck who tried to write it all by hand. My backpack which contained my only copy of the story was stolen off my porch some years ago. I actually managed to retrieve the bag, under a tree behind the industrial building next to our old apartment. The story was inside, however the rain had completely destroyed it. I actually still have it, in case I ever get the motivation to try to decipher the soaked ink and transfer it to a computer.
Now, I have three longer projects going. I will most likely drop one- or at least put it aside- as I find three to be too many. But I chose three to see which motivated me to continue the most(for example, the third was born out of a temporary disinterest in the first; so the system is already working). Two entirely fictional stories and one that I wouldn't know how to qualify- a fictional story based heavily on real personal events. A "based on a true story" situation, I suppose.
As cliche as it sounds, writing again made me feel like I had more of a "purpose" again. This morning as I sat down to watch "The Lighthouse"(I'm still pretty home-locked; this abdominal pain is no joke), for example, I started getting an uncontrollable to itch almost immediately. Like my brain was saying "yo, you got shit to do".
Even writing little things like this is helpful for my mental health. I suppose this is a form of a "diary" for me; especially just like a diary, it probably interests no one but myself lol.
So, if it is of interest to you(and I feel like that's a pretty given constant on this platform), go write. Don't worry about what you're writing. Just do it. Try to make it a habit. Not everyone's the same, but it certainly helps keep me sane.
Self-Control
I have some other projects going on, but this is already getting lengthy; so I'll just leave with one more thing. It's a little "game" I've started playing with myself.
First and foremost, my illness has offhandedly allowed me to quit smoking; again. I quit for several years but sometimes I start a job that starts bringing back the urges. This job was one of those, and it only took a few nerve-wrecking situations before I gave in again. As of now, I am 6 days off cigarettes; and I have no cravings(although that could be due to myself feeling like shit).
I downloaded an app on my phone aptly named "Days Since". It is a pretty simple record-keeping app where you can start individual timers and reset them as you please, and it keeps track of info such as "longest streak, # of times reset, average, etc". It's specifically designed for keeping track of breaking habits.
I have one for cigarettes(143 hours!), coffee and alcohol. I'm probably gonna start one for cheese 😂. The coffee thing I'm not taking quite so seriously; more so of a fun way for me to see how long I can go without drinking coffee. My fiancee is concerned with how much coffee I drink and although I enjoy it, I have to admit I don't think it is healthy either. I was on a 8 day streak before I got sick- unfortunately being isolated in your bedroom for days on end doesn't keep you away from the coffee maker very well.
So, the game. For me, it's with alcohol, but you can do it with anything you want. I think it's good for alcohol, however, because it's a vice more easy to control than other things for most people. I am NOT saying it is easy to control a serious alcohol addiction- trust me, I'm not that ignorant. I mean for the average person who drinks- even people like myself, which I would call borderline alcoholics.
What I mean by this is I don't see myself as an alcoholic. I do not feel urges to drink. However, I do enjoy it, and I really enjoy the taste of beer, and I tend to drink at least one beer every day. That's a minimum. That would technically classify me as an alcoholic. I know a ton of people like this, and although I may lean to agree with that diagnosis for the majority of us it's not the most difficult thing to just stop.
ANYWAYS, yeah, the game. What I've been doing is a sort of personal record-breaking thing. I reset the timer everytime I drink, and then again when I'm done(this is just because there is no "pause" feature on the specific app I have). The rule is, whatever that value may be for time between drinking, I have to beat that number in order to drink again.
For example, I started with a low number(because they only get bigger via rules of the game). 24 hours no drinking. That means, when I drank again after said 24 hours, the next time I would have to stay away from alcohol for a bare minimum of 25 hours. However, what with daily schedules and what not, I found it very easy for 25 hours to turn into 38, and then the next would have to be at least 39 hours.
I don't feel like I'm explaining very well but I believe people might understand? For example, I started with 24 hours between drinks, and now I'm up to 90-something hours before I can drink again. The number gets pretty big, pretty fast! I will keep it up until I go to Chile for my wedding, and then probably start a new one afterwards, with my future wife if she wants to partake.
It is kind of stupid. But it is really good for people like myself who want to drink less but don't want to quit entirely. It's a really good self-control mechanism for those interested.
Well, that's all my ranting for today; at least on this post. Knowing myself, I will be ranting quite a bit more in other places over the course of the day.
#mentalhealthawareness #naturalmedicine
I find it harder and harder to read these days though I used to read a lot. The book has to be engrossing for me to bother. But being swept up in a narrative is so relaxing to me.
I found the little story about your handwritten book poignant and affecting.
That game sounds fascinating... an good personal challenge. Bloody hell it's easy to fall off the wagon. We did two months but had a whiskey last night and damn it was chilled. Now we are going back for more.
Enjoyed this post a lot.
I love reading too. It makes me relaxed and at the same time I am gaining knowledge to the things that I still don't know.